Mario: Hey fellas.

Luigi: How come we got Southern accents alla sudden?

Old-timey music starts playing.

Mario:
Coz I’m in search of the Big Cheese Candy Mountains;
I’m headin for a land that’s far away, where I am gonna stay.
Where rivers flow of cheese, and nothing is took from the bees.
I’m a goin to stay where you sleep all day, you eat some cheese and never sneeze.
I’ll see ya’ll this comin fall in the BIG CHEESE CANDY MOUNTAINS!

The music stops.

Luigi: Okay, that music was uncanny. Let’s go!

Mario: Who’s that over there?

Luigi: Dunno. Looks like a hobo.

Mario: Is that TOAD?

Toad: Yes-siree! Things I have seen most men wouldn’t want to. Terrible things, like a cow on the roof of a chicken house. I also seen gas prices go up dramatically. I also seen Dick Cheney mano-a-mano.

Mario: AAAAHH! THE HORROR!!!

Toad: I also had a friend named-a Ramblin Bob. He used to steal, gamble, and rob. He thought he was the smartest guy around, but I found out last Sunday that he locked up Monday. That got em in the jailhouse way downtown.

Luigi: Why do you guys keep singing bluegrass songs from the 30s?

Mario: Do ya’ll know where the Big Cheese Candy Mountains are?

Toad: I know where you can get a guy who knows. Name’s Pappy O’Koopa. He runs a radio station. He’ll pay anyone information if they sing inta’ his can.

Mario and Luigi go to the radio station.

???: GAAAAAHHH!!!

Mario: What’s that?

Goomba: Oh, nothing. How can I help ya?

Pappy: Get outta my way, Goomba! You be glad your Mammy died in childbirth, coz she’d be ashamed to see you now, ya moron.

Mario: We wanna know where the Big Cheese Candy Mountains are.

Pappy: I’ll tell ya if ya sing.

Mario: Sure.

Mario and Luigi go into the recording studio.

Mario: I am a man... a constant sorrow. I’ve seen trouble… all through my days. I bid farewell to ol’ Kentucky. The place where I… was born and raised.

Luigi and Mario: The place where he-eee was born and raised!

Pappy: Boys, that was some MIGHTY FINE pickin’ and-a grinnin’! I’ll tell ya where the Big Cheese Candy Mountains are… they’re down on Highway 34, on Exit 102A.

Mario: …

Luigi: The mythical Big Cheese Candy Mountains, where ya sleep all day and never sneeze and eat cheese all day?!

Pappy: Yup. Once they found it, it became a major tourist attraction.

Mario: Nevertheless, let’s go.

Mario and Luigi start walking down Highway 34. They see Wario driving down the highway in his Wario Car.

Luigi: Hey Wario! Mind pickin’ us up?

Wario: Hop on in, quick.

Mario and Luigi hop in. Wario speeds off.

Mario: What’s the hurry?

Mario looks back to see the cops chasing them.

Mario: Oh God…

Wario: They ain’t never takin’ me back to Parchment Farm! Never!

Mario: Whaddya do?

Wario: You knock off a little piggly-wiggly and everyone’s against ya.

Mario: What piggly-wiggly did ya knock off?

Wario: Woolworth’s 99 Cent Store.

Luigi: I thought I saw in the newspaper ya knocked over a 7-11?

Wario: No, that was last year. Mind takin’ the wheel?

Wario pulls out a machine gun and starts shooting at the cops.

Wario: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!!!

The cops start shooting back at him.

Wario: YA WON’T TAKE ME DEAD NEITHER!

Wario puts his head back in the car and takes the wheel.

Wario: What exit you want?

Mario: 102A.

Wario: We just passed it. I gotta turn around.

Luigi: Watch out for that machine gun fire!

Wario: I know, I see it! Do YOU wanna drive?!

Luigi: I’m just saying.

Wario: Big Cheese Candy Mountains, eh?

Mario: Yup.

Wario: Have fun.

Wario kicks them out in front of the Big Cheese Candy Mountains Entrance. The cops stop behind them.

Mario: There it is- the Big Cheese Candy Mountains! Where we don’t have to work ever again- and eat nothing but cheese the rest of our lives!

Luigi: YAY!

Cops: Hold it!

Mario: A problem, officer?

Cop: Yup, you were aiding a known fugitive.

Mario: No, we just got a ride from him.

Cop: …

Mario: Oh.

Later we see Mario and Luigi in the jail.

Toad: (playing guitar) They’re in the jailhouse now… They’re in the jailhouse now…

Mario and Luigi: Aw, shut up!

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