Pooper Mario

By John Koopa

E. Gadd: Well, here we are.

Smith: Woah... Why is everything dark? Where's the background?

E. Gadd: Oh, John Koopa just isn't writing the next chapter.

Smith: But, it's the finale! Why isn't he writing it?!

E. Gadd: Well, he said his computer broke down. It is a toaster, after all.

Smith: What do you mean? His computer works better than most PCs!

E. Gadd: Exactly. It's a toaster.

Smith: Well, here, I'll call him. Do you have a cell phone? I lost mine in chapter 4.

Shif T: Here, I have tons of cell phones!

Shif T pulls out a sack full of cell phones.

Shif T: Man, I've never seen this name before... "Isaac"... It's so-

Shif T snatches the phone.

Smith: Thief! Anyway, time to call.

Smith calls the author.

Smith: John Koopa?

John Koopa: Oh, hey, Smith! What's shakin'?

Smith: Why aren't you writing chapter 8?

John Koopa: Well, my computer broke down. Oh, hey, I see the problem! Someone stuck a piece of toast in it. Here, I'll fix it.

(TAP, CLICK, {/~3)

"Pooper Mario"

Chapter 8: When Gags Collide

(Bowser Castle)

Princess Peach: Okay, Twinkie, this is it!

Twinkie: Really?!

Peach: Yep! Smith is gone, along with a huge portion of Bowser's army. We should go now, before they sort things out!

Twinkie: Wait, I'm not sure I'm ready for this...

Peach: ... Are you ready now?

Twinkie: Yep.

Peach uses her master key to unlock the cell door, and they leave.

Peach: Okay, we need to sneak down this hall.

Twinkie: How?

Peach: With my steel Koopatrol disguise!

Peach puts on the armor and walks calmly down the hall.

Magikoopa: Hey, you!

Peach: Me?

Magikoopa: Yeah, you! What are you doing down here?

Peach: I'm, err, patrolling the corridors.

Magikoopa: Hmm... Fine.

Peach and Twinkie, who is hiding in the armor, continue through the mess hall and out onto the balcony.

Twinkie: Blast! We can't get all the way to the front from here!

Peach: Don't worry. Watch this!

Peach pulls out her grappling hook, hurls it onto the roof, hangs on, and swings through a window.

Twinkie: Wow! Nice one! We're nearly there!

They head out into the main entryway.

Koopatrol: No one enters or exits this castle without offering identification.

Peach: Uhh... I'm afraid I can't do that...

Koopatrol: Why not? At least a password will do.

Peach: Okay, how about THIS?!

Peach smashes the Koopatrol with her sword and knocks him out.

Twinkie: Awesome! Where did you learn to fight like that?

Peach: I studied a little back at the castle.

Suddenly an alarm sounds.

Voice: Intruder alert! Intruder alert!

Kamek and a squadron of Magikoopas, Koopatrols, Monty Moles, and Clubbas appear.

Kamek: You're under arrest!

Twinkie: Quick, Peach! Use the cannon!

Peach fires her Bob-omb cannon and blasts away the enemies.

Peach: Quick, run for it!!

Peach blasts the doors open with the cannon and runs out, dodging the searchlights and fleeing through the blackened woods.

(Bowser's control room)

Bowser: Ahh... I miss Smith. The way he would always question my orders... the way he would humiliate me in front of my troops, the way he- Okay, you know what? I don't miss him. I wish Jerry was here so I could order him around!

The Star Rod glows and Jerry appears.

Jerry: ***, ****'* ***** ** ****? (Hey, what's going on here?)

Bowser: Jerry, as minion of the year, I'm making you the new Smith to replace the real Smith.

Jerry: ***, * ***'* ******* ***! (But, I can't replace him!)

Bowser: Good, I'm glad you agree!

Jerry: ** *** **** **** **** *** **** ** ****? (Do you only hear what you want to hear?)

Bowser: Yes, I would like a cup of coffee.

An alarm sounds.

Kamek on intercom: Bowser, sir! Princess Peach has escaped!

Bowser: Yeah, right. Nice try.

Jerry: *** ***, ******'* ** ***********? (But sir, shouldn't we investigate?)

Bowser: I can't understand you at all.

Kamek appears.

Kamek: Sir, please, we need to send someone after her!

Bowser: Well, send Bowser Jr!

Kamek: I can't, sir! He left!

Bowser: You mean he went with Smith?!

Kamek: No, sir! Smith asked, but he couldn't get Bowser Jr. out of his room!

Bowser: Wait, if he wouldn't leave his room, then how did he leave?

