Chapter 3: Those Guys That Want Magic Back
Wario, Popple, and Vivian are exploring Saw Mountain and notice some shadow hopping around the place.
Vivian: Who is that?
Popple: I don’t know, but look at that!
They notice a fatter shadow jumping around until it reaches the exit.
Vivian: Wow, that… wasn’t really funny.
The gang follow. The fat shadow is actually Blue Clubba.
Wario: Who are you?
Clubba: I’m Grubba Jr, and I say that you have to die!
Wario: Why?
Grubba Jr.: You have the same crazy eyes as your brother who’s better than me!
Wario: Waluigi? He’s alive out here?!
Grubba Jr.: Bears! Attack!
Grubba Jr. throws Teddy Bears at Wario.
Wario: Nooo! Help! Get them off!
Vivian/Popple: …
Grubba Jr. punches both of them into the wall while they’re not looking.
Grubba Jr.: I win! I win!
???: Not so fast!
Waluigi jumps down, wearing a bear suit over his normal clothes.
Vivian: Another one?
Grubba Jr.: Not so fast yourself, Waluigi! I challenge you to a duel!
Waluigi: Hey, what’s that?
Grubba Jr.: That’s not gonna-
Waluigi throws a Bob-omb at Grubba Jr., blowing him up. Wario throws the Teddy Bears off of him.
Wario: Waluigi, you’re alive! And just as twig thin as the day you left! … So you decided not to work out?
Popple: Or to mention your backstory with Grubba Jr.?
Vivian: Or to take off that suit?
Waluigi: What backstory? And what suit?
Everyone Else: …
Waluigi: What?
Wario: So Waluigi, you still owe me that money. And Popple, you owe me, ‘cause you said Waluigi wouldn’t win the fight.
Popple: But we didn’t bet! Oh fine, I’ll just steal it back later.
Wario: What was that?
Popple: Nothing.
Waluigi and Popple pay Wario.
Wario: Vivian, I don’t want you to feel awkward so… you pay me too.
Vivian: I’m gonna say no.
Wario: Awww! Whatever… Hey Waluigi! We’re gonna go to the cave nearby, so you have to help us!
Waluigi: Why do I?
Wario: Because if you don’t I’ll pound you!
Waluigi: But I learned cool new fighting moves to beat you! Multi-Punch!
Waluigi tries to punch Wario, but Wario catches it and pushes it back.
Wario: Lies! You haven’t trained at all!
Waluigi: I have so!
…
Waluigi: … Say, where are those other guys that were with you?
Wario/Waluigi: … OH CRUD!
They chase after their friends that went off without them. They make it to the cave at the back of Saw Mountain. Oh and Waluigi is out of his bear suit now.
Piranha Plant: Hi guys!
Popple: *sigh* Hi, STEVE… Now let us in!
The Piranha Plant ducks back into his pipe and the gang is allowed to pass into the cave.
Vivian: Who are all these people?
Wario: This is the hideout of Those Guys That Want Magic Back.
Vivian: That’s seriously your name?
Wario: I’m sorry, questioning our name will cost you-
Vivian sets Wario’s sleeve on fire.
Wario: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Vivian: I wonder if I meant to do that or if it was an accident…
He starts running around. A Goomba carrying a TV on its head walks up to the party. It sets the TV down.
Vivian: Who’s that?
Popple: The master!
Vivian: That Goomba?
Popple: No, he just carries the master around. The master is in that TV!
Popple turns it on. It’s Jigsaw!
Jigsaw: I am Master Jigsaw, leader of Those Guys That Want Magic Back.
Vivian/Waluigi: SERIOUSLY?!
Jigsaw: Yes… Vivian, I’d like to play a game with you. You see that plot over there? If you choose to participate in it you’ll get all the answers and freedom you want – IF YOU SURVIVE! If not, everyone will die! Choose carefully…
Vivian: Uh-huh…
Waluigi: What about me?
Jigsaw: I’m sorry, who are you?
Waluigi: I’m Wario’s brother!
Jigsaw: Sorry, he never mentioned a brother. I can’t be too sure you are who you say you are.
Waluigi: …
Thwomp: (speaking incredibly fast)
Vivian: What was he saying?
Jigsaw: It’s terrible! The Sub-con Empire is taking over Diamond City!
