If you have selected this Fun Fic with the intention of experiencing a pleasant ending, I must politely suggest for you not to read this at all. For not only there is not a happy ending, there is not a happy beginning, and very few if any happy things in between. I apologize for this and I wish that I may be able to tweak and edit or otherwise completely change everything in such a way to make everybody happy, but alas if I should do such a thing (however noble that act will be), I would be reporting a lie. It is my unfortunate duty to investigate, scrutinize, and promulgate my studies, and any editing of my research will disrupt any shred of actuality. Consider this your final warning. Turn back and do not read this report-- ever! I seem to remember a rather engaging tale on this very same website that details a rather extensive but humorous rat race that involves princesses, dogs, cats, plumbers, and way too many talking turtles. But alas, if you should insist on disregarding my cautions, then I will start this gloomy report.
Our story begins with our good friend Princess Peach, who was fast asleep... or at least trying desperately hard to be. Princess Peach, quite frustrated, woke for the third time that same night. She's been having difficulty getting herself to rest lately but she dared not share her complaints with any of her servants so as not to arouse any unnecessary concerns, particularly from that of Toadsworth, her grandfather.
There was nothing during that starry night that would suggest to anybody why she’d had such a challenge falling asleep and being kept in her dreams.
Oh, how she adored that last vision!
Reality began to blur back to her and her precious memory of her dream faded away, as she suddenly realized that she had a scorching headache. She nonchalantly took a generous amount of Aleve pills she’d deliberately placed on her bedside table before she went to bed. A strange side effect, these migraines were.
Feeling completely confident that she absolutely could not pass out, she took the opportunity to get a late night's fresh air on the balcony, after she pulled on a night cloak and covered her head with the hood (She wouldn't be caught dead with bed hair!)
She slumped on her tea chair and glanced indifferently across the landscape...
I apologize but I must interrupt our story to detail the view our protagonist is witnessing. A bird's-eye view of Mushroom City suggested the entire city is organized in three boroughs: City, Town, and University, all of which (including the Castle Grounds) divides the entire city into four unequal sections. As a whole, the city presents an inextricable network of streets entangled strangely. But still, it was apparent that these three fragments of a city formed but one body.
If one should stand and witness the city from Peach's view, they would easily see the busy streets of the city north of them and the quiet provincial town in the northwestern hemisphere (Peach could not see this part of the city in the darkness). The University, however, cannot be seen from Peach’s balcony, although the University itself is just to the west of the castle.
But regardless of how intriguing these channels may be, Peach was apparently interested in something far more beyond than her city... even her own country.
Because of the late hour, she could not see her object of interest with her naked eye, but she was absolutely sure that it was still standing there... that large, luring, gothic, dark architecture built literally at the edge of a cliff. The common folks who reside in the town frequently call this particular area the “Ends of the Planet”. According to my research, this area is more commonly called Bowser's Castle.
lowered her head and closed her eyes in deep thought. She could feel the
medicine kicking in.
"Bowser..." she said to herself.
"Bowser... it's been ages." She sometimes felt silly talking to herself like this. However, sometimes when one is discouraged, they find comfort in voicing their thoughts openly to themselves, which I’m sure some of you readers have probably done so yourself.
"I wonder if something has happened. You've never gone so long without trying to kidnap me. You've been so quiet that Mario took a two-week vacation... without me. Bowser... don't you... don't you miss...?"
Suddenly, Peach slammed both her hands on her tea table, causing the leftover plates that her servant forgot to pickup after to crash and shattering the entire tea set. Peach was panting now.
"No!" she yelled, alarmed.
"What am I doing? What have I done? This is CRAZY. Absolutely crazy! How can you think like that, young lady? You're ENGAGED! It’s so undignified to dwell on the past... The medicine's just getting to me, yup. Just the medicine."
Nodding her head in gentle approval of her logic, she strolled back inside and slid back the door.
From that, and the overwhelming wave of the drugs, she floated back to her dreams, where she was at peace once more.
"Princess Peach?" a servant from the other side of her door kindly asked.
Peach was too busy brushing her teeth to respond.
She spit out her toothpaste. "C'mon in, it's open!" she hollered over the rush of running water.
A Toadette patiently walked over to Peach's bathroom. She smiled cordially at her. "Good morning, mam'm!" she gleamed, as all Toads seem to do.
"His Grace requires your presence in the drawing room."
"Grandfather needs me? Is something wrong?"
"I'm not quite sure myself," Toaddette responded, still smiling despite the potential of a displeasing meeting.
Peach sighed. "All right. Dismissed."
Toadette bowed and walked out of the chambers.
She knew it was impolite to do so, but she couldn't help but get an instant headache every time Toadsworth came into the picture. She had half the nerve to bring her Aleve bottle with her.
She decided against it, just this once.
Once she appeared at the drawing room, she instantly caught on that she was not alone as she usually was for these meetings. Yoshi's light-blue cousin, Skye, had seated himself right next to the princess' cousin, Daisy, who at once gave her a warm, welcoming smile. Even Luigi, who looked strangely nervous, sat at the lone end of the crescent table.
