Paper Luigi: Quest for the Star Spirits

By Koopa Kid

Chapter 7:  Death or Consequences

Luigi:  Wow, I can't believe that there's only one Star Spirit left to go! It's all gone by so quickly...

Lakilester:  Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Luigi:  Oh, you know that you love exposition.

I don't even love exposition... and I'm writing it.

Luigi:  Fair enou--


Be patient, we need some normalcy! ... Well, as normal as this story can get, anyway.

Lakilester:  Ugh...


Twink flies down.

Luigi:  What is it, Twink?!

Twink:  Where's the nearest Wendy's?

Luigi does an anime fall and gets back up.

Luigi:  I thought that you were going to tell me where the next Star Spirit is...

Twink:  What do you mean?

Luigi:  I've already gotten the 6th one.


Luigi:  WHOA! I didn't even know some of those words existed!

Lakilester:  I think he cursed in other languages too...

Luigi:  So... I take it that you don't know?

Twink:  NO! No one even mentioned it!

Luigi:  What about you, Lakilester? Being Bowser's former minion and all...

Lakilester:  He makes Green Koopas walk off of cliffs. You think he tells us anything USEFUL?! He just guesses where you and Mario might be and puts us there!

Luigi:  Er... That explains A LOT, actually.

Twink:  Hm... Looks like we'll have to go around town to find out!

They walk around and find some guy sitting at a booth.

Twink:  HEY! You ominous-looking... whatever you are!

Hooded Figure:  Eh?

Twink:  Yeah, you! Do you know where the next Star Spirit is?

Hooded Figure:  Of course I do... It's near Shiver City. To get there, you need to go to the extremely dangerous path at the edge of town! It's near the docks, you couldn't miss it!

Twink:  Thanks!

Luigi:  Um... Twink, are you sure that this guy is trustworthy?

Twink:  Ah, should you worry about it? You'll do fine! Now, go to that path while I steal things from GameStop while no one's looking. LATAH!

Twink flies away as Luigi and Lakilester head towards the path. The Hooded Figure takes a lantern out from under his cloak and puts it onto the booth.

Lantern Ghost:  Yes, Luigi, but will you do just fine NOW... against Kent C. Koopa?!

Luigi and Lakliester make it to the path, where they find a huge, sleeping Koopa blocking their way.

Lakilester:  Whoa... I'd like whatever steroids THAT guy is using!

Luigi:  Hm... I don't think this guy should be any problem. I can probably just jump over him.

Luigi steps back and runs towards him.

Kent C. Koopa:  ... Huh? What's that noise?

Kent C. looks at Luigi, who suddenly skids to a stop.

Luigi:  Erm... hey, there!

Kent C. picks up Luigi.

Kent C. Koopa:  Were ya'll the lil' squirt that was makin' all this here noise?!

Luigi:  Um... maybe?

Kent C. Koopa:  Well, I can't be havin' all this here noise all up in mah business, ya'll! SOUTHERN RAGE!

Kent C. gets out a banjo right as Luigi squeezes out of his grasp. Luigi runs, as he dodges every attempt Kent C. makes to whack him.

Luigi:  Lakilester! Can you play any instruments?!

Lakilester:  Once again, no useful skills…

Luigi:  Oh, forget it!

Luigi stops in his tracks and tips Kent C. over, making him fall on his back.

Kent C. Koopa:  Hey! That’s no fair, ya’ little varmint!  GIT BACK OVAH HEYAH SO I CAN BANJO YOU TO DEATH!

Lakliester:  … This is just sad.

Luigi:  Yeah, let’s just go…

They quickly walk along their designated path.

Lantern Ghost:  Shoot! He may have gotten past Kent C’s Southern Rage, but he’ll never get into Crystal Palace…

In Shiver City…

Luigi:  Hey, this would be a good place to chill...

A giant hand comes out of nowhere, slaps him, and disappears.

Luigi:  All right, I get it!

They start to wander throughout the town until...

Pennington:  Luigi?! Why, I didn't expect YOU to be here!

Luigi:  Oh, LORD…

Pennington:  I got a new eye! ... Although something doesn't feel quite right.

