Roy: Welcome back to the Mushroom Games! I’m filling in for Crazy Packers Fan right now, at least until he gets over that Packers game...

Crazy Packers Fan: Shut up about the game! I’m back, and we’re going to give away a whole bunch of coins,
although I don’t feel like it right now!!!

Roy: He’s still not over it, so I’ll stay in charge. As you probably know by now, the winning team today
receives 8 million coins, while the losing team gets 800,000 coins. This final challenge is-

All 16 players: OH NO!!!

Roy: I didn’t even say it yet!

Crazy Packers Fan: I’ll explain it. Today’s challenge, although not from a Mario game, will have bits and
pieces of Mario items and things involved. It’s going to be a football-

All 16 Players: OH NO!!!

Crazy Packers Fan: That’s the expected reaction. It will be a football game, but since most of you watching this have no idea about football, I’ll make it simple. See this ball? It’s called a football.

Roy: This could take a while...

Crazy Packers Fan: Anyway, I won’t get into anything detailed. You have one player hand the ball through
their legs to another player, who’s the quarterback. Then that quarterback either hands it to a teammate,
throws it to a teammate, or runs with it. The other team simply tries to tackle the player with the ball, but cannot tackle a player without the ball. Any questions?

Daisy: How do we stand a chance against these big Brothers?

Crazy Packers Fan: You don’t.

Roy: Well, at least he tells the truth.

Crazy Packers Fan: The game has four 15-minute quarters, and your score gets added to the points you
already have.

Roy: Which gives the Mario Morons a slight advantage.

Crazy Packers Fan: Right. You have four plays to advance ten yards. If you don’t make it, the other team gets the ball. If you do make it, you get to keep on going. If your team advances the ball over the goal line, you get six points. Then you may try to kick the ball through those goalposts for an extra-

Everyone is asleep, except for Roy.

Crazy Packers Fan: -point. What happened?

Roy: You should have just let them play.

Crazy Packers Fan: All right. Wake up!

No response.

Crazy Packers Fan: WAKE UP OR I’LL BRING MARIO BACK!!!

All awake.

Peach: Ball, tackle, let’s play!

Daisy: Who gets the ball first?

Tony: Obviously our team.

Crazy Packers Fan: We flip a coin. Heads is the “Mario is stupid” side. Tails is the “Link is even stupider”
side.

Hammer: Tails!

Roy: The call is heads!

Crazy Packers Fan: And it lands on its edge! As we thought, of course. We’ll just make the Mario Morons kick off anyway!

Daisy: WHAT?!

The King: What’s a “kickoff”?

Roy: Kick the ball off this tee.

Crazy Packers Fan: I forgot to mention we’ll have lots of obstacles, right from Ludwig’s newest invention.
Like when I press this button-

Five Bob-ombs fly into the arena and explode.

Crazy Packers Fan: You’ll get a surprise.

Daisy: Oh, of course!

Yoshi: Any food for Yoshi?

Roy: Here’s something tasty!

Yoshi: Yum!

Crazy Packers Fan: OUCH!!!

Roy: Oops. Sorry about your hand!

Crazy Packers Fan: Arr... Now kick that ball!

The King runs up to the ball and misses. When he trips and falls, his other foot taps the ball and it rolls off the tee. Hammer runs up and picks up the ball. He then gets accidentally tackled by Waluigi, who was actually trying to run off the field.

Crazy Packers Fan: The Hammer Brothers get the ball at the 30-yard line!

Hammerer: We do?

Roy: This is going to be some game...

The Hammer Brothers line up like a real team would, but the Mario Morons run around the field not knowing
what to do.

Tony: Uh, give me the ball!

Sledgy snaps (or gives the ball between his legs) to Tony, who steps back five steps, then throws to Hammer for an easy touchdown.

Crazy Packers Fan: Touchdown, Hammer Brothers!

Toad tackles Hammer. Roy (the referee) throws a yellow flag.

Toad: What is that flag for?

Roy: Personal foul for tackling after the play! That will be fifteen yards on the kickoff!

Toad: What an official! His tonsils should be torn out!

Roy: Good thing that script writer edits what Toad says.

The Hammer Brothers line up for the extra point.

Tony: Hey, what happens if we run a normal play instead?

Crazy Packers Fan: If you get in the end zone, you get two points instead of one!

Tony: Okay! Um, hand me that ball!

After the snap, Tony runs straight forward, knocking over Sledgy in the process of scoring.

Crazy Packers Fan: It’s good! That makes the score:

Hammer Brothers 8
Mario Morons 0

Roy: This is boring! Where are the Morons?

On the kickoff Luigi catches the ball and, seeing the Hammer Brothers charging at him, he runs the wrong way through his own end zone.

