Doopliss Hearts

By E-Man

Prologue – Dive to the Strange Platforms in the Middle of Nowhere

Doopliss is floating on his back in some type of teal-tinted void.

Doopliss (I’ve been having these weird thoughts lately… Like, for example, did I leave the door to the fridge open? What is the name of that thing at the end of a shoelace? … Wait a sec… I don’t wear shoes! … Oh well! I also want to know if any of this stuff is real or not!

Doopliss lands on a beach and sees Octorock near the water. Octorock extends one of his four tentacles as if he wants to grab Doopliss by one of the flaps of the sheet, which serve as his hands. Doopliss runs up to the octopus-like creature with sunglasses to try to gab him by the tentacle, but a wave comes in and submerges both characters. Octorock stands as he did before the wave came to the shore, while Doopliss struggles to get close enough to his friend. Unfortunately, Doopliss is a poor swimmer and is washed away by the strong undertow.

He then finds himself on a dock overlooking the ocean. Doopliss then turns around to see another Duplighost standing on the beach. She has a pink sheet, blue eyes, blond hair, and purple feet. The Duplighost girl waves at Doopliss with one of her flaps of sheet that serve as her hands, and gets a look on her face that shows she really likes the party hat-wearing Duplighost. Unfortunately, Doopliss is kind of embarrassed by this and shows no sign of affection towards the girl as he backs away from her.

Suddenly he and the girl Duplighost spot a meteor shower and a clone of Doopliss falling out of the sky and landing in the ocean. Doopliss is so shocked by this that he loses his balance on the dock and falls into the ocean. However, he just keeps on falling and doesn’t make a splash in the water, as if it isn’t even there. Doopliss eventually falls into a dark void and lands on a platform that appears after a flock of Goonies emerge from the location where the platform would be. On the platform is a picture of Pauline with a bunch of mini toys like the ones made in Mario’s Toy Factory.

Doopliss: Wow… Now there’s something you don’t see everyday… What’s the deal with that cutscene, anyway?

Mysterious Voice: There is so much to do…

Doopliss: Eh?

Voice: There is so much to do…

Doopliss: Who on Plit are you?

Voice: There is so much to do…

Doopliss: What the Underwhere are you talking about?

Voice: There is so much to do…

Doopliss: You’re… You’re… YOU’RE JUST FREAKING ME OUT, MAN!

Voice: There is so much to do…


Voice: There is… Oh forget it! I can’t seem to make the dramatic effect I’m looking for…

Doopliss: JUST SHUT UP YOU… Wait… Did you say something else?

Voice: Uhhhh… Maybe?

Doopliss: Whatever… Look… Can ya return me to my island and stuff? Besides, I have better things to do than listen to a numbskull who can’t say anything other than “there is so much to do”.

Voice: I’m sorry, but I can’t do that for you right now.

Doopliss: … Let me guess… I’m supposed to say “please” to get you to help me, right?

Voice: Actually, that’s not it at all…

Doopliss: Okaaaaay… Then what the Underwhere do I have to do in order to get back to my island!?

Voice: I’m your master now, so if you want to return to your island, you have to do everything I command you to do!

Doopliss: Why should I obey some disembodied voice I have never met in my life? Ya gotta give me an extremely good reason why I should at least listen to anything YOU have to say to ME!

Voice: Uhhhhhhh… I’ll give you candy?

Doopliss: Does the fact that Duplighosts don’t need to eat and are unable to eat anything mean something to you?

Voice: All right… How about some money?

Doopliss: How much?

Voice: Five coins.

Doopliss: Hate to break it to ya, but I’m not dealing with cheapskates!

Voice: Fine… I’ll let you have one of these awesome weapons.

Just then, three different types of weapons appear on the platform. One of these weapons is a hammer, another one is a Magikoopa wand, and the last weapon is a Koopa shell.

Doopliss: Woah! Sweet!

Voice: As an added bonus, I won’t even ask you to choose a weapon that will sacrifice some of your power!

