Chapter 1-13: Surly Temple
The Metal Goonie docks at a shore on an island. Nearby is a forest with a pyramid in the center.
Vivian: The Significant Temple.
Petey: How can you tell?
Vivian points to a giant billboard just outside the forest.
Sign: “WELCOME TO SOUTHEAST FOREST! MAIN ATTRACTION – THE SIGNIFICANT TEMPLE (giant pyramid)!”
Petey: … Anyone could’ve written that, you know…
Luigi: Well as much fun as this arguing is, it’s time to enter. It’ll be very dangerous, like I said, and Vivian’s dead set on going, so-
Elvin: We already went over this! I’m going with you guys!
Luigi: Okay.
Elvin: I just hope there’s an open bar inside that serves tea.
Luigi: The temple is at least 2,000 years old.
Elvin: So that’s a maybe.
Luigi: … Okay. Everyone else, stay here. If we haven’t come back in two hours, come for us. But if you get lost in the temple, stay together, we have no idea what’s there.
Elvin: Let’s just get that **** badge and get out already!
Vivian: He’s right. We’re wasting time.
Luigi: Sheesh! Fine!
Bombette: Bring me back a souvenir!
Merlon: Me too!
Luigi: We’ll see.
Luigi, Vivian, and Elvin make their way in front of the temple.
Vivian: Oh man, I can feel their power!
Elvin: Did they have the power to make some **** tea?
Vivian: No, they preferred milk.
Elvin: … ******…
Luigi: Tone it down, old man. We’ve got a whole rest of the story ahead of us.
Vivian: Wait, someone’s at the entrance!
Everyone goes up the stairs and right outside the entrance. It’s the ninth Bogmire Shadow!
Bogmire Shadow: Millennium… Badge…
He fades away.
Elvin: … What the **** was that?
Luigi: Long story.
Elvin: Of course! If anyone needs me I’ll be in the angry dome! Er, angry temple!
Elvin goes off to rant inside the temple.
Elvin’s voice: Is that a Yoshi?
Luigi and Vivian follow. It’s Croco. And he’s wounded.
Vivian: Croco?
Croco: Oh… You guys… Dimentio doesn’t want the Golden Land, he wants-
Luigi: The Millennium Badge?
Croco: No, a bucket of gravy! Of course the Millennium Badge!
Luigi: No need to yell like that.
Vivian: Croco, do you even know what the Golden Land is?
Croco: A land made of gold?
Vivian: … I guess that’d be the literal meaning, but it’s actually not what you’d think it is… But I can’t explain it…
Elvin: … WHAT?! WE’VE BEEN CHASING A ******* CLOWN ALL OVER THE FREAKIN’ PLANET TO STOP HIM FROM SOMETHING WE DON’T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT?!
Luigi: No, I’m sure it’s more complicated than that, right?
Vivian: Like I said, I never studied my people. That was one of the things I already knew.
Luigi: You know, that’s the kind of thing you should be telling us BEFORE we do all this!
Vivian: It never came up…
Luigi: …
Vivian: Koopa was doomed from the start.
Luigi: … Then why are we opposing them?!
Vivian: Look, I don’t make the rules, okay?!
Luigi: Well your ancestors did! Isn’t there some kind of family secret we can look up here?
Vivian: I don’t know!
Luigi: OKAY!
Elvin: ****, this plot is confusing!
Croco: … Anyway, here’s the Significant Stone, go kill Dimentio for me while I leave now.
Luigi: Are you dieing?
Croco: No.
Croco places the stone on the altar, then walks out of the temple.
Luigi: Do you think we’ll see him again?
Vivian: I don’t think he’ll be a problem now…
Elvin: Can we just do this already?! How many times do I have to ask?! You know if we just drank some of my Energy Tea, we’d-
Luigi: NO TEA!
Elvin: …
Luigi: So the stone is on the altar, how do we-
The three then sink through the floor and land in a maze.
Luigi: Ow…
Elvin: I’m gettin’ too old for this!
Oaklie: What are you guys doing in my house?
Luigi: … Vivian, what’s that?
Vivian: I guess you could say he’s a spirit of the temple.