He takes off his eyepatch, revealing a big, bulging eye. Luigi and Lakilester now have looks of disgust.

Lakilester:  Um... I think that you should look in a mirror...

Pennington:  HA! I scoff at your mirrors! For I am... THE GREAT PENNINGTON!

Penguin:  Oh, you're back already?

A small Emperor Penguin walks over to them. He then stares at Pennington's eye, twitches a little, and vomits.

Pennington:  OH! The mayor?!

Mayor:  As much as I really hate to say this... I need yo- Oh, is that the sidekick you were talking about?

Luigi:  ... Sidekick?

Mayor:  Yeah! You're Mario's brother, aren't you?!

Luigi:  Yes...

Mayor:  (Wow... I can't believe I'm talking to the famous Mario’s brother!) Follow me inside, boys!

They walk inside, where they see a corpse, with flies swarming around it.

Lakilester:  Ew...

Luigi:  So... what do you want us to do, get rid of these flies?

Mayor:  Um... that would be good, but I don't think that'll be as easy as you would think...

Luigi:  Why no--

A fly suddenly punches him in the jaw.

Luigi:  OW!!!

Mayor:  They're Fighter Flies.

Luigi:  Ya' don't say...

Mayor:  Anyhow, I want you three to try to figure out who murdered this man!

Pennington:  A-a... MURDER MYSTERY?! Oh, my... this is all so sudden! I-I'm at a loss for words!

Luigi:  (whispering in Pennington’s ear) You never actually solved a case, have you?

Pennington:  Well... THAT SHALL NOT STOP ME! I am the sleuthiest sleuth of all sleuths! Just like ROBERT DOWNEY JUNIOR!

Pennington runs out of the house, dragging Luigi and Lakilester along with him.

Pennington:  Okay, comrades, I deduce that we should split up first... and if that doesn't work, we shall just give up and rob the store filled with electric blankets.

Luigi:  Fine by me.

Luigi and Lakilester go the other way.

Luigi:  All right, let's find some evidence and just get this over wi-

Jr. Troopa:  Hey there, dollface!

Luigi:  Um... Are you sure that you couldn't think of a better introduction than that?

Jr. Troopa ignores him and takes out a crude-looking wand.

Luigi and Lakilester snicker.

Luigi:  What are ya' gonna do? Throw that stick at us?!


A giant foot squashes Lakilester.

Luigi:  Oh gawd... He's using the power of British humor!


Luigi charges towards Jr. Troopa as he dodges more giant feet falling from the sky.

Luigi:  It seems that there's danger afoot!

The hand appears again, this time in a gargantuan size. Taking advantage of this, Luigi turns it around, making it pound Jr. Troopa halfway into the ground.

Jr. Troopa:  OW! Hey, that didn't get rid of me YET!

Jr. Troopa struggles intensely.

Jr. Troopa:  … Or maybe it did… Can you wait here? This may take awhile…

Luigi:  I’d rather not.

Luigi glances over at the giant foot that Lakilester is under.

Luigi:  Um... Is he dead?


Censor Fairy:  WAIT!


Censor Fairy:  Two partners just died in a row!


Censor Fairy:  You can't do that! This is a family site!

What are you talking about?! I have bad guys die in this story all the time!

Censor Fairy:  Yes, but they all come back in-

Luigi smashes the Censor Fairy with his hammer, killing it.

Luigi:  I'm not the most patient guy... #$%@.

Luigi walks through the snowy terrain, looking for more clues... until he bumps into someone.


Pennington:  Oh! Why, it looks like our fates have crossed one too many times! Well, that settles it! From now on, you shall be my colleague.

Luigi is awestruck.



Luigi:  I hate you...

Pennington:  Now that we are side-by-side, I suggest that we should search for the culprit... TOGETHER!!!

Luigi:  Whoop-ee...

Pennington:  Given the current climate that we're in, I shall use one of the greatest pieces of all sleuthing equipment!

Pennington takes out a snowblower, puts it on Full-Blast, and laughs maniacally as he makes all of the snow fly off of the ground.

