Soon enough Toadette began to feel the burden of Luigi’s weight. Throwing him onto the ground with an “Ick!”, she kicked him. “How much does this guy weigh?!”
“Never tell me he did,” Bowyer said uncomfortably, eying Toadette’s gun. “A lot he must weigh.”
Toadette spun around and glared at him. “Shut up, you idiot!” she growled, “I can’t understand what you’re saying!”
Bowyer, affronted, folded his arms. “Shut up you should! Tell me to shut up you should not!”
“Whatever!” Toadette held her head and groaned. “If only there was a warp pipe leading to Bowser’s Castle. Luigi must’ve had cement for breakfast!”
“Warp pipe there is not.”
Toadette lost control. “SHUT YOUR TRAP, DOWYER!!”
“Bowyer my name ism” Bowyer said casually, moving behind a tree.
Toadette screamed long and loud. Bowyer had just pulled out one of his grinning arrows, preparing to quiet her, when Luigi jumped to his feet screaming. “I’m-a Mario!” he yelped. “I mean Luigi!” He broke out into a chorus of screams.
“Shut it!” Toadette roared.
Luigi continued his screams. “No thanks, little girl; I don’t WANNA buy any cookies!”
Toadette turned completely purple. “SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU! JUST SHUT UP!” She began shooting randomly with her gun, blowing off Luigi’s hat, obliterating the tree Bowyer was hiding behind and shooting the arrow out of his hands, and destroying a bush. Before she did anything else a warp pipe coincidentally appeared from the bush.
“Came true your wish did,” Bowyer stuttered, his eye twitching.
“A PIPE TO BOWSER’S CASTLE!” Luigi whooped, regaining his sanity (or what there was left of it).
“Wait, Luigi!” Toadette had also regained control of her mind. “We need to test it for-”
Luigi was having none of it. He leapt headfirst into the pipe. Seconds later, he was shooting out like a rocket, blackened. He flew several miles in the air and fell quickly down at Bowyer’s feet, mercifully alive, but unconscious.
“-traps.” Toadette finished, holding her head.
“Idiot,” Bowyer said contemptuously.
Toadette thought. “My dad told me that the only way to test a warp pipe for traps is-”
Luigi jumped to his feet, eyes bugged out, his mind fried. “CANNONBALL!” he wailed. Before either of them could do a thing, he grabbed Bowyer and Toadette by the waist and made a dive for the pipe, which immediately caught fire. Seconds later they were all on the ground, covered in soot.
“Nice going, Luigi,” Toadette spat, pointing her gun at him.
“Whoops, sorry.” Luigi shook himself off like a dog. “Here.” He began to give one of his college-educated ideas. “We just have to get ourselves REALLY cold. So cold that the fire will-”
Bowyer, who always came prepared, pulled a Freezie (a sort of magic ice) from his bag of arrows and tossed it at Luigi. Before Luigi could react he was cryogenically frozen. Toadette and Bowyer picked him up with difficulty and threw him on the fire, which immediately went to work melting him. By the time he was melted, the fire was out.
“Nice, Lowyer.” Toadette nodded her approval as the blue-skinned Luigi passed out.
“BOWYER!”
“Whatever.”
Toadette crawled
into the pipe. Thankfully no more traps showed themselves. Bowyer tossed
Luigi inside before following.
The three of them were spat out on a rocky island, surrounded by water on all sides. “WHA-” Toadette screamed.
Luigi jumped up. “OH GREAT! THIS IS KEELHAUL KEY!” Luigi had never been to Keelhaul Key, but he had heard a good deal about it.
“Shut up.” Toadette shoved a Poison Mushroom down Luigi’s throat. Luigi swooned and passed out… AGAIN. “There we go.” She wiped her hands on her dress. “Now, since this is far away from Bowser’s Castle, we’ll just go back in the-”
She turned to where the pipe had been and gave a scream. Bowyer did as well. Luigi, forcing himself to his feet, gave a quiet “Woah…”
Toadette began a long rant containing every curse you have ever heard and many you never will. The long and short of it Is that the pipe had disappeared. Luigi, as always, was a quick man with an explanation. “Did I forget to mention this island is cursed by the ghost of Cortez, the pirate spirit, and that since the Shadow Queen took over the world, all pipes disappear once you enter them?”
Bowyer gave another scream.
“Yes,” Toadette smiled sweetly, “you did.” She gave Luigi a roundhouse kick in the face and he passed out once again. “Great!” She beat her head on the rocky ground. “NOW what do we do?!”
Bowyer shrugged. “Know what to do I do not.”
