Flavio Snaps

By Lemmy's Campfire Tales

Flavio sits in the Rougeport pub with a lot on his mind.

Flavio: All of Flavio's life, Flavio has been overshadowed. The time Flavio stopped the British, the time Flavio released nineteen albums in a day, and, most recently, Flavio the Great was overshadowed by Mario. Flavio was the REAL hero of that journey. Flavio's not sure how, but Flavio was, dang it! That Mario grinds Flavio's gears! If only there were a way Flavio could get revenge on him... Mario has overshadowed so many people who probably hate him too. If only there were a way to gather up every neglected person Mario has overshadowed and get revenge on him... Oh, if only there were a way to... Wait- There IS a way! The way Flavio just said! Flavio will gather every person Mario has neglected and we will get our revenge!

Flavio cackles maniacally and begins to run out of the pub, mug in hand.

Bartender: 'Ay! Are ya gonna pay for that?

Flavio throws the mug at the Bartender, knocking him out.

Flavio: No! Flavio hates you!

Flavio runs home. He begins writing letters addressed to every neglected character.

Flavio: 'Sincerely yours, Flavio, the greatest person ever.' There we go!

Flavio stuffs the hundreds of letters in him mailbox. He goes inside and goes to sleep. The next day, he waits for people to show up...

Fifteen minutes pass, and Flavio continues to wait. Then, there is a knock upon his door.

Flavio: Who is it?

Yoshi: I'm Dark Fate Yoshi. I'm suffering from amnesia, and... and... and... BHAHAHAHAHAHA! You should've seen the look on your face!

A Goomba wearing a blue baseball cap jumps out of the Yoshi suit.

Goomba: I'm Goombario, and I'd like to join your side.

Flavio: Hey, aren't you one of those partners with Mario?

Goombario: Yes...

Flavio: Yes yes! Flavio likes! Join my side.

Flavio lets out an evil laugh.

Flavio: Come on, boy. Laugh along with Flavio.

Goombario: Of course!

They both laugh evilly and maniacally. Then, they see another person near the door. The person that is approaching appears to be an ape. Flavio and Goombario soon see that it is Donkey Kong Jr.

Flavio: Who are you and would you like to help us defeat Mario?

DK Jr: I'm DK Jr. and I would be delighted to help you defeat my old nemesis, Mario.

Flavio: Okay, you are in.

The house begins rumbling violently. Flavio screams and hides in the corner.


A dainty knock is heard on the door.


DK Jr. opens the door and sees three pairs of feet. He steps outside, looks up, and sees three dragons.

DK Jr: Who are you guys?

The first dragon hands him a business card. It reads HOOKTAIL, BONETAIL, AND GLOOMTAIL.

Hooktail: We are here for the neglected character thing.

Flavio walks outside, looking very tough.

Flavio: Flavio's name is Flavio, and I am now your boss! Bwahaha!

Gloomtail steps on Flavio.

Flavio: ... Right this way.

Suddenly, all of Bonetail's bones disconnect and he falls apart. A janitor walks onto the scene and tries to sweep the huge bones away, to no avail.

Janitor: I don't get paid enough for this.

The janitor goes to get backup, while Hooktail slyly scratches Bonetail off of their business card. Flavio somehow unflattens himself.

Flavio: Flavio welcomes you, Hooktail and Gloomtail, to my humble abode. Mi Casa es Su Casa.

Goombario: Um, I don't think they can fit.

Gloomtail: I advise you not defy us of shelter.

Flavio: We're gonna need a bigger fort. To the treehouse!

DK Jr: Nah, we got enough people. Let's just wait for one more person to come and then we can go.

The door busts down and a green light shines through beautifully.

Flavio: Flavio has never felt like this before. This light seems to shine into Flavio's soul.

DK Jr: It's beautiful.

Goombario: It's magical.

Gloomtail: It's like it is trying to let me know there is no reason to be afraid of anything.

Hooktail: I think it will protect me from the crickets...

Luigi walks in.

Flavio: Flavio has never been more disappointed.

Luigi: Wait, what?

Hooktail: What's this guy doing here? Isn't he the enemy?

Luigi: No! I'm not!

Goombario: Yes you are. You're Mario's brother.

Gloomtail: Kill him!

Luigi: Wait wait! You don't understand. I have the same problem as all of you.

DK Jr: Say what?

Luigi: Like all of you, I have been neglected due to that fiend Mario.

Gloomtail: I bet you're working undercover. Kill him!