Popple: What do we do?
Jigsaw: You go and stop them somehow and then meet Vivian, Wario, his brother, if that IS his identity-
Waluigi: …
Jigsaw: -and I at Fahr Outpost, where we’ll tell Jarvis all about this.
Vivian: Not Jarvis again!
Jigsaw: Yes Jarvis! And that’s not all! We’ll ride a raft through the Midas River and you’ll have to keep me alive!
Vivian/Waluigi: Noooo!
Jigsaw: And there’s more! You’ll have to choose the directions we take! So we could be totally lost for hours!
Vivian/Waluigi: AAAAAAHHHHH!!!
Jigsaw: Now go get Wario and we’ll hop on the rafts.
Popple: Aww, I wanted to be part of the action…
Popple walks off, pouting. Meanwhile Vivian and Waluigi pour a bucket of water on Wario and they all head to the raft.
Waluigi: Why do I have to carry the TV?!
Jigsaw: Silence!
And so, Vivian, Wario, Waluigi, and Master Jigsaw are cheerily riding on the raft with the happy Midas River music playing.
All four: Wheeee!
A Giant Blooper comes out of the water.
Giant Blooper: BLASRGLARKEJ;K!
All Four: AAAAHHHHH!!!
Gooper Blooper: It’s me, Gooper Blooper! Watch out, I’m gonna target that TV!
Jigsaw: Someone stop him.
Wario farts in the river.
Gooper Blooper: Oh that’s just uncalled for!
He notices Vivian.
Gooper Blooper: Say, after the fight’s over wanna catch dinner?
Vivian: Ew!
Gooper Blooper: Oh you’re all just JERKS!
Waluigi: Time to prove my fighting skillZ!
Waluigi leaps up to attack Gooper Blooper.
Waluigi: AIAIAIAIAIAIAIIIII!!!
Gooper Blooper punches him with his tentacle, sending him flying.
Waluigi: NOOO!!! LOOKS LIKE WALUIGI’S BLASTING OFF AGAIN!
Vivian: Should we be worried?
Wario: Nah, if he’s survived this long in the world by himself I’m sure he can do it some more.
Gooper Blooper: Uh, I’m still here. And you’re still hot.
Vivian: And you’re still disgusting. FIERY JINX!
She fries Gooper Blooper.
Gooper Blooper: AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
He dives back underwater and the raft starts moving again.
Vivian: … Now what?
Jigsaw: We must continue to Fahr Outpost.
Wario: What about Waluigi?
Jigsaw: Eh, he’ll be fine.
And so the raft eventually reaches the northern shores, and Vivian and Wario have to lug Master Jigsaw’s TV all the way to Fahr Outpost.
Wario: Why does it take one Goomba to carry you but two of us?!
Jigsaw: Silence nonbeliever! Now faster! Faster I say!
Soon the two make it to Fahr Outpost.
Bob-omb 1: Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh-oh-oh! That witch is back!
Bob-omb 2: Oh no! Oh no! Oh no-no-no! We must tell-
Vivian sets them all on fire, causing them to explode.
Jigsaw: … Well that made things easier for us. Except we’ll have to tell their families.
Wario: What? You have people kill themselves all the time!
Jigsaw: Secretly I die on the inside.
Wario: Uh-huh…
Soon the three make it to Jarvis’s house.
Jarvis: Oy! Da girl and da king o’ Diamond Casle ‘imself! And Jigsaw!
Jigsaw: Hello Jarvis. It’s been a while.
At the same time, let’s go see what Popple’s up to.
In Diamond City, a cardboard box is sneaking around. Popple comes out of it.
Popple: Hmm… What do I do again? … Forget it, I’ll just take stuff.
Popple walks into a bar.
Rowf: Hey Popple!
Popple: Who told you my name?!
Rowf: It’s in your speech boxes.
Popple: Darn it. Give me your shirt and mask so no one will recognize me!
Rowf: No way!
Popple beats him down and takes the stuff.
Popple: Serves you right.
Popple walks out and notices a Tweeter.
Popple: That’s even better!
Popple, having his name be the first word for the fifth time in a row, steals the Tweeter’s mask after beating him up.