Toadette prepared to blow her top again, then had an idea. “Try to limit it to one word per sentence, okay?”
Bowyer shrugged. “Okay.”
“Very good.” Toadette did a little victory dance. “Now, WHAT THE-” she went on with ranting for a while, cursing the world, her life, and Luigi, “-DO WE DO?!”
Bowyer shrugged again. “Dunno.”
Toadette peered off at the rocky landscape. “Hey, who’s that coming out of the mist?”
Luigi suddenly jumped up, startling the others. “OH NOOOOOOOOO!” he wailed.
“What?” Toadette shook him. “Is it a ghost?!”
“WORSE!” Luigi wailed. “IT’S-”
“Hi,” Flavio said happily, walking towards them. There wasn’t a man, woman, Toad, or monster alive that hadn’t come into contact with the “intrepid” Flavio, a self-styled adventurer.
Luigi screamed. Toadette screamed. Bowyer screamed.
“Ah!” Flavio waggled a finger. “It is Green ‘Stache! You have brought friends, yes?”
Luigi plunged into the water. Toadette plunged into the water. Bowyer plunged into the water.
“Oh dear.” Flavio cocked his head to one side as their screams became much louder, then stopped altogether. He walked to the water and, fishing around a bit with his hands, pulled out a large block of ice containing Luigi, Toadette, and Bowyer. He waited patiently for it to melt.
“You should have followed me to my camp, Green ‘Stache.” Flavio waggled a finger again.
“Suuuuuure.” Toadette was the first able to speak. “What’re you doing here?”
“I am here to beat Cortez!” Flavio raised a fist in the air. Cortez was an invincible pirate spirit that inhabited the island and had partnered with Mario to destroy the X-Nauts, who, conveniently, were the ones who brought the Shadow Queen from her box in the first place.
Luigi raised an eyebrow (that and his mouth were currently the only things he could move). “I thought you’d befriended Cortez.”
Flavio nodded sagely. “Brave sailors always fight their friends!”
Toadette blinked. “So why are you fighting him?”
“I said… HEY!”
Bowyer broke out of his ice, picked Flavio up, and threw him far out into the water. Toadette sighed. “THANK you, Fowyer.”
“BOWYER!”
“Yeah, sure.”
“I’m-a Mario!”
Bowyer looked at Toadette. Toadette looked at Bowyer. They both looked at Luigi. That had not come from any of them.
Out of the fog, in all his glory, came Mario, followed by a troupe of Yoshis and Birdo.
“It’s-a me, Mario!”
Luigi passed out. Bowyer, who had once been killed (yes, KILLED) by Mario, hid behind Toadette. Toadette held a Poison Mushroom in front of her like a shield. Birdo, shaking her head, came over to them.
“Toadette,” she warbled, “this is madness! Mario took us out into the forest and down a pipe, but it disappeared! And thanks to a certain someone…” at this point she paused and glared at a blue Yoshi wearing sunglasses, who gave her a thumbs-up, “…Mario became our leader!”
Mario raised a finger and spoke to the Yoshis in a deep, authoritative tone. “I order that pasta be delivered to me!” The blue Yoshi cheered. The rest of them groaned. With murmurs of assent, they began a long, complicated process of cooking pasta that involved rocks, body heat, and intestinal fluids.
“Yoshi give this to you, Mario,” Yoshi, a Yoshi, murmured, passing it to him.
Mario waggled a finger. “Now, now! We must recite the Code of the Marios!”
Luigi opened his eyes. “THE CODE OF THE MARIOS?!” he spat.
The blue Yoshi nodded quickly and began reciting. The rest moaned and proceeded in a low, slow monologue. Birdo mimed talking.
“Cheese is good,
Pasta is great
We love both
We appreciate.”
Toadette shook her head. “That is just pathetic.”
“INSOLENCE!” Mario roared. “RECITE!”
“No way, Jose!” Toadette scoffed. Mario immediately pulled from his belt a long, silver sword. She began reciting immediately and enthusiastically. “Cheese is good, pasta is great. We love both, we appreciate. There, it’s over!”
Mario scoffed. “I meant recite it a million times.”
Toadette blew her top… AGAIN. “RECITE THIS!” she roared, and blasted him with her gun. He flew back several feet, crashed into a rock wall, and hit the floor.
“Thank you.” Luigi nodded. “Now, Spirit, how do we get out of here?”
Birdo began a fit of laughing, which, from her, sounded more like honking. “SPIRIT?! Has he lost his mind?!”
“About time!” Mario growled. “I thought you’d forgotten about me!”
