Lord Crump: His good spirit took him this far. He'll need to dig deep to take that last step. |
General Guy: Although he's a sissy with his toys, he should steamroll his competition this week. |
Wind Crystal: What were you guys thinking, voting in one of Culex's crystals? It even explodes when Culex is gone... |
Roger the Potted Ghost: Who knows what he could pull out from inside that pot? But the flowers have really got to go. |
The announcer:
The referee:
***
Wario: WAH HAH HAH! Welcome the Great WARIO back t-
Shlump!
King Boo: Ugh, tastes awful... My apologies. Welcome to a three-way slaughterfest from the good folks at Roy's Sports Hall! I'm the ghost host with the most, King Boo, ready to devour the souls of whatever fools get in my way.
Roy: Hmmm... Decent enough execution. I liked the use of cannibalism.
King Boo: Does that really count?
Roy: Doesn't matter. All that does matter is that I'm going to be in a new game! And do you know what that means?
King Boo: Angry letters to Nintendo to portray you at your true, invincible power level?
Roy: OH YEAH!
King Boo: And here I was hoping for a single glimmer of hope from your empty skull.
Roy: HEY! Stop that! Stop that right now! I have ways to deal with you. Like laser beams and proton packs and stuff.
King Boo: Well, with that useless drivel out of the way, let's begin! In the Green Corner, it's the military mind with the cunning of a child, it's General Guy!
General Guy: Sir, how DARE you?! I'll have you know that this general has survived more raids, plotted more schemes, and created more weaponry than any Shy Guy alive! I am an inspiration to my species, and shall NOT accept such insults!
King Boo: And yet, you lost to Larry...
General Guy: HE CHEATED! HOW ELSE COULD HE HAVE WON AN ENTIRE SEASON?!
Larry: By just being cool.
Roy: No. Just... no.
Larry: Awwww...
King Boo: In the Blue Corner, we have a pathetic specter nowhere NEAR as impressive as myself, a useless waste of time, Roger the Potted Ghost!
Roger: Blehehehehe! Very good, old man, have your time in the sun. But it shall be I who reigns victorious and takes the crown from your head and enters the Hall of Fame across from the Koop-Mart!
King Boo: Alll right... And in the Yellow Corner, we have the ever-faithful Final Fantasy plot device, Wind Crystal! Wait... what?
Wind Crystal: ...
King Boo: Remind me why we have an inanimate object fighting? And how it's not EXPLODING right now due to the lack of Culex?
Roy: Meh, forums wanted it. Sounded funny. Something about rallying potential or somethin'... Go with it.
King Boo: And now... uh... Wait, which one is predicting today?
General Guy: I don't need to waste my breath, I'm fighting a sorry excuse for jewelry and a ghoul whose main form of attack is moving its head forward. Let the imbecile predict.
King Boo: Very well! LET US HEAR IMBECILE'S WORDS OF WISDOM-DESTRUCTION!
Larry: You guys make me feel less special every day. Anyway, Wind Crystal. Because it'd be funny.
Roy: Totally works!
King Boo: Beautiful! Now, to those who are about to join me in the glorious afterlife... I spit upon your soul! Blehehehehehe! Pokey, begin.
Pokey: Fight.
DING! DING! DING!
General Guy: Welcome to the battle, gentlemen... and Wind Crystal. This is a fight that you shall not survive! If you would lay down your arms and leave, I shall have mercy! If not, I shall use the full force of my army to annihilate you. Do we have an understanding?
Roger: Understand THIS!
Wind Crystal: ...
General Guy: GAH! MY EYE!
King Boo: BLEHEHEHEHE! Oh, that's hilarious! Roger ate the Wind Crystal, and then spat it out into General Guy's eye!
General Guy: Grrr... Troops, ASSEMBLE! Shy Squadron 1, report!
Shy Guys: SIR, YES SIR!
General Guy: Excellent timing. Your mission is to eliminate the threat and inanimate object just removed from my eye.
Shy Guys: YES SIR!
