On a dark and gloomy evening in Dark Land, there were obnoxious shouts coming from the top of Vista Hill, where Bowser's Castle proudly stood. Bowser's 8 children were causing mischief in the castle, as usual. Parakarry flapped up to the top and landed gently on the summit of Vista Hill.
Parakarry: Oh, MAIL CALL!
Bowser opened the huge door to his large castle to find a small Paratroopa staring up at him.
Bowser: (Pathetic, it isn’t even one of my minions.) Give me that.
Parakarry: So, uh... I hear that Princess Peach is throwing uh... a party. You coming?
Bowser just snarled and steam rose from his nostrils.
Parakarry: No? Uh, well... I'm just trying to be a friendly neighbor, um... Did you hear that taxes are going to be lowered by Peach?
Bowser quickly got very angry. He grabbed the Paratroopa and threw him against the side of his castle.
Bowser: STOP TALKING ABOUT PEACH! It's as annoying as Fawful and Dimento together!
Parakarry: Owwwww...
Bowser: Inspiration just struck, you may be my most useful weapon!
Parakarry: W-weapon? Me?
Bowser: Quick, hand me the invitations to Peach's party!
Parakarry: It's against the law to tamper with the mail, Mister...
Bowser: Hand them over or I'll toast you alive!
Bowser took the invitations and rewrote them, careful to keep the princess' signature intact.
Dear fellow Mushroomers- and Mario Brothers,
I am having a party, and you are all invited. I, however, need assistance to make it to the conveniently-placed warp pipe, for I have...
Bowser pondered a minute, as Parakarry whimpered.
...warp-pipe-idis. Yes, I cannot get into warp pipes without being pushed in. It would be wonderful if you would all do so, and aid me in my quest to journey into a pipe of...
Bowser thought again. Why would Peach want to journey into a warp pipe near his castle?
…good riches for all my people. After I get in and search, you may all start the party. Please, do not aid me. And that means you, Mario. I must do this alone. If I do not return, do not worry. I was NOT kidnapped.
Signed, Princess Peach Toadstool
Bowser laughed at his cleverness, a roar of a laugh that echoed off into the distance, all the way to Toad Town.
All the way to Mario and Luigi's house.
Mario: Mamamia! Mailman!
Luigi: What?
Parakarry: Hey, guys... Uh... Mail here.
Mario: You okay? You-a look pretty bad.
Parakarry: Never been better... COUGH!
Luigi: Hey, an invitation to one of Peach's parties... Hm... She wants us to push her into a ceremonial warp pipe.
Parakarry: That's what I've heard...
Parakarry flew away, and the two Brothers headed toward a party located near the Valley of Bowser, next to Vista Hill where Bowser's Castle sat. However, nobody seemed to notice the location, and just headed to the party.
Mario and Luigi: We're here!
Peach: Thank you for coming, everyone. I will go get the snacks.
While Princess Peach went to the snack table and prepared the snacks, everyone started planning on how to push her into the warp pipe without being rude. Eventually, Princess Peach started to walk by a warp pipe, holding the snacks on a plate.
Toad: NOW!
Everyone rushed toward her and she fell into the pipe, which disappeared.
Mario: Thank goodness she left the snacks!
_______________
Meanwhile at Bowser's Castle...
Larry: What are you doing now, King Dad?
Bowser: I cracked another idea... Princess Peach should be dropping in soon, and I still have one invitation that Parakarry never delivered. I plan to use the signature as a deed to my ownership of the Mushroom Kingdom...
Larry: Sneaky, I like it! But how?
Bowser: Simple, I just write a perfectly legal paper with no loopholes that leads to me owning her kingdom, then slip on the signature. Legal systems are flawless for me!
Larry: I love lawyers, they're so sneaky.
Bowser: Exactly.
Bowser wrote a legal paper, put the signature on it, and sent it to the Mushroom Kingdom's main Office. An elderly Toad read off the paper, which was all about Peach turning the kingdom over to Bowser. The Toad found it suspicious, but then saw Peach's signature and shrugged. He put the deed in effect.
_____________
Mario: That was some party, the lasagna was perfect!
Luigi: So was the steamed Cheep Cheep!
Mario: And the Blooper sushi; seafood rocks!
Mario and Luigi headed to their homes and turned on their televisions. The only TV shows on for some reason were Ludwig's Science Experiments, Roy's Boxing Arena, Iggy's Antique Expo, Lemmy's Circus, Wendy's Fashion Channel, and the worst one, Morton's Sesame Street, where Morton made 100 synonyms for a word each day for young Koopas.