Pennington:  Hm... nothing yet. I deduce that we should repeat the process for the next few miles...

Luigi:  I'm kind of regretting getting the Star Spirit last chapter…

Luigi looks down and finds various footprints leading into the house that he was just in.

Luigi:  This probably isn’t going to matter at all, but I suppose there’s no harm in investigating this anyway…

Luigi tracks the footprints into a different house, not too far away from where the body was…

Luigi:  Wait a minute… There’s a brown splotch on the ground…

???:  That’s tea…

Luigi turns around and his jaw drops down.


Pennington and the Mayor rush into the house.

Pennington:  My word! It’s a felonious phantasm!

Ghost:  No, I’m the guy you just killed, idiot.

Luigi:  Wait… PENNINGTON is the murderer?!

Ghost:  He was having tea with me in my house, for no particular reason, when he just suddenly splashed a bunch of scorching hot tea all over my face. Naturally, it was quite painful, and I ended up dashing madly into the mayor’s house, crashing into the wall. The force of the concussion fractured my skull, and, well… here we are.

Pennington:  Well… that was quite the twist, if I do say so myself.

Luigi:  Let me get this straight… He ran, screamed like a madman, and died in your house and none of you noticed?!

Mayor:  … We’re not very observant.

Ghost:  Obviously… though it gives me an idea for my new book, “An Inconvenient Death by Concussion”! WITH THIS I SHALL SAVE THE ENVIRONMENT…

Luigi:  What does THAT have to do with saving the environment?!

Ghost:  … I DON’T KNOW…

Mayor:  Well, regardless, I thank you for solving this mystery! Is there anything I can do to repay you?

Luigi:  Yes, do you know where the Star Spirit is?

Mayor:  Hm… no, but I’ve heard of them. Try asking Merle in Starborn Valley. It’s on the mountain just past the village, you can’t miss it!

Luigi:  Thanks.

Pennington:  This seems like quite the interesting proposal! I shall accompany you on this venture!

Luigi:  Sure, whatever. It’s not like I have much of a choice by now.

Pennington:  TALLY-HO! I deduce that this case shall be quite enjoyable!

Luigi:  That’s more than you can say for me…

Several Minutes of Mountain Trekking Later…

Pennington:  We’ve made some excellent progress, my young ward! I deduce that we are almost at Starborn Valley!

Luigi:  Thank god…


Luigi:  Huh?

A dark, shadowy figure with menacing red eyes suddenly materializes in front of the entrance.

???:  Thine name is Monstar… Thou shall turn back… OR PERISH…

Luigi:  … If you insist…

Pennington:  No, Luigi! We must overcome this penumbras plague, if my name isn’t ROBERT DUVALL, MASTER DETECTIVE!

Luigi:  It’s not.

Pennington:  Really? … Huh… Well I guess now is the opportune moment to squeal like a little girl and hide behind that rock.

He does so.

Luigi:  *sighs* Idiot…

Monstar:  HA! Thou shall never be able to defeat-eth ME, MORTAL!

Luigi throws a fireball at it. After it finishes burning, it reveals a bunch of Star Kids, identical in appearance to Twink.


They dart into the village, maniacally laughing.

Luigi:  … K.

They walk into the village.

Merle:  Greetings, plumber! I had a feeling that you would come here eventually!

Luigi:  Hey, you look just like Merlon, from Toad Town!

Merle:  Well, I should! He’s my father! Anyhow, you’re looking for a Star Spirit, am I correct?

Luigi:  Yes!

Merle:  Well, it’s in the Crystal Palace, with the Star Spirit being guarded by its ruler, the Crystal King, one of Bowser’s cronies…

Luigi:  Typical… Where is the Crystal Palace?

Merle:  It’s in a secret entrance in the mountain.

Luigi:  How do I get there?

Merle snaps his fingers and a Ninji walks over to Luigi, carrying two items.

Ninji:  Here’s a bucket and a scarf, go nuts.

He drops them in front of Luigi and walks off.

Luigi:  … You’re kidding me.

Merle:  Nope! Good luck!