Popple: Now I look like Rowf AND a Tweeter at the same time! … Weird. I should probably find a way out of here and back to Fahr Outpos- HEY! A bank! Score!
Popple goes into the bank.
Popple: All right, see?! This is a stick-up! I’ll be takin’ that! … I need to be saying that a lot more than I have been-
Bank security knocks him out and puts him in an underground room. He soon wakes up.
Popple: Ow…
*POW! BAM!*
Male voice: Take that!
Female voice: NOOOO!
Popple: Holy shmoly! What’s going on?!
Fortunately the Tweeter guards left Popple’s door unlocked, so he simply sneaks out and is able to peek into the room.
Popple: Well that was anticlimactic.
A Tweeter is beating a pink dinosaur thing with a snout and bow at Smash Bros. Brawl.
Tweeter: Now if anyone asks, I poked you with my trident and you’ll be executed tomorrow.
The Tweeter ties the pink thing up and walks out. Popple sneaks in.
Thing: A merchant?
Popple: Me?
Thing: No, behind you.
Morshu: Lamp oil? Rope? Bombs? You want it?
Popple: Oh… Who are you?
The world turns dark, except for the thing.
One of the Sub-con Army’s generals, except that she turned good. Figures. It’s always the female one that defects to the good side.
(Name)
B-I-R-D-O
Birdo: I’m Birdo!
Popple: I see.
Suddenly Birdo realizes something.
Popple: What? What’s with that look in your eye?
Birdo: I love you.
Popple: And I’m gone-
Birdo: No, please save me! My magic sword can help you stop Sub-con’s army!
Popple: Okay. But aren’t you one of his generals?
Birdo: No, I defected. Something about Fawful trying to mercilessly kill all the people in Mushroom Castle and stuff like that.
Popple: … I should’ve noticed…
Popple unties her.
Popple: Now for that magic sword that I will… uh, NOT steal… Yeah that’s it.
Birdo: I lied.
Popple: Dang it! Whatever, let’s just leave…
Birdo: But I’m too weak to move!
Popple: What are you talking about? You’re at max HP!
Birdo: Crud.
Popple and Birdo sneak out of Diamond City, never noticed once by the guards. They eventually make it to the Diamond Cave.
*REEEEEEEEE!!!*
Popple: What on Plit is that noise?!
Birdo: It’s the Magnus Von Drill!
Popple: What does it want?!
Birdo: It’s gonna drill through the mountain to make it easier to mine for things that the Sub-con Empire wants!
Popple: I thought it was the Sub-con Army.
Birdo: Either or… My love.
Popple: Knock if off! Let’s just destroy it!
Popple and Birdo come outside and notice the Magnus Von Drill.
Birdo: Oh no! It’s a black and yellow-colored one! It can use magic to kill us!
Popple: And?
Birdo: My would-be sword could’ve blocked it!
Popple: So now what do we do?!
Birdo: Don’t worry, I brought my Magic Sponge! It absorbs magic and we can squeeze it out back at the enemy!
Popple: … Of course… That makes perfect sense… *cough*weirdo*cough*
Magnus Von Drill shoots a Thunder Bros. beam at the party, but Birdo absorbs it with her sponge and squeezes the attack out and it flies at the drill.
Birdo: Its defense has been lowered!
Popple: Now to destroy it!
Popple climbs up and jams his knife into the controls.
Shy Guy: Not cool, dude. Not cool.
Popple: Oh what do you know?
Popple starts climbing all over the drill, breaking off any piece he can so he can sell it online for money.
Birdo: Are you done yet, handsome?
Popple: I don’t love you! And yes. Let’s go to Fahr Outpost.
Birdo: Sure thing, Popply!
Popple: … This is gonna be a looong walk…
And so Vivian, Wario, and Jigsaw made it to Fahr Outpost! Popple and Birdo are on their way! But what happened to Waluigi?
Cudge: I don’t know.
Chapter 4: Waluigi’s Crazy Weekend
Waluigi washes up on a shore.
Waluigi: Ow… I can’t believe it… I’m introduced to the story and about ten minutes later I get kicked out of the party… Say, that’s a nice house. I wonder if they have any money I can use to pay my brother…
Waluigi goes inside and notices a fat Yoshi with a white feather on his head.