Flavio: Flavio agrees... Only neglected villains are allowed here!

Goombario: Um...

Hooktail: I'm pretty sure you were in not one, but two games, where you had the lead role.

Luigi: Yeah, but in one it was just to save the "obviously more important" Mario, and in the other, Mario's name was in the title instead of mine!

Hooktail: Oh please.

Luigi: Besides, I have a cool black outfit. I don't recall ever wearing it, and I'm not sure where I got it... But it's cool nonetheless!

Everyone: Ooh... Black outfit...

Flavio: You're in!

Luigi: Yes!

Flavio: No more people! Flavio says we attack-

Goombario: WAIT!

Flavio: What?

Goombario: Shouldn't we attack Mario's other friends first? You know, so he doesn't have backup?

DK Jr: Good idea.

Hooktail: I agree. But who should we attack first?

Luigi: Hmm... Bowser?

DK Jr: Why him?

Luigi: Because if we decide to attack Peach before Bowser, he'll blow us to smithereens because he says it's his job to kidnap Peach.

Goombario: But we aren't kidnapping her.

Luigi: ... Good point.

Flavio: Flavio is the leader. He will decide what we do. Now what we're gonna do is attack Bowser so-

Luigi: Hm, maybe I should be leader.

Flavio: No! Flavio does not approve of this.

Hooktail: Yeah, I kinda agree with Luigi being leader. He seems smarter.

Goombario: Well, I'd rather Flavio be leader.

Flavio: Flavio agrees with this!

Gloomtail: I say Luigi on the basis that I hate people who speak in third person.

Flavio: Flavio disagrees with this.

Gloomtail: Shut up.

DK Jr: Why don't they just be co-leaders?

Gloomtail: I guess that's fine.

Flavio: Flavio disagrees with this, but he disagrees with that other thing more. I can deal with this.

Luigi: Yeah, what they said! I'm clearly smarter than you.

Flavio: That's it! Flavio says Luigi is off the team!

Gloomtail: We're not a cheerleading team or something like that.

Flavio: Flavio doesn't care! Luigi is out!

Luigi: You can't send me out if you're not leader!

Goombario: Yes he can!

Hooktail: Give me a good reason why.

Goombario: Because Flavio IS leader!

Flavio: Flavio thanks boy.

Goombario: It's Goombario.

Flavio: Flavio doesn't care!

Gloomtail: Shut up and get along before I eat you both.

Luigi: Yes ma’am.

Gloomtail: Excuse me? I'm a guy.

Luigi: I'm sorry, but you're just a recolor of your sister.

Gloomtail: ...

Hooktail: Heheh... He is right.

Flavio: Yes, we shall co-lead! That was Flavio's plan all along!

Gloomtail: Just be glad you didn't die when Mario fought you.

Hooktail: Yeah. You, too!

Goombario: Maybe we should go after Goombella first? She knows our weaknesses!

Luigi: As leader, I say yes!

Flavio: Flavio is leader, green man!

DK Jr: I thought we settled this already!

Goombario: Guess not...

Hooktail: Just hurry up and decide who we'll attack first, already!

Gloomtail: Or I'll stomp on you.

Flavio: Flavio is rushing! Dragon feet hurt!

Luigi: I suggest we split up. After all, it's not just heroes who hog our spotlight.

Flavio: Flavio agrees!

Luigi: Goombario, Hooktail, and myself will go after Mario's partners... except for Goombario.

Goombario: Good.

Luigi: Flavio, Gloomtail, and DK Jr. will go after some overrated villains.

Flavio: This is Flavio's plan, of course.

DK Jr: Right!

Gloomtail: Great... Stuck with the third person guy.

Flavio: Flavio thinks you will learn to like him.

Gloomtail: I wouldn't count on it.

Luigi: Ready?

Everyone: Break!

In Luigi's group...

Luigi: Who should we go after first?

Goombario: I say Goombella!

Hooktail: I couldn't care less, as long as we beat his friends.

Luigi: ... Goombella it is!

The group runs off in search of Goombella. After searching for an hour...

Goombario: Rogueport isn't even that big! How can we not find her?!

Luigi sees Goombella walking home holding a bag of groceries.

Luigi: Found her!

Hooktail: I'll stomp on her!

Hooktail then steps on a Bandit.

Luigi: Oh no! Now he'll steal all my money for sure if he sees me! Hide me!

Luigi then runs behind Goombario.

***Flavio's Group***

DK Jr: I'm wondering... if Hooktail and Gloomtail couldn't fit in the house, how did they hear us?

