Luigi: Hello, and welcome to Luigi’s Do-It-Your-Stinking-Self 13!

Toad: 13? Man… Wait, am I still alive? Didn’t I explode? Also, a pipe went through my eye… plus, I had to eat some of your disgusting baby food! AND I got spit out by a Piranha Plant! Plus I went to jail, like 50 times!

Luigi: Yeah… well… Anyway, today’s episode is how to make the perfect meal!

Toad: Didn’t we already do a cooking show?

Luigi: Yeah, but that was how to make a cake, you silly goose! Anyway, first you need an oven or some other way to make a fire. I’m too cheap to actually buy something, so I’ll have to use something else… *eyes Toad*

Toad: Huh? No way!

Toad runs off.

Luigi: You’ll be back! They all come back… oh, I hope he comes back…

Later…

Toad: Hi, Luigi.

Luigi: Ha! I knew it!

He catches Toad on fire.

Luigi: Oh, Toad! Stop running around in circles screaming to the heavens! You’re so overly-dramatic…

Toad stops and falls over, dead.

Luigi: Okay, so now we have to get some food! I’m craving some McDonalds myself.

Later…

Luigi: I’ll have one double-cheeseburger.

Guy: Here ya go.

Luigi runs off, not paying.

Luigi: Now that we have some food, we have to wait for it to cool off.

20 minutes later…

Luigi: Okay, now that it’s been cooled off, we need to reheat it. I need some help…

Toad walks in and stands next to the fallen and still flaming Toad.

Toad: Hi, Luigi.

Luigi: Hi, Toad 2. You don’t mind putting this cheeseburger on the fire, do ya?

Toad 2: Na.

He grabs the sandwich and puts it on the flaming Toad, then goes back to Luigi.

Luigi: While we’re waiting, let’s make a side dish! Rice is the best, but I’m too cheap to buy some. Hey, Toad, get me some rice from Big Ugly Buff Scary Department Store, k?

Toad: K.

Later…

Toad 2 limps back holding a bag full of rice, then falls over.

Luigi: Ah! Raspberry jam, my favorite topping! Anyway, I’m not allowed to use sharp knives so I’ll need another Toad.

Toad 3 walks by.

Toad 3: Hi.

Luigi: Toad 3, remove Toad 2’s carcass and put some raspberry jam on this here rice! Remember to use the biggest, longest, sharpest knife in the drawer for good measure.

Toad 3: K.

He picks up some “raspberry jam” with a knife and puts it on top of the rice. Luigi pats him on the back, sending him falling to the floor with the knife going through him.

Luigi: Man, I’m flying through Toads today! Toad 4…

Toad 7 walks up.

Luigi: Toad 7? What happened to 5 and 6?

Toad 7: They fell off a cliff.

Luigi: K. Anyway, now we need to check up on the cheeseburger. Toad 7, do that for me while I stay far away. Far, far away…

Toad 7 walks over to the carcass, picks up the cheeseburger, which is now pitch-black, and sets it on the counter, which pretty much appeared out of nowhere. Unfortunately, his hand was on fire, causing the counter to catch aflame.

Luigi: Toad 7, you know we’re not supposed to cook the food for a while.

Toad 7: AAHH!!! MY HAND!

Toad 7 runs off, and off in the distance we can see a giant flame appear out of nowhere. When it disappears, Toad 7 is gone.

Luigi: … Alrighty then, now to put the ingredients together.

Toads 5 and 6 fall from the sky.

Toad 5: Huh? What happened?

Toad 6: We fell off a cliff.

Luigi: People, people! We need to put the ingredients together! Toad 5, help Toad 6 with that while I go put out the fire.

Luigi walks over to the burning Toad and stomps all over his body. Luigi, of course, catches on fire, but seems unaffected.

Luigi: Almost done, guys?

Toad 5 and 6 are laying on the floor, both dead.

Luigi: Oh no… They let the food spill on the floor! You just can’t get good help around here anymore. TOAD 8!

Toad 8 appears out of thin air.

Luigi: There you are, Toad 8. I need you to taste-test my food, k?

Toad 8 takes a tiny bite of the rice and falls over, dead.

Luigi: It must’ve been too good for him to handle. Hey, look. I’m on fire. Anyway, that concludes today’s episode of Luigi’s Do-It-Your-Stinking-Self!

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