Old Yoshi: GET OUTTA MAH HOUSE!
Waluigi: AAAAH!
He runs out the door. He notices P.T. throwing his mini Chain Chomp at the tree.
P.T.: C’mon, we’re not leaving until we get all the leaves!
Waluigi: Who are you, mister?
P.T.: I’m just some guy that the fat Yoshi mistook for a yard maintenance guy. But I’m bored so I’m doing it anyway.
Waluigi: And I don’t care.
Old Man from the first Zelda game: It’s dangerous to go alone.
Waluigi: He’s right. Can you take me to Fahr Outpost?
P.T.: Oh sure, just let me grab my magic carpet.
Waluigi: You have one of those?
P.T.: No, but we have feet. We’ll have to go on a very long and out of the way route to get there.
Waluigi: Awww!
P.T.: Now let’s be careful. The Grim Reaper’s always following me.
Waluigi: Is that a way of saying that you lead a dangerous life and that death could come and get me if I travel with you?
P.T.: No, that’s what I named my pet.
Waluigi: Ah.
Chomp (Grim Reaper): Bark!
Waluigi: Wait, if you’re like that ninja guy, wouldn’t it make more sense to bring around that ghost dog from Luigi’s Mansion that you said you got?
P.T. covers Waluigi’s mouth and looks around!
P.T.: SHHH! (whispering) The walls have ears!
Waluigi: …
And thus the two tall guys journey. Their journey, riddled with many “are we there yet” questions, leads them to a desert. But not just any desert… Sub-con’s Imperial Camp!
Waluigi: Uh-oh! We walked right into their base!
P.T.: We did? I blame you for this!
Waluigi: But you led me here!
P.T.: Why would I? I don’t even know who you are! Stop following me!
Waluigi: What?! Oh forget it. Hey, look at those soldiers!
Dimentio: This is awful! I should’ve been in the role Fawful has! I’m perfect for it! But they said “Noooo! You were the big bad guy last time! You can’t do it two times in a row!” I ought to sue them!
Midbus: LORD FAWFUL IS OF GREATNESS! HE SHOULD BE DOING THE OVERTAKING OF THE EMPIRE!
Dimentio: You are a suck-up much like my vacuum. I hate General Mario but not as much as Fawful for taking the perfect role from me!
Fawful flies out of a tent on his rocket platform.
Fawful: I have fury! How much longer must we have waiting before the Mushroom Kingdom does the surrendering?! I have boredom!
Midbus: GENERAL MARIO SHOULD BE HAVING NEWS!
Dimentio: … (I hate you, Fawful. And your little pig, too.)
Fawful flies away. Midbus and Dimentio follow. Meanwhile at Mushroom Castle…
Toad 1: What do we do about those Sub-con guys? Someone has to stop them!
???: I’ll do it!
An aged Toad with a cane walks out of the bathroom. The world goes dark around him so you know he’ll be a main character.
The royal retainer that’s rumored to have great strength and power. But in his youth he was a janitor so we really can’t be too sure.
(Name)
T-O-A-D-S-W-O-R-T-H
Toad 2: Toasdworth, are you sure about this?
Toadsworth: Why not, Master Toad 2? These rapscallions cannot have their way with us!
Toad 1: Rap what?
Toadsworth: Tally ho!
Toadsworth runs outside.
Mouser: You finally giving up?
Toadsworth: Never!
Mouser: Then have some bombs!
He throws bombs, but Toadsworth jumps up and smacks them all back at Mouser with his cane, blowing the enemy up. All the Tweeters and Shy Guys run away. Meanwhile…
P.T.: Why have we been standing here for the past few minutes?
Waluigi: You’re supposed to be taking me to Fahr Outpost!
P.T.: Where’s that?
Waluigi: … Hey look! It’s General Mario!
A guy with a red hat and mustache as well as overalls and a yellow cape walks out of a tent.
Shy Guy: General Mario, we’re ready to beat up the guys at Mushroom Castle.
Mario: No.
Shy Guy: … You sure about that?
Mario: Nah, we can probably just talk it out. Less people will die then.
A light shines down on Mario with a chorus. Waluigi and P.T. stare in awe, as does the Shy Guy.
Waluigi/P.T./Shy Guy: He’s so nice!
A Boo flies up to Mario.