Oaklie: Actually-
Vivian: They protect this temple.
Oaklie: Actually I’m a squatter, you see-
Vivian: They’re kind of like guides who belong to-
Oaklie: I’M NOT A TEMPLE SPIRIT!
Everyone: 0_0
Oaklie: Now that I have your attention… I’m just a hobo that wandered in here.
Vivian: Oh… My mistake…
Oaklie: But I think I know why you’re here. That badge, right? I heard about it. I know where it is but we have to split the profits.
Vivian: We’re not selling it.
Oaklie: Why not?
Vivian: It’s the ultimate in destruction! Second only to the Void!
Elvin: Where is that in this story, anyway?
Luigi: Who cares?
Oaklie: May I at least have some money?
Luigi slips him a twenty.
Oaklie: Follow me!
The party follows Oaklie and they pass a puddle. Vivian stops.
Vivian: Guys wait!
Elvin: How much more is this chapter going to center on you?!
Vivian: It’s important!
Elvin: Of course it is!
Oaklie: Whatever, I get paid by the hour.
Luigi: I never agreed to that!
Regardless, everyone follows Vivian back to the puddle. She sees something.
Vivian: This pool… is full of Significant knowledge…
Elvin: Does that make it a think tank?
Luigi: Good one.
Vivian: Guys, stop making fun of my heritage! I’m serious! No, wait… It’s actually a soul-
Elvin: FOR THE LOVE OF ****, WHAT KINDA TEMPLE IS THIS?! WHAT KIND OF FREAKS WERE YOUR PEOPLE ANYWAY?! WHO CARES?! IF THIS IS IMPORTANT JUST TELL US WHAT YOU SEE IN THE DANG PUDDLE! IF NOT, LET’S JUST GET THE ******** BADGE ALREADY!!!
Elvin faints.
Luigi: … He just needs some tea.
Luigi pulls a cup of tea and a saucer out of Elvin’s pocket, the tea having somehow managed not to spill over. The smell gets to Elvin’s nose and he wakes up to drink it.
Elvin: Much better. Proceed.
Puddle: WATCH OUT, VIVIAN. THERE’S AN EVIL GUY HERE. LET ME SHOW YOU.
PUDDLE-VISION (3.0)!
Mimi: So are these hieroglyphs going to help us or not?
Croco: I dunno.
Mimi: Then what are we doing here?!
Croco: It SEEMED important! But I think we did make some progress, so go report to President Koopa Junior. Meanwhile, I’m gonna look for that badge.
Mimi leaves and Dimentio uses his signature entrance/exit.
Croco: Dimentio!
Dimentio: I see you there… watching me… Vivian.
Vivian voiceover: How does he know?! This is a flashback!
Puddle voiceover: Don’t look at me! I didn’t make the rules!
Elvin voiceover: FOR THE LOVE OF DAD!
Croco: What do you know about this place?
Dimentio: It’s the power necessary for me to rule all of Plit! (to Vivian) And you! Guess what! Like two numbers in an addition problem, I will fuse with Plit!
Vivian voiceover: Like when the Power Rangers unite their robots?
Dimentio: … Anyway… I must end your game, foolish reptile. Then you will become part of Plit and join with me!
Croco: I’m not ready for that kind of commitment!
Dimentio: Like a week-old due research paper, too late!
Dimentio hits Croco with a starburst, KO’ing him.
END PUDDLE-VISION (3.0)!
Vivian: GUYS! We have to stop Dimentio from getting that badge!
Luigi: I thought we were going to already.
Vivian: But it’s more serious than I thought!
Luigi: Okay then.
Oaklie: We’re almost there.
Oaklie leads them to a cave room with one special door and another door that leads to the exit.
Oaklie: It’s in there. I’ll wait outside the temple.
Oaklie leaves.
Luigi: What a strange little man.
Elvin: I’ve seen stranger.
They enter the important room. It’s the one seen in the puddle.
Vivian: We’re here.
Elvin: Finally.
Luigi: … He’s here… in this room!
Vivian/Elvin: !
Dimentio appears.
