Trollish Beastfighter: Welcome to Lemmy’s Interview Show!

Cameraman: You know, no one is here, and that really was a pathetic intro.

No One: You’re right. That was stupid.

TB (Trollish Beastfighter): Oh well. In one second, everyone should arrive.

(Suddenly, the seats are flooded with guests.)

TB: (clearing his throat) Now… Welcome to Lemmy’s Interview Show! Today, Link from Legend of Zelda will interview Mario.

(Link arrives by jumping from a strange, Triforce-shaped portal.)

(Adult) Link: Holy crud! A troll!  Ugly troll, DIE!!! Hyyahh!!!

(TB catches Link’s slashing sword and somehow twists it to flip Link to the ground.)

TB: Oh, so now this is a racist issue of appearance. I also fight for Law and Order, for your information.

Link: Argh!

TB: First, grab this sword.

(TB hands Link a Kokiri Sword while wrenching the Master Sword from him. Link suddenly shrinks and becomes Young Link.)

Link: Aaaaaaahhhh! Nnoooooooo!!!

One minute later…

Link: Fine then! Where is my ***** interviewee?

(Mario jumps into the interviewee chair.)

Mario: CHEESE!

(A light flashes.)

Mario: It is-a me-a! Mario!

(Mario sees Link’s sword and slaps him in the face.)

Mario: I challenge thee to a duel!

Link: Okay! Seyahh!!!

(Link chops Mario in half. Trollish Beastfighter grabs Link and ties him into the interviewer chair. TB throws a 1-Up Mushroom at Mario’s remains.)

Mario: (leaping into the air) Cheese!

TB: Hmm… What will make Mario smarter…? Ooo! I know!

(TB rushes to and from Albertson’s in five seconds and returns with a gigantic ten-gallon pickle jar filled with what.)

Audience: WHAT?!

TB: Precisely. A jar filled with the essence of something that is spelled W-H-A-T.

(With a mighty heave, TB smashes the pickle jar on Mario's head and actually knocks him out for ten seconds.)

Audience: Woah!

Mario: Thanks, TB. Now, who is interviewing me?

Dark Koopa: WHAT?! I hate you, TB! The pickle jar! The duel with Mario! You stole that from me! By E. Gadd, I will have Lemmy’s lawyers on you, EVIL TROLL!

TB:  $#%&*! Why didn’t I read more of the Lemmy Land submissions? I’m sorry, excuse my language, but I wouldn’t criticize me that way if were you.

Dark Koopa: WHY?!

TB: As I said, I fight for Law and Order.

Dark Koopa: Impossible!

TB: Go see my records.

(Dark Koopa reads TB’s records and notices how he rescued a girl’s cat from a tree and donated 5,000,000 to charity.)

Dark Koopa: Darn!

TB: The duel in both cases was inevitable.

Dark Koopa: Darn!

TB: As for the pickle jar, GIVE ME ANOTHER SOLUTION!

Dark Koopa: Uh…

TB: Whatever, how about this. You let me borrow those two minor details for my special plot of the story, and you get to borrow (ehem, take) 1,000 gold pieces.

Dark Koopa: Yay! That settles it!

(Dark Koopa starts to run out the door.)

TB: Oh, I don’t think so!

(TB beats Dark Koopa to the door, closes it, locks it, and proceeds to do the same to the emergency exits.)

TB: EXCUSE ME! You also need to watch the show like everyone else. Coming is okay, but leaving before it is over is an insult!

Wario, Bowser, and a lot of other audience members: CAN I HAVE SOME GOLD TOO?

TB: NO! I ONLY HAND GOLD TO THOSE THAT DESERVE IT, SO NEVER ASK FOR IT OR ELSE!

(The audience starts to sweat.)

TB: Hot in here? Okay!

(TB turns on the air conditioner and lights a match near the emergency sprinkler system. Ice rains onto the audience.)

Fryguy: Nooooooooo!!!