Somewhere at the Mountain…

Lantern Ghost:  So, you all remember the plan, right?

Golden Fuzzy:  Um… Does it involve stealing shiny things? I’m good at that…

Lantern Ghost:  No, we’re supposed to hide in the snowmen and ambush Luigi when he tries to get into the palace!

Golden Fuzzy:  … So, I steal his wallet?

Lantern Ghost:  …

Shy Guy:  Guys, Luigi’s coming!

Luigi walks along, stopping to look at the snowmen.

Luigi:  I wonder what these snowmen are doing here?

Pennington:  Perhaps our recent items…?

Luigi:  Hm…

Luigi puts the bucket on top of one of the snowmen and wraps the scarf around the “neck” of another one, which somehow opens the entrance.

Luigi:  Wow! I can’t believe that actually worked!

Lantern Ghost:  Neither do I…

Luigi:  Wha—

A pair of arms emerges from one of the snowmen, forcefully grabbing Luigi’s hands.

Luigi:  OW! WHO ARE YOU?!

Lantern Ghost:  I AM KNOWN AS…

He shakes the snow off of himself.

Lantern Ghost:  … LANTERN GHOST!

Luigi:  … No seriously, who are you?

Lantern Ghost:  I was SUPPOSED to be in Chapter 4, but the author forgot about me altogether!

Well, EXCUSE ME! I can’t help it if you’re not memorable!

Lantern Ghost:  … That doesn’t make me feel any better.

Wasn’t trying to. ANYWAY…

Luigi:  Why are you attacking me?!

Lantern Ghost:  I’m a member of the Bad Guy Brigade! A group of all of the minions you defeated, completely dedicated to destroying you and retaining the Star Spirits for our lord and master, Bowser!

Pennington:  CEASE THIS LONGWINDED EXPOSITION! We MUST get to the Crystal Palace, posthaste!

Pennington randomly whips out his magnifying glass.

Golden Fuzzy:  SHINY!

Golden Fuzzy leaps out of the snowman and tackles Pennington.


Golden Fuzzy:  MUST HAVE SHINYYY!!!

Luigi kicks Lantern Ghost, which makes him let go of Luigi’s hands. Luigi then does a random backflip and makes a snowball, throwing it at the Lantern Ghost. The impact makes the lantern fall out of his cloak and leak open. As a result, the flames end up igniting the Lantern Ghost’s cloak.

Lantern Ghost:  YOWCH! HOT HOT HOT!

Golden Fuzzy:  OOOOH! MORE SHINY!

Golden Fuzzy chases Lantern Ghost off to parts unknown.

Pennington:  Well… that was quicker than deduced.

Luigi:  Hey, I’m not complaining. Let’s just go in, nab that Star Spirit, and get out of here.

They run inside the palace as Shy Guy silently emerges from the snowman he was hiding in. He then gets out a walkie-talkie, whispering into it.

Shy Guy:  General Guy, this is Shy Guy reporting, Lantern Ghost and Golden Fuzzy have failed. I’m requesting immediate backup. Send more members of the BGB…

In the Palace…

Luigi and Pennington stroll around the crystalline palace, which is filled with nothing but crystals and mirrors… both of which just so happen to be reflective… Are the mirrors made out of crystals? Well, regardless, the light that shines within gives off a beautiful rainbow sheen that glows throughout most of the palace.

Luigi:  Wow… this place is astounding… It’s hard to believe that one of Bowser’s cronies lives here…

They wander around the somewhat labyrinthine palace as General Guy spies on them from behind one of the many crystals.

General Guy:  So, Luigi is near the final Star Spirit, huh?

Shy Guy:  Y-yes, sir, just like I said…

General Guy:  I didn’t think the little runt would get this far!

Shy Guy:  Um… I think “little” is a poor choice of words, sir…

General Guy blankly stares at the Shy Guy, and smacks him on the back of the head.

General Guy:  Don’t make me get out George! … He’s my beatin’ stick.

Shy Guy rubs the back of his head.

Shy Guy:  S-sorry, sir…

Anti Guy:  So, what do you want, boss-man, sir, man, leader, boss, master, sir, man… General? Do ya want me to bring in the posse?