Flavio: No! There are holes in Flavio's beautiful home!

Gloomtail: Haha.

***Luigi's Group***

Goombario: What were we doing again?

Luigi: I'm not sure. The scene changed.

Hooktail: We were stomping Goombella.

Luigi: Oh yes.

Goombella: Hm, an enemy. I better tattle it.

Goombella takes out her book.

Goombella: This is Hooktail. His Max HP is 20, Attack is 5 and Defense is 1. He ap-

Hooktail: I'm a girl, you moron!

Goombella: Never interrupt me! Headbonk!

Goombella attempts to headbonk Hooktail, but she eats her.

Luigi and Goombario: Yay!

Hooktail: I don't feel so good...

In Flavio's group…

Flavio: (crying) No! How could you put holes in Flavio's beautiful home? It's one of a kind!

Gloomtail: I'm starting to hate you even more.

DK Jr: We'll all be happy by the time this is over... I hope.

Flavio (not crying anymore): Besides, what can go wrong?

A HUGE cage falls on them.

Gloomtail: Never say that again. Ever.

Flavio: Yes, daddy!

In Luigi's group…

Hooktail: Goombas taste so gross...

Goombario: Hey!

Luigi: On the bright side, we took down Goombella! Or, ate her, to be more precise. Who next?

Goombario: Koops!

Hooktail: Why are we going by Paper Mario 2 characters?

Luigi: Don't ask me.

In Flavio's group…

DK Jr: You know, Flavio, these bars are small enough for us to fit through.

Flavio: Yes, Flavio was aware of this all along!

Flavio and DK Jr. escape the cage.

Flavio: Freedom!

Flavio runs around with his arms in the air.

Gloomtail: What about me?

DK Jr: See ya later, Gloomy.

Gloomtail: ...

Flavio: Flavio thinks it would be a bad idea to leave Gloomtail behind.

DK Jr: Who cares about what you think? And you smell pretty bad.

Flavio: Flavio is insulted!!! And Flavio says you shouldn't be talking about smelling bad!!!

Gloomtail: Shut up and get me out.

Flavio: ... You know what? Flavio agrees. Let's ditch him.

DK Jr. and Flavio run off.

Gloomtail: Lame.

Lord Crump: Buh huh huh huh! I have you now!

Gloomtail: ... Please tell me this is a joke.

Lord Crump: Nope. I need a new dragon pet to kill off those who neglected me!

Gloomtail: Neglected? You were a boss, like, four times.

Lord Crump: ... Hey, shut up. Now, I just need to slip on this really big collar and you're all mine! Buh huh buh!

In Luigi's group…

Luigi: Mommy! Save me!

Hooktail: Weakling.

Hooktail then smashes Koops's shell.

Koops: D'oh!

Hooktail eats him.

Hooktail: Koopas taste SO much better than Goombas.

All Koopas that heard this run inside their houses and lock them.

Hooktail: Was it something I said?

Goombario: Bombette next!

Luigi: This is gonna be tough...

In Flavio's group…

Gloomtail gets out by bending the bars with his strong claws.

Gloomtail: You were saying?

Lord Crump: That I'm going to- WHAT?! HOW DID YOU GET OUT?!

Gloomtail: I have my ways. Now to get my revenge.

Gloomtail starts walking after Flavio and DK Jr.

Lord Crump: Maybe he'll give in if I catch his sister... If I find her.

X-Naut: Dude! You should be satisfied he didn't squash you.

Lord Crump: Be quiet. I know what I'm doing!

X-Naut: Sir, if I may interject, did you intentionally forget to wear pants today?

Lord Crump: Huh? D'oh!

Flavio: Flavio is wondering where that shadow is coming from.

Gloomtail: Hi.

Flavio: ... Flavio greets you.

Gloomtail: I suppose I should be getting revenge now.

DK Jr: No! United we stand, divided we fall!

Flavio: Flavio agrees.

Gloomtail: I don't care.

Petey Piranha: Gloorp!

DK Jr: Ooh, there's someone we're supposed to beat up.

Gloomtail: Well, he is pretty annoying...

DK Jr: Well, then stomp on him.

Gloomtail: I was about to do that.

DK Jr: Well, are you gonna stomp on Petey?

Gloomtail: Shut up! I already said I was about to stomp on him.

Petey flies into the air as DK Jr. and Gloomtail are arguing.

DK Jr: See, it's your fault that he got away.

