Castle Bleck… Let’s get on with it.
Dimentio: Oh, it’s you guys again. Well I welcome you like an old man wanting attention from- what? What’s this confused look on your face? Look, what do you want?!
Count Bleck: For you to take out the trash you bum! It smells worse that O’Chunks’s jock strap!
Dimentio: And how would you know?!
Count Bleck: Because I do the laundry! And I pay the bills! And I go shopping! And I repair the house! And I-
Timpani: That’s what I do!
Count Bleck: Okay, so Count Bleck just helps…
Dimentio: Anyways, what is it? A question? “How do I know all the differences between what happens here and what happens in the video game?” Oh boy… I never hoped this day would come… Uh, you see, well-
Count Bleck: Take out the darn trash! Mimi just passed out walking outside of her room from the smell-
*thump* Dimentio starts laughing maniacally. Nastasia comes in with a gas mask and gives a piece of paper to Dimentio, then leaves.
Dimentio: ? A memo? Hmmm… WHAT?! If I don’t do my duties I’ll be locked into an un-warpable room with O’Chunks while he’s practicing with his bag pipes?! I was in my ROOM when I heard him play and I was still deaf for a week!
Dimentio puts on a gas mask and gloves. He teleports out of the library. A second later he teleports back with a stern look.
Dimentio: While I’m gone don’t you DARE look into the back pages of the Dark Prognosticus or you will regret it…
Dimentio disappears and you get busy looking at the back pages of the Dark Prognosticus finding and laughing at pictures of Rosalina with pictures of Dimentio taped on them. Then you reach the page titled “Reference W” with the following warning:
“The events written here were not foretold
at all but are regardless a true story about a fat man, a beanpole, and
Nintendo… the two worlds that collide and speak of unimaginable…” blah,
Wario’s Warehouse: The first mission
Wario: Wah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Waluigi: Wah ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Wario: Ah har har har har har!
Waluigi: Heh heh heh heh heh heh!
Wario: Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Waluigi: Ho ho ho… What are we laughing at?
Wario looks at his brother and then smacks Waluigi upside the head.
Wario: I just got an idea of how to get us out of our predicament!
Waluigi: Our what?
Wario: I mean, look at us!
They are inside a box in an alleyway…well, Wario is, anyways. Waluigi is inside a trash can that only goes up to his knees. They are unshaven, filthy, and look famished… okay, only Wario does. Waluigi looks like his normal self except with only one shoe on.
Waluigi: Oh, THAT predicament…
Wario: A predicament we wouldn’t be in if you-
Waluigi: Look, everyone makes mistakes when pursuing their dreams.
Wario: But tossing all of MY money into a wishing well-
Waluigi: Hey, I got my date with Daisy! I’m wondering why she never called back though…
Wario: Maybe because we don’t have a phone, you dolt!
Waluigi: Oh yeah! Wait, why aren’t we in your castle?
Wario smacks Waluigi on his forehead.
Wario: Shut up and listen! I’ve thought of an idea to get us back on our feet! And make us millionaires! And all we have to do is steal from Nintendo!
Waluigi: What?! But they made us! They are the reason we are here!
Wario: Exactly! You’re hideous, I’m fat, you’re a loser, I’m a loser, you’re as dumb as a sack of bricks…
Waluigi: Yeah! It’s Nintendo’s fault for making me so great that I can’t handle it so I’m dumb!
Wario: … Uh yeah, sure, let’s go with that!
Waluigi: So what do we do?
Wario: Simple: We sneak into the Nintendo
Waluigi: Tell me again why there is such a thing as the Nintendo building?
Wario: Because Nintendo feels like a father to us, one who likes our visits… Personally I think he is more like a step-father…
Wario and Waluigi are walking into the World Warping Center, a huge building that has warp pipes that lead to other worlds with more specific accuracy. Still looking like the bums that they are, they walk up to the Toad teller, Wario holding a big bag labeled “Put stolen stuff here“.
Toad: Hello… um… Welcome to the World Warping Center, how may I… uh, help you gentlemen?
Wario opens his mouth to speak but lets out a big burp instead. The teller passes out. Wario shrugs and looks at the price for a Power Star, needed to travel between worlds.
Wario: 50 dollars?!
Waluigi: How nice of them!
Wario smacks Waluigi.
Wario: Of course you wouldn’t know the value of money! *sniff* 50 DOLLARS is 500 GOLD COINS in the Mushroom Kingdom, you dumb beanpole! And we are broke!
Waluigi just shrugs, reaches over the teller’s table, and fishes out 2 Power Stars from the drawer.
Wario: … That’s the smartest thing you’ve ever done since you threw that Bob-omb down Mario’s chimney!
Waluigi: What this? No, I just wanted some tissue.