Kamek: That's just it, sir! He took his room with him!

Kamek points to a massive gaping hole in the castle.

Bowser: Woah. How long has that been there?

(E. Gadd's house)

Mario: Hey, E. Gadd! We did it!!!

E. Gadd: Really?!

Mario: Yep!! We got ALL the Sacred Beans!!!

E. Gadd: Perfect, I've just finished working on the Ztar Rod!

Mario: Yeah, and we--- Wait... Say that again?

E. Gadd: I've just finished working on the Ztar Rod!

Everyone Else: Say WHAAAAT?!

Luigi: But, how?! You couldn't have finished! We only just now brought in the last bean!

E. Gadd: What does that have to do with it?

Rob-omb: You said the Ztar Rod couldn't be completed without the Sacred Beans!

E. Gadd: I never said that.

Wilson: What are you saying?! Then what was the point of us getting the Sacred Beans?!

E. Gadd takes the Sacred Beans and puts them in a coffeemaker.

E. Gadd: Well, once you've gotten all the Sacred Beans, you can make one MEAN cup o' Joe!

Everyone else: ......................

Mario: Wait... so you're telling me that this whole time... this WHOLE time... all of these RIDICULOUS chapters... were completely pointless?!

E. Gadd: No, they weren't pointless! After all, I got the best cup o' Joe in the world!

Smith: I can't believe we spent all this time guarding those useless beans...


Shif T: Mario, I know what you're thinking, but please don't. Wait until after he gives us the Ztar Rod, then we'll make him pay.

E. Gadd: And so, without further ado, I present you with the mighty Ztar Rod!!!

He gives Mario a long, sleek, blue rod adorned with sapphires and lightning-shaped handles with a Ztar on top.

Mario: At long last... the mighty Ztar Rod... is now OURS!!!

Wilson: So, now, E. Gadd, we have everything we need to win?

E. Gadd: Yep, you don't need anything more from me! ... Wait, why did you lock the door? Why do you have that rope?! WHAT'S WITH THE HAMMER?!?!

Mario and Co. beat up E. Gadd in a scene far too graphic to show.


Mario: Man, an entire journey wasted.

Wilson: Well, at least you met all of us, right?

Mario: Man, an entire journey wasted.

Rob-omb: Anyway, we need to find a way to Bowser's castle now.

Bootler: Well, can't we find it on the map, old bomb?

Rob-omb: Come on, do you really think Bowser is so stupid he'd let that happen?

Everyone else: Yes.

Smith: Don't worry, I know the way. Follow me.

They walk through the southern plains, past burning magma fields, and through darkened forests until they finally reach the blackened fields of Dark Land.

Mario: *pant* Arrgh, I can't go any further... Go on without me!!!

Wilson: Oh, will you stop exaggerating? We've only been walking for ten minutes.

Mario: Nine minutes and forty-eight seconds too long.

Anti Guy: Peanuts.

Luigi: Hey, who's that?

The group looks ahead and sees Princess Peach and some random guy fleeing the castle.

Twinkie: Hey, I have a name too, ya jerk!

Mario: PEACH!!!

Peach: *Gasp* I can't believe it!!!

Mario and Peach run to each other in slow motion.

Luigi (in normal speed): Wow, how cheesy.

Mario: Peach!! At last!!

Peach: At long last!!

Peach stops, jerks her hand into Mario's pocket, and he collapses.

Peach: MY CREDIT CARD!!! Finally!!!

Mario: ... And they say Luigi never wins...

Twinkie: Hey guys! It's me!

Luigi: Who?

Twinkie: But, don't you remember... Aww, forget it.

Smith: But, how did you escape?!

Peach: Well, I heard you were gone, so I used the gear Bowser gave me.

Wilson: Well, we still need to get inside to stop Bowser from conquering the world. Eventually.

Rob-omb: Come on, we need to find a way in.

They all try to climb the walls.

Peach: Or we could just use the front door.

Peach opens the door.

Mario: Oh, right.

Peach: Anyway, I'm still mad at Bowser for all he's done. Let me come too!

Mario: Huh? Y-y-you want to come too?!

Peach: Yeah. Is that a problem?

Mario: N-n-no, of course not.

{Team members: 10}

Twinkie: Aww, come on! I'm a character too!

John Koopa: Not really.

Mario: Come on, guys! It's time to put the hurt on that smelly Koopa rat! Let's-a go!!!

They all burst through the door in slow motion and strike awesome poses.

Smith: ... Huh. That's odd. No one's here.

Luigi: Well, they had to run out of goons sometime.