Boo: General Mario, we just got word that my friends Dry Bones and Greaper were warped out of our dimension by a plot device in the first chapter! What do I dooooo?! WAAAAAAH!
Mario: It’s okay, we’ll get through this together.
Cue the same light and chorus.
Waluigi/P.T./Shy Guy: So nice…
Then Mario, Boo, and the Shy Guy walk away.
P.T.: He seems nice.
Waluigi: Yeah…
Midbus walks up to Mario.
Midbus: GENERAL MARIO! THE EMPEROR IS HAVING NEWS OF URGENCY I AM TO BE DELIVERING TO THE GENERAL OF MUSTACHIOEDNESS!
Mario: Well?
Midbus: MARIO MUST BE RETURNING TO THE PALACE AT A TIME OF PRESENT!
Mario: Okay. Just tell that freak Fawful not to go crazy.
Mario pulls out a Red Star from Super Mario Galaxy and flies back to Sub-con. His yellow cape is for decoration, not flying.
Waluigi/P.T./Shy Guy/Boo: He can even fly!
Midbus: MUAHAHAHAHAHA! FAWFUL! THE POISON MUSHROOM BREW IS HAVING READINESS!
Fawful: I have chortles! That fake message to be getting rid of the fink-rat of red mustache to be leaving was having success!
Waluigi and P.T. jump out from behind a rock.
P.T.: Not so fast… uh… whoever you are!
Waluigi: We’re gonna stop you!
Fawful: Fawful will not be having stoppedness!
Waluigi: That hardly even sounded cool!
Waluigi punches Fawful.
Fawful: I have pain! Fawful flees!
Fawful runs away because the punch knocked him off his platform. Waluigi and P.T. follow him.
P.T.: Duckduckduckduckduckduck-
He punches Fawful.
P.T.: GOOSE!
Fawful: Pain!
Waluigi and P.T. are gaining on him.
Waluigi/P.T.: PAUNCH!
Fawful: I have fury! Midbus! Have them stalled!
Midbus: YES, LORD FAWFUL!
Midbus grabs them both by their collars. Meanwhile Fawful runs off to the river. There’s a barrel near the water.
Fawful: The Poison Mushroom Brew should be having the game over effect on the people who are having residency in the castle of Mushrooms, whom I hate!
Fawful pours a barrel of Poison Mushroom Brew in the water.
Fawful: YAAAY! I have chortles!
Soon the poisonous waters reach Mushroom Castle. A skeletal Spongebob crawls out of the river.
Dry Spongebob: HELP MEEEE!!!
Toads: OH NO!
They all die from poisoning.
Toadsworth: You’d think they’d be smart enough not to drink purple water, old bean.
Toad 1: I’ll say. Say, I’m thirsty. You go warn the princess and I’ll go quench my thirst.
He starts drinking from the river.
Toadsworth: …
The retainer goes to the throne room, but it’s too late.
Toadsworth: OH NO! PRINCESS!
Princess Peach: Poison…
Toadsworth: Oh Princess! Why didn’t you have the Royal Food Taster taste it?! I mean, his job says “food” taster but really he also covers drinks!
Peach: I… did… But… he said it… was okay… to drink…
Toadsworth looks to the Royal Food Taster.
Toadbert: What can I say? I found it to have a rather fizzy taste myself, by boogity. … Say, the princess is pretty much dead, you should check on your family.
Toadsworth: … OH NO!
Toadsworth runs to his family’s room.
Toadsworth: NOOOOO!!!
Toadsworth’s Wife: The… Poison Mushrooms…
Toadsworth: No! I don’t even know how you drank the river if the poison JUST got here, but still! Wait… Junior!
He’s lying dead on the bed. Hey, that rhymes! See? Even humor can be found in tragedy!
Toadsworth: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-
Toadbert’s voice: Keep it down, by boogity! I’m going through Peach’s pockets to find the keys to the treasure vault!
Toadsworth: …
He runs outside.
Toadsworth: KILL! I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU! YOU WILL ALL DIE! DESTROY! DESTROY! BLAAAAAAAAGHGDKDH!!!
He starts running around, swinging his cane and foaming at the mouth.
Shy Guy 1: Should we be worried?
