Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Directors Cut

By Hammerthingys42

It is another peaceful day in Rogueport. Officer Shy Guy has just hung 6 pickpockets. Only17 deaths have occurred today. The left side of the island is only littered in dead bodies, not covered. All is peaceful. A ship comes up to the Rogueport Dock. Officer Shy Guy watches from the shadow.

Shadow the Hedgehog: Dude, get off me.

Officer Shy Guy: Oh, sorry.

Officer Shy Guy gets off of Shadow and hides in the shadows. Oddly enough, Officer Shy Guy sees Princess Peach and Toadsworth get off the boat. While relieved to see someone from the actual game, Officer Shy Guy is curious why the princess is here in Rogueport.

Toadsworth: Now now, Princess. Stay put, do you hear?

Princess Peach punches Toadsworth in the face and starts kicking him on the ground until she’s sure he’s unconscious.

Peach: Wow. When was the last time I did something in a game, let alone something like THAT?

Princess Peach walks over to the center of Rogueport, where an old merchant is selling goods.

Peach: I finally got away from Toadsworth.

Someone hangs their underwear out on the clothesline.

Peach: Not that this is exactly High Class Town of the Year.

Someone hangs a cat up on the clothesline.

Peach: Why did they hang a cat up on the clothesline?

Because he was wet. Duh.

Creepy Old Merchant Guy: Pardon me, miss, but-

Peach: No. I’ve already got a boyfriend.

Creepy Old Merchant Guy: I was gonna ask if you wanted to buy some random junk that may or may not be important to the storyline.

Peach: Well, we don’t really have a storyline as of now… Why not?

Peach looks through the stuff.

Peach: Do you sell the Wii?

Creepy Old Merchant Guy: Toots, no one sells the Wii.

It’s true. Do you know it took me about 3 months to finally find a place that had a Wii in stock? What I wouldn’t have given to get those 2 Japanese guys on the commercials to come to my house. But anyway, Peach keeps looking through the stuff.

Peach: Cobalt Star, Shine Sprite, Beanstar… Where are you when we need you?

Creepy Old Merchant Guy: I also sell Chaos Emeralds and Waffle Makers.

Peach: It’s only been 377 words, and we’ve already had two Sonic the Hedgehog references. This guy has to stop that.

Creepy Old Merchant Guy: And he’s got to stop calling me Creepy Old Merchant Guy. I’m only 79, so I’m not old. Also I have a name. It’s Rupert.

I’ll stop referencing Sonic the Hedgehog and call you Rupert from now on if you get on with the plotline.

Rupert: Works for me. Take this box and open it, ‘cause I can’t.

Rupert hands Peach a box.

Peach: Why not?

Rupert: ‘Cause I’m not as awesome as you.

Peach: Okay.

Peach opens the box and a blinding light comes out.

Peach: I’m not gonna say anything here because I’ve been told not to speak.

Ok, guys, you’ve made your point. Go back and tell us a little about the box.

Rupert: This box can only be opened by someone with the purest soul.

Peach: Was it passed down in your family for generations?

Rupert: Um, no. I pried it from the hands of a carcass in the back alley.

Peach: …

Rupert: …

Peach: …

Rupert: …

Peach: …

Rupert: …

Peach: …

Rupert: What?

Peach: He wasn’t a carcass when you found him, was he?

Rupert: … No, he wasn’t.

Peach: Okay, I’ll open it, but I’d like some disinfectant wipes for afterwards OK. OPEN THE BOX. NOW.

Peach: Fine.

Right, right. Big flashing light and stuff. And since Rupert never shows up again, let’s just say it kills him.

Rupert: DANG IT!

Okay, so later at Mario’s house…

Parakarry: Mail Call!

Mario runs out of his house.

Mario: Go away, you stupid Koopa! You had your chance to be regular character last game, and you failed! Now go away and live your life only making cameo appearances and having your fans hope you will return someday! Like Geno! Now go away!

Parakarry flies away as fast as possible. Mario goes back inside while Luigi goes out and grabs the mail. He comes back inside and talks to Mario, who is throwing bacon against the wall.

Luigi: Mario, why are you throwing the bacon I made for you for breakfast against the wall?

Mario: To see if it will stick. Duh.

Luigi: … Well, you got a letter from Princess Peach. Do you want me to read it to you?

Mario: No! Don’t think you have to do everything for me. I can do it by myself. Give me the letter, will ya?

Luigi: Lazy.