Ignoring DK Jr, Gloomtail takes off into the air and goes after Petey. He quickly catches up with him.

Flavio: Flavio says big dragon eat plant!

Gloomtail: Nah, I'm not hungry. Besides, I thought we were supposed to beat them up.

DK Jr: Let's see how many the Luigi gang beat.

Gloomtail: How can you tell?

DK Jr: Communicator. Luigi! How many did you beat so far?

Luigi (on communicator): Two *BOOM* so far *BOOM*!

DK Jr: What's the explosions?!

Luigi: It's *BOOM* just Bomb*BOOM*ette!

Flavio: Dragon! Beat up the plant already! Bring it to the floor! Stupid plant! Flavio hates you!

Petey spits some goop on Gloomtail.

Gloomtail: Eww... Ew!

Gloomtail lands.

Gloomtail: Not going near that nasty thing.

Flavio: Flavio thinks you're a coward.

Gloomtail: ...

Three seconds later...

Flavio: (flying toward Petey Piranha) Flavio hates you alllllllllll!

Petey Piranha engulfs Flavio. Flavio looks around the creature’s stomach.

Flavio: Flavio is afraid of the dark.

DK Jr: Should we rescue him?

Gloomtail: Not until he learns his lesson.

DK Jr: When will that be?

Loud crying is heard from Petey's stomach.

Flavio: Let Flavio out! Flavio promises not to be cowardly! PLEAAASE!

Gloomtail: Okay, let's go.

DK Jr. jumps on Petey's head, knocking him down. Gloomtail stomps on Petey's belly, flinging out Flavio and killing Petey.

Flavio: Well... that was nice. ONWARDS! Next is Boshi!

In Luigi's group…

Hooktail eats Bombette, not feeling an explosion in her stomach.

Hooktail: No taste. Who next?

Goombario: Yoshi!

Luigi: So many characters to defeat...

In Flavio's group…

Flavio: Flavio thanks you both! Flavio would have been digested if it weren't for you two!

Gloomtail: I immediately regret my decision to help you.

DK Jr: Onwards to Boshi!

Gloomtail: You'd think they would catch on that we're killing everybody and hide or something, but nope.

Flavio: Are you suggesting NPCs are smart?

Gloomtail: You're an NPC, you know.

Flavio: Flavio is offended!

Gloomtail: Good. Anyway, I don't think Boshi is an overused villain. He was only in one game and it was a worse role than any of ours.

DK Jr: Hm, you're right. But we can kill whoever we want!

Gloomtail: True... But let's save him for later. I'd rather go after Bleck's gang. People love them and they weren't so great.

DK Jr: Sure, then. Bleck's gang it is.

In Luigi's group…

Goombario: So THIS is how Yoshis make so many eggs!

Hooktail: Gross! I'm not eating that thing!

Luigi: Goombario! Headbonk inside of Yoshi!

Goombario (was eaten by Yoshi): HEADBONK!

Goombario starts headbonking Yoshi's stomach.

Yoshi: Yoshi don't feel so good...

Yoshi spits Goombario out and faints. Luigi puts him Yoshi a bag and seals the top.

Hooktail: What was that for?!

Luigi: He's still alive. He knows I'm rebelling against Mario now. If we let him stay, he'll tell Mario for sure and he'll come after us.

Goombario: Onwards to Bow!

Hooktail: How do we kill a ghost?

Luigi: I still have my Poltergust 3000 with me...

In Flavio's group…

DK Jr: So um, where do they hang out?

Flavio: Castle Bleck.

DK Jr: Aren't half of them dead, or at least gone forever?

Flavio: They're revived when it's convenient.

DK Jr: Castle Bleck it is.

Insert a bunch of flipping and annoying people named Merlon.

Flavio: Flavio suggests we split up!

Gloomtail: Why?

Flavio: Because if we fight them as a group, they'll be a group too, and we'll be outnumbered!

Gloomtail: And?

Flavio: If we split up, we'll just have a bunch of one on one fights. That's a rule in fiction!

Gloomtail: It makes sense...

Flavio: So DK Jr. shall do 8-1, Gloomtail 8-2, and Flavio 8-3.

DK Jr: What about 8-4?

Flavio: We reunite for that one!

In Luigi's group…

Luigi: This is going perfect! None of us got hurt too severely, and we haven't had any bad luck yet!

Another HUGE cage falls on them. This time, the bars are closer together and are going in all directions.

Goombario: I bet I can fit!

Goombario tries, but he gets stuck.

Goombario: HELP!