Elvin: So he’s still alive…
Dimentio: Like a new AA Battery, this building has all the power I need! This is all going to work for my plan…
Elvin: When most kids said they wanted to be a doctor or lawyer, little Dimentio said he wanted to be one with Plit.
Dimentio: … Infidel… Mom will be so pleased…
Luigi: Dimentio-
Dimentio: It’s almost time…
Vivian: How exactly are you going to do this?
Dimentio: When something bad happens to Plit, like the North Pole Hole or greenhouse gases, ZA WARUDO* gathers like reporters at a celebrity slip-up.
(*Cue echo and effects.)
Luigi: And?
Dimentio: Once I absorb the energy like a Shamwow absorbs moisture, it will give me power!
Elvin: You’ll have to do somethin’ pretty major to Plit in order for that to work.
Dimentio: Exactly…
Elvin: I don’t like the sound of this.
Dimentio: I do! I will in fact DESTROY Plit, thus insuring my power!
Vivian: If there’s no world left then what power would there be?!
Dimentio: You don’t get it!
Vivian: I guess I don’t… How would you even do that?
Dimentio: Millennium. Look over at that wall!
Everyone looks. It says “EL BARTO” on the wall.
Dimentio: …
Dimentio cleans the graffiti.
Dimentio: Now look!
It shows a picture of a silver-purple star shape about to crash into a blue and green ball.
Luigi: … A star is going to crash into us? And we’ll have only three days to stop it?
Dimentio: The first part is right… The Millennium Badge is a summon badge… But unlike other summons, this one has an actual effect on more than just the person you use it on! You’ll all die for me!
Luigi: Not on my watch!
Luigi throws a green fireball at Dimentio but he warps away. Luigi starts freaking out and having a seizure.
Vivian: Luigi, what’s wrong?!
Elvin: I told him he needs more tea!
Luigi: Millennium! Go!
Elvin: … He must be on some serious ******!
Vivian: Elvin!
Luigi: Woah… What happened?
Vivian: I don’t know.
Elvin: So what the **** is that star, anyway?
Luigi: Well from the color, shape, and name… I’d say he’s going to smash Plit with the Millennium Star.
There’s rumbling.
Elvin: Now what?!
A giant dragon breaks in.
Dragon: Bahamutt Senior!
Luigi: It’s a Pokemon!
Bahamutt Sr.: No.
Luigi captures it with a Pokeball.
Bahamutt Sr. (in the ball): That shouldn’t have worked! I’m not a Pokemon! I’m an actual, factual dragon!
Luigi: Sure you are… Now what?
Vivian: The altar maybe?
Everyone goes to the altar to find a miniature holograph of the temple.
Vivian: “… M…I…L…L…E…N…I…U…M…”
Elvin: That ****? That’s not a badge!
Luigi: Hmmm…
Luigi punches it. The whole building shakes as if it were punched by a giant.
Elvin: … DON’T DO THAT!
Luigi: I was worried it’d be that kind of holograph.
Vivian: …
Luigi: Vivian? You in a trance?
Vivian: …
Elvin: Are you?
Vivian: … They told me everything! To keep people from using the Millennium Badge they morphed it into this whole temple!
Luigi/Elvin: 0_0
Vivian: If you agree to beat the challenge of the holograph, the temple will transform into the badge if you win and it’ll be free for the taking!
Elvin: But… wouldn’t the winner be inside when it transforms?
Vivian: Exactly.
Luigi: I’ll admit, those People Things of Significance were no fools. But how do we get it before Dimentio finds someone he’s willing to sacrifice?
Luigi’s earphone rings.
Luigi: Yellow?
P.T.’s voice: Can we order pizza?
Luigi: … How’d you get this number?
P.T.’s voice: Uhhhhh… Hey can I help?
Luigi: No, you’re the most useless member of the party, you could die- … … You know what? On second thought, yes. Yes you can.
P.T.’s voice: Ha! We’ll see who’s useless now!
Luigi: Okay, go wait by the back exit, we’ll meet you there. Okay, bye.
Luigi hangs up somehow.
Luigi: I found our sacrifice!
Elvin: Sounds good to me.