Peach (You know, like in movies and stuff when you can hear the person who wrote the letter say it as the person who’s reading it reads it? That’s what this is. Peach isn’t actually there): “Hello there, Mario. I am now on holiday (and also apparently European, since I said ‘Holiday’ and not ‘vacation’) traveling the Mushroom Kingdom. In my travels, I came upon a treasure map. Rupert wanted 57,000 coins for the box now that he found out the box had a map in it, but he died, so I got it for nothing. But since I’m WAY too much of a wimp to find the treasure all by myself… I thought you could help me hunt for it! I’ve attached the map to this letter, so I’ll see you when you arrive. (Note: Peach must be referring to wherever her most recent kidnappers live, since there’s no way she honestly believes that she’s not gonna get kidnapped this time.) PS. This means you must come or so help me, I’ll burn your house to the ground, HAVE LUIGI DROPPED INTO A PIT OF VICIOUS CHAIN CHOMPS, AND HAVE SUPER SMASH BROS. BRAWL DELAYED AGAIN. GET THE HINT, MARIO? Sincerely, Princess Toadstool” 

Luigi: So, what does the princess say?

Mario: Uhhhhhhh… She says Hi!

Luigi: Nothing about my dashing good looks?

Mario starts sweating as he looks over the letter again, mostly about that postponing Brawl part.

Mario: Uh, no. Nothing. Hey… uh... Luigi? I’ve… uh… gotta go to Rogueport for a little while. Did, uh… that letter come with a map?

Parakarry: It sure did! But you’ll never get it, jerkwad!

Mario: Who says “jerkwad” anymore?

Mario jumps across the table to get to Parakarry. He knocks a pitcher of orange juice onto the floor.

Luigi: That’s okay. It was getting too warm to drink anyway. Byebye Mario!

Mario smashes through the window. He jumps on Parakarry’s head 7 times and then spins around in the air while swinging his hammer. Mario grabs on to Parakarry’s foot. Parakarry tries to shake him off, but gives up and kicks him with his other foot in the face repeatedly. Mario does that stupid “I-Got-Your-Nose!” thing and Parakarry falls for it. He drops Mario and the map right on Rogueport Dock.

Mario: Well, that’s convenient.

Prologue: A Moron’s Welcome

Two X-Nauts and a guy I could describe how he looks are chasing a Goomba girl. I don’t feel like describing him and I’m just gonna call him Lord Crump.

Lord Crump: Listen, kid. We’ve been stalking you and we know that you know that your professor knows that Fawful knows that Stuffwell knows that Ganondorf knows about the Crystal Stars, so tell us what we want to know, right now!

Goomba Girl (who I’m gonna save time on and just call by her real name, Goombella): Why were you stalking me?!

Lord Crump: Uh

He looks at the 2nd X- Naut for an answer.

2nd X-Naut: I dunno… T find out if she knew about the Crystal Stars?

Crump turns back around.

Crump: To find out if you knew about the Crystal Stars!

Goombella: So, what, you’re stalking everyone?

Crump turns around to the 2nd X-Naut, who is still smarter than him.

2nd X-Naut: Uh… well… uh… try… Yes?

Crump turns back around. While he’s turned Mario jumps on the first X-Naut, who says something about “No lines yet” before he dies.

2nd X-Naut: Hey, uh…

Mario smashes his head in with his hammer and puts on the X-Naut’s outfit.

Crump: Yes! Well, now I'm doing the asking, so be a good girl and tell us what you know! Right. NOW!

Goombella: No.

Crump turns around and doesn’t notice that the X-Naut looks totally different because he’s stupid.

Crump: What should I do now?

Mario gives Lord Crump his hammer.

Mario: Say that if she runs away you’ll hit yourself in the head with this hammer.

Crump takes the hammer and turns around.

Crump: If you run awa- HEY!!!

Goombella and Mario run away and Crump hits himself with the hammer over and over again.


Mario and Goombella run into the center of Rogueport. Two Piantas dressed like members of the Mafia are beating up some ugly, bird-like creature.

Goombella: Hi, cute butt! I’m Goombella. Welcome to Rogueport! You’re a hunk!

The Pianta Mafia guys are punching and kicking the bird-thing, who is screaming.

Mario: Hey, over there. What’s with the Pianta Mafia gu-

Goombella: Gosh, Mario, you’re so dreamy when you’re dumb! I’m gonna be your partner now and you’ll never get rid of me!

The Pianta guys are now shooting the bird-thing and yelling Mushroom Kingdom racial slurs at him.