Lord Crump: Buh huh huh huh! I found you!

Luigi: What do you want me for?

Lord Crump: Not you! The dragon!

Hooktail: Finally someone has something important for me. But I'm on an important mission. So let us go.

Goombario: This is actually important?

Lord Crump: No!

Goombario: No to what I said or what she said?

Lord Crump: Shut up!

X-Naut: You know, she can get out the same way her brother did.


Hooktail breathes fire at the bars, melting then. Luigi grabs Goombario and Hooktail’s tail just as she flies away.

Lord Crump: X-Naut number five-hundred and twenty...

X-Naut: Uh oh. Wait, is that even me?

Lord Crump: Yes, yes it is. Initiate escape plan 47!

X-Naut: Right!

Crump and the X-Naut run off screaming.

Hooktail: I should be chasing him, but I might break a nail.

Luigi and Goombario: ...

Hooktail: Let me guess... You both thought I was a guy, right?

Luigi and Goombario: Yes.

Hooktail sighs.

In Flavio's group…

And so it came to pass, that Flavio, Gloomtail, and DK Jr. would go through various parts of Castle Bleck, annihilating everything in their path. Well, except Flavio. He couldn't pass the first Koopatrol.

Flavio: Flavio hates you all.

With Gloomtail…

Mimi (disguised as Merlee): Ooh, what a cute dragon!

Gloomtail: I'm not cute. Now get out of my way before I destroy you.

Mimi: Um, wait, first, I must ask which of these three do you fear most: A Goomba, a Clubba, or an Ultra Shroom?

Gloomtail: None. I'm a god. I don't fear anything.

Mimi: Right. And how about between Fuzzies, Hammer Bros, and a Thunder Rage?

Gloomtail: I just told you I don't fear anything.

Mimi: And between Francis, a Cooking Mistake, and a Magikoopa?

Gloomtail: ...

Mimi: Just pick one.

Gloomtail: Goombas are pretty scary, sure.

Mimi: Liar!

Mimi transforms back to normal and chucks a rubee at Gloomtail, which bonks him on the nose.

Gloomtail: ... Ow?

Mimi: How dare you lie to a cute little girl like that!

Gloomtail: Is this a joke?

Mimi: I'm going to have to teach this meanie a lesson! Mimimimimimimi!

Mimi starts transforming into a spider. Gloomtail yawns and sips a soda.

Mimi: Hey, you’d better start taking me seriously or else!

Gloomtail: Or else what?

Mimi: Exactly.

Gloomtail: ... Okay then. Hey, um, are you an overused character?

Mimi: Of course not! I was only a boss three times!

Gloomtail: Oh, a reoccurring boss. I guess I have to beat you up then.

Mimi: Huh?

Jr. Troopa: Aha! I have you now, Mario!

Gloomtail: He's not here.

Mimi: Yeah. He was here a few months ago to save the world or some junk.

Jr. Troopa: Drat! I missed him again!

Jr. Troopa runs off.

Gloomtail: Someone's obsessed.

Mimi: Yeah, really.

In Luigi's group…

Hooktail: So, now we can go get Bow, right?

Goombario: Yep.

Luigi: Um, where does she live?

Hooktail: How should I know?

Goombario: Some kind of forest, I think.

Luigi: This could be a problem...

With Flavio…

Flavio: Flavio says splitting up was NOT a good idea! Not at all!

Flavio then gets hit by a hammer.

With DK Jr…

DK Jr: Dad would plow through you as if you were a boulder!

Koopatrol: Um... Thanks?

DK Jr: Wait, wha? Oh no! I mean, he'll plow through you as if you were tough snow!

Koopatrol: Er, thanks again, for me being tough snow and a boulder. Boulders are strong.

DK Jr: If he were here, you wouldn't even be saying that!

Koopatrol: By father, do you mean the DK that appears in spinoffs or Cranky Kong?

DK Jr: Hmm... You know, I'm not sure.

Koopatrol: Great. Now I'm confused.

While the Koopatrol is trying to figure out this mystery, DK Jr. slips by.

In Luigi's group…

Luigi: Help! I'm lost!

Hooktail: We're not even in the forest yet.

Goombario: There's the forest! Many Boos must live here. I don't know. I've never played Paper Mario.

Hooktail: You were IN Paper Mario.

Luigi: Yeah.

Goombario: ... Oh.

Hooktail: Great, our best person to help us navigate through the forest is a complete idiot.

Goombario: Hey!