General Guy:  Not yet, Anti Guy. Good things come to those who wait…

Meanwhile, Luigi and Pennington are still strolling through the palace, wandering throughout its many passageways.

Pennington:  Luigi, my young accomplice… I deduce that we are at an impasse! We require some assistance!

Luigi:  Well, yeah, but who’s going to help us in THIS place? We’re in enemy territory!

???:  Greetings, greetings, mon amis! The Great Pennington and Luigi!

Luigi:  Who are you?

???:  It is I, the Great Merlee!

A strange, otherworldly woman appears, wearing a red dress, pink sunglasses, and large pink earrings. She also has yellow-orange locks of hair and pale, white skin.

Luigi:  So, are you here to help us?

Merlee:  Yes, yes, you are correct! You must go through the mirror in this room, it is false, I do expect!

Luigi and Pennington go through the large mirror on the wall.

Luigi:  Wow, it WAS fake, just like you said! Thanks, Merlee!

Merlee:  Yes, indeed, I’m glad to help you! But I’m afraid it’s time to bid adieu…

Luigi:  Why?

Merlee:  I can’t stay here too long, I must make haste! But do not worry, we will meet again someday… ste…

A white square materializes around Merlee, which makes her flip around and disappear. Luigi and Pennington then shrug and walk through the door on the other side, which leads to a large passageway… which, in turn, leads to a long, spiraling staircase.

???:  Yo, Slick!

A Duplighost (wearing a white sheet, instead of the usual purple) leaps in front of Luigi and Pennington.

Doopliss:  Th’ name’s Doopliss! Bowsah told me to not even let‘cha’s get to th’ CRYSTAL KING, let alone th’ top floor! … So I’m gonna delivah the goods!

Luigi:  Oh yeah? What can YOU do?

Doopliss:  Generally, I can do anything that you can do bettah…

Doopliss submerges himself in the shadows, scans Luigi, and emerges back onto the ground, looking exactly the same.

Doopliss:  … Especially when I AM you! NYEH NYEH NYEH!

Pennington:  I deduce that we’re in some deep—

Doopliss:  Shut up.

Pennington gets a hammer thrown at his head, which knocks him out.

Luigi:  THANK YOU…

Doopliss:  Now then…

Luigi takes a fighting stance.

Doopliss:  … Look at your partner, now back to me, now back at your partner, now back to me. Thankfully, I’m not him right now, but if he stopped using ladies scented body wash and switched to Old Spice, he could smell like he’s me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re still in the exact some place, wondering what in the world I’m talking about. What’s in your hand, back at me. I STOLE YOUR GLOVE FOR NO REASON. Look again, I TOOK YOUR FREAKING BOOT. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE WHEN YOU’RE A COMPLETE LUNATIC LIKE ME.

Luigi:  … Wha—

Doopliss:  HAMMER-TO-THE-HEAD!!!

Doopliss throws another hammer, this time at Luigi’s head.

Luigi:  OW!!!

Doopliss:  NYEH NYEH NYEH! I LOVE doin’ that!

Luigi:  You know what I love doing?

Doopliss:  What?

Luigi:  THIS!

Luigi throws a can of Axe Body Spray at Doopliss’ head, which knocks him off the edge and into the endless abyss.


Pennington then gets up, shaking his head.

Pennington:  What in the Doyle just happened?!

Luigi:  I don’t want to talk about it…

Luigi and Pennington then walk up the daunting stairway, which (from their point of view) is seemingly endless.

Pennington:  *panting* Th-This staircase is as long as a Peter Jackson movie!

Luigi:  … Or maybe as long as it took the author to actually get around to writing this chapter! Oh yeah. I went there.

After Luigi’s painfully true remark, they climb the rest of the stairway, reaching the top floor.

General Guy:  Well, well, well, it’s you guys again!

Luigi:  Oh god, not you… ANYONE but you…

General Guy:  All tuckered out from climbing this staircase, eh, runt? Well, that’s just too bad! ANTI GUY! OTHER DUDE! Let us mobilize! SHOW THEM NO MERCY!