Of course, there was no red plumber.
"Ah!" Toadsworth alarmed from his favorite spot on the table. "My lovely granddaughter." He smiled at her, as if there was indeed anybody in that room who was not acquainted with her already.
Princess seated herself next to Daisy at the far end. As depressing as it was to see Luigi across the table by his lonesome, she strangely felt that it was only more natural this way.
Almost immediately after Peach sat herself down, her cousin openly grabbed her left hand and studied the engagement ring in awe.
Toadsworth cleared his throat to begin the meeting; when it was apparent that Daisy absolutely refused to release Peach's ring hand, he gave up and commenced.
"As some of you might be already aware..." Toadsworth said, glaring at Daisy, who was still not giving Toadsworth the light of day, "Princess Peach was proposed to last month. We are pleased to acknowledge that she has accepted the proposal."
Princess Peach bit her tongue. I do not know what exactly she was thinking at this point, but I can professionally conclude that Peach was highly annoyed by this false statement, for she strictly speaking had not accepted the marriage. Her grandfather had. In my studies, I have gathered an enormous amount of information on the relationship between our lady and a plumber. I must admit that I also do not know the exact relationship between the two or why this plumber hadn’t proposed to Peach. However, if the Mushroom Kingdom’s government runs the same as her neighbors I can assume that the Mushroom Kingdom follows a particularly strict royal protocol.
1.) The princess
cannot marry anybody outside of royalty.
2.) The princess cannot marry anybody that her parents or royal guardian do not approve of.
3.) The princess cannot marry anybody of a different species (such as a Koopa or a Yoshi).
4.) If the princess’ parents or guardian approves of a marriage, the princess must marry that person regardless of the princess’ acceptance or doubts.
So assuming that I am correct, that instantly leaves our friendly plumber out from the first.
But I digress. Back to my gloomy tale:
"Peach, may we see your ring?" Toadsworth asked.
"Right here, Papa-T!" Daisy exclaimed. Peach looked at her hand. She never noticed that Daisy had pulled it off.
Toadsworth took the diamond and gently placed it in the ring box. "Such a lovely gem. He picked out the perfect ring there, don't you think? A perfect ring for a perfect match!"
“Yes, it’s a nice ring,” Peach was forced to admit.
Toadsworth smiled, pushed off his high-chair, and strolled across the meeting room floor. "It is family tradition that we have the engagement party right here at the castle. But of course we can't have a party without a groom, that’s just silly. But what with all this cloning nonsense going on we need to have the ring with us to prove our identity."
In case some of the readers are unaware, there were some hackers in the magical study that found a forbidden art to transform your physical appearance into that of someone else for a set period of time. This art was founded rather recently relative to the time of this story, so recent was it that the art was still being investigated on how to prosecute those who should cast it.
It’s a simple charm—all that was required was the other person’s DNA—a hair, a blood sample, even a handprint would be enough.
Toadsworth cleared his throat. "That's where you come in, Yoshi. I've prepared a cart outside the castle and we shall depart off to Prince Snow's palace to pick him up, as he is unaware of this party. Do you accept this, Yoshi?"
"Yes sir," Skye responded. "But please. Call me Skye."
Prince Snow, our revealed fiancé of Peach, is the prince of a faraway continent pelted with snow and sleek. It is a very small and very poor country called Ysiensoden. This country is considered to be so insignificant that it is probably not even mentioned in your textbooks. It certainly wasn’t in Peach’s textbooks and the proposal came as a surprise. It literally came from a medium-built robust blond prince who was particularly good with the sword and had a rather rough and awkward accent with him.
So now you can understand why Peach would be too annoyed to really pay attention to the meeting. It didn't seem that she was directly involved in it anyway, with the exception of the ring.
Toadsworth blabbered on and on ("That leaves you, Mr. Luigi to guard the throne." "Yes, S-S-Sir.")
Blah-Blah-Blepity Yoga-Spinoza. Peach eventually got so bored of the meeting that she was sure she had fallen asleep.
"Ah. Now to what I really want to get to!" Toadsworth excitedly stated. With his eye fixed on Peach, which instantly got her attention, he pulled out a small, flat rock with ancient, strange text written all over it.
"Recognize this, lovely granddaughter?" Toadsworth taunted.
"Of course I do. It's the Augury! I haven't seen those... since I was a little girl!"
Luigi, along with Skye, looked confused. "Um... What e-e-exactly is the A-Augury?" Luigi timidly asked.
Daisy looked dumbfounded. "Honestly, don't you two ever read?"
"The Augury,” Daisy explained, “is the belt of cosmic stones that circulates our planet. Before our planet was created, the entire plan was written on a giant mountain that explains, in perfect detail, what is going to happen, from the day the planet was born to the destruction of the world and every single detail in between. It applies to everyone- you, and me and Peach... we are all mentioned in the Augury in some fashion. When the world was created, the Gods crumbled the Augury and sent it spiraling around our planet. Every few years, a piece of the rock will catch our gravity and tumble to the ground, where hopefully someone then can read it and can predict our future outcomes."
