Hammer Sis: Why am I in this pit?

Shady: It may be a pit but I call it home!

Hammer Sis: No, I mean this hole in the floor, like 30 feet down, with skeletons.

Shady: Oh, that. That’s my trap hole. I installed it in case that Prince Peasley came back.

Hammer Sis: But he can fly.

(Shady zaps her again.)

Shady: Silence!

Hammer Sis: Are you insane or something?

Shady: How can anyone be insane on Plit? We've got wizards, talking Mushrooms, talking turtles, sometimes with wings, flowers that shoot fire, turtles with spikes on their backs that shoot fire, democracy, and pizza.

Hammer Sis: Good point. Can I come out?

Shady: (in a thunderous voice) NO!

Hammer Sis: But you have an Interview today.

Shady: (zapping Hammer Sis) Oh yeah, that’s right. Who is it anyways?

Blaze: Fire Bro, sir.

Shady: Excellent.

Shady: You know the drill. Bowser Town, ok Interview, forced to stay audience, hamburgers. Ok, let's begin.

(Fire Bro walks onstage with a fireball in his hand. He slowly pets it.)

Fire Bro: Soon, my pet, soon I’ll feed you the world!

Shady: Ahem.

Fire Bro: Oh, hello.

Shady: Hey.

Blaze: Greetings.

Hammer Sis: You stink!

Fire Bro: …

Shady: How did you get out?

Hammer Sis: Randomness.

Shady: Everyone’s answer for everything.

Toad: Bowser, you have committed crimes against our great land. You have kidnapped princesses, stolen from the Stars, interrupted all the major sports events, and spilled my coffee! Why have you done this?

Bowser: Randomness?

Toad: Ok, you’re free to go.

Shady: Let's begin! Ok, so why aren’t Fire Bros. being seen in the recent video games?

Fire Bro: I was in Mario Baseball!

Shady: No one cared about that.

(A banana hits Shady with a baseball bat.)

Banana: It’s peanut butter jelly time!

(Blaze eats the banana.)

Hammer Sis: Why couldn’t I eat it? I’m starving!

Cuz Blaze is more popular than you.

Hammer Sis: Well if DAD says it, it must be true.

Fire Bro: Can I answer the question now?

Hammer Sis: Sure.

Fire Bro: Well, Fire Bros. are almost an extinct race. The original Fire Bros. were given Fire Flowers to give them their strength. That power passed down through the generations and now, in this generation, is stopping.

Blaze: Why?

Fire Bro: Well, women today say that they're SCARED of us!

Hammer Sis: Well, when a hug from you can set forest fires, women don’t entirely find you safe with children.

(Blaze is seen trying to get a date with a Koopa, who runs away screaming.)

Yoshi: Ha ha! Loser!

(Blaze sets the Yoshi’s row, which is full of other Yoshis, on fire.)

Hammer Sis: Ok, about your fire… can it come out of anywhere else besides your mouth?

Fire Bro: Oh sure! I can throw fireballs from my hand, or I can set other things on fire, watch!

(He stares at a camera. After a little bit it bursts into flames.)

Hammer Sis: You’re paying for that.

Fire Bro: Aw man.

Hammer Sis: Ok, next question. Why are all Fire Bros' shells red?

Fire Bro: Well the shells are actually see-through. You see, we have flames that come out of our backs, and this turns the shells red.

Hammer Sis: Ok then.

(He throws a fireball at a stage curtain.)

Hammer Sis: Why’d you do that?

Fire Bro: … I don’t know.

(Shady wakes up.)

Shady: … What? My curtain!

Hammer Sis: It doesn’t matter, does it? There wasn’t anything behind it but a brick wall.

Shady: Yeah, but I hide behind it at night because I have a fear of being stabbed.

Hammer Sis: So you hide behind the curtain at night to protect yourself?

Shady: That’s right.

(Hammer Sis smiles evilly. Shady shocks her.)

Shady: Oh yeah! I forgot to ask this to that stupid Hammer Bro last time.

Hammer Sis: That was me.

Shady: Why are all the Bros' faces more flat than Koopas' faces?

Hammer Sis: Because Bowser likes to punch us in the face on a daily basis.

Shady: Last question, then something! Last Interview, I heard about a test that the Fire Bros. had to take to get a Flower. Can you tell me about this test?

Fire Bro: Sure, well the test was created to find smart Koopas to control the fire. The test contained questions that took knowledge of every kind of college course to complete.

Shady: In other words, more then 50 IQ points.

Fire Bro: Exactly.

Shady: Audience time! Seat 38!

Koopa: Are you fireproof?

Fire Bro: Let me check.

He sets his arm on fire, it turns to ash and blows away.)(

Fire Bro: Nope.

Blaze: Seat 247,858!

Yellow: Can you control fire?

Fire Bro: I think so.

(He throws a fireball and concentrates on it. It hovers in midair for a second, then it hits him in the head, bounces off his helmet, then hits Yellow.)

Audience: Ha Ha Ha!

Fire Bro: … Controlling fire’s very hard!

(Blaze is seen juggling a hundred fireballs.)

Hammer Sis: Why is Blaze getting more camera time than me today?

Shady: Because nobody likes you.

Hammer Sis: He’s been getting more time then you too, you know.

Shady: … You’re right! Blaze, we’re going to have a serious talk afterwards!

Blaze: *gulp*

Hammer Sis: … Seat 783!

(She gets zapped.)

Hammer Sis: … 524?

(She gets zapped again.)

Hammer Sis: I’m getting a little dizzy. Seat 2?

Shady: Are you related to Fire Chomps, Snakes, and anything else that’s on fire?

Hammer Sis: What are you doing?

Shady: Eating this guy’s pudding?

Goomba: Give it back!

Hammer Sis: Answer the question.

Shady: Ok, I’m hiding from the Nazis.

Hammer Sis: I was talking to Fire Bro.

Shady: *zapping… you know by now) Why not me? What about my womanly needs?

Hammer Sis: Can we just end this?

Shady: (zapping) Ok, answer the question I forgot.

Fire Bro: We’re not related and related at the same time. Most of the fire monsters of the world are made from Magikoopas who used the same Fire Flowers that made us on themselves and then, by using their magic, the fire monsters were born into the world.

Hammer Sis: Interesting.

(She gets zapped, again.)

Shady: No enjoying the torture! Seat 73!

Shy Guy: Can you win against Blaze in a fire fight?

Fire Bro: Let's see!

(Two minutes later, the studio has been turned in to a flaming pile of rubble.)

Shady: That guy didn’t know what he was getting himself into. Get over here, Blaze! It’s time we had a talk.

Blaze: …

Hammer Sis: This is going to take a looooong time.

Shady: (zapping Hammer Sis) END IT!!!

Hammer Sis: LIVE LONG AND PROSPER!

Two hours later...

Prince Peasley: Where is everyone?

(He falls in the pit.)

Prince Peasley: Oh no! A hole in the ground over where I was hovering! My only weakness!

Have an Interview or a suggestion of your own? Email me!
Go back to Lemmy's Interviews.
Go back to my main page.