With Gloomtail…

Gloomtail: You know what? Just stand still and let me beat you up.

Mimi: Never!

Gloomtail: Hey! Are those Star Spirits carrying the Star Rod?

Mimi: I'm not going to fall for that.

Gloomtail: Dang. I thought it would work on an idiot like you.

Mimi: Hey! That isn't-

Mimi then gets blasted by the Star Rod.

Gloomtail: Wha? There really wasn't a Star Rod there... Oh well. Makes my job easier.

Gloomtail then steps on Mimi.

Count Bleck: BEH HEH HEH! BLECK!

Gloomtail: What now?

Count Bleck suddenly appears via flip.

Count Bleck: Why is there a large dragon in my castle, questions Count Bleck.

Gloomtail: Just harming overrated characters.

Count Bleck: Count Bleck does not approve of you attacking his loyal minions.

Gloomtail: I'm sorry, but anybody who transforms into a spider is just begging to be stepped on.

Count Bleck: Point taken.

Gloomtail: Are you aware there's two other people here you can harass?

Count Bleck: Yes, but you are the most legitimate threat.

Gloomtail: Oh. How are the others doing then?

Flavio runs by, being chased by a Hammer Brother.

Hammer Brother: Nyuck nyuck!

Flavio: Flavio hates you!

Count Bleck: As for the third, he seems to be after Dimentio, but I dispatched of him a while ago since he betrayed me last time, so I'm not sure what he's trying to do.

With DK Jr…

DK Jr: Die!

DK Jr. can be seen fighting a coat rack.

With Gloomtail…

Gloomtail: So, why are you even here?

Count Bleck: I live here, stated Count Bleck.

Gloomtail: So no evil plan?

Count Bleck: Nope.

Gloomtail: What happened to your girlfriend?

Count Bleck: She left me because I talk in third person too much.

Gloomtail: Owned.

Count Bleck: ...

Gloomtail: I guess you're not destroying the world again?

Count Bleck: If you push too many of Count Bleck's buttons, he just may.

Gloomtail: Um... Your cape's ugly.

Count Bleck: ... All right, where's that Dark Prognosticus, asks Count Bleck.

Count Bleck exits.

Gloomtail: Right. I'm sick of this ugly castle.

Gloomtail also exits.

Mimi (still flattened): Hey! Somebody help me up!

In Luigi's group…

Hooktail: Hi.

Bow: Bootler, why is there a dragon looking inside my window?

Bootler: I'm not entirely sure.

Bow: Well, then get rid of it.

Bootler: Will do, Miss Bow. Die!

Bootler pokes Hooktail's eye with a stick. It would have worked if the window was open.

Bow: The window is closed.

Luigi: Hah! You helped Mario in Paper Mario! Hey, that rhymed...

Goombario: Idiot! You just rhymed Mario with Mario!

Luigi: Shut up! I don't care! Die, Bow!

Bow: But I'm already dead.

Luigi then takes out his Poltergust 3000. He turns it on, and Bow starts to scream.

Bootler: No! I shall save you, Miss Bow!

Bootler then jumps in front of the Poltergust 3000 and gets sucked in. The vacuum then breaks down.

Luigi: Good thing I have a spare! No one to save you now, Bow!

Luigi turns the other one on. Bow starts to scream... again. But nothing happens.

Bow: Hey, I'm not going in. Good. Bootler got sucked in for nothing. Now you shall pay!

Hooktail: Drat.

Insert about 30 minutes of Bow smacking Luigi with a fan.

Luigi: Pain...

Goombario: And us?

Bow: I haven't thought of anything yet. Give me a minute.

Hooktail: You know, I'm pretty sure I can eat Boos. Tubba Blubba was able to, after all.

Goombario: Hey, you're right!

Bow: Uh oh.

In Flavio's group…

Gloomtail: I probably should have told them I was leaving as there isn't really anyone else to beat up. Oh well, guess I'll wait outside.

Magiblot: Stop talking to yourself.

Gloomtail: Stop existing.

Gloomtail eats the Magiblot. A moment later, Flavio lands next to him face-first after being thrown through a window.

O'Chunks: That's fer even thinkin' of messin' with the Count!

Flavio: Flavio is in a great deal of pain.

Gloomtail: Good.

Flavio: Flavio hates you!

Gloomtail: Good.

After a few minutes of bickering, DK Jr. runs out of the castle, cheering.

DK Jr: I have defeated the coat rack!

Gloomtail: Congrats. Now I'm sick of beating up lame villains. Let's just join up with the others and take out Mario.

