Chapter 1: A horrid dream, a messy apartment, and a business call
Gold, that's what there was. Gold, lots of gold on the floor, golden statues, golden chairs, and golden chandeliers; everything was made out of or was gold! Except for that short, stubby, and chubby man on the mighty, golden throne. He looked like the famous and heroic Mario, except shorter, fatter, and with a differently colored shirt, hat, and overalls.
Instead of a nice little M on his cap, there was a big, ugly, blue W. He also had two elf-likes ears with ear goo in them. His big, dark, purple nose had a black, wickedly twisted moustache attached to it that the man's greasy glove twisted even more. Another difference was that this man's pair of gloves had the same big, blue, ugly W from the hat on each one. The final difference was that he had green, sharp shoes.
If you haven't deduced by now, this person is none other than Wario, Mario's sneaky, crafty, strong, and greedy cousin from Sicily, but he sure acts like he was born in America. Riding motorcycles, eating on the streets, being grouchy and greedy… well, I'm not sure that's what makes him an American, but I'm sure Wario doesn't act like a Sicilian.
Anyway, there Wario was, laughing like a hyena and looking at all of Mario's former treasures. He yelled in amusement, "Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I finally got what I wanted! It took me five years but I got what I wanted, ah, ha, ha, ha!!!" He laughed even harder than before as he slowly calmed down. Then there was just silence, until Wario heard a little rumbling…
At first Wario didn't really seem to mind, as he just drank his glass of coffee, until the rumbling became even louder and more effective.
Wario then got off of his throne and went to see what was causing that entire ruckus. Wario looked through his telescope, but only found the dark, moody clouds that swirled about every day. But then, Wario saw a figure rising on the horizon. He could barely see the textures because it was so far away. But it was this figure that was walking very loudly, as the whole castle was falling to bits from its footsteps. Then Wario realized the figure was MARIO!
"What?!" cried Wario. "That's IMPOSSIBLE! It's only been six hours! How could he possibly have ALL of the golden coins?! HOW COULD HE?!" Wario then sprinted around the room in a circle like a madman! But then, he zoomed for the nearby golden treasure chest.
Then a gold pillar came thrashing down on Wario, who had just grabbed a Fire Flower from the chest. "What the- WOW!" yelled Wario as he quickly dodged the crashing pillar! Wario ducked again as the other pillar suddenly came crashing down. Then all the golden statues started to fall apart, and all the coins fell through a hole that suddenly appeared. All the portraits, medals, and gold melted to goo as Mario blasted in, getting bigger as he came near Wario! Mario then held out his hand and blasted Wario. "AHHHH!" screamed Wario as he dissolved to dust.
Suddenly Wario woke up, screaming his head off, as the alarm clock rang as well. "Ahh shut up!" said Wario as he knocked the clock off the desk and onto the floor.
"Ugh," said Wario. "What a night." Wario got out of his bed, which had some breadcrumbs in it and smelled of garlic, and looked at his apartment.
Let me just say, if you are a man who liked clean rooms, and especially if you are obsessive compulsive, don't even look at the door that leads into this room. Why? Because, it is FILTHY! FILTHY I tell you, FILTHY!
There are moldy socks on the floor, the air and smell are completely filled with garlic breath, and some can’t help but hear cockroaches in the walls. Plus there's barely enough room in the apartment for two. Really, one room is the living room, dining room, and kitchen. Basically, the room has a mini fridge, a 5ft table with two chairs, a 4ft-wide torn up couch, a little TV on a box, and a door. The second room has a 3ft-tall bed, another little TV, a lamp, and a plate with moldy garlic on it. Of course, this is the bedroom where Wario is.
As Wario was cleaning up the plate with garlic, his phone rang, playing this ringtone. Wario sighed, and picked up his phone, which was on a desk, and pressed the call button. "Wario here," said Wario. "What do you want?"
"What’s up, W-Man?" said Jimmy T. on the other side.
"Hey Jimmy," says Wario, grinning. "What’s up?"
"Nothing good, man," says Jimmy. "We got another complaint from one of our customers."
"Ah, come on!" says Wario. "Can't you guys take care of ANYTHING there while I'm gone?!"
"Apparently no," said Jimmy.
Wario slapped his left hand on his face, then said as he pulled his hand away, "I'll be there."