Doopliss: … Come again?

Voice: Nothing! Just nothing! … So… Aren’t you going to choose your weapon now? There’s the ham-

Doopliss: Done!

Doopliss is already holding the weapon of his choice: the Magikoopa wand.

Doopliss: I would have picked the hammer, but it reminds me of-

Voice: Let me guess… Mario, right?

Doopliss: Nah… Slick isn’t anything to be scared of… It’s that girl who thinks I’m her boyfriend… She… gives me the creeps… *shudder*

Voice: Oh… I see… Well, I kind of wish that you could have at least considered choosing the Koopa shell… Nobody seems to pick something that boosts defense anymore…

Doopliss: Yeah, yeah… Cry me a river… Say… Did you happen to interrupt me when I was about to explain why I didn’t choose the hammer?

Voice: Like you didn’t interrupt me when I was explaining the weapons?

Doopliss: Meh… Fair enough… All right, what do you want now?

Voice: You got yourself a new weapon, so why don’t you try it out?

Suddenly the platform Doopliss is standing on shatters to pieces. This causes Doopliss to fall deep into the dark abyss. He then lands on a platform similar to the one he was just on. However, this one has a picture of Princess Shokora on it.

Doopliss: Another platform?

Voice: Do you have a problem with that?

Doopliss: Well…

Voice: Anyway, I’d better get you started with some combat.

Just then, a completely black Goomba with yellow eyes appears in front of Doopliss.

Voice: Be careful with this foe.

Doopliss: Relax! It’s just a Goomba! A good bop on the head should do this runt in!

Doopliss jumps high into the air and is about to land on the Goomba’s noggin. However, the Goomba sinks into the ground and reappears in another spot on the platform. This causes Doopliss to land face-first on the platform.

Doopliss: Oooooohhhh… Oooooowww…

Voice: Well, I told you to be careful.

Doopliss: Yeah… but I didn’t think that Goomba would be different from any other Goomba…

Voice: Were you thinking that you could fight all Goombas the same way regardless of color?

Doopliss: That’s how it is in Slick’s first game where he had to deal with that fatso, Bowser, and in several RPG games.

Voice: What about the Headbonk Goombas from Super Paper Mario?

Doopliss: Drat! Forgot about those guys!

Voice: Anyway, if you want to fight a Goomba like this one, you should try using that spiffy new wand I gave you.

Doopliss: Of course! A little magic should put this pest on ice! … And if this thing does ice magic, it should be literal!

Doopliss tries waving the Magikoopa wand around, but nothing seems to happen.

Doopiss: Shoot! No dice!

Voice: Uhhhh… I think you should just smack the Goomba with the wand instead of trying something that you can’t even do yet.

Doopliss: Meh… All right… However, wouldn’t smacking the Goomba with a seemingly fragile wand cause it to break or something?

Voice: Don’t worry! I’ve seen Magikoopas physically attack with their wands all the time, so I know it’s a good idea!

Doopliss: Huh?

Voice: Just trust me…

Doopliss: Okay… But if this thing happens to break, you’re getting me a new wand that actually does magic!

Voice: …

Dooplss smacks the Goobma with the wand and it instantly dissipates into darkness.

Doopliss: Sweet! It works!

Voice: What did I tell you? Now go take care of the rest!

Doopliss: The rest?

Suddenly, more of those shadow Goombas appear on the platform.

Doopliss: … This is NOT my day!

After defeating the shadow Goombas, a portal of darkness appears under Doopliss and pulls him in. He then ends up on another platform with a picture of three hearts on it.

Doopliss: You never get tired of these platforms, do you?

Voice: Well… Uhhhh… Anyway, why don’t you look behind you?

Doopliss: Why? So you can play a trick on me? … Listen here, bub, I’m the one who should be pulling the pranks around here.

Voice: … Just look behind you…

Doopliss looks behind himself to find a beautiful, transparent door. He tries to open it, but it won’t budge. As he tries to open it, an item block appears behind him.