Luigi: I-a scored-a touchdown!

Crazy Packers Fan: Actually, that is considered a safety, worth two points for the Hammer Brothers! And now the Mario Morons punt to the Hammer Brothers, because it’s a safety!

The same thing happens three more times.

Roy: We now move ahead in our coverage because of time constraints.

Crazy Packers Fan: And now it’s halftime, with the score:

Hammer Brothers 40
Mario Morons 0

Our ratings are probably really down because of your poor performance, Morons! Get going!

Daisy: We’re about to quit!

Roy: It’s time for the Morons to kick off!

Waluigi catches the kickoff this time. Suddenly, the field turns to ice and Flurries are skating all over it.

Waluigi: Whoa! I’m scared of Flurries, but even more than Flurries, I’m scared of ice!

Waluigi slips and falls. By some luck he slides all the way down the field, down to the one-yard line.

Peach: Is that good or bad?

Daisy: Last time I checked, that’s good. Let’s go!

It’s the first offensive play for the Mario Morons all game long, and since they don’t know what to do, they
panic.

Daisy: You run over there, Toad, and Peach, you stay off the field.

Luigi: I’ll take the ball!

Wario: You’d better not!

Yoshi: Yoshi take it!

Waluigi: I’m scared of that ball now, so don’t give it to me!

The King: Ball?

Wario snaps the ball to Yoshi, who finds out how heavy a Sledge Brother is.

Yoshi: 897 pounds!

Roy: Second down!

Wario: Here’s a better idea. We all push the Hammer Brothers as hard as we can, and Toad just runs around
us.

Daisy: Great idea!

After the snap, the Mario Morons find out how hard it is to push a bunch of big guys. Toad slips and falls right away.

Roy: Third down!

Wario: This time, let’s have Peach throw the ball to whoever she sees first!

Peach takes the snap, and sees Tony coming right at her.

Peach: This is a strange gameplan, but here’s the ball!

Tony: Thank you!

Tony takes the ball and keeps running down the field. At the one-yard line, Goombas fly on to the field. Tons of them. Enough to stop Tony from going any farther. A Nipper Plant also appears, biting Tony’s leg, which stops him at the one.

Peach: Well, Wario, how about that gameplan?

Wario: I meant someone on our team, not anyone!

Daisy: Oh!

On the next play, Tony is stopped by a sudden slew of Pidgits. On the play afterward, a ton of Troopas stop
him. And on the next play, a bunch of Bandits get in the way.

Tony: What’s causing this?

Crazy Packers Fan: Ludwig’s invention.

Tony: Oh. Invention? This isn’t fair!

Crazy Packers Fan: These are the Mushroom Games! Nothing’s fair here!

Roy: Fourth down!

Tony: We’ll kick the ball for a field goal!

The Brothers kick a field goal, giving them three more points.

Crazy Packers Fan: That ends the third quarter, with the score:

Hammer Brothers 43
Mario Morons 0

Roy: We might as well just give away the coins now!

Crazy Packers Fan: Actually, these points just get added on to the points the Morons have already, so the
Morons need only 14 to keep the lead.

The Mario Morons get the ball back on the kickoff, and since the kick goes out of the end zone, it is considered a touchback and the Morons get the ball at the 20.

Lemmy: Translation?

The Mario Morons get the ball!

Lemmy: Thank you.

Roy: Hey, what are you doing here?

Lemmy: Ludwig and I are helping on the sideline in case of a measurement!

Roy: Oh.

Ludwig: And we’re hoping we don’t have to do anything!

Wario: This time, Yoshi’s taking the ball, and he’s going to run as long as he possibly can!

Yoshi: Gulp.

Wario: Here!

Yoshi starts running all over the place. Obstacles from all Mario games fly at him, including bricks, ? Blocks, pipes, Boo balls, Troopa shells, Bullet Bills, Podoboos, and even barrels from the Donkey Kong arcade
game. Yoshi takes 14:45 to get past them and all the Hammer Brothers to score a touchdown.

Yoshi: Yoshi score!

Luigi kicks the extra point, giving 7 points in all to the Morons.

Crazy Packers Fan: We have 15 seconds remaining, with the score:

Hammer Brothers 43
Mario Morons 7

The Morons need 7 more to win anyway, so they’ll need to kick the ball on the ground and hope that it bounces off a Hammer Brother and back to them!

As you figured, that situation plays out, and the Morons get one last shot at a win.

Yoshi: Let’s do the same thing!

Wario snaps the ball to the dinosaur, and off goes Yoshi to the end zone, where he is tackled by Boomer.

Roy: Let’s measure to see whether Yoshi got in!