Luigi: These television shows reek!
Mario: I've never heard of any of these channels, Luigi.
The only really funny show they could find was a show where Kamek was repeatedly squished by Baby Bowser. The two Brothers decided to go outside and pick some Mushrooms and Fire Flowers, only to find Shady Koopas taking them all and throwing them in a van that said "Illegal Appearance-Altering Drugs".
Mario: Excuse me, but why are you taking all the power-ups away?
Shady Koopa: These are illegal, dimwits! Some dimwits used to run around using fungus to make them irregularly grow and kill random Koopas and Goombas. That's why these must go.
Mario: But... They were helpful, not harmful!
Shady Koopa: That's what YOU say.
_______________________
Meanwhile at Bowser's Castle, Bowser was plotting more ways to bend the rules of the kingdom so the Brothers couldn't save Peach.
Bowser: Hurting them with terrible television and taking away their powers isn't enough, I also have to set LIMITS! HELPFUL LIMITS!
And so Bowser made a law where Toads had to be slaves to the Koopas.
______________________
Mario: Gee, the kingdom sure is empty these days. Want to go walk around, Luigi?
Luigi: Sure.
And so the two Brothers went outside, where there wasn't a single Toad in sight. They walked aimlessly into a fortress, where Toads could be seen serving Koopa Troopas drinks and being their footstools, even doing the dishes, cooking food, and fanning them off.
Mario: EEEEE-
Luigi: SHH! You don't want them to hear us!
Mario: Right... Let's pretend we never saw anything...
The Mario Bros. stepped out of the fortress, but backed into a Magikoopa.
Magikoopa: Watch it! Don't make me turn you into a brick for two years!
Luigi: You have no right to do that!
Magikoopa: Yes, we do. Bowser made us cops.
Mario: Oh, not in PEACH'S kingdom he didn't!
Magikoopa: Peach is long gone, Bowser is the ruler.
Luigi: Yeah right! Peach would never let that happen! There's no legal way Bowser could do any of this!
Magikoopa: Says you, BRICK!
The Magikoopa turned Luigi into a brick and walked away.
Mario: LUIGI! Oh, mamamia. What do I-a do?
Mario brought the brick up to a random Magikoopa patrolling the streets.
Mario: Help me, please! My brother is a brick!
Magikoopa: No, either you have serious issues or your brother was sentenced to Brickery for two years for committing a Koopa-crime.
Mario: Brickery? Koopa-crime? You mean Bowser DID takeover the kingdom?
Magikoopa: No, that's KING Bowser to you, and he did.
Mario gulped and backed away, knowing that this was a major problem. He retreated into his house and picked up his phone to call Yoshi, or Wario, or really anyone who would listen. A voice came up before he could dial a number.
Pidgit: Hello, you've called our Koopa hotline. Got a query, or do you want me to get King Bowser to fry you?
Mario: *gulp* Can I speak to someone else?
Mouser: You called?
Mario: Anyone else there that can help me?
Phanto: Guardian of the keys here, may I help you?
Mario started trembling, it seemed that nothing was safe anymore.
Mario: Y-yeah, my brother is a brick, and all the power-ups were taken away, and... And all the Toads are slaves!
Phanto: I'm sorry to hear about your -keys- brother, but it's actually good that -keys- power-ups are gone and Toads are slaves. This way the Mario Brothers are stopped for -keys- good!
Mario: Are you even okay?
Phanto: No, some fat plumber dude came into my cave and stole my precious key a long time ago- Got keys?
Mario: Please help me! I want the kingdom back!
Phanto: Listen, I miss my key. Bring me a key, any key, and I'll see what I can do.
Mario realized there was hope after all, someone else could help him! He reached for his house key, and held it.
Phanto: Just bring the key to Sub-con's nearest cave, and I'll try to help you.
Sub-con, Mario thought. How could he get there without being caught by a Koopa Troopa as a slave or being "Bricked" by a Magikoopa? Mario left his house and wandered carefully up a hill. Higher and higher he climbed, carrying a brick and a house key. Eventually he made it to a red potion bottle, which he spilled to open a door.
Mario: Hello? Mister Phanto thing? Where are you?
Mario wandered into a cave to greet a floating, mask-like creature.