Doopliss: Well… That was a waste of time…

Voice: Have you checked behind you?

Doopliss looks behind himself again to find the item block that just appeared.

Doopliss: Ho-ho! What do we have here? … Finders keepers!

Doopliss jumps up in the air to hit the item block. However, he doesn’t seem to get anything from it.

Doopliss: Are ya trying to rip me off or something?!

Voice: Actually, that block wasn’t meant to hold any item …

Just then Doopliss notices a crate falling from the sky.

Voice: It was meant to make that crate appear.

The crate lands on top of Doopliss and shatters into several wooden planks. Doopliss emerges from the planks slightly dazed.

Voice: … Although it wasn’t meant to land on top of you…

Doopliss furiously shakes his head to snap out of the daze.

Doopliss: You think that’s funny, do you?

Voice: Actually, I think it’s rather hilarious!

Doopliss: …

Voice: … Uhhhhhh… Whoops! Sorry! … Ummmm… Why don’t we move on to barrels now?

Doopliss: If you’re planning on “accidentally” dropping any barrels on me, then no thanks!

Voice: Actually, that one time when the crate landed on you was a fluke. Let me try this again…

A barrel falls from the sky and lands on another part of the platform away from Doopliss… However, the barrel shatters upon impact.

Voice: … Ummmmmm… I’m sorry for the inconvenience and the waste of your time… You may enter the door now…

Doopliss: About time!

Doopliss enters the now-solid door and finds himself on the beach of a tropical island. On the pier are Kooper, Goombaria, and Parakarry.

Doopliss: Hey! I’m back on Lavalava Island! … And look! Those are-

Voice: Are they your friends?

Doopliss: What did I say about interrupting me? … To tell you the truth, these are just a bunch of guys who apparently live on the same island as me… and sometimes do some of the same stuff I do…

Voice: Why don’t you go talk to them? I’m sure they have very interesting questions they wish to ask you.

Doopliss: Are you kidding me? These guys ask the most pointless questions! … But… Whatever… I’ll ask them anyway…

Doopliss approaches his “friends”.

Doopliss: Uhhhhh… Hey, guys… Do you… uhhhh… have anything you want to ask me?

Kooper: What are you so afraid of?

Doopliss: Wha? Of all the pointless questions you ask, why did you have to as-

Parakarry: What do you want outta life?

Doopliss: What in the world are you talking about, Para-

Goombaria: What’s most important to you?

Doopliss: Hey! You guys are freaking me out! VOICE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO THEM?!

Voice: … Just answer the questions…

Doopliss: All right already! Sheesh! Can’t a Duplighost get freaked out every now and then?! … I’m afraid of getting old, I want to see rare sights, and I wanna be number one!

Voice: Congratulations! You start your adventure in the morning! You’ll level up fast as you defeat bad guys, until you reach a high level. When that happens, you’ll level up slowly… Of course, that doesn’t really matter since this is only a fan fiction. Anyway, thanks for giving away some of your personal information to the illusions I made, so I can use it to determine how you’ll “level up” and give me something to post on a blog about the secrets of Mario characters!

Doopliss: Illusions? Blog? … Wait… What?

Suddenly the island and Doopliss’ “friends” fade away and Doopliss ends up on a platform with a picture of Luvbi on it.

Doopliss: Ohhhh… Now I get what ya mean by an illusion… But why the Underwhere did you send me to a fake version of Lavalava Island instead of another one of these platforms?!

Voice: What? I thought you would appreciate the break from these platforms by going to a place you’re familiar with.

Doopliss: Well… Now that you mention it, I kind of di-

Voice: Hold that thought! You have a few more Shadow Goombas to fight!

Doopliss: What did I tell ya about in-

Just then, a group of Shadow Goomba appear on the platform.

Doopliss: Nice… I really do have my work cut out for me… *sigh* Looks like I need to use that wand again…

Doopliss pulls out his Magikoopa wand again and smacks all the Shadow Goombas on the platform. When they have all dissipated into darkness, a Paper Mario Save Block appears above the very center of the platform.

