Mario and Luigi: Super Secret Agents

Mario: How do we get through the hall?

Luigi: We do this.

Luigi spins around and makes huge muscles so his shirt rips. Huge blasters appear on his back.

Mario: Goody!

Luigi: I’m Rambo!

Mario and Luigi run down the hall. A Goomba with sunglasses appears out of nowhere.

Luigi: Eat Fire Flower!

Luigi pulls a blaster off his back and pulls the trigger. A gigantic ball of fire comes out, followed by a white flash and lots of screaming. The Goomba is gone.

Mario: Hey! Why don’t I get a weapon?

Luigi: Steal one from that guy.

Luigi points to Link, sitting on a bench.

Mario: Okay!

Mario runs over to Link and tries to take one of his weapons.

10 MINUTES LATER

Mario is all bruised.

Mario: I GOT AWAY WITH A REALLY POINTY STICK!

Luigi: A stick? A STICK? A STICK?!

Mario: Yeah!

Luigi: Okay, let’s go!

Mario and Luigi walk down the hall some more. 26-and-a-half Koopas with sunglasses and Fire Flowers fall from the sky.

Mario: I’ll poke ‘em with my stick!

Luigi: You do that.

Luigi jumps in the air. The camera spins around him.

Luigi: IT’S BOB-OMB TIME!

Luigi takes another blaster off his back, pulls the trigger, and…

Koopa #15: But first…

Koopa #5: It’s time…

Koopa #½: For…

All Koopas: BIG MUSICAL NUMBER!

Mario: Aww, but I wanna poke them with my stick!

Luigi snaps Mario’s stick in half.

Mario: What up with the violence?

Koopa #1: Doot doot doot da doot, doot doot doot da dum doot…

Koopa #2: DO THE MARIO!

Koopas #3, 4, and 5: Swing your arms from side to side!

Koopa #6: Come on, it’s time to go- do the Mario!

Koopa #7: Take one step, and then again!

Mario: This is my song!

Mario jumps around and dances. Colorful banners unfurl and confetti drops from the sky. Dry Bones come in from both directions and start dancing. Goombas come in and start square dancing. Huge, colorful spotlights come on. Every monster from the Mario Universe appears and does the Mario.

Koopa #20: DO THE MARIO!

Mario: Come on, now!

Bullet Bills: JUST…

Big Bertha: LIKE…

Everybody except Luigi: THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

Awkward silence.

Luigi: I feel disturbed.

The confetti and banners all disappear and the enemies all run away, except for the 26-and-a-half Koopas.

Mario: I have ringworm!

Luigi: Can we get on with the fight now?

Koopa #1: Oh, yeah. Hey, what’s that ticking sound?

The Koopa looks down and sees a Bob-omb in the crowd of Koopas. It blows up. Boom.

Koopa #½: You didn’t get me!

A shell falls on Koopa #½.

Mario: Luigi! I just realized something!

Luigi: What?

Mario: That I’m…

Luigi: Yes…?

Mario: A complete and total idiot!

Luigi: You JUST realized that?

Mario: No.

Luigi: Idiot. Anyway, the door is closed, and the only way to open it is to solve “Bowser’s Mysterious Puzzle of Mysterious Mystical Mystery”.

Mario: HELP! I’M BEING INSULTED BY A FRENCH FRY!

Luigi: It says that you have to cut the wires in the right order or the room will blow up.

Mario: (pointing to you) I know what you’re thinking. You think that I am going to run over and cut all the wires like a maniac. Well, I’m not. I’m going to do something much, much, much stupider!

Mario goes over to the puzzle and sticks the wires up his nose.

Mario: Pick a wire! Pick a wire!

Mario pulls the wires out of his nose.

Mario: I now have amazing, unnatural powers that I will use!

Luigi: Like what?

Mario holds out his hand and does the happy dance. A huge, dimensional warp appears.

Mario: Now we’re going to another dimension!

Luigi: Which one?

Mario: I don’t know!

The lights dim. Mario and Luigi appear on a stage.

Announcer: Get ready for… MUSHROOM IDOL! Here are the judges, Kammy…

Kammy: If you sing bad, I’ll turn you into a frog!

Announcer: Pauline Abdul…

Pauline: Hi everybody!

Announcer: And Simon Toadwell!

Toadwell: I just know that your singing is absolutely dreadful just by looking at your face.

Kammy: And what are you gonna be singing today?

Luigi: Pick a song that won’t make us lose! We might go to Mushywood!

Announcer: And the grand prize, a big trip to… BOWSER’S BURGER KING!

Mario: I’m gonna be singing “YMCA”!

Luigi: I’m doomed.

Mario: YOUNG MAN! Pick yourself off the ground! I said, YOUNG MAN! There’s no need to feel down! YOUNG MAN! ‘Cause you’re in a new town, there’s no need to be unhappy!

Toadwell: Absolutely horrible. No.

Pauline: It was okay… I think…

Kammy: I dunno, man. You REEEEEEALY need to practice.