Wilson: Or, they may be laying in wait for us. We should be careful.

They sneak past obvious traps, encountering only token resistance on their way to the hall.

Rob-omb: Okay, Smith, which way should we go?

Smith: We should continue down this hall until we reach a fork.

They do so.

Smith: Okay, we should head to the right. There are no traps that way.

Mario: I wanna go left!

Smith: Why?!

Mario: I don't need a reason!

Smith: I knew the stupidity trap I installed would work. Come on, guys, let's leave him.

Wilson: Sorry, but I must make sure Mario gets to Bowser safely.

Shif T: Plus, I don't want to turn right!

For various reasons, everyone else decides to go left.

Smith: Fine, your loss.

Smith heads right while the others head left.

(Left corridor)

Luigi: Hey, guys, look!

The group walk outside and up to the base of a tall cliff leading to the next part of the tower.

Mario: Great, now how are we gonna get up there?

Luigi: Don't worry, I can Super Jump you all up!

Luigi Super Jumps everyone up except Rob-omb.

Luigi: Don't worry, I'm coming back for you!

Luigi jumps back down, grabs Rob-omb, and jumps back up, but hits the ledge, causing Rob-omb to explode and they both plummet.

Luigi: AAAAHHHH!!!

Rob-omb lands on top of Luigi and explodes again.

Luigi: Oww... Of course.

Luigi Super Jumps again, landing on the cliff very hard, causing Rob-omb to explode and destroy the ledge and they both fall, causing Rob-omb to land on top of Luigi and explode again.

Luigi: Oww... Well, I only have one Super Jump left...

Luigi leaps up to the top and makes it.

Luigi: YES!!!

And Rob-omb explodes.

Luigi: ...

Mario: Come on, let's go already!

They walk up to a wall with a large crack.

Rob-omb: Don't worry, I'll blast it down!

Rob-omb rushes up, trips on a rock, and explodes on Luigi.

Luigi: Arrgh... THAT'S IT!!!

Luigi throws Rob-omb at the wall and Rob-omb bounces off the wall, exploding on Luigi.


Luigi starts punching the wall.

Rob-omb: I'll help too!

Rob-omb runs up to the wall, trips on the same rock, and explodes, destroying the wall and knocking Luigi off the edge.


Mario: Don't worry, Luigi! We'll help you!

Luigi: Forget it! I'll find my own way in!

Luigi heads through a door and Mario and Co. continue into the castle.

Mario: Well, there doesn't seem to be-

Suddenly the whole group feels a wave of pain.

Rob-omb: Urrgh... What the---?

Wilson: My stupidity meter is off the charts!

Bootler: I can't take... the stupidity...

Peach: Urrgh... This room is so full of raw stupidity... I can't take it...

Anti Guy: I don't feel any different from usual.

Wilson: You guys go on ahead... I think Anti Guy and I can take it... I'm strong enough...

The others limp and crawl ahead while Wilson investigates and Anti Guy sleeps.

???: Mwahahahaa... Welcome to our sanctuary... We trust you will enjoy your stay...

Three Anti Guys appear.

Anti Guy: *Gasp* My cousins!

Enemy Anti Guy 1: Traitor! You won't get away this time!

Wilson: Urrgh... Let us by, or else!

EAT 2: Hah! Or what? Our sheer stupidity has wounded you severely!

EAT 3: And now we'll take you down!

Anti Guy: Don't worry, Wilson! I'm here for you!

Wilson: That's what worries me.

{Battle Sequence}

Wilson: 7 HP
Anti Guy: 45 STL (Stupidity Tolerance Level)
EAT 1: 10 STL
EAT 2: 10 STL
EAT 3: 10 STL

Wilson: Astounding... Even Anti Guy can't handle too much raw stupidity, so if his tolerance level hits zero... he may not recover...

Anti Guy: Your sock is untied!
(EATs: 9 STL)

EAT 1: You dropped your pocket!
(Anti Guy: 40 STL)

EAT 2: Your pool is on fire!
(Anti Guy: 38 STL)

EAT 3: Tabuu is amazing!
(Anti Guy: 27 STL)

Wilson: I've got to help... Steel Suriken...
(Anti Guy: ATK up)

Anti Guy: Your refrigerator is running, so you'd better catch it!
(EATs: 7 STL)

EAT 1: Your face is on backwards!
(Anti Guy: 23 STL)

EAT 2: Sugar is too salty!
(Anti Guy: 19 STL)

EAT 3: Burger King is the best restaurant in the world!
(Anti Guy: 15 STL)