Goombella: Toadsworth should be here any minute to say more stuff to move the plot along. Has anyone ever said how beautiful your eyes are?

The Pianta guys are strangling Mr. Bird-thing.

Um, no. Thanks. But I think it’s more important that we help that guy who’s dying over ther-

Goombella: Well, that’s because your eyes are ugly. But, you have the cutest butt! Oh, Mario! I can’t wait to have gorgeous Human-Goomba-baby-combos with you! We’ll name them Billy, Britney, Bobby, Brett, Bailey, Baldwin, Barbie, Bambi…

Mario runs over and puts himself in Mr. Bird-Thing’s Place.


Pianta Mafia Dude: Sorry, man. We just finished. Come back in an hour and we’ll do you, though.

Mario: Well, after an hour’s gone by I can probably trick Goombella to be the one you do.

Pianta Mafia Guy: All right. See you then.

Goombella (not noticing that anything has happened): …Bert, Benjamin, Bluma, Blake, Bowser, and Mama Luigi!

Toadsworth: Oh, ho! Hello, Mario!...

He goes on being annoying for a while and really the only important parts are:

1.   Peach has been kidnapped. Duh.
2.   Toadsworth doesn’t know who did it. Of course.
3.   Goombella wants to find the Crystal Stars wicked bad. Not that that one really matters.
4.   The map leads to the Crystal Stars. So don’t let Goombella see it or she’ll go nuts.
5.   The X-Nauts at the pier want the Crystal Stars too ‘cause they’ve got super powers. Or something like that. If you get all 7 you can open a big door that lets you destroy the world or something. Eh, wot?

Mario is humming the Super Smash Bros. Brawl Theme.

Mario: Huh? I wasn’t listening because you annoy the crud outta me.

Goombella; Oh, and we should name two of our babies Jeff and Hal!

Mario: Go away!

Mario runs away. Goombella runs after him and smashes through a wall because her love is that strong. And that creepy. A Bandit runs through Mario.

Bandit: Oops! Pardon me, sucke- OW!!!

Mario whacks him with his hammer he somehow still has even though he never got it back from Lord Crump. Mario uses his hammer to knock down the door to a random house that happens to be Professor Frankly’s. Mario crouches down and hides behind him.

Mario: Don’t let Goombella get me! Oh… You’re not her father, are you?

Frankly: Oh, I remember Goombella… Don’t worry. If she starts to fall in love with you, smack her in the face with a salmon.

Mario: But the Salmon Slap attack requires so much FP! And the Action Command is so hard.

Frankly slaps Goombella with a salmon. The two have a long and boring conversation about going to see the giant door the Crystal Stars open. So they go down into the sewers to look for it.

Voice: Hey! Hey, man! What's up? Who's the hottie you got there with you?

A Goomba, a Paragoomba, and Spiked Goomba who think they’re awesome are there.

Paragoomba: Wassup, baby? Why don't you hang with us for a while? We play real nice!

Spiny Goomba: Man, what's a FINE-lookin' Goomba doin' with a tubby mustache man like that?!

Mario: Oh, it is, like, SO sweet that you boys think I'm cute! Seriously! Yeah, guys like you make me feel like TOTALLY BARFING! OMG! I, like, totally can NOT believe it. I mean, like, I thought you were, like, dating Tracey. And besides, Goombella is NOT tubby. And the mustache makes her look hot.

Goomba: What… in… the… world?!

Spiny Goomba: Well, now that he mentions it, I think I do see the girl’s mustache!

Goomba: What… in… the… world?!

Paragoomba: What, you're too good for us? Come off it, baby!

Goomba: What… in… the… world?!

Spiked Goomba: That’s it. You’re outta the group, Paragoomba.

Mario: Besides, Yo Momma so ugly, she went to an ugly contest and they said “Sorry. No professionals.”

Spiked Goomba: Yeah, well, Yo Momma so stupid she would actually enter an ugly contest!

Goombella: Yo Momma so fat that when you were born, you got lost in the fat folds.

Goomba: Yo Momma so stupid, she would think that one’s a good diss and not remember that Goombas reproduce through spores.

Frankly: Your Mother is quite unintelligent to the point where she reiterates our previous phrases. (Translation to normal Yo Momma Joke Format: Yo Momma so stupid she tells these jokes!)

Paragoomba: …

Spiked Goomba: …

Goomba: Just as well we lost there. Paragoomba was gonna go next.

Spiked Goomba: Oh, we lost?

Goomba: Yeah. I speak loser.

The Goomba gang leave.