Birdo did a double-take and gave a very manly yelp. “Okay, who said that? C’mon out, joke’s over!”
“Shuddap,” Mario ordered in a voice that was definitely not his own. Birdo passed out.
Luigi gave a nervous laugh. “Sorry I threw you down the stairs…”
Toadette tapped him on the shoulder. “L-Luigi? Is this the Star Wars spirit you told me about?”
“STAR WARS?!” Mario roared.
“Nice going, Toadette.”
“Great,” Bowyer groaned.
“I AM SO MAD AT YOU THAT I WILL NOT TELL YOU HOW TO GET OFF THIS ISLAND!!!”
The Yoshis, who by this point had surrounded Mario with a variety of weapons, including rocks, eggs, and deodorant, growled. “We say otherwise.”
Mario yelped. “Okay, okay! I’ll tell you!”
“Good,” Bowyer said, nodding wisely. The others looked at him with half-closed eyes.
Mario cleared
his throat and recited,
“To make the
warp pipe reappear,
Defeat Cortez
Sometime this
year.”
Luigi sighed. “I really hate poetry.”
“And now…” Mario shook a fist in the air, “TO GET OUTTA HERE!” Immediately he jumped up and was back to his normal self, screaming “I’m-a Mario!”
Bowyer, always the man… bow… with the plan, stuffed Mario in a warp pipe that all of the Yoshis stayed well away from. It was marked “Torture Chamber”.
“OOH!” Mario whooped. “HORROR! I wonder what horror is?” And then he was gone.
Birdo, picking herself off the ground, gave a cheer. “You got rid of that horrible idiot, Bowyer!” She began dancing badly, the other Yoshis staring at her. “THANK YOU! YOU GOT RID OF EVERYTHING BAD ON THIS ISLAND!”
“Hi, dude.” The blue Yoshi waved at them as if noticing them for the first time.
“With one tiny exception…” Birdo glared at him.
Toadette, with a shrug, picked up Boshi and threw him into the water. The rest of them cheered. “Now this island is no longer threatening our survival!” Birdo waved her hands in the air.
As if by cue, through the strong ocean winds floated a voice that sounded like two cheese graters scraping together. “Turn baaaaaaaaack… Leeeeeeeeeave at once… Goooooooooo away…”
Toadette sighed. “You were saying?”
“Who’s that?” Birdo whimpered.
“Who’s who?” Luigi wondered.
“Who’s who who?” Yoshi pondered.
Bowyer shook his head. “Shaddap,” he barked. “Cortez.”
Luigi stuck a finger in the air. “Bowyer’s right? It must be Cortez!”
“NOT HIM!” the Yoshis wailed, right on cue.
Birdo put a hand to her mouth (or snout, to be more exact). “He must be the one that’s making members of our crew disappear!”
“Who disappeared?” Luigi asked.
“Flavio… Emperor Goomba…”
“… Yeah…” Luigi stuttered. He, along with Toadette and Bowyer, had begun sweating profusely. “Must be him…”
“Hey, look!” Toadette pointed to an extremely conveniently placed warp pipe that seemed to just sprout from the ground. With a chorus of whoops and cheers, the Yoshis jumped, one by one, into the pipe. It took a while.
“Let’s follow them!” Toadette ran to the warp pipe, Luigi, Bowyer, and Birdo following. However, a split second after Toadette threw herself into the air, the warp pipe vanished, leaving Toadette to fall onto the rocks.
“Not good!” Luigi moaned.
“No!” Birdo honked. “Now we’re stuck here!”
“Bad!” Bowyer added.
“Great!” Toadette growled, spitting out a rock. “Now we actually HAVE to beat Cortez! Oh, pain…”
“If only there were some Yoshis left…” Luigi fantasized about his favorite stew, which required key components from Yoshis, and also about how he would obtain them without getting sick.
“But there aren’t.” Toadette sighed. “Sorry, Birdo… I guess you’re stuck with us.”
Birdo quickly threw as many eggs, rocks, and pieces of sea glass at the threesome as possible and ran away as fast as she could, honking up a storm.
“Or not.” Toadette wiped the gunk from her dress.
Luigi rolled his eyes. “Jeez, how sensitive can a lass get? I suppose we should go to Cortez.”
Toadette threw a handful of egg yolk at him. “But I don’t WANT to!”
“TOO BAD!”
“Shuddap.” Bowyer growled at both of them.
Toadette laughed, a hint of insanity in the sound. “Nice comeback, Towyer!”
“SHUDDAP,” Bowyer barked, “NOW.”
