Part 8… I think: The Thousand-Year Door

The party WOULD have woken up, but Mario had been screaming all night.

Mario: But I-a REALLY need to go!

Luigi: The bathroom is right next to you!

Mario: … What?

Goombella: You said you had to go to the bathroom…

Roasty: It’s right next to you!

Mario: But I don’t-a need to go!

Ms. Mowz: But you said you needed to go.

Mario: I did?

…

Mario: Really… Not-a anymore…

…

Mario: I NEED TO GO POTTY!

Luigi: Would it make you feel better if I went in with you?

Mario: Yes-a.

They go in. 15 minutes later, Mario walks out with an accomplished look on his face. Luigi walks out with a petrified look on his face.

Mario: I-a missed.

Luigi: I don’t like life anymore.

Vivian: Don’t worry, Luigi. It’s all gone now, take deep breaths and count backwards from ten.

Flurry: It’s only one, we can get some sleep.

They all relax.

Mario: Hey guys, guess what?

Koops: What?

Mario: I gotta go potty…

Mario’s face slowly turns red. It enlarges anime style.

Mario: NOW!!!

Mario pulls out two AK-47s and starts blasting the air.

Mario: RAWR!!!

Mario puts away the guns and takes out a box labeled “SUPER LAXITIVES. HIGHLY DANGEROUS.” He takes them and runs into the bathroom. Many screams and groans are heard. Mario walks out.

Mario: It-a was fun beating up the janitor. Except he-a screamed a lot.

Luigi: Oh, so it wasn’t you? It’s okay guys, you can hold your lunches.

Mario: Uh oh, the laxitives are kicking in.

Mario runs into the bathroom, and the police run into the room. They put police tape over the door that says “WARNING. DO NOT CROSS. HEALTH HAZARD.”

THE NEXT MORNING…

The party’s eyes are glazed over. Mario is looking like he is in pain. Frankly rips off the door hinges and throws the door at Mario.

Frankly: You will not believe the night I had! I lost one minute of sleep! I’m so cranky!

Everyone angrily looks at Frankly, except Mario, who is unconscious. The party all walk out of the room, stepping on Frankly. Mario crawls out.

Mario: Wait for me!

They all make it to the Thousand-Year Door.

Roasty: Open up!

Voice From Inside: No!

Flurry: We have Girl Scout cookies.

A ghost bursts from the door. Mario eats it. Everybody stares at him.

Mario: Y-O-D-A, YODA!

After a moment of silence, everyone strolls through the door. It shuts behind them.

Mario: What a dump.

Vivian: There should be traps in here. Where are they?

Luigi steps a centimeter forward and is hit by a rope of fire. He is sent flying into the air and back to the entrance.

Luigi: How did I get back here?

Flurry steps in the same spot, flies in the air, and lands on Luigi.

Roasty: So we’re automatically sent to the entrance?

Koops: How lazy of the designers.

Luigi: Get off of me, you fat cow.

Flurry now has an astonished look on her face.

Flurry: Fat? Big-boned, maybe, but not fat!

Flurry uses her Gale Force to move the fire rope. Then they come toward Luigi. A moment later, Luigi is charred.

Flurry: That’ll show ya.

Luigi sheds a tear.

Mario: I don’t-a think he can move.

Mario stuffs Luigi in a bottle and moves on to the next room, which is empty except for a red carpet.

Mario: I would like to accept this Emmy for greatest achievement in bringing Mario to the world.

Mario walks through the next door to accept his Emmy, and sees that it is the same room as before.

Mario: What the?

Mario opens the door to the room they were just in.

Goombella: They’re the same room.

Ms. Mowz: No duh.

Roasty advances through the next door

Roasty: We’re out of the endless rooms.

Vivian: Those didn’t seem endless… Wait a minute, who are those people over there?

In the distance, the two Shadow Sirens and Doopliss are laughing.

Mario: MARY!

Mario runs toward Marilyn.

Beldam: Sorry, Mario, but Marilyn and Doopliss are in love now!

Mario’s skin begins to turn green and his eyes become green. Mario begins savagely destroying Doopliss molecule by molecule.

Mario: MAKE HIS FIGHT ON THE HILL IN THE EARLY DAY
CONSTANT CHILL DEEP INSIDE
SHOOTING GUN ON THE RUN THROUGH THE ENDLESS GRAY
ON THEY FIGHT, FOR THEY ARE RIGHT, YES, BUT WHO’S TO SAY?
FOR A HILL, MEN WILL KILL WHY? THEY DO NOT KNOW
SUFFERED WOUNDS TEST FOR PRIDE
MEN OF FIVE STILL ALIVE THROUGH THE RAGING GLOW
GONE INSANE FROM THE PAIN THEY WILL SURELY KNOW

By now, Doopliss is in many pieces, but still being attacked.

Mario: FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS
TIME MARCHES ON
FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

TAKE A LOOK TO THE SKY JUST BEFORE YOU DIE
IT’S THE LAST TIME YOU WILL

Doopliss has been completely sent into Purgatory.

Beldam: What just happened?

Luigi struggles out of the bottle.

Luigi: When Mario gets angry beyond belief, he turns Hulk-ish and bursts out singing songs from Metallica. Copyright infringement galore.

Mario: NOW-A FOR BELDAM!

Beldam runs away screaming. Mario shrinks and hugs Marilyn.

Marilyn: I guh you.

Mario: I guh you, too.

Everyone, including Marilyn, walks into the next room, a palace-like room. In front of them are Kammy and Bowser.