Waluigi sneezes into one of the Power Stars. It disintegrates. Wario stands there, mouth wide open. He quickly pries the other Star out of his hand before Waluigi sneezes into that one too. They sneak into a grand room paved in gold and that has images of Ns everywhere. There in the middle stands a white warp pipe. Wario goes near it and a look of disappointment spreads on his face.
Wario: I don’t think I’ll fit in there… Waluigi, I’m trusting you-
Wario turns around and doesn’t see his brother. He looks back at the warp pipe and sees him jump in.
Wario: Waluigi wait!!!… You forgot the
Wario leaves the building as a decontamination team arrives.
Wario: Funny, I always see those guys coming in as I leave a public building…
Wario goes to a nearby park to think… and to swindle a few gold coins from the nearby fountain.
Wario: We are going to need a place to lay low in case things go grim… A big storage facility… yes… Someplace where no one would ever think to look…
Daisy: What are you doing in my castle?!
Wario is inside Daisy’s castle in Sarasaland. He is redecorating Daisy’s throne room.
Daisy: What are you doing here, Wario?
Wario: I need some place to stash away… stuff.
Daisy: Stuff? What stuff?
Wario: Look lady, I don’t come to you and interrogate you about stuff you’re doing to my castle!
Daisy: Last I heard your castle was on foreclosure and was bought by-
Wario: That oversized children’s toy got lucky!
Daisy: … Get out.
Daisy grabs Wario by the overalls and throws him out an open window… the big one that all balconies have. Wario falls face-first and then all his stuff crashes on him.
Daisy: By the way, if you want a hideout, why don’t you just go back to your farm you… you… farmer!
Wario rises from his pile of portraits of him and runs off.
Wario: Ahhh yes, the old farm…
Wario’s staring at a wasteland that has a deteriorating moldy house on it that sits right next to Forever Forest. A few yards from the inhabitable house sits a big warehouse. Wario runs towards it, laughing.
Wario: Ah ha ha ha ha! I’m going to
be super rich!
Wario: There, good as new.
Wario has swept the floor with his glove. All the warehouse is, is a bigger version of the box he lived in except metal. The roof is still leaky, it smells, and it looks like a simple gust will blow it away, but Wario is proud to call it-
Wario: This is a dump! I sold Wario’s Wingery for this?! Ah well, I’m sure we can spice the place up once Waluigi gets-
Waluigi: I’m back!
Wario: Well speak of the Bonechill!
Wario walks outside to meet Waluigi, and sees him driving a truck full of boxes.
Wario: Ha ha ha! Waluigi, you ol’ beanpole, you! You got some valuables in there?
Waluigi: Yep! All in here!
Waluigi dumps the trucks contents into a pile next to Wario. Wario rips open a box… and finds a pillow. He rips open another one and finds some old blankets. He starts ripping through most of them and finds unassembled pieces of furniture, a broken TV, and an old radio.
Wario: … Please tell me this is a joke…
Waluigi: Nope! See, this is what happened…
Waluigi emerges from the warp pipe inside the Nintendo building: a large, grand, beautiful-
Wario: Get to the point!
Waluigi taps Nintendo, represented by the N symbol used in the N64 era.
Nintendo: Yes Waluigi?
Waluigi: Uh, Nintendo, I have a favor to ask…
Nintendo: If it’s about you starring in your own game then don’t worry, it’ll happen *mutters* when your brother flies…
Waluigi: Uh, no, not that. You see, back at home, me and my bro are broke, so can I just grab a few things you don’t need?
Nintendo: Oh yeah, sure, whatever, help yourself… Down the hall, make a left, go up the stairs, take a right, go through the second door you see, go down the stairs, make a left, then a quick right, get into the elevator, hit the penultimate button, go straight down, and you will see your stuff there. Got it?
Waluigi is staring at a fly. Nintendo leaves him.
After 3 hours of wondering around the Nintendo building Waluigi finds the door labeled “Trash Room”. Inside are boxes crammed with old furniture, old cans of food, and broken appliances.
Waluigi: Guess I’ll take all of this… And that’s what happened!
Wario: … I sent you there so you could steal something of value! Like a never-before-released game or something of the sorts that we could sell in the Real World! You nimrod!
Wario tries to tackle Waluigi but he sidesteps and Wario crashes into the pile of boxes. Wario gets up, still enraged, but spots a box covered in stickers labeled “Confidential: Property of Nintendo”. He opens up the box and sees its full of papers. He takes out one sheet and reads it.
Wario: “Tips for Sonic Adventure 2: Battle”… Waluigi, where’d you get this?
Waluigi: Oh yeah, I thought I left something out. You see…
Back at the building, Waluigi has managed to get every single box near the warp pipe. He goes back to the room to inspect if he left anything behind. However, with the room cleared he sees there is another door in the room.
Waluigi: Huh? I wonder what that could be.
Waluigi walks in and sees a dark hallway. He takes out a match and lights the fuse of a Bob-omb.
