Chapter 2—OVER NO RIVERS, BUT THROUGH A WOOD
Bowser: Finally! Dimble Wood!
Bowser walks on and finds a Treevil and a Trashure.
Bowser: HEY! FREAKS!
The enemies turn toward Bowser, evil in their eyes.
Bowser: … Crud.
They charge Bowser.
---------------------------------------------------
SHOWTIME!!
Bowser-
HP: 105
SP: 15
--VS!--
Treevil-
HP: 95
&
Trashure-
HP: 147
FIGHT!!
Bowser uses Flame! 13/6/6/3/1 damage!
CRITICAL Damage to Treevil!
Treevil is on fire! HP: 66/95
Trashure HP: 118/147
Treevil uses Branch Toss! Bowser punch-counters!
21 damage to Treevil!
Treevil HP: 45/95
Trashure uses Crud Chuck! Bowser punch
counters! 25/13/8 damage to Trashure!
Trashure HP: 72/147
Bowser uses Bowser…PAUNCH!! on Treevil!
50 damage to Treevil!
Treevil HP: 0/95. Treevil KO’d!
Trashure uses Crud Chuck! Bowser punch-counters,
but also takes 15 damage. 13/25/9 damage to Trashure!
Trashure HP: 47/147
Bowser uses Bowser…PAUNCH!!! on Trashure!
50 damage to Trashure!
Trashure HP: 0/147. Trashure KO’d!
Bowser wins!
--------------------------------------------
Bowser: Dang, that was annoying! Oh well… Back to business!
Bowser continues on until he reaches Broque Monsieur’s shop.
Broque: What? Es impossible! ‘Ow did vous get ‘ere?! GO. NOW.
Bowser: Grrr… Fine, jerkwad. I’ll take my massive amounts of coins elsewhere!
Bowser walks off, dragging a large bag of what is estimated to be 2,000,000 coins. Then, after walking for a bit and getting yelled at by Treevils and Trashures (mostly Trashures) that want their money back (and get set on fire as a result), he finds a cage full of Goombas.
Bowser: Hey, no fair! You lazy Goombas get to play Cram-in-the-Cage while I’m out here busting my butt to save my castle?! NOT WHILE I’M HERE!!!
Bowser starts ripping a tree out of the ground.
Bowser: Grrr… Heavy tree…
Meanwhile, inside Bowser’s body…
Chippy: Look, guys! A reaction in Bowser’s body!
Mario and Luigi head toward the arm for… A MINI-GAME!!!
M14: Okay, let’s make this quick. I let you skip this the first time, but due to budget raisings and multiple bribings, I have to make you do this. Hit the colored orbs in correspondence to the Brother, green for Luigi, red for Mario. Have fun.
MINI-GAME GO!
Mario and Luigi start hammering the colored balls.
Mario: This is a piece of cake!
M14: Oops, I forgot. Since you skipped it the first time, I have to speed it up.
The colored balls start moving faster.
Mario: WOAH!
Luigi: GACK!
Mario and Luigi start straining themselves to hit every colored ball as they come at 3 times the speed that they started going at.
M14: Hit the big one to end this stupid mini-game. If you miss… YOU HAVE TO DO IT AGAIN!!!
Mario: … Crud.
5 big orbs start coming at the Bros. at high speeds.
Mario Bros: WHAAAA!!!
Mario and Luigi start swinging their hammers at warp speed and just barely manage to win the mini-game.
Outside, in the overworld…
Bowser: GRAAAAAHH!!!
Bowser uproots the tree and uses it as a bridge to get to the Goombas.
Bowser: All right, slacker-Goombas! Prepare to be freed!
Bowser breaks the cage and frees the Goombas.
M14: Great job, Bowser! You just got a Special Attack!
Bowser: What? Special Attack?
M14: I’m not going to explain. Get someone who likes explaining things.
M14 walks off with a chainsaw (Yet another forest-destroying joke!), and a Fawfulcopter flies in.
Fawfulcopter: I have the annoyance! You are as persistent as those bad red and green mustaches! NOW YOU STOP!
Two Treevils fall from the sky and engage battle!
-----------------------------------------
SHOWTIME!!
Bowser-
HP: 120
SP: 15
--VS.--
Treevil (x2)-
HP: 95
FIGHT!!!
Bowser uses Goomba Storm! 17/20 set on fire! 15/15/15/15/15/15 damage to Treevil #1! KO! 15/15/15/15/15/15 damage to Treevil #2! KO!
Remaining 5 Goombas: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- *SPLAT*!!!