Roger: Oh, right, THESE are going to help.
Fwooosh.
Shy Guys: WE ARE SORRY, GENERAL!
King Boo: Roger just BLEW at the Shy Guys and they were hurled into a wall! How absolutely pathetic!
Wind Crystal: ...
General Guy: GAH!
King Boo: AND WIND CRYSTAL HIT HIS EYE AGAIN! Man, that's never going to get old!
Roger: C'mon, I actually got out of my pot for THIS? This is just sad!
General Guy: And you, sir, are a moron! Taste thy own medicine, demon!
Whoosh...
King Boo: General Guy threw Wind Crystal at Roger, and he dodged rather easily! What a hilarious display.
Roger: Huh. Thought a trained general would have better ai-
Whoosh...
Roger: GAH!
King Boo: WIND CRYSTAL HIT HIM IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD! IT CAME BACK! THAT IS AWESOME!
Roy: This may very well be one of the greatest battles ever.
General Guy: Apparently, it's time to rethink my strategy. Hmmm...
Roger: If you're going to just sit there, I suppose you wouldn't mind your hat being on fire?
General Guy: Oh, do what you must, you blowhard. But I must warn you...
Poof.
Roger: Wha?
General Guy: ... I have successfully fireproofed my symbol of authority. There would be no other way to survive under Lord Bowser, you MUST understand! Now then... en garde!
Roger: Isn't that some sort of swordfish or something?
Crack!
Roger: HEY! LAY OFF THE POT!
General Guy: Oh, my apologies. That seems to be a good weak point to aim for. Thank you kindly for revealing your attachment to such an obvious crippling area!
King Boo: General Guy just hit Roger's pot with a rock!
Whoosh
General Guy: WILL YOU STOP THAT?!
King Boo: Wind Crystal is THE MAN! And I do not give that title to inanimate objects lightly!
General Guy: Hrmph. Solid Shys, on my mark!
Roger: A mark you'll never make!
General Guy: What? What's ha- Mmph!
King Boo: Uhhh... Roger blew some dust that did... something.
Roger: I've shrunk his throat, preventing him from issuing his commands.
King Boo: ... In what kind of demented universe does that make ANY sense?
Roger: This one.
Whoosh
Roger: Not this time!
SHEEN!
Roger: GAH! What was that?!
King Boo: Wind Crystal just shot a light beam at Roger! I have no idea how that works, exactly, but it's just great stuff!
Wind Crystal: ...
Roger: You're rather meddlesome. I'd rather deal with you personally. SHY GUYS!
Shy Guys: Yessir?
General Guy: ...
Shy Guys: U-u-u-uh General! You're l-l-looking well!
General Guy: ...
Shy Guys: ... Ummmm...
Roger: You idiots, clobber him, then push me so that I may devour the Wi-
Whoosh
Roger: IT GOT MY EYE!
Roy: This has to be the most pathetic battle I've ever seen. And it's AWESOME like that.
Roger: IDIOTS! I'm really DONE with waiting around! I've been waiting for YEARS for people to take me seriously, and I am NOT about to be beaten by a silly little...
Shy Guys: WE'RE SO SORRY, GENERAL!
Roger: And the world shall never know my endless pain...
General Guy: Hmph.
King Boo: And General Guy has pulled out a Tasty Tonic!
Glug. Glug.
Roger: That hardly seems fair...
General Guy: Ah... Much better. Now, as I was saying, Solid Shy Squad! FIRREEE!!!
...
Roger: ... Hmmm? I don't see what you're getti-
KA-BOOOOOM!
Pokey: Roger, out.
King Boo: DEAR AFTERLIFE! General Guy just absolutely ANNIHLATED Roger with some sort of stealth force! I don't even know how it happened, I blinked and missed it!
General Guy: This is why you do not underestimate the power of an army, obviously. Now then...
Whoosh
General Guy: You miserable little pest! I'm thankful I won't have to deal with you much longer...
Wind Crystal: ...