Vivian: If he’s willing…
They head to the back exit and try to open the door… but it becomes demon-possessed!
Luigi: It’s Death’s Door!
Elvin: How do we beat that ******** ugly thing?! Wait…
Elvin approaches.
Elvin: If you stop attacking you can have tea-
Death’s Door uses a magic attack on Elvin.
Elvin: Ow…
Vivian: I think it’s time for my strongest attack… NIMBI RUSH!
Vivian summons many burning Nimbis that crash into Death’s Door, then they spread the beast’s HP over to the party, healing them. The door reverts to normal.
Luigi: Well.
Elvin: I’ll be a monkey’s *****.
Luigi: …
P.T. breaks in.
P.T.: Okay, I’ll take it from here. Bye, guys.
Elvin: You do know you probably won’t make it out, right?
P.T.: Why?
Luigi: Elvin, he’s an idiot, maybe it’s just better he doesn’t know.
Vivian: … Luigi, at least say something!
Luigi: What do I say? He’s an annoying guy who betrayed us!
Vivian: He is willing to sacrifice himself to get the badge for us.
Luigi: Well… I got nothing.
Vivian goes over to P.T.
Vivian: Read my fortune one last time?
P.T.: Huh? Okay… About what?
Vivian: Tell me if Luigi and I are a good couple?
P.T.: Okay, don’t see why not…
P.T. pulls out his snowglobe and shakes it.
P.T.: (WOAH! I can’t tell her that…) Congratulations, you’re perfect for each other.
Vivian: Really?
P.T.: Sure, why not?
P.T. throws the snowglobe behind him and it breaks.
P.T.: Okay, see you guys later.
Vivian: We won’t forget you.
Elvin: That’s for sure… Weird little *****…
The three leave the temple as P.T. enters the room.
P.T.: Okay… (…! Wait a minute… If I help these guys… I’m gonna die!) … If I help these guys, I’m gonna die! … Oh well, I’ve died twice already, third time can’t be so bad… I hope.
P.T. goes over to the holograph.
Voice: ARE YOU READY FOR THE CHALLENGE?
P.T.: What do I do?
Voice: SOLVE THIS RUBIK’S CUBE!
P.T.: No.
Voice: GOOD ENOUGH!
Suddenly outside, the whole temple shrinks and vanishes. The three are outside.
Elvin: … He actually did it. Say, where’s Oaklie?
Luigi: Who cares?
Luigi, Vivian, and Elvin go over to the remains of the Significant Temple. There’s a big crater and in the center is a small, silver-purple badge shaped like a star. Luigi and Vivian go down to get it.
Elvin: I guess I’ll stand guard.
Luigi picks up the badge.
Luigi: I-a got it!
Vivian: Now we’re safe!
Luigi: Yeah, I’d like to see Dimentio pry THIS baby out of my cold, dead hands!
Vivian: We need to be in the Golden Land for this thing to work, and since Dimentio isn’t a Person Thing of Significance, he can’t find it.
???: I did.
Luigi: Well that’s not good.
Dimentio uses his signature entrance.
Luigi: Not you again! Hold still so I can kill you! Besides, you’re not even a Person Thing of Significance after all!
Dimentio: It doesn’t matter!
Elvin approaches Dimentio slowly with his spear.
Elvin: Don’t do anything you’ll regret, clown-boy. Just back off and I’ll serve you some tea.
Dimentio: … Like an Average Joe faced with a faulty investment, I don’t care for your tea offering.
Elvin: DRINK SOME ********* TEA!
Dimentio traps Elvin in a box, but doesn’t do anything more to him.
Elvin: Let me the **** out!
Dimentio: I traveled along the River Twygx like a determined fish and became greater than any Significant. I can use the Millennium Badge!
Vivian: My foot!
Luigi: You don’t-
Vivian: Not the time!
Dimentio lowers into the pit and Luigi starts freaking out while his spirit remains stiff.
Luigi: What’s going on?!
Dimentio: Now like an obedient dog, hand over my badge.
Luigi’s body does it willingly.
Luigi’s Spirit: ME!
Vivian/Elvin: LUIGI!
