Now it is time... for the epic conclusion
of Napkin Mario! And it's about time too, because this is the first ongoing
Fun Fiction ducky's completed because none of his other ideas were good
enough!
Ducky.10: It's true...
Anyway, this is the 100%, not foolin',
no kidding around, not messin' with you CONCLUSION! So enjoy it while you
can!
DragonBall Z opening guy: In the last
episode of Napkin Mario, Mario collected the last Star Spirit and
was transported to Star Haven, where he was left with his underappreciated
party members to prepare to fight King Bowser... Will Mario be able to
defeat the overgrown Koopa tyrant himself? Will he also attempt to fix
the shattered relationship between himself and the princess? Find out in
the epic conclusion of Napkin Mario!
Chapter 18: To Bowser's castle!!
Bow's voice: Mario... Mario, wake up,
you fatty!
Kooper's voice: Just leave him, we
could probably beat Bowser ourselves. Besides, all this fat red guy does
is curse and mindlessly beat on us.
Parakarry's voice: You got that right.
Bow's voice: Wait, he's waking up!
Kooper's voice: Darn. I was gonna write
on his face.
Mario: You do realize I heard everything
you said, right?
Kooper and Parakarry huddle in fear.
Mario: Ah, forget it. My head hurts
too much to resort to violence... Gosh, how much did I drink?
Kooper: Look behind you.
Mario turns around to witness the bar,
with a sign on it that reads “Out Of Business'”
Mario: WOAH. Anyway, let's get going.
I gotta beat up Bowser sober, you know.
Mario heads east of Star Haven and
finds all 7 Star Spirits gathered in some sort of shrine.
Eldstar: You saved us all!
Misstar: Stop leaning against me, Muskular!
Muskular: I can't help it, my arms
hurt from punching Klevar too much.
Klevar: I'm violently allergic to death...
URK!
Klevar falls dead.
Eldstar: That is worth a rimshot.
Rimshot.
Mario: You've got class, Eldstar.
Eldstar: We are glad you saved us when
you did.
Klevar's ghost: Except me. I got violently
allergic to Muskular's punches.
Eldstar: We get it, Klevar. Just go
to your room. Now, Mario, we are going to give you a super awesome attack
you can use against Bowser... The Star Beam!
Mario: Sounds lame.
Eldstar: It's not lame! You're lame!
And fat! Just accept the power so you can beat Bowser!
Mario: FINE! Gosh.
The Star Spirits dance around a bit
in circles and Mario gets all sparkly.
YOU GOT THE STAR BEAM!!!
Mario: Yay.
Eldstar: Now you must travel to Bowser's
Castle, and luckily, we are going to give you transportation!
Mario: Cool! I hope it looks like the
Batmobile only with super engines and plasma canons and rocket lawn chairs
and rocket launchers and can fly in the sky with hovercraft-like turbo
boosters only times a MILLION...!
Suddenly, the ship appears, and looks
nothing like Mario expected. Mario's mouth drops open in disbelief.
Mario: ... WHAT IS THAT THING?!
Eldstar: It is the Star Ship!
Mario: It looks like a pair of blue
tighty-whities with wings on the side! You call that thing a SHIP?! It's
the equivalent of the Millennium Falcon compared to a Tie Fighter! Plus,
this thing has WAY more dents than the Millennium Falcon.
Bow: Making Star Wars references, are
you Mario? I'm surprised that train engineer doesn't pop up again...
Mario: Don't give the author any
ideas. Anyway, I hope that thing has seatbelts, 'cause I'm gonna go
ALL-OUT on that thing!
Eldstar: Maximum is 20mph.
Mario: AWWW, FUDGE!!! *sigh*
Okay, I see how this is gonna be. Let's just go, everyone.
Mario and his party enter the sad excuse
for a ship and begin lightly propelling toward Bowser's castle.
Mario: So... seen any good movies recently?
Bow: No...
2 hours of flying later...
Watt: Are we there yet?
Mario: No, but I wish we were.
Goombario: I WOULD DO ANY-
Mario: JUST SHUT UP, GOOMBARIO!!!
JEEZE!!! I SWEAR, I WILL TOSS YOU OUT OF THIS THING IF YOU DON'T
CRAM IT!!!
Goombario: BUT I WOULD-
Mario: Okay, that's it. OUT YOU GO!