Ludwig and Lemmy bring a chain over.

Roy: He’s in! Touchdown, Morons!

Crazy Packers Fan: What a turn of events! Although it looked like a kill for the Hammer Brothers, the score
is now:

Hammer Brothers 43
Mario Morons 13

The Morons must just kick an extra point to win it!

Luigi lines up to kick the ball, with no time to go in the game. His kick is up, and it’s-

Roy: Drumroll, please.

BAD!!!

Roy: Or no good. Either way, that kick was short of the goalposts, and the Morons don’t score!

Crazy Packers Fan: Our Mushroom Games scoreboard now reads:

Hammer Brothers: 383
Mario Morons: 383

Now let me read the official Mushroom Games rulebook. In event of a tie, the teams must play a sudden-death overtime game of Troopa shell hockey. Whoever scores first gets one point, and the game, and the Games themselves end.

Daisy: What’s “Troopa shell hockey”?

Crazy Packers Fan: Everyone gets a hockey stick and swings at the Troopa shell. You’ll play on this icy
arena. Whoever gets it in the opponents’ net first wins! You should have goalies for each team.

Wario: Then I’ll be a goalie.

Sledgy: So will I.

Roy: This is serious. The winners get a ton more coins than the losers and will be remembered forever.

Crazy Packers Fan: Ready, go!

Daisy: Where’s our sticks?

Roy: Oh, the sticks! Take these!

Crazy Packers Fan: On your mark, get set, go!

Daisy: Where’s the Troopa shell?

Roy: Oh, the Troopa shell! Take this!

Crazy Packers Fan: Three, two, one, go!

Both sides keep swinging and missing the sliding and spinning shell. Finally Tony gets a shot near Wario, but the overweight loser stops the shot. After about an hour of no score, Hammer finally gets control of the shell. He passes to Tony.

Tony: This time I’m going to try a different strategy!

Tony, with the shell in front of his stick, goes right into Wario. The shell goes halfway across the line before both teams get into a fight, mainly because Wario got nailed hard.

Daisy: That was cheap!

Hammer: We’ll see who’s cheap now!

The shell comes back out from the goal as Roy breaks up the fight, actually by punching everyone out.

Roy: I’ll see an instant replay now!

Roy looks into a replay booth. He watches to see if the shell crosses the line completely, or just halfway, which is the difference between a goal or not, a win or a loss, and 8,000,000 or 800,000 coins.

Roy: After reviewing the play...

Everyone holds their breath, except for the players who are lying on the ice dazed.

Crazy Packers Fan: Wait! Time for that Mario Sunshine commercial!

After the stupid commercial...

Crazy Packers Fan: Go ahead, Roy.

Roy: The shell-

Everyone gasps, except for those confused players.

Roy: -did not cross the line the whole way! Just 90 percent of the way, which is not enough!

The shell, which came out of the goal as Roy broke up everything, keeps sliding across the ice, all the way
into the other goal!

Roy: The Mario Morons get a goal! They win!

Crazy Packers Fan: The Mario Morons win the Mushroom Games!

The crowd explodes. Fireworks go off. The still-groggy Morons start to celebrate while Tony Soprano looks
like he’s about to cry.

Crazy Packers Fan: Our final score is:

Mario Morons: 384
Hammer Brothers: 383

Here’s your 800,000 coins, Hammer Brothers, 100,000 for each of you, and here’s your 8,000,000 coins,
Mario Morons, 1,000,000 for each of you! Give them the money, Koopalings and Susan!

Roy: Let’s hear something from our winners!

The King: We won? Is that a good or bad thing?

Toad: I knew we would win the whole time! I think...

Waluigi: Don’t say that! I’m scared of coins, but that’s nothing compared to the way that I am scared of
winning!

Wario: A million coins equals a million cheeseburgers! Yoshi and I will be living and eating it up on our
island!

Peach: Thanks to me, we are the champions!

Daisy: No thanks to Peach, we are the champions, and I’ll buy an army to take over the Mushroom Kingdom
with this!

Luigi: Yes! I’ll share this with my brother! Wait, maybe not...

Crazy Packers Fan: And here’s the Mushroom Games trophy, awarded to our Most Valuable Player, Yoshi!
What have you got to say, Yoshi?

Yoshi: Yoshi still hungry!

Roy: As always.

Crazy Packers Fan: Next week we’ll do that Survivor thing, as we’ll talk to our competitors and reminisce
about the Games, as well as seeing what they’re doing now! Until then, good night, and congratulations to
our winners, the Mario Morons!

Misty: May I say something?

Crazy Packers Fan: Go ahead.

Misty: This game’s STILL RIGGED!!!

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