Dimentio: Thank you. Ciao!
Dimentio warps away and the box around Elvin fades. Luigi’s soul and body rejoin.
Elvin: LUIGI, WHAT THE **** WERE YOU THINKING?!
Luigi: … Did… I just… doom everybody…?
Vivian: It wasn’t your-
Luigi: NOOOOOOOO!!!
Luigi knocks Vivian out with his hammer.
Elvin: You need to calm down!
Elvin leaps down and hits Luigi with the side of his spear, knocking him out. P.T. walks up to the scene.
P.T.: Hey, what’d I miss?
Elvin: …? How are you alive?!
P.T.: Oh, when the temple was shrinking, a Chargin’ Chuck saw this football in my pocket and tackled me through the wall. I only just now made it back here.
Elvin: … Well come on, we gotta take care of these two.
P.T.: Curse my laziness!
Chapter 1-14: Finding Vivian
There is a forest.
Luigi voiceover: Ugh… Where is this?
Vivian appears.
Vivian: You’re having a dream.
Luigi voiceover: Dream?
Vivian: After you knocked me out, Elvin knocked you out with his spear.
Luigi voiceover: Oh yeah… Sorry about that.
Vivian: You were freaking out because you gave Dimentio the Millennium Badge and didn’t know why. I might’ve done the same to you.
Luigi voiceover: Odd as that may be, it’s kind of a relief…
Vivian: So you don’t need to worry anymore. I’ll go take care of Dimentio.
Luigi voiceover: All by yourself?
Vivian: Yes. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.
Luigi voiceover: For reals?
Vivian: Yeah. Wait, did you just say “for reals”?
Luigi voiceover: Whatever! But since I AM your bodyguard and all, I think-
Vivian: No really, I’ve got it covered!
Luigi appears himself.
Luigi: Woah… Where are we?
Vivian: Boggly Woods. The path up ahead leads to the Significant Citadel.
Luigi: I see… But Vivian-
Vivian: Now… Only a Person Thing of Significance can do what I need to do, so I’m going to the Citadel. Don’t worry, Luigi. Everything will be all right.
Vivian leaves. Suddenly a bunch of X-Nauts run by.
X-Naut 1: Come on, guys, the mountain made of cheese is this way!
X-Naut 2/X-Naut 3: Hooray!
Luigi: … That was weird… Wait! Vivian!
Dimentio warps in.
Dimentio: Ahahaha! We have to do something about this.
Luigi: We?
Luigi wakes up. He’s at the inn in Gloam Valley!
Luigi: WAH! What happened?!
Wario: You remember the Significant Temple disappearing?
Luigi: Yeah, it turned into the Millennium Badge and I gave it to Dimentio…
Daisy: Then you went berserk and knocked out Vivian, so Elvin had to knock you out. Then it turned out that P.T. survived the sacrifice he made. Something about a football or something. But then he and Elvin had to take you and Vivian back to the Metal Goonie. She woke up, told us all to stay here, and then left.
Luigi: So she’s really gone?
Wario: Yep.
Luigi: … WOAH! Guys, we have to go to Boggly Woods, and I mean NOW!
Wario: How do we get there?! We don’t know where it is!
Luigi: Hmm, usually at a time like this… Aha!
Luigi pulls out the map from before.
Luigi: Yes, she marked it! It’s on the northern continent!
Wario: To the Metal Goonie!
Luigi, Wario, and Daisy try to leave the inn, but-
Innkeeper Ballyhoo: And where do you think you’re going without paying?
Luigi: Oh… I don’t have money… Do you guys?
Wario/Daisy: Nope.
Big Top: (in deep voice) It’s hurting time.
Luigi/Wario/Daisy: *gulp*
Later, the three leave the inn.
Bombette: What took you guys so long? And why are you all beaten up?
Luigi: Long story, but right now we have to go to Boggly Woods on the Northern Continent.
P.T.: Why?
Luigi: To find Vivian.
Bombette: Why?
Luigi: Because that’s where she went after deciding to go off by herself.
Petey: Why?
Luigi: To stop Dimentio.
Elvin: Why?
Luigi: Because of the fact that I royally doomed the world.