Doopliss: Perfect! Once I hit this, I won’t have to deal with all this nonsense again if I ever happen to get a game over!

Doopliss jumps high in the air and hits the save block.

Doopliss: Great! It didn’t even set off anything that would ruin my day! … Odd… I feel strangely refreshed…

Voice: That’s because the Save Blocks in this fan fiction are able to return you and your party to full health if you happen to hit them.

Doopliss: Heh… That’s good to know… Say, what do you mean by “party”? Don’t tell me a bunch of weirdoes are going to travel along with me!

Voice: That’s beside the point! Now go climb that stairway and fight the boss on the next platform!

Doopiiss: Stairway? What stairwa-

Suddenly a stairway made of stained glass appears in front of Doopliss, leading up to another platform.

Doopliss: Ohhhhhh… Darn it! I really should get used to the fact that objects that are vital to my adventures always tend to appear out of nowhere!

As Doopliss climbs the stairway, each of the steps Doopliss stepped on disappears.

Doopliss: THE STAIRS!

Voice: Don’t worry! The stairs usually have a habit of disappearing when you climb up them. Just worry about getting to the platform and fighting the boss there.

Doopliss: All right… But would happen if the stair I’m standing on dis-

Before Doopliss can finish what he is about to say, the step he is standing on disappears.

Doopliss: Crud…

Then the step reappears. Doopliss sighs with relief now that he knows that he isn’t going to fall.

Voice: I forgot to mention that the stairs also tend to be real tricksters sometimes.

Doopliss: Oh, a couple of pranksters, huh? … Heh… Not only did they risk my game with their prank, but they’re also trying to pull a prank when I should be the one pullin’ pranks around here! … How cute…

Voice: … You were being sarcastic, weren’t you?

Doopliss: What do you think, genius?!

Doopliss continues to climb the stairs until he’s finally on the next platform. This platform has a picture of Peach and Bowser on it. There is also a ray of light shining down on the platform.

Doopliss: All right… I’m up here, so where’s this boss I need to fight?

Voice: Why don’t you try looking down?

Doopliss: … If this is going to be one of those bosses that is going to be much smaller than I am, then that’s going to be pretty sad.

Doopliss looks down to see… nothing but his own shadow.

Doopliss: … If the boss is going to be smaller than an atom, I’m going to just skip this pointless battle…

Voice: Actually, the boss you’re about to fight is going to be created from something that has been following you throughout your life.

Just then, Doopliss’ shadow emerges from the ground in three dimensions.

Doopliss: Oh… So I’m going to have to fight my own self, huh? … Heh, looks like the tables have turned on me…

Then his shadow transforms into a shadow version of Goomboss.

Doopliss: … How about that? It even has the ability to shape shift just like me… Charming…

Voice: Never mind that! Defeat the boss!

Doopliss: All right… It looks like I have to pull out the crystal- topped bad boy… hopefully for the last time…

Doopliss pulls out his Magikoopa wand and hits Shadow Goomboss multiple times over the head with it. During the fight, Goomboss summons some Shadow Goombas to help him fight Doopliss.

Doopliss: Huh? If he’s supposed to be the dark version of me, then why can he summon Goombas?

Voice: Less talking! More fighting!

Doopliss stops attacking Goomboss so he can dispatch the surrounding Goombas. After he defeats the Goombas, Doopliss leaps high into the air and delivers a critical blow with his wand to Goomboss’ head. Unfortunately, this causes the crystal on the tip of the wand to shatter into pieces.

Doopliss: See?! I told you this thing could break if I use it to smack things! Now get me a new one!

Voice: Actually, you’re probably not going to need it anymore…

Doopliss: Wait… What?

After suffering Doopliss’ final blow, Shadow Goomboss gets ready to collapse onto Doopliss.

Doopliss: … I should be thankful I hit that save block before I came all the way up here…

Then Goomboss falls onto Doopliss…

To Be Continued...

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