Wario hung up the phone, then zoomed towards the door. "I’ve gotta fix this again, before-" started Wario, until he realized, he only had on an undershirt and underwear on. "Maybe, I should dress up first…"
Wario went back to his bedroom and headed to the big desk. He opened the lid, revealing this to be the place where his clothes were kept. Wario then got out two outfits, one being his traditional yellow and purple outfit including the cap, and the other being a biker outfit with a yellow helmet that had the ugly blue "W" on it but in a small size. This outfit also had a pink shirt, a blue torn-up vest, blue pants, and a pair of brown shoes. "Hmm," said Wario, "which one should I pick?"
After five seconds of looking at both clothes, Wario then decided, saying, "I'll go with my classic plumber look." So Wario threw the biker outfit on the floor and got in his plumber outfit.
After two minutes, Wario was standing proudly but still very tiredly, with everything on him: yellow shirt, purple overalls, and yellow cap. "It's on." Wario yawned, walking out the door. Wario closed the door behind him and began walking towards his ride.
Wario’s apartment isn’t built inside
like regular apartment buildings; no, this one is so second rate, it’s
built like a cheap Motel 6 ripoff.
But that was fine for Wario, he didn’t care. Besides, it was faster to get to his ride, which was parked about 6 feet from him. After Wario approached his ride, which as a matter of fact was a very beaten up, rusted motorcycle with the bumper almost ripped off, he heard a grouchy, demonic-sounding grunt from behind him. “Hello,” the man said, “Wario.”
Wario turned around to face his landlord, an old, thin, hunched man of average height that would make Wario himself look handsome. “Mr. Fielder,” Wario said. “What an unlucky pleasure.”
Mr. Fielder grunted again. “Where’s my $750, Wario?”
“$750? The rent is $100.”
“It did, 6 months ago!”
“Ok, ok, so I haven’t been paying up lately, but I’m going to give it to you soon.”
Mr. Fielder then cackled very nastily. “Sure Wario,” he said, “sure. You know, I’m going to be very happy when I’m finally able to kick you out."
“You know something,” Wario said, “I’ve been here for a while now and I’m starting to ask why I don’t kick myself out.”
“Just give me the money!” Mr. Fielder hissed and walked off.
Wario got on his motorcycle, put the key in, and started the engine up. The smelly aroma of gasoline swept through Wario’s nose, and Wario sucked it in and breathed it out like it was air. Wario then adjusted his side view mirrors and drove out of the apartment building parking lot and onto the street.
The thick morning breeze felt like a relaxing shower on Wario’s face, and made him fully awake. Wario at first added a bit more speed, then began to slow as he was approaching his store, called “Wario’s MEGA Store!!!”. It was housed in a building that was 6 feet tall, with 5 windows on the top and 5 on the bottom. It also had, in big letters, “Wario’s MEGA Store!!!”, but the letter I, O and the entire word Mega had been stolen by thieves so it now read “War Store!!!”
Wario parked in his parking spot and
turned off his motorcycle. He got off the motorcycle and headed inside
the door, which was nearly torn off but had some screws in it.
Chapter 2: A refund, a lawsuit, and one nutcase with a stupid map. Yippee!
Now some might ask, when they enter, what to expect of Wario’s Mega Store. Basically, it’s the Wal-Mart from the abyss! There are millions of screaming 4-year-olds and mothers who mostly wear sweatpants and cheap exercise outfits. The floors are either wet or they’re not, you have to be careful where you step since there aren’t any wet floor signs. The kids’ aisle was also pretty screwed up: the boys section has things like chainsaws, knives, guns (“They REALLY Work!” say the sticker crudely put there by Wario), lots of TNT, Playboy magazines (“For Big Boys!” say another set of stickers crudely put there by Wario), and razors; while the girls section has poorly made lipstick, used Barbie dolls, broken combs, and brawls (“For Big Girls!” say another round of stickers crudely put there by Wario). There are also only 2 checkout aisles, and each is always full - mostly with complaining customers!
Wario was walking to a small section in the store called “The Complaint Area”. It had been setup 4 days ago to stop the complainers from overflowing the checking area. As Wario walked in, there were 3 people sitting on the same bench. One was a man who was constantly rubbing his back, another was a woman about in her late 30’s holding a Barbie doll, and the final one was an old man with a white beard and grasping a piece of parchment.
“I know, huh?” said a man behind Wario’s back. Wario turned around to face him.
“Hey, Jimmy” Wario said. “I thought you said there was one.”