The remaining Kamikaze Goombas die from the impact of the fall. BOWSER WINS!
BATTLE OVER!!
--------------------------------------------------------------
The Treevils die and Bowser continues onward. After a while he sees a Paratroopa, a Goomba, and a Shy Guy pulling a Banzai Bill Launcher.
Goomba: I CAN’T GO ON! LEAVE ME TO DIE!
Shy Guy: Oh quit whining. We’ve only moved it, like, two feet. Barely anything.
Paratroopa: SHUT UP, BOTH OF YOU! Pull or I press the button. Then all the grocery stores will BURN!!!
Goomba: *GASP* Not the button! Our families need that food!
Shy Guy: WHAT WOULD BOWSER DO?!
Bowser: HEY! YOU! Death threats are my thing! Plus, I like that. WWBD. I should put it on bracelets and stuff and sell it.
Paratroopa: *gulp* B-B-B-Bowser! W-What are y-you doing h-h-here?
Bowser: AS SOON AS WE GET MY CASTLE BACK, YOU GO TO THE DUNGEON FOR STEALING MY MOTIVES!
Paratroopa: Y-yes s-s-sir.
Bowser: Hey… I remember you! You guys are Private Goomp, Sergeant Guy, and Corporal Paraplonk *under his breath* who I hate. *out loud* What are you doing here?
Goomp: We came to capture you and shove you in a safe- err… fire off a Banzai Bill that’ll hopefully kill the guys who stole your castle! Yeah, that’s it!
Guy: Paraplonk is mean. Can we kill him now?
Bowser: Not until our scientists develop an inexpensive way to build an electric chair or acid boiler! I love those things, but catalogs overprice ‘em.
Goomp: We need a Banzai Bill. Let’s all split up and find one!
Bowser: OH NO, YOU DON’T! I’LL FIND IT, YOU GLORY-HOGS!
Bowser walks off. When he’s out of view of his minions, he sticks an iPod in his um… ears(?) and presses play.
Bowser: (singing) I’d like to be, under the sea, in an octopus’s garden, with you!
Bowser stops to see a sign: “Wiggler’s Garden”.
Bowser: Hmm… Octopus’s garden, Wiggler’s garden… Close enough.
He enters the garden, where he’s greeted by a small Wiggler.
SW: Hi, scawy monsterm’n! Awe you hewe to buy our dewishous cawwots to help us keep our fawm? We’re bankwupt and we need the money, monsterm’n. Pwease help us…
Its eyes turn red and it grows fangs.
SW: *demonic tone* OR DIE A SLOW, HOWWIBLE, PAINFUL DEATH.
Bowser recoils in horror and the li’l Wiggler returns to normal.
Bowser: … Um, okay?
SW: Hooway!
It runs behind a big rock and Bowser heads forward into the next area of the garden.
Bowser: Hmm… I wonder where the Banzai Bill is… HOLY CRUD THAT’S A GIANT CARROT!
A big Wiggler wearing a tourguide uniform appears.
BWWATGU: And this is the legendary MEGA-CARROT that has been growing here, folks.
Bowser eats the mega-carrot.
Bowser: *mouth full* Maybe it’s down here…
Wiggler: …. #$%^*@#$%^!!! YOU ATE A CARROT THAT’S BEEN GROWING HERE FOR 100 YEARS! YOU DIE NOW!!!
---------------------------------------------
SHOWTIME!!!
Bowser-
HP: 120
SP: 15
--VS.--
Wiggler--HP: 540
Segment (x4)
--FIGHT!!--
Bowser uses Bowser…PAUNCH!! Segment 1 turned yellow!
Wiggler used Run-Around! Bowser punched Segment 2! Segment 2 turned yellow!
Bowser uses Bowser…PAUNCH!! Segment 3 turned yellow!
Two Leaf Guys fly in with a Mega-Turnip!
Wiggler uses Tackle! 13 damage to Bowser!
Bowser HP: 107/120
Bowser uses Inhale! Bowser sucks up the Leaf Guys! The turnip hits Wiggler! All body segments yellow! Wiggler is vulnerable!
Meanwhile, inside Bowser…
Mario: *sigh* So… bored…
Luigi: When will something exciting happen?
The Leaf Guys fall on top of Mario and Luigi. BATTLE ENGAGED!!
-----------------------------------------------
Mario-
HP: 50
SP: 20
&
Luigi-
HP: 50
SP: 20
Mario: Oh, darn. The codes wore off.
VS.!!
Leaf Guy (x2)--HP: 52
FIGHT!!