Shy Guy 2: Nah, our Mecha Yoshis will help us.
Meanwhile, Waluigi and P.T. have beaten up Midbus. They casually walk until they notice Toadsworth fighting the Shy Guys and their Mecha Yoshis.
P.T.: Wow, that little guy sure is funny to watch.
Waluigi: He sure is.
Toadsworth: HELPETH ME!
Waluigi/P.T.: Awww…
The two go over to the scene, pick up rocks, and throw them at the Shy Guys, knocking them out and thus deactivating the Mecha Yoshis. Two more come, operated by Tweeters.
P.T.: We’re out of boulders!
Waluigi: I have bombs!
P.T.: *in the movie version of Bowser’s voice* Bob-omb…
Waluigi throws the explosives at the enemies and destroys them and their machines.
Waluigi: Okay, old guy, we can’t keep babysitting you, either join the party or we’ll leave.
Toadsworth: Okay, fine!
Waluigi: Well maybe we should just look for a way out instead. Like that!
The gang notice three spare Mecha Yoshis. Waluigi hops on no problem. P.T. hops on backwards. Toadsworth is sitting on its head instead of its back.
Waluigi: …
He flips a switch and it starts running around like crazy. Toadsworth does the same and has a harder time hanging on. P.T. can’t find the switch because he’s on backwards.
P.T.: Man, why’d I get the different one?
Waluigi and Toadsworth’s are running insanely.
Waluigi/Toadsworth: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!
When they reach the exit, they flip the switches down and go flying off. P.T. rides on a tricycle to catch up to them.
P.T.: This is hard!
Tweeter: So, you think we should stop them?
Pidgit: … Nah, we’ll just say they were too fast for us.
Waluigi, P.T., and Toadsworth are on the overworld now.
Toadsworth: … Now what?
Waluigi: I’m looking for a way to Fahr Outpost. The idiot here was supposed to lead me there, but I think he has no clue what’s going on at all.
Toadsworth: Well pretty much everyone I have known has died within the last fifteen minutes. Can I go with you, Master Waluigi?
Waluigi: I’ve never been a master before! And I never told you my name! But sure! HEY! OTHER GUY! THIS GUY’S GOING WITH US!
P.T. looks up from poking a rock with a stick.
P.T.: Okay, Mommy.
Eventually they’re taken to Boo Woods.
Waluigi: How much longer is this path going to be?!
They keep exploring until they find a train.
Waluigi: A train?
Toadsworth brushes off dust on the side.
Toadsworth: The “Excess Deathspress”?
Waluigi: Whoever named that train hopefully never operated any machinery.
P.T.: Mommy, can we go ride on the train, please? You never let me ride on trains!
Waluigi: For the last time, I’m not your mom! And this train’s ancient, it probably doesn’t even work!
Toadsworth: Maybe someone from Mushroom Castle survived though! C’mon!
Toadsworth drags the two younger men into the train. The door locks behind them.
Waluigi: That can’t be good.
The train starts going.
Waluigi: That really can’t be good.
Intercom: Welcome to the Excess Deathspress! Don’t worry; our trip to the Underwhere shall be a short one! Everyone remain calm and the Aftergames will be but a few hours away. When in the Underwhere, be sure to speak to Queen Jaydes so you know whether or not you can enjoy the Overthere.
Waluigi: … And that’s just flat-out terrible. THE TRAIN THINKS WE’RE DEAD!
P.T.: Does that mean we’re ghosts?
Waluigi: No-
P.T.: OOOOoooOOOH! I’m a ghoOOOOooooOOOOoosst!
Waluigi: But-
P.T.: I’m going to haAAAaaauUUUuunt yooOOOOoouuuUUUuu!
Waluigi: … Ya done?
P.T.: For now… Maybe…
Waluigi: This chapter’s already going on longer than the previous one, so we gotta find a way off of this train.
Toadsworth: Let’s just find the controls at the front.
Waluigi: Good idea.
The group head north until they reach the dining cart. A Boo with a headband and long hair greets them.
Boo: WELCOME TO MCDONALD’S!
WE’VE GOT APPLE PIES!
WE’VE GOT EVERY FRY YOU
LIKE, INCLUDING SUPERSIZE!
WE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT
YOU SUE, WHENEVER YOU GET FAT!