Mario: By the way, Goombella, I was just defending you. You really are tubby.

Goombella: Oh, Mario! The more you insult me, the more I fall in love with you!!!


Ha ha. Chowder reference. So, yeah. They head to the giant door.

Black Chest: Wait! WAIT! You have to let me curse you- I mean, get me out of this chest first!

Frankly: But what if you find out that we’re looking for the Crystal Stars?

Goombella: Yeah, Mario. What would we do then?

Black Chest: No! You wouldn’t have to worry about that! I might even help you find them! You know, like, by turning you into an airplane or something!

Mario walks away and just jumps up to get to the door.

Chest: You’ll regret this!

The 3 stand in front of a pedestal in front of the door.

Frankly: So, are you gonna stand on it, or what?

Mario: What are you, crazy? I’m not standing on it! Who knows what’s gonna happen?!

Goombella: Well, we can’t just stand here doing nothing! This prologue is already ten pages long and mostly just filler, Mario, baby.

Mario: Hey! I’ve got an idea!

Mario throws Goombella onto the pedestal. A boulder lands on Goombella and kills her.

Mario: I wish, Narrator. She’s still alive under there. I can hear her mumbling about how beautiful our children were going to be.

Yeah. Shame she’s still in this story. Oh, by the way, you missed your appointment with the Piantas. So a big light comes and Mario gets, like, this super-move-thing. Frankly starts talking about how improbable this event is, so Mario takes the opportunity to ditch him and Goombella, and heads off in the opposite direction. He finds a Blooper tentacle and looks at it.

Mario: Ooooooooohhhhh! Is that spaghetti?

Blooper: If I say yes, will you eat me?

Mario: No.

Blooper: Than, yes! Yes, I am spaghetti, yes!

Mario raises his hammer and screams.


Blooper: What the Bloop?

Mario smashes the crud out of the Blooper’s tentacle and it dies. Wait, how can a tentacle die?

Mario: Shut up.

Blooper: All right, bloop. I’m about to bloopin’ shove my bloopin’ tentacle up you’re bloopin’ bloop.

Mario: Do all Bloopers talk like that, or is that censorship?

Blooper bloop-slaps Mario 72 times.

Mario: Okay, it’s definitely censorship.

Shut the bloop up, Mario. Mario kills the rest of the Blooper tentacles. BISABMDPOAHT.

Mario: What?

Blooper: Oh, it’s another one of those bloopin’ annoying Internet acronyms. It stands for Blooper Is Still Alive Because Mario Didn’t Pull Off His Tentacles.

Mario: You mean like in Super Mario Sunshine? But that part of the game grossed the bloop outta me!

Blooper: Now you got it!

Mario: Bloop this! Hey, Blooper! Look! Cake!

Blooper turns around and Mario runs into the pipe that leads to chapter 2.

But will Mario be able to save the princess? Will Mario find all seven Crystal Stars? Will Goombella find Mario? (Don’t get too excited. The answer is yes.) And most importantly… What did Mario do with Parakarry’s nose?! Find out in chapter 2 of…

Blooper: I don’t see the cake…

Chapter 1: Castle and Dork

Mario pops out of the pipe that leads to Pedal Meadows in Chapter 1.

Mario: Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Didn’t the Prologue end saying I was going to Chapter 2?

Well, yeah. But that’s because that prologue seems way too long to be a prologue. I always call it a chapter by accident and say that Chapter 1 is Chapter 2. But, yeah. I messed up. It’s only Chapter 1.

Mario: Dang.

Goombella: Golly, Love Muffin! We’re here! The Petal Meadows, where folks say a Crystal Star hides. Oh, Mario! The start of our incomprehensibly romantic adventure! Oh, Mario… Kiss me.

Mario: No.  How did you even get here, you stupid Goomba?

Goombella: Our love enabled me to pass all obstacles, cootchie-cootchy-lovey-baby-googlepuss.

Mario slaps Goombella with a salmon.

Goombella: The rock got sick of me talking to it and committed suicide, and I gave the Blooper a piece of cake.

A big shadow passes overhead.


Goombella; No, it’s just a giant dragon.

Mario: Oh, those are lame.

Mario and Goombella go to Petalburg instead of staying in one place making filler.

Koopa: Hello! Welcome to Pedal Meadows! I’m a generic innocent bystander! Watch out for the dragon that lives near here, Hook-

Hooktail grabs the Koopa and flies him back to his castle.


Mario: Oooh, Mr. Dragon’s not so lame now.