Mario picks up Goombario and tosses
him out of the Star Ship... revealing that during the past 2 hours they
have been cruising, they have only lifted 2 feet off the ground. Goombario
jumps back in with ease.
Mario: AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! I'M GONNA GO
MAD!!!
Mario begins slamming his fists against
the vehicle's controls, and a secret button pops up. Mario stops his violent
tantrum and stares at the button. Curious, he presses it, immediately sending
the Star Ship flying maximum velocity into the sky.
Everyone on board: AAAAAAHHHH, WE'RE
ALL GONNA DIE!!!
Bowser's Castle soon comes into view
and the Star Ship smashes through the mouth entrance, also crushing a Koopatrol
inside. Mario and his shaken party then exit the flying weapon and shake
themselves off.
Koopatrol: Ack... My pancreas...
Mario: WOAH, I guess I misjudged the
capability of that thing... Hey, a key!
YOU GOT THE CASTLE KEY!!!
Mario: Shweet!
Bow: You can use that to go through
the front door... but there might be a lot of guards...
Mario: Indeed... I guess it's time
to go Metal Gear!
Mario: I don't know what any of these
badges do, it's pretty redundant to be collecting them.
Bow: When in doubt, get the power...
NINTENDO POWER!
Mario: No thanks, I'll be fine.
Bow: You have to go back inside toward
the jail cell again.
Mario: Ugh, I hate swinging between
places. Now I know how Donkey Kong feels.
Rimshot.
Bow: That was awful.
Mario: Shut up.
Mario heads back into the lava chambers
outside the jail cell, noticing a blue switch.
Mario: Moving platforms... brings back
memories.
Mario misses the jump and hits the
lava, burning his blue-overalled butt.
Mario: AAAGH!!! PAINFUL MEMORIES!!!
Parakarry: Maybe you should fly over
with me.
Mario: I'm so glad we could be friends
after all the things I did to you...
Parakarry kicks Mario back into the
lava.
Mario: HOTHOTHOTHOTHOOTTT!!! BURNING!!!
Parakarry: Serves you right, fatty.
Mario: Okay... I deserved that. Now
can we get on with the adventure?
Parakarry: Yeah, that's pretty much
all I wanted to do.
Mario: Okay. Let's go.
Chapter 19: Almost done now...
Mario continues hopping along the moving
platforms until he comes to several large gaps.
Parakarry: Okay, let's do this.
As Parakarry is lifting Mario, Mario's
gloves fall off his hads and he falls into the lava.
Mario: AAAAAUUUGHH!!! WHAT IN THE
WORLD, PARAKARRY?!
Parakarry: That wasn't my fault that
time! Your gloves... slipped... off...
Mario's hands are revealed to be horribly
filthy, encrusted with dirt and covered in bumps and sores.
Bow: Ewwww!
Parakarry: Dude, that's SICK! Don't
you ever wash your hands?!
Mario: No. Why do you think all us
plumbers where gloves?
Parakarry: That makes no sense!
Mario: Do not question a plumber who
knows what he's doing.
Bow: You don't know how to wash your
hands, evidently.
Mario: SHUT UP.
Mario slips his gloves back on and
Parakarry grips onto his hands tighter this time, not wanting the gloves
to slip of again. After getting across the gaps, Mario comes across a Mystery
Bag floating over a pool of lava.
Mario: Seems easy. Kooper, get out
here!
Mario drags Kooper out of his pocket
and kicks his shell out to bring him the item.
YOU GOT THE MYSTERY BAG!!!
Mario: What's in it?
Mario opens it, revealing a lit bomb.
Morshu: BOMBS? You want it? It's yours,
my friend.
It explodes in Mario's face, and Bowser's
laughter is heard from across the castle.
Mario: Laugh it up, chuckles... I'll
get you yet.
Mario keeps walking until he is halted
by a lava waterfall. ... Err, lavafall.
Bow: You need to use MEEEE! :D
Mario: Oh, joy.
Mario and Bow uses the Outta Sight
ability and pass through the lava.
Bow: Yay, I'm useful in more ways than
one!
Mario continues with his party into
the next room, where there is a door leading north.
Bow: Go north.
Mario: Get ye flask.
Parakarry: Stop that.
Mario goes through the door and happens
upon 2 Koopatrols and a Magikoopa.
Koopatrol 1: It's Mario!
Koopatrol 2: GET 'IM!
Magikoopa: Yes, get him! Both of you...
while I leave.