Mario: Where in the world have-a you guys been this whole time?

Bowser: Well, if the author hadn’t been so lazy and wrote my parts in, it wouldn’t be such a mystery!

A deep crying is heard from all directions.

Luigi: What was that?

This is quickly ignored. Mario walks up to Bowser and slaps him.

Bowser: Ow! What the?

Mario: Well, we’re-a supposed to fight or something, so I should get the first strike.

Bowser runs to Mario and pokes him in the eyes.

Mario: Hey!

Marilyn: Oh, guh you DI-INT.

Marilyn charliehorses Bowser.

Kamek: Bowser, sir!

Kamek gives Bobbery a wet willy. Luigi then accidentally steps on Vivian’s foot.

Vivian: Hey!

Vivian goes to punch Luigi, but accidentally hits Roasty, who falls back onto Ms. Mowz, whose glasses go flying off her and hits Koops, who jumps in shock and bumps into Flurry, who falls on Luigi, who falls on Goombella and flattens her. The fight breaks into a free for all. Midway through the fight, Flavio bursts through the window with a flaming sword made from the screaming souls of his former crewmates. Later, the DDR announcer’s voice falls through the roof and starts screaming at an incredibly high pitch. At the end, the DDR announcer breaks his voice box, Bowser and Kamek are thrown from a staircase, Mario and Marilyn hug each other in fear, Koops, Goombella, Bobbery, and Flurry are savagely beaten and pass out. Luigi loses his shoe, Flavio is suspiciously unharmed. Roasty is charred (living up to his name), and Ms. Mowz is crying.

Luigi: What should we do about the ones who were knocked unconscious?

Flavio: Flavio hates them. Flavio says we should leave them here.

Mario: A-Mario says that’s a good idea.

As they head toward the door, the Shadow Queen bursts through.

Ms. Mowz: Who are you?

Shadow Queen: I’m the main villain!

Luigi: Wow, really?

Peach enters the room.

Peach: MARIO! Since TEC is moving in with me, I’m kicking you out! The box I have has your stuff in it!

As Peach heads toward the door, the Shadow Queen swoops toward her and possesses her. Peach’s head spins around.

Peach: YOUR MOTHER S-

Roasty: Woah! We are trying to keep this story PG! No Exorcist references!

Peach/Shadow Queen: Then we fight!

Everybody is suddenly wearing boxing uniforms and gloves.

Flavio: Sorry, but Flavio doesn’t hit girls.

Peach/SQ kicks Flavio in the back of the head.

Mario: No! Flavio was my best friend!

Luigi: You barely knew him.

Mario starts beating Luigi.

Mario: I’LL BEAT YOU TO A #*)&$&%^*($(% PULP, WEEGI!

Ms. Mowz and Peach/SQ are currently engaged in battle. Peach is struck down and the bell rings.

Ms. Mowz: I win!

Peach/SQ lose(s) her/their temper(s). She gets up to hit Ms. Mowz but punches too high. Peach/SQ falls over backwards onto a stool and snaps her pinky. She’s carried out on a stretcher.

Luigi: We win!

The Shadow Queen bursts back into the room.

Shadow Queen: That was only Peach’s body, not me!

Mario pulls out his AK-47 and starts shooting at the Shadow Queen. Seconds later, she is covered with paint.

Roasty: That’s a paintball gun?

Mario: Well duh-a. What idiot would sell me a real gun?

Flavio: Flavio will. Flavio is a master of the black market. Flavio will sell you an Uzi Submachine Gun for 1,000 coins!

Mario: But I can only hold-a 999.

Luigi: I have one!

Shadow Queen: …

Mario puts the coin in his pocket and his pants burst open. The sight of Mario’s I LOVE FURBY boxers make the Shadow Queen run off screaming.

Mario: Oh no you don’t.

Mario drags the Shadow Queen back. A fire burns in Mario’s eyes as he engages her in combat. Her cell phone rings.

Shadow Queen: Hold on, I have to take this. Hello? Oh, hey Portia. She did WHAT? Tell her she should never buy a candy bar without her friends’ consent! She should have told us!

While the Shadow Queen is distracted, the party places her in a catapult. She is launched to Antarctica, while still talking on her phone. She freezes, then cracks.

Luigi: That is so familiar, yet so… terribly anticlimactic.

The unconscious part of the party wakes up.

Goombella: Wait? We won?

Koops: And it is all thanks to us!

Ms. Mowz slaps Koops, and they start walking home.
 

EPILOGUE

3 months later, in a wedding chapel, Mario, with his best man Flavio at his side, is getting married to Marilyn.

Priest: Do you, Mario Mario, take Marilyn Marilyn to be your lovely wedded wife?

Mario: Oh yeah.

Priest: Marilyn?

Marilyn: Guh yeah.

Priest: And instead of kissing the bride, the couple will savagely beat Frankly.

Frankly: What? BULLPEN!!!

Marilyn takes out a torch and Mario takes out a club.
 

EPILOGUE PART 2

Mario and Marilyn lived happily ever after.

Flavio eventually became dictator of the world, but was quickly arrested for black-marketing.

Luigi went on his own adventure and published it as a book.

Ms. Mowz cried for all time, since Mario was taken.

Frankly went into the witness protection program and hid from Mario.

The rest of the party lived uninteresting lives.
 

AUTHOR’S NOTE:
Thank you all so much for supporting me over the past year and a half. I have suffered from countless cases of writer’s block. You’re the best. Please give me feedback and continue reading.

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