Mario uses Jump! 21/13 damage to Leaf
Guy #1!
Leaf Guy #1 HP: 18
Luigi uses Jump! 20/14 damage to Leaf
Guy #2!
Leaf Guy #2 HP: 18
The Leaf Guys use Charge! Mario counters,
but 17 damage to Luigi! 17 damage to Leaf Guy #1!
Leaf Guy #1 HP: 1
Luigi HP: 33/50
Mario uses Jump! 21 damage to Leaf Guy #1! KO!
Luigi uses Jump! 20 damage to Leaf Guy #2! KO!
Back with Bowser…
Bowser uses Goomba Storm! 19/20 Goombas
ignited! 7/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20/20 damage
to Wiggler!
Wiggler HP: 153/540
Wiggler uses Charge! Bowser counters!
Wiggler HP: 140/540
Bowser uses Bowser…PAUNCH!! 92 damage
to Wiggler!
Wiggler HP: 48/540
Wiggler uses Charge! Bowser counters!
Wiggler HP: 1/540
Bowser used Bowser…PAUNCH!!! 92 damage to Wiggler! KO! Bowser wins!!!
BATTLE END!!
---------------------------------------------------------
Wiggler: You’re a meanie! Go away!
Wiggler kicks Bowser into the next room.
Bowser: Heheheheh… Good thing he didn’t see me grab THIS!
He holds up a Banzai Bill. Then he gets a weird look and starts grabbing his stomach.
Bowser: Urrrrrrgh… PAIN!
Chippy: What’s up? Got a stitch because you’re out of shape?
Bowser: SHUT UP! MY STUMMY HURTS!!! FIX IT OR THE SHROOM-LAX GOES DOWN!
Chippy: Meep. Okay, I’ll fix it!
The Bros. and Chippy travel down to Bowser’s Nerve Cluster, where they see a giant Birdo-Wiggler thing.
Chippy: Uh, yeah, we have to kill you or the guy we’re inside is gonna flood us out with Shroom-Lax.
B-WT: *purposefully weak* Roar.
Luigi: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
Luigi runs away, but runs into a Biffudus. He is bounced back into the Birdo-Wiggler thing.
-----------------------------------------------------
BATTLE START!!!
Mario-
HP: 60
SP: 35
&
Luigi-
HP: 60
SP: 35
VS.
Durmite-
HP: 386
FIGHT!!!
Mario uses a Fire Flower! 56 damage
to Durmite!
Durmite HP: 330/386
Mario SP: 31/35
Luigi uses a Super Bouncer! 14/14/14/14/14
damage to Durmite!
Durmite HP: 260/386
Luigi SP: 28/35
Some Biffuduses appear!
Biffudus #1 uses Rush! Mario counters!
Biffudus KO’d!
Biffudus #2 uses Rush! Luigi counters! Biffudus KO’d!
Biffudus #3 uses Rush! Mario takes damage!
Mario HP: 51/60
Biffudus #4 uses Rush! Luigi takes damage!
Luigi HP: 55/60
Durmite uses Silk Spit! Mario is hit!
Luigi is hit! Both Bros. take damage!
Mario HP: 30/60
Luigi HP: 36/60
Mario uses a Nut! 20 HP to both Bros!
Mario HP: 50/60
Luigi HP: 56/60
Luigi uses a Yoo-Who Cannon on Durmite!
Luigi-14/14/14/14; Mario-15/15/15/FAIL.
Durmite HP: 159/360
Durmite uses Charge on Luigi! Luigi
counters! 12 damage to Durmite!
Durmite HP: 147/360
Mario uses a Jump Helmet! 52 damage
to Durmite!
Durmite HP: 95/360
Luigi uses a Green Shell! 14/15/14/15/14/15
damage to Durmite!
Durmite HP: 8/360
Durmite uses Tackle! Mario counters!
Durmite HP: 0/360. DURMITE KO! Mario
Bros. win!
Leveling up, and all that. BATTLE END!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Durmite shrinks down to the size of Mario’s shoe and runs away.
Mario: That was fun. Let’s go, Luigi!
Why did Li’l Wiggler act like that to Bowser? Why were the Wiggler’s ancestors wasting their time growing a carrot? Why is Paraplonk so mean to Goomp and S. Guy? Why was Luigi scared of the Durmite’s stinkish roar? Okay, that’s an easy one… even you could guess that. How did Bowser grab the Banzai Bill without the Wiggler seeing? And most importantly… WHAT’S WITH THE SHROOM-LAX?! Geez, be patient!
To Be Continued...
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