General Guy: Now then, Demoshy Platoon, prepare to launch the Bob-ombs!
Shy Guys: Aye sir!
General Guy: Air Shy Force, give 'im everything you got!
Fly Guys: Roger that!
General Guy: Pyro Guys! Do what you do best!
Pyro Guys: Mmph!
King Boo: General Guy just called in this absolutely MASSIVE army of Shy Guys! Is that even allowed?
Roy: Shhh! I want to hear Wind Crystal go Whoosh again.
King Boo: And we have officially lost our minds...
General Guy: Target that useless waste of a fighter, and show him what it means to mess with the general! Simple brute force should be enough to teach these miserable fools how to cower before the might of General Guy! With this, I'll be on the easy, Shadoo-esque track to victory! A satisfying win, I must say. ARMY, AT YOUR READY!
Wind Crystal: ...
General Guy: GIVE HIM ALL YOU GOT!
Whoosh
Army: ...?
King Boo: There's this... strange breeze flowing through the Sports Hall. I can't really explain it... it's just incredibly soothing.
Army: ... Let's not fight. There's no real need. Let's just go home and play poker.
General Guy: WHAT?! YOU FOOLS! I AM YOUR GENERAL AND YOU SHALL OBEY ME! OBEY ME NOW!
Poof!
King Boo: Ooh! And it appears that all of General Guy's army turned into Mushrooms! I guess that was a Petal Blast attack, too bad little man! Blehehehehe!
General Guy: I shall NOT stand for insubordination OR this humiliation! YOU have made a mockery of the proud army of the Shy Guys for the FINAL time! And now, good sir, I shall personally SEE YOU IN DEATH!
King Boo: FINALLY the general brings out his tank. I was wondering what could've taken so long...
Larry: Uhhh... Well, there's an obvious reason...
Roy: SHUT UP!
General Guy: Now then, I suppose that crushing a rock into powder would be the most worthy death for you? All right then... PREPARE TO MEET YOUR MAKER!
King Boo: I believe it has already met Culex.
General Guy: QUIET! NOW TAKE THIS!
Tink.
King Boo: General Guy rammed the Wind Crystal... and it just fell to the ground.
General Guy: NOW PERISH!
Whoosh.
General Guy: What? Why won't you DIE?!
King Boo: General Guy is repeatedly trying to ram into the Wind Crystal, but with no real effect!
Wind Crystal: ...
General Guy: Wha? YOU, SIR, ARE BREAKING THE RULES OF WAR! THIS IS UNFAIR! DESIST AND KNOW YOUR PLACE! WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!
Whoosh
General Guy: GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
BOOM!
General Guy: ... N-n-no... not... here...
Plop.
Pokey: General Guy, down. Winner, Wind Crystal.
King Boo: UNBELIEVABLE! THE WIND CRYSTAL ACTUALLY DID IT! The challenger was able to electrically charge itself throughout the match, electrocuting General Guy's tank from underneath at the prime moment and sending him flying! Or maybe it's just an electrically-charged rock, I'm not certain. But, WHO CARES?! THAT was just... hilarious.
Roy: Best combatant that isn't me ever. That's not sayin' much, but whatever.
Larry: Yeah... but doesn't this go against the whole point of the Sports Hall? I mean, we're supposed to find the strongest, and what's basically a joke combatant now has the door open to-
Roy: SHUT UP, IT'S FUNNY! GET WIND CRYSTAL OVER HERE!
Wind Crystal: ...
Roy: I believe that this crystal has something to say to you, Larry.
Larry: Oh, it's just a rock. How could it possibly do anything?
Whoosh
Larry: BLAGITYBLAGITYBLAGITYBLAGITY- END TRANSMISSION!
Wind Crystal: ...
The winner:
The losers:
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Now you have a choice:
You can go back and memorize the rest
of the battles.
You can go back to the Boxing
Arena, because I know you loved it so much!
Anyone who rats about the conditions
here will be personally pounded by me! If you'd like a pounding, you can
also go back to Lemmy's
Land.