Wilson: Urgh... Boost Armor!
(Anti Guy: ATK up)

Anti Guy: This sentence is too loud!
(EATs: 4 STL)

EAT 1: Your leg is crooked!
(Anti Guy: 11 STL)

EAT 2: Chicago is so warm!
(Anti Guy: 7 STL)

EAT 3: I stole your nose!
(Anti Guy: 2 STL)

Wilson: Argh... I can't take it any more! But I have to help
first... Boost Knuckle!!
(Anti Guy: ATK max, Wilson: 0 HP)

Anti Guy: You'll pay! Doug Mc. Clure's movies are amazing!!!
(EAT's: 0 STL)

{Battle Over}

Wilson: Wow... You did it! Great work!

Anti Guy: Did what?

Wilson: Come on, let's go.

The two leave and reunite with Mario and Co.

Mario: Hey, guys! You made it!

Wilson: Well, it sure wasn't easy.

Anti Guy: What wasn't?

Mario: Anyway, it looks like the next room might be guarded. We need someone very stealthy to get through.

Bootler: Like who?

Shif T: HELLO!! Master thief here! I'll go.

Twinkie: Do you think you can handle it?

Peach: Quiet, you!

Shif T: Okay, here I go!

Shif T walks up to the door.

Shif T: That's strange... There's a dog door here. I wonder why...

Shif T walks into the room... and finds a thousand sleeping Chain Chomps.

Shif T: Oh. That's why.

Shif T sneaks by James Bond-style.

Mario: Well, if he can do it, I can do it too!

Mario enters the room with a boombox.


Mario plays an extremely loud remix of Super Mario Bros.

Shif T: NO!! Turn it off!!!

Shif T turns it off and sees the Chain Chomps still asleep.

Shif T (whispering): Wow... They sure are heavy sleepers...

The Chain Chomps wake up.

Chain Chomps: ARF ARF!!!

Mario: EEK!!! I wish something small and insignificant would save us now!

Angry Sun bursts into the room.

Angry Sun: Aha!!! I finally have you! You may have gotten lucky once, twice, or even---

Al Chompone: Arf Arf! (Let's get 'em, boys!)

The Chain Chomps rush over and beat up Angry Sun.

Shif T: Quick, let's bolt!

They try to run but Angry Sun blocks them.

Angry Sun: Ha! You thought you'd get away that easily?! Wait... Are those Chomps still here?

Al Chompone: Arf Arf!

The Chain Chomps beat up Angry Sun again.

Shif T: Right... NOW let's bolt!

They all head into the next room.

Wario: Okay... What else can go wrong?!

Suddenly the lights shut off.

???: Huhuhahahaa... Finally, you arrive. I've been expecting you. Sadly for you, this is the end of your quest...

Shif T: Who are you?!

???: I am... the unstoppable... Gourmet Guy!!!

Mario: Oh, no!! ... Wait... Who are you?

Gourmet Guy: Your doom! You cannot pass until you pass my test...

Rob-omb: What test?!

Gourmet Guy: You have to win at a round of... Steel Chef!!!

The lights turn on to reveal a kitchen.

Rob-omb: Fine, who's our opponent?

Gourmet Guy: The king of desert... Baron Von Bon Bon!!!

Baron Von Bon Bon appears.

Baron: Wha---? Where am I?

Gourmet Guy: All right, you must select one team member to compete. The rest must wait.

Mario: Okay, who here can cook?

Rob-omb: I don't have hands.

Anti Guy: Peanuts.

Wario: I'm allergic to cooking.

Bootler: I'm more of a tea person, myself.

Peach: Why would a woman like me know how to cook?!

Shif T: Well... I did take a few courses in the Looney Bin. I am a T, after all.

Mario: Okay, we choose Shif T!

Gourmet Guy: Very well, let the games begin!

The show starts.

Gourmet Guy (narrating): All right, folks, welcome to Steel Chef! Our contestants are looking rarin' to go! Let's have a look. Shif T is putting some ingredients into a blender, and the Baron is getting his own ingredients. Now the Baron is putting his ingredients in Shif T's blender! Now, Shif T is blending his ingredients. Now, he's putting his original blender into another blender! Well, it looks like the contestants are done. Let's have a look, shall we?

Gourmet Guy walks over. On the Baron's table, a spectacular feast has been set out perfectly. On Shif T's table, a single badly made cake is sitting there.

Gourmet Guy: Hmm... Does the Baron have a cake?

Baron: Uhh... Pies, muffins, err... No, I don't.

Gourmet Guy: Well, I like cake the best, so Shif T wins!