"Ah, yes. But you left out one important detail," Toadsworth mentioned.
"Hold on, Papa-T, I’m gettin’ there,” Daisy dismissed Toadsworth.
“Anyway, not just anybody can read the Augury Stones. It’s written in text written from the language of the angels above. So only those who were born with the Seventh Element of the Planet--light--will be able to read the Augury.
"And currently," Toadsworth said, glimmering his eyes warmly at Peach, "our future-queen is the only one on this entire planet who has such a gift."
"W-Wow! That's... that's k-k-kinda amazing," Luigi stuttered.
Daisy smiled. "It's a stretch to believe... but interestingly enough, the Augury has never been wrong. Not once."
"Yes, but mind you, most of the Augury is vague and hard to interpret correctly. There were many wars in the past based on other countries’ interpretations of it."
"Irregardless..." Daisy shrugged.
Peach held the warm stone in her hands. She closed her eyes and began the reading.
"TS 2004; Clamindan 14. The father of the sacred fruit will leave his country to attract another one. He will wander joyously to the land of the falling crystals, where he will find the son of the falling rain where he intends to bring back to his kingdom.”
“That’s us!” Skye exclaimed. “Good to know we will successfully find the place without freezing to death.”
Toadsworth patiently smiled at Skye. “Go on,” he encouraged Peach.
“TS 2004; Clamindan 15. The secondary Rose will spend another dreary night. She will escape her prison and run to the land of Darkness without looking back. She will tumble in the blackened forest where she will be seen by an obnoxious but powerful and fearful beast. There... and the rest is missing."
"Bowser!" Toadsworth exclaimed after hearing the second reading.
"Didn’t you just tell me not to jump to conclusions?” Daisy impatiently asked. “That could be anybody.”
"B-B-But there's only one 'L-L-Land of D-Darkness'," Luigi pointed out.
"But see, that's where we can easily get into war,” Daisy started to explain.
“Who, for example, is the ‘Secondary Rose’? What country is she from? Is the forest really blackened or is it just nighttime? We cannot make the same mistake our ancestors did," Skye explained.
"By the way, does anybody know what he's up to now days?" Peach changed the subject, trying to sound as casual as possible.
Toadsworth frowned and scratched his ear. "Uh... No, I'm afraid I don't. He's been mighty quiet lately," he admitted.
"It's B-B-Bowser... I just know it," Luigi panted, struggling to stay calm.
"Master Luigi, it may be him, it might not be. But you'll be fine. I have faith in you. That being said, this meeting is now adjourned. Yoshi, please meet me out back in half an hour."
"It's 'Skye' if you please, sir," Skye mentioned again before he toddled off.
By midnight that same night she had not even attempted to fall asleep. She was out on the balcony staring down at her people, some of which smiled back at her, some of which did not even know she was watching them. She gripped the bottle of Aspirin in her hand firmly for when she'd need it later.
"Oh you common people..." Peach muttered to herself.
"How lucky you all are. To have free-will and the freedom to chose your own education, your own partners, and your own occupation." She gripped the Aspirin tighter.
"Oh, cruel world, why must it be this? Why must I suffer day after day of encoding laws and preventing wars with our neighbors? Why can I not live a peaceful life with a peaceful neighborhood?"
With tears rolling down her cheeks, she closed her eyes.
"Bowser!" She furiously thought.
"I don't know if you can hear me. Or if you’re even still there. But if you want to kidnap me, now is your perfect opportunity to do so! Mario is long gone, grandfather is miles away, and the castle is being guarded by the most cowardly man on the planet! Please, take me away to your home!"
Frustrated, she went back inside her room and crashed on her bed.
Bowser collapsed on the forest floor. Rain pelted around them. She could not see much in the darkness, but she saw a small figure with a teal cape walking oddly casually away... holding a bloody sword. Peach ignored him and rushed to the Koopa King. He gazed up at Peach with empty eyes. He was dead.
She woke up two hours later in terror.
"No more," she said to herself as she pulled on her cloak, grabbing her magical parasol and her purse. "I will take no more."
She walked out to the balcony, clambered up the table, unwrapped the parasol, and glided herself down from her room, after being absolutely sure that nobody was watching her.
When she safely landed on the ground, she broke into a run. She ran in the direction of the dark lands. She turned around and noticed Luigi dozing off from the front doors. A servant had ben kind enough to give him a blanket while he was fast asleep.
"Sorry, Luigi," Peach said, "but I have to find out what happened."
It wasn't until Toadette rat-a-tap-tapped on her bedroom door the next morning before anybody noticed that her balcony window was wide open, her bed was unmade, her purse was gone, her Asprin bottle was crushed and spilling, and that her tea set was shattered. For Toadette, she saw a very terrifying room that told her a story of a missing princess and a struggle within the chambers.
To Be Continued…
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