Merlon: Why?
Luigi: I DON’T KNOW!
Merlon: Oh yeah, shout whenever it’s MY turn to ask…
Everyone boards the Metal Goonie and it heads north to Boggly Base Camp.
Kolorado: Hey, we-
Luigi: No time, we have to get north!
Kolorado: I hardly doubt there’s anything up there, but if you want-
Luigi: Petey!
Petey: No, I don’t want to!
Luigi: Petey, the world may very well depend on it!
Petey: … Dang it!
Petey lets everyone get on him as he flies over part of the forest.
Petey: I don’t get paid enough for this! ACK!
Petey crashes in the area from Luigi’s dream.
Bombette: Ow…
Merlon: My mustache…
Elvin: My glasses!
P.T.: My the-fact-that-I-was-okay-a-minute-ago!
Luigi: My goodness! Can’t you people go without complaining for three minutes?!
Merlon: Luigi, calm down. I’m sure Vivian is fine.
Luigi: No, Dimentio was in my dream and he said that he had to do something, so I’m not taking chances! Now come on, the Significant Citadel should be straight ahead.
Everyone continues north. But they find themselves in a big city.
Luigi: … Where is this?!
Petey: I think we’re in the jungle.
Luigi: Thanks a lot, Axl. C’mon guys, we probably should’ve gone the other direction at that sign.
Soon they make it to a city with seashell houses. Except for that one house that looks like Jack Black, but that’s another story for another day.
Wario: Nice of Vivian to take care of Dimentio for us, eh Luigi?
Luigi: I hope she made lotsa spaghetti!
Daisy: Excuse me?! What happened to the sense of urgency?!
Luigi: Sorry, I’m just nervous is all... When I get nervous, I start thinking about spaghetti… Mmmm…
Everyone Else: …
Daisy: Anyway, would you look at this place? It’s kind of impressive.
P.T.: Hey!
P.T. pockets some flower petals on the ground.
P.T.: These are going straight to eBay!
Luigi: Petals… Those look a lot like the kind from the flowers Vivian had in her strange sack… She’s been here. All right, what do we do now, though?
Daisy: I say we rest up, it was a long trip and most of us haven’t slept since the Golden Wonderworld.
Petey: I’ll drink to that.
Luigi: Fine, let’s go… But not for long…
Luigi and the others head to all the houses on the right and enter an empty one. There’s no door or anything, but there are beds.
Merlon: Are you sure we should sleep here?
Elvin: These beds look pretty freakin’ old…
Luigi: Whatever, we’ll just take a quick nap and get back to it.
Wario: Luigi, calm down!
Petey: Yeah, I’m sure she’ll be okay! Vivian’s not a wimp!
Luigi: I know, but I’m scared that I might-
P.T.: For goodness sake, stop whining about Dimentio! We’ll take a nap, we’ll find Vivian, we’ll kill Dimentio, and then we can all enjoy the credits music and wonder why there are two discs left and all live happily ever after!
Elvin: Seriously.
Luigi: Okay, fine…
They all rest in the house. In the middle of the night, Luigi wakes up.
Luigi: … They’re here. GUYS!
Everyone wakes up.
Bombette: Five more minutes…
Luigi: No, Vivian’s here! I know it! And so is Dimentio! … And so is Tom Cruise… No wait, he just left. Now he’s back. And now he’s gone. And now he’s back with-
Merlon: OKAY!
Daisy: Okay guys, everybody up! Let’s go!
They all get out of bed and go to look around the city.
Luigi: Wait… Guys, I can hear her voice coming from that central building!
Wario: I don’t hear it.
Luigi: Well she’s there!
Wario: How do we-
Luigi: Can we just go?!
Wario: Ugh, fine!
Luigi leads everyone into the central building. There’s a ghostly staircase that leads down.
Merlon: No time to waste, I suppose…
Luigi takes the first step and falls. Everyone else follows. They come to a big area that looks as if it’s underwater. The stairs lead to a castle-like structure with an altar.
Luigi: Ow… Was it wrong to assume those stairs were solid?
Wario: … Hey, look at this!