Mario and Goombella go into the mayor’s house because Mario remembered that he made a bet with Luigi that he’d steal an antique shell from an old Koopa.

Mayor Kroop: WHOOZAT! Oh, Bertha. It’s you.

Mario: Um, no. I’m-a Mario! I’ve come to steal your shell.

Kroop: I won that bingo game fair and square, and you know it!

Mario: Look, I made a bet with my not nearly as awesome brother that I’d steal an antique shell, so if you could just-

Kroop: Well, we’d need a limbo stick first, wouldn’t we, honey?

Mario: Look! I’m not gonna be the one who’s The King Of Second Bananas, I’m not gonna wear green because I look fat in it, and I’M NOT GONNA LOSE THIS BET AND MAKE LUIGI RIGHT! NOW GIMME YOUR SHELL!

Kroop: I appreciate that, Murphy. They are nice eyebrows.

Mario: What’s wrong with this guy?

Goombella: I don’t know, but isn’t he adorable?


Mario slaps Goombella with a salmon.

Kroop: Wuzzat? Oh, yeah. The Crystal Stars. The giant dragon Hooktail ate one but the key to his castle is hidden in Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhwonk Fortress.  You’ll have to go beat up tons of Fuzzies for it. And there’s a Thwomp there that runs a gameshow so you’ll have to outsmart him first.

Mario: … Ok. Thanks for the info.

Mario heads to the gate, but another generic innocent bystander Koopa is guarding it.

Koopa: Halt! I’m not allowed to let anyone pass this gate.

Mario jumps on his head and knocks his shell away. Then he jumps over the gate because he’s good at that. Jumpin’ is Mario’s thing, you know that.

Voice: Umm... Excuse me! Err... I beg your pardon! Wait a moment, PLEASE!!!

A  Koopa with a sweatshirt and named Koops {Come on, you knew that! Who did you think it was, Kylie Koopa?} walks up to Mario and Goombella.

Koops: Pardon me for yelling like that... I was panicking. Umm... How to begin? M-My name's... Koops. I-I was-um… recently released from the Mushroom Kingdom Mental Hospital and uh... I-I… heard you're traveling to Hooktail's castle. So, anyways, I, uh... I had a favor to ask you. If… It’s not too much…………….. trouble then- my................................uh ..........................................................................................................................................................uh ...............................uh. .............................................. Uh...............................................Uh............................................ Uh.....................................

Mario: Maybe he’ll know English when we get back.

Mario and Goombella head off to Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhwonk Fortress. They see a statue of a Thwomp with a bow tie on. When Mario goes next to it, a ! appears above his head.

Mario: Either I just became Solid Snake character, or when A is pressed while I’m in front of this, it comes to life.

Goombella: I think it’s the first one!

Mario: Well, I’m still not pressing A in front of this.


Thwomp throws a rock a Mario. Mario falls onto the ground.

Goombella: Mario! Mario! MAAARIO!

Mario jumps up and points a Fire Flower he must have got at some point at the Thwomp.

Goombella: Good thinking, Mario! We can go attack him by-

Mario whacks Goombella with his hammer and knocks her into the Thwomp. Mario runs outside and shuts the door, leaving Goombella stuck in there with the Thwomp.

Thwomp: Uh…

Goombella: … I think I love you.

One suicide later, Mario goes back inside and goes down the pipe that Thwomp was on.

Goombella: Wait up, love nugget!

Mario and Goombella beat up all these Fuzzies to get a sun-shaped-stone and a moon-shaped-stone. Then they leave.

Mario: Ummm… That was way too easy.

The gold Fuzzy comes in with a suitcase and a Hawaiian shirt on.

Gold Fuzzy: Oh, that was the best vacation EVER!

Gold Fuzzy jumps down the warp pipe. Mario and Goombella think it best not to question it, and head over to Hooktail’s castle. On their way there they see Koops again.

Mario: Oh, joy. The nut bar again. What do you want?

Koops: It's... It's Mario, right? Look, I... Ummmm... See, the thing is, I've been waiting here in the hope of getting to speak with you. I have to ask you something, and you can say no, but I'm going to throw it out there. Ummmmmm... See... I was wondering... Would you... OH, PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU TO FIGHT HOOKTAIL! PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU!

Mario: ….

Koops: Sorry about that. See... My dad... He went off to battle Hooktail long ago. ...But he never came back. I miss him, of course... I miss him badly. But this isn't just about avenging my dad. Well, no... That's not true. It’s all revenge. After my dad was eaten I was sent to the loony bin for my severe anger issues. My psychiatrist said I had to let out my feelings… THAT IS WHY  I MUST KILL HOOKTAIL!!!