Announcer: Since Mario and Luigi lose, I get to eat their heads.

Luigi: WHAT?

Mario: Cheese?

Announcer: Yeah, you’re gonna wake up after this dream sequence.

Pauline turns into a clock. Toadwell starts doing the worm. Kammy starts drinking milkshakes slowly. Everything turns all flashy and weird-colored. Mario starts petting a log and talking backwards.

Luigi: This is weird!

Mario: !pu ekaW !pu ekaW! !pu ekaW!

Luigi: How did we get here?

Mario: I want a pony!

Mario and Luigi are floating in space. Mario starts dancing. A gigantic spaceship comes by and sucks up Mario and Luigi in its tractor beam. It’s being piloted by the 26-and-a-half Koopas.

Luigi: YOU! But first, how did we get here, anyway?

Koopa #12: You passed out after the big musical number, so we were going to take you back to our home planet to dissect you, but Koopa #18 just HAD to stop at the store to buy his Cosmopolitan magazine.

Koopa #18: I don’t read it or anything. I just… uhh… read it for the ads! Yeah, that’s it! I read it for the ads.

Koopa #12: Anyway, while we were buying his magazine, Mario snuck you out of the ship. We picked you back up.

Luigi: Two questions. One, I thought that you were from Plit, are you aliens?

Koopa #12: Yeah, we’re aliens.

Luigi: And two, how did MARIO of all people plan an elaborate escape from a high-tech spacecraft traveling at warp speed through an uncharted galaxy he’s never been in before?

Mario: I FOUND A CARROT!!! ZOMG!!! I’M GONNA PWN YOU ‘CAUSE I’M L33T!

Mario pulls a carrot out of his pocket and pokes Koopa #12 with it.

Koopa #12: This is awkward.

Nobody moves. Nobody speaks. Time freezes.

Mario: EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!

Mario does the Funky Chicken.

Koopa #½: Let’s get him!

Mario: I’ll hold ‘em off with my carrots!

Luigi: NO!

Mario: LOOK OUT!

A big, red curtain appears for a minute, then disappears. Everybody appears on a stage. Battle music starts playing.

****************************************

Mario: 100 HP
Luigi: 100 HP
Koopa Group: 100,000,000 HP

Luigi: Hey! Why do you get so much HP?

Koopa #12: We don’t! All of us only have 1 HP, but Koopa #½ has 99,999,974 HP, and he’ll be doing most of the fighting.

Koopa #½: Yeah!

Koopa #½ steps out of the crowd and grows 20 times his size. All of the other Koopas run.

½ Koopa: 99,999,974 HP

The music changes to boss battle music.

Mario: Uh oh! I think I wet my pants!

Luigi: Shush up!

½ Koopa attacks with: GIANT FOOT OF DEATH!
½ Koopa raises his giant foot and stomps on Mario and Luigi.
Mario: 50 HP
Luigi: 50 HP

Luigi: That’s one strong attack! I guess I’ll have to use my strongest!
Luigi attacks with: MARIO!
Luigi holds up Mario in front of ½ Koopa.
Mario: Wanna talk about my foot fungus?
½ Koopa: It BURNS! It BUUUUUUURNS!
½ Koopa: 99,999,973 HP
Luigi: WHAT THE? It only did 1 HP of damage!

½ Koopa: My turn! Time to go night-night!
½ Koopa attacks with: GIANT PINBALL MACHINE OF DEATH!
½ Koopa screams and stomps on the ground. Giant shells fall and start sliding around. Really fast.
Luigi: OW! OW! OW! OW! OW!
Mario: Why aren’t the shells hitting me?
Mario: 50 HP Luigi: -100,000,000,000 HP *DEAD*

Luigi: Mario! Do something!

Mario: Okay!

Mario breakdances.

Mario: Now it’s my turn.

Mario attacks with: WICKED COOL MUSIC, ANIME, AND FLASHING LIGHTS ATTACK!
½ Koopa: What?
The room goes dark and the lights flash insanely. “Breaking a Habit” by Linkin Park starts playing. Mario flashes and turns into an anime guy with a huge hammer. The wind goes insane and blows like crazy in all directions. The ground breaks into a star shape.
Mario: Let’s do this.
½ Koopa: What’s he gonna do?
Luigi’s ghost is too speechless to talk. Mario jumps in the air and holds his hammer with both hands. His eyes start going red.
Mario: TIME TO FINISH THIS!
Mario flies through the air like a speeding bullet towards ½ Koopa, pulling his hammer back.
½ Koopa: YIKES! HELP!
Mario: Take…
Mario swings his hammer forward.
Mario: THIS!!!
The hammer comes crashing into ½ Koopa. The music stops. The whole world turns bright white, so white that nobody can see what’s happening.
Koopa ½: YAAAAAAAAH!
The white light fades. Mario turns back to normal. His smoking hammer falls to the ground. Luigi’s ghost stares, mouth agape, at Mario.

Luigi’s Ghost: Oh… my… DAD…

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