Wario presses a button. The stairs turn solid.
Luigi: …
Petey: Guys, the stairs solidified around my head. I’m stuck.
Wario presses the button again so Petey can move his head before pressing it again.
Elvin: This place is ****** weird…
Everyone works their way to the bottom. There are platforms leading to the altar.
Luigi: There she is. I’ll go alone from here since I’m the main character.
Luigi hops from platform to platform until he’s on the altar with Vivian.
Luigi: …!
Luigi pulls out his hammer and looks menacingly at Vivian. He’s about to…
Party: LUIGI! NO!
Luigi: Huh?! What happened…?
Vivian looks up to see Luigi, and smiles.
Luigi: Vivian! Look, I know you said you’re fine, but-
Suddenly Dimentio drops down with a giant sword!
Luigi/Party: 0_0
And he lands… in the water behind the altar. Everyone says something along the lines of either “phew” or “…”.
Luigi: Well that was a close one. A few feet closer to the altar and we would’ve had a serious problem!
Suddenly a box appears around Vivian.
Luigi/Vivian: !!!
And a bunch of explosions go on within the box! The box fades and Vivian’s white vortex badge flies off into the water. Vivian falls and Luigi catches her.
Luigi: Vivian? … Vivian? … VIVIAN?!
Petey: Did… he just…
Everyone else in the group nods.
Petey: … Oh… my…
The “camera” cuts back to Luigi and Vivian. The word “OWNED” flashes across the “screen” a few times before Dimentio warps back.
Dimentio: Ah, now like a typed final exam, my plan is closer to-
Luigi: No one cares! Don’t you see what you just did?!
Dimentio: Made a simile?
Luigi: No, before that…
Dimentio: Stole a sword from some dead guy.
Luigi: A little more recent than that.
Dimentio: Fell into water.
Luigi: After that…
Dimentio: … Swam back up?
Luigi: You blew her up! She’s dead now! Don’t you care?!
Dimentio: It doesn’t matter, she’ll be part of Plit and it will all help-
Luigi: NO ONE CARES!
Dimentio: Foolish Luigi. It was necessary for us.
Luigi: US?! I am not helping you!
Dimentio: Oh, but you have been! And you will keep doing so.
Luigi: I did not!
Dimentio: Millennium Badge.
Luigi: D’oh! Forgot about that…
Dimentio: Like I said, you will also keep helping me.
Luigi: And why is that?!
Dimentio: Well because…
Dimentio leaves, and leaves behind a purple blob, which forms into Shadow Queen SIGMA.
Luigi: Another one…
Luigi sets Vivian’s body down somewhere else on the altar. Wario and Daisy hop over to the altar.
Daisy: We’re helping.
Wario: I got these!
Wario pulls out three Smash Balls. The three use their newest Final Smashes. Wario flexes his arms into a W formation and savagely beats Shadow Queen SIGMA. Daisy binds SIGMA with many vines and then a big daisy grows and shoots thorns at the monster. Finally Luigi’s hammer glows green and he pounds SIGMA many, many times until the monster is dead and fades away.
Dimentio’s voice: Well because…
Shadow Queen: Because you’re our puppet, Luigi. And that’s all you’re ever going to be.
Luigi: … We’ll see about that…
Later outside the whole building, Luigi has Vivian’s body propped up against a rock for everyone to give their last respects. Wario walks up and looks down at Vivian.
Wario: Aww…
He hangs his head down and pats Luigi on the back before leaving. Daisy walks up to Vivian, but then immediately walks off so she doesn’t cry in front of Luigi.
Luigi: Are you okay?
Daisy: Uh… sure…
She’s hiding it because everyone knows she’s tougher than Luigi, so if SHE’S upset… Petey walks up to her and howls to the sky like he did before.
Petey: That’s Piranha for “rest in piece”. Or Wookie. I tend to mix them up.
Petey walks away as P.T. walks up.
P.T.: *sigh*
He sprinkles the pocketed flower petals on her and walks off, scratching the back of his head.
P.T.’s voice: Wait, I forgot!
He then comes back and sets down a taco next to her.
Wario: … Why?