Phanto: Oh goodness, you're the fat plumber guy! With the mustache and everything!
Mario: Why I've never been-a so insulted in my life, I'm an average Toad.
Phanto: Oh. Sorry, my eyesight isn't that good.
Mario: What eyes?
Phanto: EYE-HOLES! HOLES! I have eyeholes! Sheesh. You have the key?
Mario: You have the legal papers?
Phanto: What legal papers?
Mario: The ones to turn the kingdom back over to Peach?
The Phanto didn't answer.
Mario: You said you'd help me?
Phanto: I meant like advice, like... Go north at five paces, or... Or I'll read you my fortune cookie or something.
Mario: What? *sigh* Here's the key anyway.
Phanto: YAY! I've wanted one of these things for years!
Mario: So you CAN'T help me?
Phanto: Not unless your lucky numbers are 5, 12, 93, 2, and 6, no.
Mario retreated out the door sadly.
Phanto: And your daughter will grow to be very healthy!
Mario: What?
Phanto: The fortune cookie.
Mario: UGH.
________________
Meanwhile at Bowser's Castle, Bowser was preparing to make even bigger changes to Mushroom laws.
Bowser: Morton! I need someone to be a president, and you're good at speeches!
Morton: So I get to help? I am thankful, happy, glad, grateful, astonished...
Bowser: I get the idea, go along. Larry!
Larry: Yes, King Dad?
Bowser: You get to be my spy. Tell me if you see Mario or Luigi anywhere, and bring them to me so I can finish them!
Larry: Yes, I'm good at sneaking.
Bowser: Then go. From this point on, plumbers are against the law. ____________________
Back on the other side of the story, Mario was trying to get in his house.
Mario: UGH! Why did I lock it before-a I left?
Luigi: …
Mario: Oh, I almost forgot about my-a brick!
Larry (behind a random bush): YES! I see Mario over there!
Phanto: Me too.
Larry: Who are you? Shoo!
Phanto: No, I'm here to help Mario, he gave me a key.
Larry: What? That's why he can't get in his house? Thanks a lot, now I can get to him easier!
Phanto: Wait, you're a bad guy? I can't let you hurt him! I have a key!
Larry: Oh, I'm soooo scared of your little key...
Larry swiped the key from the Phanto and ran toward Mario.
Phanto: HEY!
Larry: Hey Mario, looking for this? FETCH!
Larry was about to throw the key, which was now on fire, at Mario, when the Phanto attacked Larry.
Larry: AGH!
Mario: Larry Koopa? Oh-a no!
Phanto: Got more keys for me?
Mario: No, go-a home!
Mario ran to Peach's castle in hopes of finding a hint about what happened, but it turned out to be the Koopalings' castle...
Morton: ...And so the people of our kingdom shall not have rights like the rest of us, I vow, swear, guarantee, you all this! People of the Koopa species shall rule, so give your president a round of applause, ovation, hand-clap, applause- OWCH!
Mario had knocked Morton down during his speech, and the other 5 Koopalings below gasped.
Mario: Return the kingdom! Or I shall throw this brick! I mean it!
Luigi: …!
Mario: What?
The brick crumbled and Luigi appeared, tumbling down the staircase. He knocked the Koopalings down like bowling pins.
Luigi: You tried to throw me!
Mario: How did you...?
Luigi: We've been busting bricks all of our lives, what makes you think I can't bust OUT of a brick?
Mario: Right. Let's get over to Bowser's Castle without the Koopalings in charge!
Luigi: Fine.
The Brothers ventured across the kingdom without worrying about Magikoopas, since Luigi had defeated the Koopalings before they could dispatch them for the day.
Mario: This is it.
Luigi: Yep.
Phanto: Yeah-hah.
Mario: Will you-a go?
Phanto: I still can help, you know. I have a key.
Mario: Well you can take that key over to that pipe right there and-
Luigi: Don't get angry with the thing, Mario. You don't know what it-
Phanto: Okay, thanks for the tip.
The Phanto drifted over to the pipe, and the Mario Brothers entered the castle. It was surprisingly empty due to all the Koopas being out torturing Toads.
Bowser: ARGH, no! How did you make it here?
Luigi: A loophole.
Bowser: KAMEK! COME FORTH AND BRICK THEM!
Kamek came over and turned Luigi into a brick.
Mario: That was foolish, you do know that the brick is your weakness.
Mario threw the brick a few feet from Bowser.
Bowser: Ha, you missed!