DK Jr: Um, where are they?

Flavio: Flavio knows!


DK Jr: I don't think they're at the ice cream parlor.

Flavio: Silence! Flavio enjoys ice cream!

DK Jr: You know what? I'm using the communicator again. Luigi! Where are you?

Luigi: Pain...

DK Jr: You're in Pain? Sorry, I don't know where that is.

Luigi: That means I'm hurting! Anyway, we're in Bow's home. Where are you?

Gloomtail: Ice cream parlor...

Hooktail: Mm! Ice cream sounds good!

Goombario: We'll get some after we get Mario.

Gloomtail: We're ready to go now.

Luigi: Already? Fine, fine. Wait, I’ve got a good one to beat up next. Meet us in front of Peach's Castle and I'll tell you.

DK Jr: Wait!

Luigi and Co. are already gone.

Gloomtail: Well, let's go...

They exit.

Flavio: No! Flavio loves ice cream!

Gloomtail: Why do I have a feeling they'll be there before us?

Flavio runs back into the parlor like a young child.

Gloomtail: Oh my me... Get it, I replaced "God" with "me" because I'm god- Hey!

Goombario follows Flavio into the ice cream parlor.

Flavio: And Flavio will have this one, and this one, and that one, and the other one, and the one that's- no, not that one, the one on the left. And Flavio'll have... CAN'T YOU JUST TAKE SIMPLE DIRECTIONS?!

The parlor worker is on the ground crying.

Worker: Please make it stop...

Flavio: And this one, and this one, and-

Goombario drags Flavio out of the store with his invisible hands.

Goombario: So who, Luigi?

Luigi: Peach!

DK Jr: Great idea! Let's barge into the castle and get trampled by guards! What a genius plan!

Luigi: ... Be quiet, you.

Hooktail: I'll eat 'em!

Gloomtail: I'll stomp on 'em... Eat some too. The rest is up to you guys.

Flavio: Mmfm mgh!

He swallows his ice cream.

Flavio: Flavio agrees!

Goombario: Where did you get- Never mind. Good luck, everyone. Especially Luigi.

Luigi: Why me?

Goombario: Hooktail and Gloomtail are beating and eating guards.

Hooktail and Gloomtail: Yup!

Goombario: Flavio will stay out here and eat ice cream.

Flavio: Yes, yes! Flavio likes!

Goombario: DK Jr. and I shall protect Luigi until we reach Peach. She doesn't know that he's turned evil.

Luigi: I haven't! It's called revenge.

Goombario: Whatever. Sneak attack her. Ready? Set?

Everyone: Break!

Flavio: Mmk!


Peach: Ah, what a lovely day. Today is the anniversary of the day I always get kidnapped, but I'm sure that won't happen tod–

WHAM! Hooktail bursts through the roof, squashing some of the guards.

Peach: Oh, never mind.

DK Jr. attempts to snatch Peach, but she swats him away with her parasol.

Peach: Ha! Whoever's behind this will never catch m–

Luigi: Oh, really?

Peach: Luigi? What are you doing here?

Luigi takes out a grabber arm and grabs Peach.

Luigi: I've got her! Let's go!

Gloomtail: Mf mff mf mf mf mf.

Luigi: Okay, swallow first.


Gloomtail: Let's go!

Luigi and Co. get on top of Gloomtail and he flies away. Flavio barely manages to grab Hooktail's tail as she flies by.

Meanwhile, at Bowser's Keep...

Bowser: What do you mean Peach has been kidnapped! ONLY I’M SUPPOSED TO DO THAT! ROAR!

Mario: Then where's my pasta?!

Bowser: Put him in the cannon!

Hammer Bro: Right away!

The Koopa/Goomba army puts Mario in a cannon and shoots him away... back to his own house.

Meanwhile, back with Luigi and Co...

Luigi: Um... Is it just me, or did I just see Mario fly over me?

Goombario: It's just you. Mario problems. I get nightmares just thinking about him.

Luigi: Yeah, I guess you're right.

Hooktail: Mario's house at 12 o'clock!

Flavio: But it's 1 o'clock!

Gloomtail: Are you being stupid on purpose, or are you really that dumb?

Flavio: Are you talking to me?

Gloomtail: That answers that.

Goombario knocks on the door.

Mario: Who is it?

Goombario: Um... pizza delivery!

Mario: (to himself) Uh oh, I haven't paid the gas bill!

Mario proceeds to attempt to exit out a back window.

Flavio: Flavio is bored!