Mario: HOORAY!!!

Baron: Aww, I lost at the only thing I was good at...

Gourmet Guy rolls aside, and Mario and Co. proceed/

Shif T: Well, that went well.

Wario: Hey, the door's stuck!

Bootler: I'll float through. You guys take the long way.

Wilson: Right.

Bootler enters.

Jerry on intercom: **! *** ***'* ******! * **** *** ***! (Ha! You can't escape! I have you now!)

A cage falls on Bootler.

Jerry: ** ** *** ****, *** ***'* ***** ******* ****! (As we all know, you can't float through iron!)

Bootler floats through the wooden floor.

(Mario's group)

Mario: Hey, this door's locked!

Peach: Don't worry, I have the master key.

Peach unlocks the door and enters.

Jerry: **! *** ****! * ****** *** ****! (Ha! You lose! I locked the door!)

Peach unlocks the door.

Jerry: ****, * **** * ******'* **** ****** ** **** *** ******... (Dang, I knew I shouldn't have locked it from the inside...)

They head into the next room.

Jerry: **** ****, *** ***'* ***! (This time, you can't win!)

A cage falls on Mario and Co, trapping them.

Wario: What can save us now?!

Bootler flies up through the floor.

Bootler: I say, time to put you down!

Jerry: ***** ** **!!

Twinkie: What'd he say?

Anti Guy: He said, "Bring it on!!"

Twinkie: Uhh... Right. And you understand him, how?

Anti Guy: Understand who?

Bootler: Enough! I'll take you down myself, old bean!!!

{Loser Boss Battle}

Jerry: ****?! *** **** "**** ****"?!?! (What?! Not even "Mini Boss”?!)

Bootler: 8 HP
Jerry: 10 HP

Bootler: Haunted Laser!
(No effect)

Mario: Bootler, only special attacks will work on a Dry Bones!

Jerry: **, *** ****!!
(Bootler: 6 HP)

Bootler: Limey Light!
(No effect)

Jerry: **, ***** **!!
(Bootler: 3 HP)

Bootler: Storm Front!
(No effect)

Jerry: ****, ********!!!
(Bootler: 1 HP)

Mario: Come on, Bootler!

Bootler: Hot Coffee Spill!!!
(Jerry: 0 HP)

{Loser Battle Over}

Jerry: ***! * **** **** ******! (Arg! I must tell Bowser!)

Jerry flees.

Bootler (unlocking the cage): Well, that was a rather sticky wicket.

Mario: Come on, let's move!

Peach: I suppose we'll discuss what this all means later?

They head into the next room and see Smith.

Mario: SMITH?! How did you get here so fast?!

Smith: I took the right path.

Mario: Why didn't you tell us?!

Smith: I did! Seven times! You never listen!

Rob-omb: Well, it can't be helped now. At least we're all here, right?

Smith: Yeah... Hey, where's Luigi?

(Bowser's control room)

Luigi: ...and I swear, they have no respect for me... Hey, where am I, anyway?

???: WHO'S THERE?!

Luigi: *Gulp*

Bowser storms into the room.

Bowser: Well, well, well... If it isn't... er... What was your name again?


Bowser: Uhh... Right. Anyway, you're a fool to come here!

Luigi: No way! I don't need my brother to beat you! I'M SUPER LUIGI!!!

Bowser: Ha. You mean the "King of Second Bananas"?

Luigi: Why... you... THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!!!
You know what?! You're a loser too!

Bowser: I am not!

Luigi: Are too!

Bowser: Am not!

Luigi: Are too!

(Mario's group)

Smith: We're nearly there. Let's hurry.

The group run up a long spiral tower.

Mario: 245,298,630... 245,298,629...

Rob-omb: What are you doing?!

Mario: I'm counting down how many steps we have left.

Everyone Else: *GROAN...*

Bootler: I say, I wonder what that Luigi chap is doing?

(Bowser's control room)

Luigi: Duck season!

Bowser: Wabbit season!

Luigi: Duck season!!

Bowser: Wabbit season!!

Luigi: Wabbit season.

Bowser: Duck season! FIRE!!!

Elmer Fudd shoots Bowser.

Bowser: Uhh... Best 2 out of 3?

(Mario's group)

Smith: All right, It's just down this hall---

Suddenly Smith and Wilson see Kamek.

Wilson: KAMEK!!!

Kamek: Oh, dear DAD in heaven...

Smith: YOU!!! You're going to pay for sealing my best friend away!!!

Mario: But wait, we need you for this fight!