The Magikoopa runs away.
Mario: Chicken. Anyway...
Mario boots both of the Koopatrols
into the lava.
Koopatrols: AAAUUUGGH!!!
Mario smashes the switch with his hammer,
and nothing happens.
Mario: ... What did that do?!
Bow: You can now walk on lava!
Mario: Really? :D
Parakarry: Let's try it out.
Parakarry pushes Mario into the lava.
Mario: Ow, this is solid! Thanks, Parakarry.
Parakarry hits the switch again, reverting
the lava back to normal.
Mario: AAAAUUUUUUGGGHHH!!! What's
your beef?!
Parakarry: Oh, nothing.
Parakarry hits the switch again and
they continue their adventure through Bowser's Castle. Mario happens upon
another item.
YOU GOT THUNDER RAGE!!!
Mario: Cool. This item I could use.
Mario continues left until he happens
upon a door facing north. He goes through it, finding a key.
YOU GOT A CASTLE KEY!!!
Mario: What to?
I DON'T KNOW!!!
Mario: Great.
Mario then heads right, where he finds
a locked door. He uses the key to unlock it, and enters a dark part of
the castle.
Mario: WOW, very dark. Watt, get out
here.
Watt: Yay, the author-
Mario: Yeah yeah, the author loves
you. Correction, no he doesn't. He loves no one.
Mario brightens the room with Watt
and follows the stone path until he comes to a fork in the road.
Mario: Great, it's a maze.
Bow: Go straight.
Mario does so and crosses the gap with
Parakarry. He then comes to another fork in the road.
Mario: Which way? WHICH WAY?! I MIGHT
GET LOST!
Bow: Straight.
Mario once again goes straight until
he comes across a gap.
Bow: Fall down.
Mario: WHAT?! Is this payback for the
things I did to you?! We don't have time for that, we have to keep going!
Bow: I wish, but you actually do have
to fall down.
Mario: Pfft, nice try. I'm not budging
from-
Parakarry pushes Mario down the gap.
Mario: NOOOOOOoooooo...
Mario ends up in back in the Bowser
Gate room.
Bowser Gate: I'll let you pass, now...
We're cool, right?
Mario: Yeah, right. (Loser.)
Mario enters a large room with a save
point. He hits it.
Mario: Gotta save my progress so my
Lemmy 64 won't crash and delete all my data.
Bow: Go up and right.
Mario then heads up the stairs and
goes right, heading into a room with a springboard.
Mario: Cool!
Mario jumps onto it, and it sends him
flying through the ceiling. He ends up in a room with another Bowser Gate.
Mario: Oh great, you again.
Bowser Gate: Yes, Gwa, ha, ha, ha!
Now you'll have to answer some questions in order to pass!
Mario: As long if isn't the Tower of
Tragedy's questions, I'm fine with it.
Bowser Gate: Very well. Question 1.
what color was Grunty's scarf?
Mario: Purple.
Bowser Gate: Correct. Question 2, what
did Bowser crash into while raiding Peach's Castle?
Mario: A china cabinet.
Bowser Gate: C-correct... Question
3, what was the first thing you heard Klevar was violently allergic to?
Mario: Loneliness.
Bowser Gate: You'll be stumped on this
one. Final Question, what color is your hat?
Mario: Uhh... um...
Parakarry: Oh, you gotta be freakin'
kidding me. MARIO, YOUR CAP IS-
Mario: Shut up, Parakarry! I gotta
figure this one out for myself... um...
2 hours later...
Mario: Um... err...
Bowser Gate: IT'S RED!!!YOUR
CAP IS RED!!! JUST GO THROUGH!!! I HATE MY LIFE!!!
The Bowser Gate explodes.
Mario: Loser. I knew it was red, I
just made sure he would crack.
Parakarry: Are you sure you
knew it was red?
Mario: Shut up, Parakarry.
Mario passes through the gate and exits
outside the castle onto a bridge. Mario then comes across some steps and
climbs up. He goes through the next door, to reveal another room that resembles
the large room from before.
Mario: This place looks the same as
the other one! Bowser's a lazy architect.
Bowser's voice: NO I'M NOT!!!
Mario: YES YOU ARE!!!
Bow: You should save to prevent the
emulator from freezing.
Mario: You're right.
Before Mario can hit the block, everything
starts going haywire.
Mario: WOAH, what in the world’s happening?!