Gloomtail: We've only been knocking for five seconds.

Flavio: Flavio grows tired of your antics! Flavio challenges you to a duel!

Flavio runs toward Gloomtail, but trips and falls.

Flavio: This shall be called as a draw!

Goombario: Umm, he isn't answering.

Flavio: Flavio will take care of this!

Flavio runs at the door and hits it at full force. He falls down unconscious. The door slowly cracks open.

Gloomtail: Wow, he actually did something useful...

Hooktail: It wasn't even locked.

Gloomtail: Hey! He's running away! Get him!

Mario: Nooo! They want me for sure now! Wait, what am I running from?

Goombario: Free pizza since we came thirty minutes late.

Mario: Oh... PIZZA!

Mario runs to the door and Hooktail eats him.


Luigi then starts whacking Hooktail with a stick.

Hooktail: Where's the pizza?!


Gloomtail then eats Luigi.

Gloomtail: I suddenly have the desire to feel overshadowed by Hooktail. You know, she did always appear a lot in those Paper Mario 2 screenshots, and I wasn't even spoiled for the general populace!

Flavio: Flavio hates where this is going.

DK Jr: Wait, you actually know where we are?

Flavio: Of course! You think Flavio was being stupid all day?

Goombario: ... Um...


Gloomtail: Hooktail, shadow over me. You deserve it.

Hooktail: Of course I do! Now seriously... GIVE ME MY FREE PIZZA!!!

Goombario: Right, this is worse than regular Mario.

Flavio: Flavio agrees.

DK Jr: Wow, you're useless.

Flavio: Flavio agrees! No wait, Flavio disagrees!

Goombario headbonks Hooktail's stomach and she spits up Mario.

Hooktail: Well, that was highly unpleasant...

Meanwhile, Gloomtail attempts to put on a black outfit as well as build a robot.

Gloomtail: Gwahahaha... Soon you will all see the power of Mr. G!

Mario moonwalks out of sight as everyone stares in disbelief.

Hooktail: What happened to him?

Goombario: Bad dinner.

Hooktail: Crickets?!

Goombario: No, Pizza Hut.

DK Jr: That almost makes me feel sorry for Mario.

The group stares at him in disbelief.

DK Jr: If you've ever had Pizza Hut you'd see why.

Mario is now climbing up the chimney using only his tongue.

Flavio: Even Flavio thinks this is insane.

Goombario: Wait, is he trying to escape?

DK Jr. jumps up the chimney and drags Mario back down.

Mario: But wait! I want to put the mittens on the cookie!

DK Jr: You'll be mittening no cookies where you're going.

Mario: Mongolia?

DK Jr: Where's that?

While DK Jr. thinks, Mario uses his mailbox to dig a hole and escape. Everyone attempts to jump in the hole, but they get stuck. They find Mario at the bottom of the hole, playing cards with some Monty Moles.

Mario: Got any threes?

Monty Mole: This is poker, not go fish.

Mario: ... Got any threes?

Flavio grabs Mario.

Flavio: Haha! Flavio has got you!

Goombario: Now what?

Flavio: ... Flavio never thought that through.

Mario: Hi.

Flavio: ... Hello.

Mario: Hi.

Flavio: ... Flavio can't do it!

Hooktail: I'll do it then.

Flavio: Okay!

Goombario: I wonder where Gloomtail went...

Gloomtail: (sealing hole everyone's in) That'll teach them to ignore Mr. G! Gwahahaha!

Ludwig: My laugh is superior!

Gloomtail: Shut it chump!

Gloomtail stomps away after the hole is filled.

Ludwig's eyes narrow.

Ludwig: I don't like this guy.

Dramatic music plays.

Lemmy: Couldn't go one submission without a Koopaling, could we?

Ludwig: Well, now it's two Koopalings.

Lemmy: Darn it. Well, what happens to our "heroes" now? Gloomtail's been turned into a villain, I Guess. Luigi's been eaten, and everyone else is buried.

Ludwig: How would I know? I'm not the writer. I guess they're dead. No big loss. They are neglected after all.

Lemmy: The end then?

Ludwig: Sure, Lemmy, whatever.

Lemmy: Next time you darn writers will give me more lines. You hear me?!


Lemmy: Drat.

The End

Credit goes to Dark Koopa, Flame Chocobo, Maguskoopa, Tail Koopa, Freezy Toad, Khioski, Mr.Nose, and zz1666 for writing, editing, suggesting, or in any way enhancing this story.

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