Waluigi: Ahhh, I always carry a candle with me for these kinds of occasions.
The Bob-omb slaps him. It then jumps off his hand and starts walking down the hallway as Waluigi follows. There they see a huge door completely locked with chains and a giant lock.
Waluigi: Wonder what’s behind there?
Suddenly the Bob-omb explodes. Waluigi ends up on the floor seeing stars and smoke.
Waluigi: Mamamia… I’ve got to buy the non-exploding kind of candles… Huh?
The explosion blew the door of! He goes inside and sees towers upon towers of boxes. On the ceiling of the room is the chute that dropped the boxes. Waluigi opens one up and sees it’s full of paper.
Waluigi: Firewood! I’ll take this box with me too… And so I came back with all these boxes, found a truck with no driver in it but with the keys in there, followed the smell of garlic-mold-pizza, and now here I am.
Wario: Waluigi, you’re a genius!
Waluigi: I knew that. My teacher in first grade said I was “special”. Then I never saw her again ‘cause I had a new teacher and he-
Wario: Waluigi, you’ve hit a gold mine! With these tips, we could sell the information to the gaming losers of the real world, and get rich! Ha ha ha ha!
Waluigi: You sure?
Wario: If this warehouse full of Nintendo tips and cheats doesn’t make me a whole pot of cash, I’ll eat my mustache! And as my old ma always said, “You can never have too much money”. ‘Course, she didn’t have any after I wedged her inside her kitchen bin and pilfered all her cash! Eh heh heh heh!
Waluigi: Oh yeah, that’s the day we moved out.
Wario: Now let’s move all this stuff
in! Heh heh heh heh heh! Wario is back, baby!
Wario and Waluigi go inside the MushMall, a huge commercial mall located in Toad Town. They are back to their regularly hygienic selves and are grinning from ear to ear.
Wario: Let’s get some pork rinds to celebrate the opening of Wario’s Warehouse!
Waluigi: But how? We have no money.
Wario: I swindled some of Daisy’s jewelry. She won’t mind missing that jewel-encrusted gold watch.
Waluigi: I thought it was a fake though.
Wario: …*sniff* It was… but the Toad at the thrift store gave me 5 bucks for it so we have some money for food.
Waluigi: Hey look, it’s the Mario Bros!
Sure enough Mario and Luigi are in the clothing department.
Mario: Hmmm… Will these jeans stretch long enough for when we go to an Italian restaurant?
Luigi: That’s my bro. Hey look, isn’t that Wario and Waluigi?
Wario: Quick, pretend we are going to that department!
Wario points to the left and sees it’s the “Health Food” department.
Wario: … On second thought, I’d rather face them.
Mario walks over to Wario and puts his hand out. Wario spits at it.
Mario: Of course… So how are you-a doing paisano?
Wario: I’m doing better than ever because soon my new business will make me more rich than the guy who bought my old castle.
Waluigi: Yeah! Because we are stealing game secrets from Nintendo and selling it to the pu-Mph!
Wario quickly takes one of the stickers from the boxes he has on him and slaps one on Waluigi’s mouth.
Mario: Wait, what?
Wario: Look! Is that the Koopalings trying to kidnap Peach?
Mario and Luigi: Where?!
Wario grabs Waluigi as well as a nearby bag of pork rinds, and runs out the door. He makes it back to the warehouse and collapses. He wakes up and sees Waluigi gone.
Wario: Curse my tiny feet. So tired still… MushMall too far… I can’t believe I actually ran all 50 yards…
He gets up and goes outside and sees Waluigi with the “borrowed” truck.
Waluigi: Mph! Mph, mph, mph.
Wario rips the sticker off Waluigi’s mouth.
Waluigi: Ow! Anyways you heard what I said.
Wario: Yeah, I did. You’re going back to the Nintendo building for another batch of “legitimate merchandise” to go and “take delivery of”, eh? I understand, idiot.
Waluigi: Yeah. Be back in a week!
Waluigi starts pushing the truck onto the road. Wario stares, baffled.
Wario: What are you doing?
Waluigi: The truck ran out of patrol so I have to push it all the way there and back.
Wario: … I think I need to lie down.
Dimentio: What are you doing?! You dare look at the reality of the video game world?!
Dimentio takes back the Dark Prognosticus and puts it away.
Dimentio: All right, so now you know my secret… okay, their secret. We do have a connection between us and “them”… We try not to think about it. I mean, we live our lives here and they worship us there… Why ruin it? What, you want to read more about Wario’s Warehouse? Well… maybe… there will come a time again where you can read more… like a girl calling back a guy one week after a date… I hate it when you guys look at me like that… Ciao!
All credit goes to Nintendo of Europe for the entire conception of Wario’s Warehouse. This story is inspired and based upon the short articles that were published on their site once.
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