Smith: No, Mario. The Ztar Rod isn't chosen to be wielded... Its wielder is chosen by the rod. Mario, the Rod has chosen you. You are the only one who can defeat Bowser. You don't need us anymore.

Rob-omb: Smith... Wilson...

Wilson: Go, hurry!

Mario: Smith, Wilson... Good luck.

They split up.

Smith: Okay, Kamek, time for you to pay!

Kamek: I'm not going down without a fight!

{Boss Battle}

Smith: 650 HP
Wilson: 90 HP
Kamek: 400 HP

Smith: Photon Shockwave!
(Smith fires a massive beam at Wilson)

Kamek: WHAAT?!

Wilson: Mirror Barrier!
(Wilson reflects the attack back at Smith. Smith: ATK up)

Smith: Reverse Dimension Hole!
(Smith reflects the attack back at Wilson)

Wilson: Mirror Barrier!
(Wilson reflects the attack back at Smith. Smith: ATK up)

Kamek: Oh, no!!! It's the ultimate loophole!!!

Smith: That's right, Kamek! Every time Wilson reflects the attack, my power increases! Plus, we can keep reflecting it back and forth infinitely!

Kamek: NOOO!!!

Wilson: And now, finally...

(Smith redirects the attack at Kamek. Kamek: 0 HP)

{Battle Over}

Kamek: Gaa!!

Wilson grabs his wand.

Kamek: NOOO!!!

Wilson: Here! Be done by your debt!!!

Wilson seals Kamek in a jar.

Smith: Finally... we did it.

Wilson throws the jar out of the castle and into the distance.

Wilson: We'll never see him again. Come on, let's go.

(Bowser's control room)

Bowser: Got any threes?

Luigi: Go fish.

Bowser: Bingo!

Luigi: "Bingo"?

Bowser: Ha! Made you look!

Luigi: I hate you.

(Mario's group)

Wario: We're almost at the top.

Peach: Bowser, here we come...

Twinkie: Let's give him a piece of our minds!

Anti Guy: Won't that hurt?

Mario: This is it... LET'S GO!!!

Mario and Co. rush through a large scarlet door.

(Bowser's control room)

Bowser: Ha! It's over, Luigi! I've beaten you!

Luigi: Urrgh... Your immense stupidity... was too much...

Bowser: Farewell, fool!

Bowser backhands Luigi off the edge of the castle.

Jerry: ***! *****'* ******!!! (Sir! Mario's coming!!!)

Bowser: What?! How did he get past my traps?!

Jerry: ****, **...****, *** ********** **?! (Well, he... Wait, you understood me?!)

Bowser: Yeah, I just haven't been listening to you until now.

Jerry: ...

Bowser: Anyway, send more bosses after him!

Jerry: ***** ****'* *** ****! (There aren't any more!)

Bowser: Well, send my soldiers!

Jerry: ***** *** **** * *** ****! (There are only a few left!)

Bowser: Well, send them all! I don't care if they all fall to Mario, they WILL buy me the time I need to come up with a dramatic villain speech!

Jerry: ...

Bowser: Do not fear Mario... Fear my wrath should you fail!!!

An army of hundreds of Koopatrols, Magikoopas, Monty Moles, and Bullet Bills surrounded by thousands of Goombas and Koopa Toopas charge at Mario.

Wario: Look out, Mario!

Mario rushes forward, bouncing off Bullet Bills and rrdirecting them at other minions, while Peach loads Rob-omb into her Bob-omb cannon and fires at the enemies, dealing massive damage, then Wario becomes Wario
Man and charges through the minions, trampling them.

Jerry: **'** ******, ***! (We're losing, sir!)

Bowser: Come on... What rhymes with "evil"?

Mario leaps into the air, holds the Ztar Rod aloft, and fires a massive Photon Beam that defeats all the enemies.

Jerry: **! * ***'* *** *** **** ** ******!! (No! I won't let you hurt my master!!)

Wario Man: I've had enough of you!

Wario pelts Jerry into the distance with a single punch.

Mario: It's all over, Bowser. You're all alone now.

Bowser: Hah! I've finished my dramatic speech!

Mario: ... That's it? THAT'S what your entire army got crushed for?!

Bowser: Well, I didn't have enough time to think.

Mario: Well, now it's time for us to fight, at long last... and in the very same place this journey began. Time for the ultimate rematch!

Bowser: Ha! You can't win! You're too fat!

Mario: You're calling ME fat?! You're so fat, when you fell down the Grand Canyon, you got stuck halfway!