Suddenly, out of the blue, appeared a gigantic floating skull with a pirate hat on top. Around it floated thousands of bones, some hands, and some feet, most holding swords and weapons. Before anyone could do so much as a spit-take, a hand had seized Toadette.
“HELP ME!” Toadette shrieked, waving her arms and dropping her gun. But before Luigi and Bowyer could even THINK about saving her (which would have taken six hours, approximately), the bone swung her around and whipped her through the air, letting her fly off into the distance. Luigi whimpered. The skull turned to him, a ghastly, bloodcurdling look on its face(?). Then it laughed.
“Hey, amigo!” Cortez waved with one of his bones. “Yer Mario’s brother, righty?”
Luigi looked at Bowyer. Bowyer looked at Luigi. “Y-yeah.”
“Oh, good. I’ll bet you want to get off this island, right?”
“YES.” Luigi nodded so forcefully that his head smacked into the ground.
“You want to use my ship, right?”
“YESSSSSSS!” Bowyer and Luigi chorused.
“Okay.”
Huh?” Luigi blinked and looked around. “No difficult tasks?”
Cortez made what might have been a shrug. “If you insist… Get me some water from the far away city of-”
Before he could say any more, Luigi had Toadette’s gun in his hands and was shooting Cortez with much more force than was necessary. The skull gave a bloodcurdling scream and exploded, each bone breaking into thousands of pieces that exploded, and clouds of light in all colors filled the island. When they cleared, only Luigi and Bowyer were left standing there, surrounded by warp pipes.
“Well…” Luigi stared at the gun in his hands. “We defeated Cortez… I guess we can go…”
Bowyer slapped him. “Toadette!”
“Hm?” Luigi appeared not to notice the slap. “Oh, we can leave without Toadette.”
Luigi tossed the gun behind him. Toadette, who was standing right behind him, caught it and shot him. Luigi went flying, hit the ground, and passed out.
“Toadette!” Bowyer blinked furiously. “How?”
Toadette socked him in the eye. “Hey, Sli- I mean, Bowyer. I, uh, took a shortcut to get here.”
“Slick?” Bowyer rubbed his eye.
Toadette gave a nervous laugh. “Eh, we’d better get off this island, Bowyer! You get what’s-his-name.”
“Luigi.” Bowyer corrected.
“Yeah, Luigi. Yes. Luigi. Whatever. Sure.”
“Seem like yourself you do not,” Bowyer observed suspiciously.
“Yeah.” Toadette nodded violently, smiling uncomfortably. “Eh, we’d better go.”
“Pipe?”
“Of course we go down a warp pipe!” Toadette smacked Bowyer on the back of his head. “Uh… THIS ONE!” She pointed violently at a particular pipe with a label on it.
Bowyer looked at the label. “’Creepy Steeple’?”
“Uh, yeah!” Toadette nodded vigorously, and accidentally smacked her head on the ground. “’Course! It’sâ… uh… right by Bowser’s Castle!”
Bowyer shrugged. “Okay.”
“HEY!” Toadette turned, shaking her fist at the distance. “And you there! Out in front o’ the computer screen! Don’tcha dare tell Bowyer who I am!”
“… In front o’ the computer screen’?!”
To elaborate, “Toadette” was either completely clairvoyant or completely insane. Possibly both.
“Shush up, Slick!” Toadette growled, not at the narrator, but at Bowyer. “I mean Bowyer! Bowyer! Let’s go!”
As Bowyer attempted to haul Luigi to his feet with an arrow, with ugly results, Luigi opened his eyes.
“Glad you’re up, Slick!” Toadette snapped her fingers.
“Who?” Luigi asked.
“Who?” Bowyer repeated.
“Shaddup,” Toadette barked. “Let’s go.” She began crawling into the pipe.
“’Creepy Steeple’?!” Luigi whined.
Toadette groaned. “It’s right next to Bowser’s Castle. Let’s go, imbeciles.”
“Okay,” Bowyer and Luigi said automatically, then immediately felt like morons.
In the shadows, a black Yoshi hid, speaking through a… speaker. The way he spoke, coveting every word with a pompousness found only in pompous people, you’d think he was talking to a queen. Oh, wait, he was.
“Our agent has infiltrated the group, my Queen,” he was saying. “Yes, I’m sure he’ll be successful with Cortez out of the way. Yeah, I thought he quit too. With a mind like Doopliss’, you never know.”
The Yoshi nodded, added a few “Yes, ma’am”s and “Of course”s, and disappeared into the quickly approaching night.