Mario: Can you bring snacks?

Koops: Yeah.

Mario: Okay, you’re hired.

Koops: For real? No kidding? Yes! Thank you so much! You won't regret this!

Goombella: Mario, if I could have a word with you...

Goombella and Mario (See what I did there? I usually say Mario and Goombella. I mixed it up.) go behind a pipe. Goombella hits Mario with a salmon.

Goombella: What are you, nuts?! The guy’s a lunatic!

Mario: Yeah, but he said he’d bring snacks.

Goombella; Well, if he’s in, I’m out.

Mario: I heard him say you’re beautiful.

Goombella: I like him.

Mario: Welcome to the crew, Koops!

Mario and Co. use the stones to make a warp pipe to Hooktail’s castle open up. The floor is covered in Koopa bones.

Koops: This... This one l-looks like my father.

Mario: While you lament, I’m gonna move the plot along.

Koops: He’s holding a letter. I’ll read it Ahem...

Red Bones: I’m gonna kill you.

Mario: No, I’m gonna kill you.

Mario kills the Dry Bones.

Koops: "I came to this castle to destroy Hooktail, but I am stuck and can go no further. So, in this letter, I shall note Hooktail's-

Black Chest: Find a black key and get me out of here.

Koops: -weaknesses for those who follow. The dreaded Hooktail cannot tolerate creatures that begin with “cr” and end with “icket”. Hidden somewhere in-

Mario almost dies getting the key, but unlocks the Chest.

Black Chest: I lied! I’m an evil spirit who’s gonna give you a curse that will let you be skinny.

Mario: You’re new at this curse thing, aren’t you?

Koops: -this castle is an item related to Hooktail's weakness. If one is to-

Mario uses his curse to help him get a badge that makes him sound like a cricket.

Koops: -have any hope of defeating Hooktail, one must first find that item. One last-

Mario meets a mouse thief named Ms. Mowz who Goombella doesn’t like because she hits on Mario.

Koops: -thing: if faced with ultimate doom, the fiend will use any trick to save itself. If you hope to defeat it, do not give in to your kinder nature and fall for its tricks. Alas, I do not have the strength to continue writing... Already, mist veils my eyes... My last words go to my son, Lemmy Koopa(?!) : I love you, and I'm proud of who you've become(?!)"    Uuuuuuuhhhhh...

Bowser comes by and grabs the letter from Koops.

Bowser: It’s not polite to read other people’s mail.

Bowser breathes fire on Koops and walks away.

Mario: Come on, guys. Let’s move!

Hours later...

Goombella: We’re... *pant, pant, pant*, Mario.

Koops: That... *pant, pant, pant* ...wasn’t my dad.

Mario: Oh, too bad.

The trio walk through the door and see Hooktail.

Hooktail: Hmm... So... You are friends of the strange-garbed one who came earlier? I didn't expect more to come to steal the treasure I protect... Such rashness...

Mario: Oh my gosh... THAT DRAGON’S A GIRL!!!

Koops: Well... I guess that was pretty biased of us to just assume Hooktail was a boy.

Goombella; Yeah, but, whoever heard of a girl dragon?

Hooktail:  Um... Returning to my dramatic dialogue... That was foolish, I fear. Do you really think you can beat me?

Koops: Be aware! Your castle will burn to the ground! A thousand nations but the Koopa Kingdom descend upon you!

Koops starts walking towards Hooktail. Hooktail starts backing away.

Hooktail: This is blasphemy...

Koops: You threaten my people with slavery and death.

Hooktail: This is madness!


Koops kicks Hooktail out of one of the castle’s windows. Luckily, he barfs up a Crystal Star and Koops’s dad first.

Mario: Well... that’s... cool with me. I mean, I got a Crystal Star.

Koop’s Dad: Wait! I want to have a line!

Mario: No.

But what became of Princess Peach? Will Mario be able to find all the Crystal Stars? Why is Koops still crazy even though he got his dad back? And most importantly... Why did the Black Chest’s curse just make Mario lose weight? Find out in the next chapter of

which is a way better chapter than Chapter 1! It’s got the X-Nauts in it. The X- Nauts! What more proof do you need that it’s a good chapter? Bowser, Tec, the X-Nauts, and Magnus Von Grapple. C’mon, you already know it’s gonna be funnier than Chapter 1 was.

To Be Continued...

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