Bowser: Oh, yeah? Well, you're so fat, when you went to school, you sat next to everyone!

Mario: Well, I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll make an exception.

Bowser: Ha! You've beaten me hundreds of times before, what makes you think you can do it again?

Bowser raises a barrier around himself and Mario.

Bowser: There! Now no one can interrupt our battle! And now, I wish I was invincible!

Mario: And I wish you weren't!

The Star Rod and Ztar Rod glow and cancel each other out.

Bowser: Ahh! How can this be?!

Both the Star Rod and Ztar Rod shatter.

Bowser: What the?!?!

Mario: Why did our rods break?!

Bootler: The Star Rod must have broken because it was used too much!

Mario: Then why did the Ztar Rod break?!

Bootler: Well, you were holding it too tightly.

Bowser: Hmph. So I don't have the Star Rod anymore. Big deal! I can still stomp you flat! This is the day I flush a plumber down the drain!!!

Mario and Bowser: IT ENDS HERE!!!


Mario: 100 HP
Bowser: 100 HP

(The attacks collide and dissipate)

Bowser: What does THAT mean?!

Mario: It stands for "Random Letters That Have No Correlation Except Now They Kind Of Do Because Of This Rant!"

Bowser: Wow... That's even more stupid than mine.

Mario: Now, Bolt Fist!
Bowser: Aha!
(Bowser grabs Mario and hurls him into the barrier. Mario: 93 HP)

Bowser: Now THAT was a REAL Super Guard!
Now, Shell Slam!!
(Bowser whirls in his shell and slams into Mario. Mario: 86 HP)

Mario: Ugh... I've got to make a comeback. Go, Force Dive!
(Mario charges at Bowser and hits him at lightning speed. Bowser: 89 HP)

Bowser: Ahh, yes! I always enjoy a good challenge. But let's see if you can handle my Dark Cannon!
(Bowser pulls out a Dark Cannon and fires, and Mario barely dodges it)

Mario: A one-shot KO!!!

Bowser: Ha! Who needs a Star Rod?

Mario: Fireball Barrage!
(Bowser: No damage)

Bowser: Feh. You can't beat me with fire! Your best weapon is useless!

Mario: (Blast... Now what can I do?!)

Bowser: Now THIS... IS A FLAME!!!
(Bowser breathes a massive hurricane of fire. Mario: 74 HP)

Mario: Urrgh... Oh, yeah? Well I think you need to chill out!

(Mario uses an Ice Flower to freeze Bowser. Bowser: 78 HP)

Bowser: *breaks out* Agh! Hmph, not bad. Meteor Burst!
(Bowser hurls meteors at Mario. Mario: 67 HP)

Mario: Tanooki Power!
(Mario becomes Tanooki Mario, turns into a statue, and falls on Bowser. Bowser: 70 HP)

Bowser: Pff. Is that your best? Go, Spike Twister!
(Bowser spins and spikes Mario with his shell. Mario: 60 HP)

Mario: I'm losing... but I won't give up! Rumble Storm!
(Mario becomes Rock Mario and slams into Bowser. Bowser: 64 HP)

Bowser: Well, two can play at that game!
(Bowser does the same to Mario. Mario: 56 HP)

Mario: Agh... Spring Leap!
(Mario becomes Spring Mario and bounces on Bowser. Bowser: 58 HP)

Bowser: You're grasping for straws, I can tell. I think I'll build up my energy...
(Bower: ATK up)

Mario: Haunted Laser!
(Mario becomes Boo Mario and zaps Bowser. Bowser: 50 HP)

Bowser: Now... for my Giga Inferno!!!
(Bowser blasts a devastating storm of fire at Mario. Mario: 45 HP)

Mario: Gaah! I can't keep up like this...

Bowser: Give up, Mario! I know all your moves like the back of my hand!

Mario: Well, then... I guess I'll have to use some different moves!!! Rainbow Nova!!!
(Mario becomes Star Mario and rams Bowser. Bowser: 39 HP)

Bowser: Gaah! Where did you get that?! Arrgh... You'll pay for that! Magistorm!!
(Bowser blasts Mario with fire, ice, and lightning. Mario: 36 HP)

Mario: I can't get a break here! Cloud Runner!!
(Mario becomes Cloud Mario and shocks Bowser with thunder. Bowser: 32 HP)

Bowser: Well, you've pushed me this far... Mach Rush!!!
(Bowser charges into Mario, breaks the barrier, and both plummet off the castle and into the courtyard. Mario: 22 HP, Bowser: 27 HP)

Mario: (Augh! Bowser must be really desperate! I've never seen him like this!) Shell Slam!
(Mario becomes Shell Mario and rams Bowser. Bowser: 20 HP)

Bowser: I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!! Poison Claw!!!
(Bowser rakes Mario with toxic claws. Mario: 12 HP and poisoned)

Mario: It's no use... Only one thing can save me now... I have to combine all my abilities into one for one final blow!!!
(Mario pulls out every one of his items)

Bowser: Ha. You think that'll work? Let me tell you how this will end: It will take you one second for you to absorb you abilities, two to charge up your attack, and three to reach me. By that time, my poison will have taken your life!