Bow: I think it's about to lock up!
We'll need to save before we lose all of our progress!
Mario hits the save point and somehow
ends up outside Peach's Castle.
Mario: ... HUH?!
Bow: That was... odd.
Mario: It's fine for me. Let's go!
Chapter 20: Bowser REALLY stinks...
Mario enters the front door of Peach's
Caslte and leaps up to the second floor. He then goes into the library.
Mario: Hey, a dictionary! I'm keeping
this.
Mario shoves the dictionary in his
pocket and leaves the room. He then runs upstairs into the main hallway,
where Bowser is standing.
Bowser: Ah, Mario. Just like every
Bond villain, I've been expecting you, plotting your demise. And now, I
get to use the power of “The Thingy” to strike you down!
Mario: That's a pretty ridiculous name
for an ultimate weapon.
Bowser: Hey! If I'm ridiculous, then
you're REDiculous!
Mario: ... NO ONE CALLS ME RED!
Have at you!
BOWSER BATTLE!!! :O
Bowser
HP: 50
DF: I dunno
Mario
HP: IDK
DF: Just get on with the battle already!
Mario used Mega Jump! 20 damage!!
Mario: WHA?!
Bowser: That really hurt! I'm gonna
hurt you now! Grr!
Bowser used punch! 1 damage.
Mario: Uhhhhh... What was that?
Bowser: Prepare to feel the wrath of
The Thingy!
Bowser used The Thingy! He was surrounded
by an aura of light!
Mario: DIE!!!
Mario used hammer! 5 damage!
Bowser: Ow! I don't like you!
Bowser used punch! 15 damage!!
Mario: Ow, that hurt!
Mario used sissy-slap! It didn't work
too well...
Bowser: HA, HA, HA! Who's laughing
NOW, Mario?!
Mario: You.
Bowser: That was a rhetorical question,
dummy!
Bowser socked Mario! 12 damage!
Mario: OW! Die!
Mario used Star Beam! It shattered
Bowser's aura!
Bowser: AAHHH!!! NOOO!!!
Mario used hammer! 30 damage!
YOU WIN!!!
Bowser: Err, that wasn't fair. You
cheated.
Mario: I wish I did, but I didn't.
Good try though.
Bowser: Grr, meet me at the top of
the tower stereotypically, for we will have our FINAL BATTLE THERE!
Mario: Are you trying to seem more
ferocious? Because it isn't working.
Bow: AT ALL.
Bowser: Shut up! Just fight me one
more time and we'll call it a draw.
Mario: Uhh, no. We fight you, you lose,
and you don't bug me anymore.
Bowser: Uh... DEAL! Just fight me one
time, I wasn't ready!
Bowser runs away.
Mario: That was pathetic. Let's finish
this so I can go home and watch CSI: Miami!
All Party Members: YEAH!!!
Mario: How supportive. Please stop.
Mario walks along the hall and travels
up the tower. There, from a wonderful view, he walks across a wooden bridge
onto a flying platform, an ideal place for a final battle. Bowser stands
there guarding Peach, who is tied up.
Mario: All right, Bowser. THIS IS FOR
PEACH!!!
Peach: What about Luigi?
Mario: Eh, I hated him anyway. Anyway,
let's fight!
Bowser: As you wish. But first, I'm
gonna juice up!
Bowser begins doing push-ups weakly,
drinking buckets of Gatorade, and jogging in place. Mario stands idly by,
fixing his overalls and adjusting his cap. Kammy, also standing by, grows
tired of Bowser's warm-ups, so she zaps him with her wand and he gets super
big and blue flames appear on his back.
Bowser: WOAH!!! I knew Gatorade was
good for you, but MAN! I guess I was in pretty good shape after all, huh,
Kammy?
Kammy: *sigh* Yes, King Bowser.
Bowser: Now Mario, now that I'm big
and fiery, let's do battle!
Mario's eyes are widened and his mouth
is hanging open.
Bow: Mario... Are you okay-
Mario: I'M NOT FIGHTING HIM!!! YOU
CAN'T MAKE ME!!!
Mario attempts to run, but all of his
party members pop out and restrained him from escaping.
Mario: NO!!! NO, PLEASE!!! AAAAHHH!!!
Bowser: Uhh...
Peach: Uhh...
Kammy: Uhh...
Bowser: STOP.
Peach and Kammy: Fine...