IF YOU’VE GOT THE MONEY,
HONEY, WE’VE GOT ALL OF THAT!
AT MCDONALD’S, WELCOME
TO MCDONALD’S WOULD YOU LIKE SOME MORE CH-CH-CH-CH-CHEESE? CHEESE?
AT MCDONALDS, WELCOME TO-
Waluigi punches him and knocks him out.
Toadsworth: Thou art a savior among men.
P.T.: Quite.
Waluigi: Waiters have always been my worst enemies.
They continue to the rooms in front and find a ? Block in a cabin. Waluigi is about to strike it when a blue version of Mario with red eyes and a large paintbrush comes in.
Shadow Mario: No way, that’s mine! HYARGH!
He hits all three characters with his brush but it hardly hurts. Grim Reaper leaps out of nowhere and bites Shadow Mario.
Shadow Mario: OW!
He runs away.
Waluigi: … Well that was easy.
Everyone goes to the front of the train.
Train: SO… YOU’RE GOING TO STOP ME FROM FINISHING MY ROUTE? I DON’T THINK SO…
Suddenly all the characters are in front of the Excess Deathspress, being chased toward the Underwhere. Except P.T. is riding the tricycle again. None of them are in great shape (lazy bums) so they’re sort of out of breath.
P.T.: This is even harder!
Waluigi: Guys… I think… I can… lift this train… and throw it!
Toadsworth: For serious?!
Waluigi: Just… watch me!
Waluigi turns around and stands still.
Waluigi: COME GET SOME!
Waluigi’s hit by the train.
Waluigi: Ow.
P.T./Toadsworth: …
Toadsworth: I have an idea…
Toadsworth pulls a 1-Up Mushroom out of his pocket and throws it at the train. It immediately stops and Waluigi falls to the ground in front of the train.
Waluigi: If my brother asks, I nailed that thing.
Toadsworth/P.T.: No.
Waluigi: Aww…
Soon the gang is inside a cabin.
Intercom (Train’s voice): If you hadn’t figured it out, when the intercom was speaking earlier it was me in a higher voice. Hold on, I just need to pick up some people.
Soon the train stops. Waluigi, Toadsworth, and P.T. get off.
P.T.: So did we all three just die for a short time?
Waluigi: No, the universe just thought we did.
Toadsworth: NOOOO!!!
He notices all of the Mushroom Castle residents boarding the train. He rushes over, knocking Waluigi, P.T., and an Elvis impersonator off the platform.
Toadsworth: UNNAMED WIFE! JUNIOR!
Unnamed Wife: Toadsworth, we’re going to the Underwhere now, and then hopefully the Overthere. Good luck with living.
Junior: Bye Daddy!
Toadbert is also seen boarding the train.
Toadbert: Oh, hey Toadsworth. Funny thing. The doctor says my stomach was made with some kind of delayed reaction thing and it took me a while longer to succumb to the poison, by boogity! So yeah…
Everyone’s on the train now and it leaves. Later Toadsworth is sulking.
Waluigi: … Should we talk to him?
P.T.: I thought it’d be funny if we ditched him and then he’d wonder where we are.
Impersonator: A thankya vereh much.
Waluigi puts his hand on Toadsworth’s shoulder.
Waluigi: So Toadsworth… I know you had a big loss, but… we kinda have to get to Fahr Outpost.
Toadsworth: Master Waluigi… How could you be so selfish?!
Waluigi: Oh good, you’re not sad anymore then. Let’s go!
Waluigi drags Toadsworth out of the forest, with P.T. and the impersonator running along.
Impersonator: Bee-boppa-loopa!
Waluigi: (Why are we bringing him along…?)
The next morning they all make it to Plack Falls.
P.T.: That should take you to Plack Beach on the Bumpsy Continent. Now I’m gonna leave the party.
Waluigi: Why exactly?
P.T.: Because me and this guy need to go randomly start a band.
P.T. and the impersonator jump into a warp pipe.
Impersonator: Rock Star has left the building!
Waluigi: So that’s his name.
Toadsworth: We must continue. Our chapter is still being drawn out longer!
Waluigi: Right!
Toadsworth and Waluigi jump off the cliff and down the falls. They make it to Plack Beach. A green dinosaur walks up and notices them.