Mario: Got all the answers, do ya?!

{6 seconds}

Mario becomes Nova Mario.

{5 seconds}

Mario charges up.

{4 seconds}

Mario prepares to fire.

{3 seconds}

Bowser rushes at Mario.

{2 seconds}

.Bowser prepares to strike.


Bowser: NOOOOO!!! IMPOSSIBLE!!!!!!!

(Mario fires a beam of unlimited energy and defeats Bowser. Bowser: 0 HP)


Bowser: Aaugh... It's no use... But why can't I defeat you...?

Mario: Because Nintendo says so.

Smith and Wilson arrive.

Smith: Mario, you did it!!!

Wilson: We always believed in you!

Luigi (from below): I didn't.

Wario throws a brick down at Luigi and knocks him out.

Mario: Thanks, you guys. I'm just glad it's finally over.

Suddenly a loud voice is heard on the intercom.

Computer: Danger. Power overload. Core meltdown in five minutes.

Bowser: Ugh, could you PLEASE tell me what that means?! It's been going on about that for the past week!

Smith: Whaat?! How come you never told me?!

Bowser: (impersonating Smith) Bowser, you're lame! You can't do anything right! (normal voice) I didn't want to hear you whine!

Smith knocks Bowser out.

Wilson: Come on, we've got to get out of here!

They run away.

Mario: It's no use! We'll never make it in time!

Wario: Any more miracles, Mario?

Suddenly the Halbird flies up.

Raphael: Need a lift?

Mario: Raphael!!! Why are you here?!

Raphael: Well, after you left, E. Gadd felt guilty about putting you through all that for nothing, so he asked me to help you.

Wilson: You're not a moment too soon. Let's go!!

Mario, Rob-omb, Shif T, Wario, Anti Guy, Bootler, Wilson, Smith, Peach, and Twinkie all climb aboard, and the Halbird takes off.

(Bowser's control room)

Bowser: Noo... My galaxy... My empire... This can't be happening!

John Koopa: Wrong game, Bowser.

Bowser castle erupts in an explosion so large it obliterates Dark Land.

Wilson: YEEEES!!!

Smith: WE DID IT!!!

Rob-omb: WAHOOOO!!!!!

Mario: All in all, 100 percent successful trip!

Peach: But wait, we forgot Luigi!

Mario: All in all, 100 percent successful trip!

Raphael: Don't worry, I flew over and picked him up right before the blast.

Luigi: ...

Mario: Uhh... About what I---

Luigi: I hate you.

(Mushroom Kingdom)

Mario: Well guys... it looks like this is goodbye.

E. Gadd: I understand. You must go your own way.

Rob-omb: We'll miss you!

Peach: We'll miss you too. But, we'll see each other again!

Luigi: Actually, thanks to Nintendo, that'll probably never happen.

Smith: Mario... thank you for all you've done for us. You've reunited me with Wilson, and you've saved us from Bowser's vile hand. We are eternally in your debt.

Mario: Thank you, and don't forget, you've helped us too. If it weren't for you guys, the world would be lost, and Bowser would rule.

Wario: Not to mention I'd have been blown to bits by that volcano!

Raphael: Aww... *sniff* Come on, now, before I start crying!

Peach: We'll never forget you!

Twinkie: Bye, Princess!

Mario: Now, let's go back home.

Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Wario all board the Halbird and fly back home. None of them will ever forget what they went through together, and each of them will strive to protect the world from anything like this ever happening again. With friends reunited, peace restored, and good times ahead, the time has come at last to end this story. But before I do, one last thing must be told...

(Bowser's destroyed castle)

Angry Sun: Aha!! You thought you could get rid
of me?! No matter what, I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!!!

The credits fall on Angry Sun.

Angry Sun: Okay, I give up.


Credits for this story go to one of my closest friends (who wishes to remain anonymous), my parents who helped edit the story (and put up with my impatience), and to the good Lord for helping this story survive. To them, thank you, and to you... farewell to Pooper Mario!!!

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