Mario: You can't make me! I don't
wanna!
Bow: Mario, just freakin' fight him
already!
Parakarry: Stop wiggin' out!
Mario: ... Fine, I'll fight him.
Mario gets up slowly and begins shaking
uncontrollably.
Bowser: Are... you okay?
Mario: Yeah... yeah, I'm fine, I'm
good, I'm fine.
Bowser: Okay then. FIGHT TIME!!!
Twink: Get me a chocolate bar. :)
Peach: WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A PLATFORM
IN THE SKY!!! WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO GET YOU A CHOCOLATE BAR?! Wait a sec...
Bowser: He, he, he! I'm big and you're
small!
Mario: How did that not work?!
Peach: Mario, do you have a chocolate
bar?
Mario: A CHOCOLATE BAR?! WHY WOULD
I HAVE A... Why yes, actually, I do.
Mario throws the chocolate bar at Peach.
She then bites through the ropes and gives it to Twink.
Twink: This isn't the kind I like.
Ptooie!
Twink throws the chocolate bar off
the edge of the platform.
Mario: HEY, THAT WAS MY LAST SHROOM
2 GO!!!
Peach: You better grant my wish,
or I'll kick your Star Kid BUTT!
Twink: Eep! Okay, what do you want?
Peach whispers into Twink's nonexistent
ear. He nods, and sends a flaring ball of energy right at Mario. It hits
him, and Mario is surrounded by a golden aura.
YOU GOT THE MEME BEAM AND MEME-BASED
ATTACKS!!!
Mario: Meme Beam?! Aww, yeaah!
All right, Bowser, TAKE THIS!
Mario used FALCON PAWNCH!!! 43 damage!!
Bowser: OW!!! What in the world was
that?!
Bowser used punch! The attack was ineffective.
Mario used Weegee Stare! 50 damage!!
Bowser: AAAHH, IT BURNS!!!
Bowser used fire breath! 3 damage!
Mario: All right, time to finish this...
Mario used Meme Beam! IT'S OVER
9000 DAMAGE!!!
YOU WIN!!!
Bowser: Blarrrrghh... So many memes...
Falcon punch... Over... 9000... Ugh.
Mario: Hoo... That was intense.
Wait... I... won?!
Bow: Yes, Mario, you won.
Mario: I... WON?!
Parakarry: Um... Are you okay, Mario?
Mario: I WON!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE
I WON!!! I WON!!!
Bow: Yes, Mario, you won. We get it.
Mario runs up to Bowser, who is laying
on the ground.
Mario: IN-YOUR-FACE!!! I BEAT
YOU!!! HA, HA, HA, HA!!!
Suddenly, the Lemmy 64 crashes. All
the save data is lost and Mario is sent back to Luigi at the Twister mat.
Luigi: Good game.
Mario: ... Yeah. You did good.
Luigi: Gee, thanks!
Parakarry: MAIL CALL!
Mario, this time, walks out of his
house to pick up the mail.
Parakarry: Nice day today, eh, Mario?
Mario: I'll say. Hmm... An invitation
from Peach... Could you tell her that I won't be able to come?
Parakarry: I'll be sure to let her
know.
Mario: Gee, thanks. Here's a little
something for your trouble.
Parakarry closes his eyes, and when
he does so, Mario socks him in the face and walks back inside. He then
flops on the couch and flips on CSI: Miami. Meanwhile, at Peach's Castle...
Parakarry: Yeah, Mario said he wouldn't
be able to come. Then he punched me.
Peach: Aw, crud! There goes a whole
kidnapping plan down the toilet.
Bowser: Yeah, and I got this weird
wand thing, too!
Peach: We'll save this for another
day, I guess.
Bowser: Awwww.
Luigi: Hey, Mario, did we get any mail?
Mario: ... Just some bills. That's
pretty much it.
Luigi: That's odd, I heard about a
party at Peach's-
Mario: LUIGI, JUST DROP IT,
OKAY?! JUST DROP IT!!!
Luigi: Woah! O-okay, Mario.
Mario: *sigh* It's a long story.
Luigi: I know, I read it in Lemmy's
Land.
Mario's eyes widen.
And that, my friends, is the conclusion
to Napkin Mario: a parody of a parody that hopefully entertained you until
you began reading this paragraph. Why? Well, because this is basically
saying it's over. Which it is, but there will be a new Fun Fiction on the
way:
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