Anti Guy comes out, carrying one pistol in each hand as Shy Guy feebly waddles over to General Guy.

General Guy:  And no tricks this time! This time, we’re having a fair fight! At least for ME, anyway… ISN’T THAT, RIGHT, BETSY?!

Luigi:  … Who’s Betsy?

General Guy:  She’s one of my best friends, of course!

General Guy whips out a bazooka.

General Guy:  NOW GET ‘IM, BETSY!

General Guy fires ammunition at Luigi, which he quickly dodges. Anti Guy is then trying to fire at Pennington, who is running around screaming his head off.

Luigi:  I don’t have time for this! This is, like, my 6th battle so far in this darn chapter!


Luigi blankly stares at Mario (who’s suddenly appeared here for no apparent reason). He then throws Mario into “Betsy” right when General Guy is about to blast them again.

General Guy:  Oh, dear…

The bazooka then explodes, making the ground turn into rubble and causing everyone standing there to slide down the mountain… except for Luigi and Pennington, who just so happen to be standing a short distance away.

Pennington:  Um… Do you propose that we should help that Murray-o guy?

Luigi:  Nah, he can take care of himself.

Luigi and Pennington then walk through a pair of doors, entering some sort of chamber.

Crystal King:  So, we finally meet… But, you see, I cannot let you have the Star Spirit in my possession, FOR WE MUST FI—


Crystal King:  … O-Okay…

The Crystal King puts the card on the floor and meekly walks away. Luigi then walks over to the card and picks it up.

Luigi:  FINALLY!


After many, many, MANY months of this chapter not coming out, Luigi got the last Star Spirit, which means he can FINALLY go to Bowser’s Castle, not to mention overcome Bowser’s newfound power of invincibility! Speaking of, PEACH ‘N TWINK TIME, BABEH.

Peach:  So, HOW long did it take for this to come out again?

Twink:  Well… last time, I talked about the 3DS being announced and it’s already BEEN out by now.

Peach:  Sheesh… He needs to get his work together!


Peach:  Well, it’s true!



Bowser barges into the room (once again ignoring Twink).

Peach:  Just the author.

Bowser:  Oh. Well, anyway, um… how are you doing?

Peach:  Pretty good, pretty good… now that Luigi’s got all of the Star Spirits! He’s going to come over here and kick all of your butts!

Bowser:  PFFFFFT!!! Like THAT will ever happe—

Kammy sprints into the room.

Kammy:  BARRY!

Bowser:  BOWSER!

Kammy:  … PHIL! That little whippersnapper’s got all of the star thingies now! HE’S GOING TO COME OVER HERE AND KICK ALL OUR BUTTS! I’m messin’ my diapers here, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?!

Bowser:  Oh, I guess you guys didn’t know…

Bowser whistles as General Guy and Anti Guy come in carrying Mario, who’s tied up.

General Guy:  We’ve got him tied up nice and tight, just like you asked, sir…

Peach:  MARIO!


Twink flies over to Bowser.

Twink:  You’ll never get away with this, you… YOU… POOPIEHEAD.

Bowser:  … Did one of you get out the talking Christmas ornaments?! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HATE THAT.

Twink angrily flies around Bowser like an annoying housefly.


Bowser punches Twink, which knocks him out and he falls out of the balcony…

Peach:  TWINK!!!

Peach turns around.


Bowser:  I try my best… Now, all of you! Go rally up as many troops as you can and put them into position! At the least, I want to delay Luigi as long as possible!

Anti Guy:  What about the princess?

Bowser:  Restrain her. Lock her up. Do whatever, until I say otherwise. I have… OTHER matters to attend to…

Bowser walks out of the room as Anti Guy walks over to Peach and forcefully grabs her.


Bowser walks up a flight of stairs, to the roof of the castle.

Bowser:  In a matter of hours, NO ONE will be able to stop me… not even the Mario Brothers… Everyone will bow down to ME…

Bowser laughs maniacally as he whips out the Star Rod, which glows extremely bright…

To Be Continued...

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