Dinosaur: ?
The world goes dark around him.
A small dinosaur child that was thrown out onto Bumpsy Plains by his own father so that he may live his life among the monsters as part of a foreign exchange program. Or so he was told.
(Name)
Y-O-S-H-I
Yoshi: Yoshi hungry.
Waluigi and Toadsworth wake up.
Yoshi: Aww…
Yoshi runs off.
Waluigi: That was weird.
Toadsworth: Monstro Town should be nearby, we can stock up there and look for information.
They cross Bumpsy Plains, which is filled with familiar foes (like Cowboy Jed), and reach Monstro Town. There are random creatures living there and the Postman from Majora’s Mask running around the whole town.
Waluigi: Hey, you know how to get to Fahr Outpost?
Mr. Thwompson: No. I’ve been watching Koops and Koopie Koo staring at each other.
Toadsworth: Why?
Mr. Thwompson: Secretly I’m very lonely.
Waluigi and Toadsworth back off slowly.
Mrs. Pokey: You hear about the Koopatrol in the house right there? He got injured fighting the Sub-con Empire!
Waluigi: That’s too bad… Say, does anyone have any USEFUL information?
Goomfrey: I’ve got some. Throw a watermelon out into the opening to draw out a Yoshi and then throw your Pokeball at it to capture it.
Toadsworth: But the game that this story is based off of isn’t Pokemon.
Goomfrey: Then I can’t help you.
Eddie the Mask: No, he was right about the watermelon. Just ignore the Pokeball part.
Waluigi: I see. Where do we get a watermelon?
Eddie: Right here.
He pulls one out of nowhere.
Waluigi: That was… oddly easy… C’mon Toadsworth, this place gives me the creeps.
They go out into Bumpsy Plains.
Cowboy Jed: It’s me, Cowboy Jed! I’ve got Blue Shells with yer names on it! Yee-HAW!
Waluigi throws a watermelon at Cowboy Jed, knocking him out. Yoshi comes up and starts eating it.
Waluigi: You! You travel with us now!
Yoshi: Yoshi not want travel! Yoshi want watermelon!
Toadsworth: I’ve got another idea. Say, Master Yoshi? Can you tell us how to get to Fahr Outpost? Cold town? Snow? Bob-ombs?
Yoshi: … Yoshi.
Waluigi: So he IS a Pokemon?
Toadsworth: … You, Master Yoshi! Me Toadsworth! Him Master Waluigi! Can Master Yoshi take Toadsworth and Master Waluigi to snowy city?
Yoshi: Me not Master Yoshi, me Yoshi!
Toadsworth: It’s my impediment. I must call everyone that’s not me, “master”, and then their name.
Yoshi: … Master Waluigi and Toadsworth follow Yoshi!
Yoshi runs off.
Waluigi/Toadsworth: *sigh…*
They soon follow him into a cave. He digs up a fishbowl.
Waluigi: Cool.
Yoshi pulls Toadsworth and Waluigi together and stuffs the fishbowl over all three of their heads.
Waluigi: I can’t breathe!
Toadsworth: Since I’m the shortest, I’m hanging in the air!
Waluigi: Yoshi’s in control so my legs are being dragged on the ground! This is awful! How do we fight enemies like this?!
Yoshi ignores them, runs out of the cave, and jumps into the water where the Sadim Current is carrying them.
Yoshi: Wheee!
Waluigi and Toadsworth: AAAAAAH!
The gang wash up on the shores of Seaside Town. The helmet broke and they’re scattered about the harbor.
Toadsworth: Ow…
Waluigi: Ouch…
Yoshi: That fun…
Townie: Say, you folks looking to get a ride to Diamond City? From there it’s a short walk to Fahr Outpost.
Light and a chorus appear on him as Waluigi has sparkles in his eyes. He crawls over to him, hugs him, and cries.
Waluigi: YES! THANK YOU! *sniff* I’VE BEEN WAITING… FOR SO LONG! YOU CAN’T IMAGINE ALL THE STUFF I PUT UP WITH *sniff* JUST TO HEAR THAT! WAAAAAAHHH!!!
Toadsworth: He had a long weekend.
Townie: Then to Diamond City we go!
And Waluigi is finally making his way home.