“Well there was only one when I called,” said Jimmy, “but the man rubbing his back came in next, and then the woman came in.” Wario sighed as he approached the first person…
“Hello sir,” Wario sighed. “What’s your complaint?”
“There was a crack in the floor” the man said. “I stepped in it, tripped, twisted my ankle, and fell on my back!”
“But I don’t see-” Wario then looked at the man’s ankle, which was very red. “Oh,” Wario said. “Sorry, sir, but we are not responsible for your injuries.”
“What are you talking about?! It was YOUR store that caused-”
“Yeah whatever,” Wario said, heading to the next one,
“You’ll hear from my lawyer!!!” yelled the man,
Wario sighed as he approached the woman. “Hello Miss,” Wario said, “may I help you?”
“Yes, um” the woman said, “this Barbie doll I got for my daughter is acting up.”
“What are you talking about?” Wario said, taking the Barbie doll. He pulled the string and the Barbie, instead of saying stuff like “Hi I’m Barbie!” said, “Sup, I’m Barbie, who the ---- are you?”
Wario threw the doll away. “Sorry Miss,” Wario said. “We’ll get you a replacement.” After a minute Wario gave the woman a new Barbie doll (which she had to double pay for, of course), then headed to the last person.
“OH!” said the first guy. “So you can take care of toy issues BUT NOT A STINKING INJURY?!”
“Shut -up” said Wario, then he muttered, “Sometimes I think I’m a fool for doing this crud.”
“You’re only a fool if you give up, man,” said the old man.
“Excuse me?” said Wario.
“I’ve heard of you, Wario. You’re the one whose down on his luck, yes, the one who has to sustain himself in a godforsaken apartment because he has nowhere else to go, yes?”
“Uh, yeah, how’d you know that?”
“That doesn’t matter. What does matter is the chance to escape from your burden. I have come into possession of a map…”
The old man then opened the parchment he was holding, revealing it to be a map.
“A map that reveals Kitchen Island! An island made out of food!”
“An island made out of food,” Wario repeated skeptically. “You do know that makes you look nuts, right?”
“But it’s true!” said the old man. “It’s more true than anything that is truthful! I’ve been there myself!”
“Uh-huh,” Wario said. “Sure you have, sir.”
“Fine!” said the old man. “Don’t believe me! But please take the map.”
The old man then gave Wario the map, and before Wario could give it back, the old man had left the store.
Wario sighed as he looks at the map. Suddenly he saw something that sparked his interest. Right there, at the far right of the map, was a statue - but not just any statue; this one looked vaguely familiar. But Wario couldn’t place it, as he then put the map in his pocket.
Jimmy T. then walked up to Wario. “Well,” said Jimmy, “it’s about time for the switch.”
Wario looked at Jimmy. “What are you talking about?” Wario asked. “We only worked for about 6 minutes, or less even.”
“No. You only worked for about 6 minutes or less even, we’ve been working for about 4 hours.”
Wario sighed. “Fine,” Wario said, getting out an intercom microphone. “Attention all staff. It is time for the daily switch, so please all staff working head to the lounge while the others who aren’t working fulfill your shift.”
In a few minutes many staff members kept walking to the stairs that led to the top floor and to the work stations. Wario, Jimmy T, and a couple others went to the elevator. Wario pressed the up button and after a few seconds they were finally on the top floor. Wario got out first and the others got out second.
Wario and Jimmy T. then walked to the lounge. Wario opened the door and they went inside. Inside the lounge were 10 other staff members, a coffee maker, 2 TVs - one with a Wii built into it - and a fridge mostly full of drinks. Jimmy T. went to the fridge and got out 2 Bud-Lights. Jimmy went over to Wario and gave him one.
“No thanks, man” Wario said. “I’m not in the mood.”
“Ok,” Jimmy said as he put that one away and opened his. “So,” Jimmy said after a gulp, “what does that map say?”
“This?” Wario asked, getting out the map. “It’s just a stupid map, that’s all. However, there is one part that’s weird…”
Wario then pointed to the statue. “That face looks familiar. I just don’t know who it is.”
Jimmy looked at the map, then gave Wario a look. “Are you serious?” he said,
“What?” Wario said.
Jimmy got out a picture from his pocket. Wario looked at the picture. It was Princess Peach. But then something clicked in Wario’s head. He looked back at the statue on the map. He then realized that it was a statue of Princess Peach!
“Now that’s something you don’t see every day,” Wario said.
To Be Continued...
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