P.T.: I figured she’d get hungry.
Wario: … She’s dead.
P.T.: That’s no reason to starve!
Wario: …
P.T.: Fine, I’ll meet you halfway.
P.T. takes a bite out of the taco before setting it back down.
Wario: … I think we need to have a talk about death.
Wario walks off with P.T. Elvin walks up and shakes his head before looking up.
Elvin: I hope you have a good reason for this.
Elvin walks off. Bombette notices and starts losing it, clinging onto Elvin’s leg as he leaves.
Elvin: Get offa me *****!
Bombette: WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Elvin: Oh ****…
Elvin passes by Luigi.
Elvin: You know when I’m upset, I usually-
Luigi: I told you I don’t want any tea!
Elvin: Your loss…
Merlon walks up.
Merlon: Too sad…
Merlon leaves. Blooper, from Mario Party 8 and Mario Super Sluggers, walks up to her body now.
Blooper: Bloopbloopbloop… (We’ll never forget you, Vivian.)
Luigi: Uhh, it’s nice that you came, especially considering no one told anyone about this and it’s so recent, but who are you?
Bloop: Bloop… BLOOPBLOOP! (Uhhhh… PARATROOPA, THEY’RE ON TO US!)
Paratroopa: Run!
Paratroopa and Blooper hop into the Parade Kart driven by Wiggler as it drives away.
Wiggler: Time to get out of here, OH!
Luigi: … Uh huh… That wasn’t weird…
Luigi is left to set Vivian’s body out into the water, where she sinks to the bottom.
Petey: Couldn’t we just have used a 1-Up Mushroom or something?
Luigi: … ****!
Elvin: My line!
Approximately fifteen minutes later, everyone is back in the old shell house, most of them having had time to heal.
Luigi: Okay, that was a rather odd funeral, but let’s move on now. Okay guys, this is what’s going on. Clearly I can’t be trusted to do anything. If he wants, Dimentio is just going to keep using me. Look at all the things he’s done now: burnt me and Daisy’s village to the ground, killed many of our loved ones and Vivian, stole the Millennium Badge, purposely refused to rewind tapes when he returned them to stores, it’s awful!
Daisy: But Luigi-
Luigi: No. I can’t be of any good to us!
P.T.: Just because-
Luigi: No! I need to stop right now before Dimentio takes another one of us. The worst part of it all is that he killed one of the SANE characters. I mean, he couldn’t have at least just sent a warning by killing off one of the lame characters?
Petey: Do you have any idea why he killed her? And which am I?
Luigi: No. Maybe just to mess us up or maybe because she had some kind of plan to stop him. And I’d say you’re in the middle. A little leaning towards the sane side, but barely. Anyway, the point is that I’m a liability for us! But before I do anything worse, I need to go and stop Dimentio once and for all at the North Pole Hole.
Wario: Is he going there?
Luigi: Yes, it’s written in the script, but he forgot to mention that. But I need all of your guys’ help. You all have to keep me from doing any thing worse than I have. You think you can? If not, you should leave now.
Wario: … I’m in.
Daisy: I’ll always try to help you, Luigi.
Petey: That clown’s going down.
P.T.: We’ve already gone this far.
Elvin: Wait’ll he finds my spear through his face!
Everyone Else: Ew…
Bombette: He’s going to pay…
Merlon: This can’t go on. Besides, they towed away the Metal Goonie when we docked at Boggly Base Camp. We’re pretty much stuck with you.
Luigi: So that’s what happened… Okay then… You’re all sure?
Wario: Can we just avenge Vivian and kill that clown and call it a day already?!
Luigi: Thanks, everyone. He’s killed everyone I care about except for all of you guys with me in this room, and that’s more than enough. We’re going to the North Pole Hole to stop Dimentio and avenge Vivian. She was going to save us from the Millennium Star somehow but now it looks like we won’t know how and that there’s nothing stopping Dimentio from using it. But we must still continue. Let’s go…
Elvin: May we drink some tea first?
Everyone: NO!
Elvin: Sheesh!
Luigi: Anyway…
They all head out and head north, leaving their friend Vivian behind…
END CHAPTER 1