(Fryguy is smothered by the intense cold, and the rest of the audience starts to freeze. TB turns off the sprinklers and the air conditioner.)

Link: Okay, now for the Interview. What is your last name, Mario?

Mario: Mario.

Link: What is your last name?

Mario: Mario.

Link: WHAT’S YOUR LAST NAME?!

Mario: Idiot, it is the same as my first!

Link: So you are called Mario Mario?

Mario: Yes. That means my brother is Luigi Mario.

Link: So that is why you are called the Mario Bros.

Mario: Correct.

(Luigi is seen getting very furious in the back row.)

Luigi: It’s not fair! Darn you, TB! Now I am the stupid brother!

(Luigi stomps to the men’s room. Loud sobbing, cursing, and complaining comes from there immediately.)

Link: Why are you obsessed with cheese? Is it your favorite food?

Mario: Cheese is actually my fifth favorite food. I am obsessed with it because I envy my brother’s shape and size. He’s so tall and thin. I am told calcium makes you taller and helps you lose weight. I think cheese is my choice for a source of calcium.

Link: So what are your favorite foods?

Mario: First and foremost would be Starman. Contrary to popular belief, you eat these to use them. When you eat them, you become invincible for three minutes. They taste pretty zesty and are very addicting. Second would be Fire Flower, which again is eaten for effects. They taste spicy and grant me Firebrand for an hour. Third would be Super Mushrooms, which taste like croissant rolls and make me stronger for two hours. Fouth would be pasta, which is nourishing, a good part of my diet, and great with cheese. Sixth would be cake, which simply tastes sweet.

Morton: Would you be my friend, please, and come with me to-

Link: Wait your turn and SHUT UP! Least favorite food?

Mario: Invincishrooms. They tasted the best of all, but being a Beanbean crafted product, I was allergic to them and nearly died.

Link: Okay. Questions from the audience.

Morton: Will you be my friend since I like to talk, and so do you, and we like cake, you could help me make some wedding-

Mario: NO!

(Mario lines Morton’s mouth with Krazy Glue and closes it.)

Extreme nintendo master: What is your favorite game?

Mario: That would be Mario & Luigi: Superstar Saga, since we both got along better in that adventure as brothers.

Wario: Why are you still fat?

Mario: HEY! DON’T YOU DARE SAY THAT, FATSO! (Ehem.) Unlike Luigi, I was born with some weird disorder that I believe lowered my IQ and somehow also made me fatter.

Waluigi: What-a do you-a think of-a Luigi?

Mario: Unlike what lots of people think, we get along quite well. We really love and care for each other, despite the occasional family feud. Luigi does get jealous over my fame, but he really wouldn’t want to spend five hours a day signing autographs.

???: (in an apparently fake voice) Who do you like better? Peach or Daisy?

Mario: I must admit, I think Daisy is cuter…

(??? tears off her costume and reveals herself to be Peach.)

Peach: WHAT?!

Mario: … But Peach has done more for me by inviting me to tea and coming to more Mario Parties, and has been nicer and gentler in general.

Peach: (suddenly with hearts in her eyes) Aw, you’re too kind.

Stupid Goomba: Duh, aw ye gong to be in mor games?

Mario: (Woah! He spelled games right!) Duh, yes. It is simply a matter of what Nintendo thinks of.

Stupid Goomba: Duuuhhh, Play-do matter thinks…

Link: Time’s up! Now, for Mario and TB…

(Link pulls the Master’s Sword out of nowhere, becomes Adult Link, and frees himself from his bindings.)

Link: Hut, Ha, Seyahh!!!

(The following has been censored due to violence the author doesn't like, but when it ends, Link is gone.)

TB: (while kicking the doors down) You may now leave.

(The entire audience disappears in two seconds.)

Cameraman: End Transmission!

TB: Thank you!

CLICK!

Larry: Blagidiblagidiblagadyblag…

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