Mario: No, I-a didn't.
The brick busted open, and Luigi rolled out and rammed Bowser surprisingly hard.
Bowser: OW! Kamek, I'm as flat as a pancake!
Kamek: I can help, King Bowser!
Kamek sprinkled magic... stuff... on Bowser, and for the third time in his life, he grew giant.
Bowser: The brick was YOUR WEAKNESS!
Mario: Stupid brick.
Luigi: I'm right here, you know.
Bowser was just about to squash the Mario Brothers below his gigantic foot, and they closed their eyes. They soon opened them when nothing happened, and saw a giant Phanto towering high in the sky and beating up the giant Bowser.
Mario and Luigi: H-how?
Kamek: Yes, how?!
All of the citizens of the Mushroom Kingdom also stared up in confusion, as Bowser came tumbling down to the ground and shrank back to normal size after the Phanto threw a giant, flaming key at him.
Mario: You up there, how-a did you...?
Phanto: The pipe you told me to go into had a bunch of Kamek's magic stuff in it.
Mario: I was being sarcastic though...
Luigi: Your sarcasm has saved us.
Mario: Quiet, brick. So, how can we make it up to you?
Phanto: More keys. A lot more keys.
The Phanto grabbed one of the legal contracts that Bowser, out cold, was clutching.
Phanto: And if you don't have any more keys for me, I will resume Bowser's laws, taking his place.
Luigi: How did you turn from the good guy to the bad guy?
Phanto: You asked if you could repay me.
Luigi: Stupid brick.
Mario: Quiet, Luigi!
Phanto: Guys, stop "brickering"! Ahahaha... Okay, that was a bad pun.
Luigi: He's right, the only way we can get out of this is to work TOGETHER!
Mario: ... Right. But we don't-a have any more keys. I think I have a Mario Kart key in my house. Can I use that key real quick to open my house, bud?
Phanto: !!!
Luigi: What?
Phanto: Give... Me... My... Key!
Mario: I need it to open-a my house!
Phanto: Give... It... To... Me... Unless you want to suffer... A painful... Death.
Luigi: EEEEE! Give it to him!
Mario: NO!
Mario sprinted at his top speed, while the Phanto gave chase. Luigi still stayed put, watching in terror. Bowser awoke behind him.
Bowser: It was YOU!
Luigi: What?
Bowser: You and your little brother showed the Phanto where Kamek's stash was, so you could AMBUSH ME!
Luigi: Nonononono, it was Mario!
Bowser: Likely story, punk! KAMEK!
Luigi: AGH! I'm-a getting out of here!
Luigi joined Mario, as the Phanto and Bowser chased them both. They ran down to the Mushroom Kingdom and trampled over a ton of Koopas that had Toads on leashes. The leashes all broke, and the Toads ran away in glee. After running side-by-side for awhile, Bowser and the Phanto broke out in a fight and the Mario Bros. got away.
Mario: That-a was close! We need to hide somewhere!
Luigi: That warp pipe looks good.
Mario: Great idea!
The Mario Bros. jumped into a pipe, and fell on something that gave a squeal.
Luigi: Who’s this?
Peach: Luigi? Mario? I've been stuck down here for two days! Why didn't you rescue me?!
Mario: Sorry. We were... caught up.
Luigi: How is your warp-pipe-idis doing?
Mario: Did you find the treasure?
Peach: What? Uh... Whatever, just get me out of here!
The three jumped out of the pipe. Bowser's head was pushed into the mud like an ostrich and the Phanto lay idle, looking for a key on the ground.
Peach: That solves that, what happened?
Mario: It started when me and Luigi got the mail...
The Brothers explained the whole ordeal to the princess. She stormed to her castle and put the sleeping Koopalings in a package, which she mailed to Dark Land. She also destroyed all of the legal documents Bowser made, and resumed duties as princess after a few days.
Luigi: It's good to have you back, Princess Peach.
Mario: Quiet, brick!
THE END
Mario: But wait, what about the Phanto thing?
____________
Phanto: Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeys...
Bowser: No, that' The key to my throne room!
Phanto: Another... Key!
Bowser: That one is to my dungeon!
Phanto: Golly gee, ANOTHER!
Bowser: THAT ONE IS TO MY DOOR!
The Phanto drifted out of the castle with all of Bowser's keys, and he and all of his kids were locked out of the rest of the castle.
Mario: Such a happy ending!
THE REAL END
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