The Hooded One: Welcome to Hood Interview Show, with me, The Hooded One. This isn't a way to take over the world via brainwashing. Today we'll be interviewing a little brown fungus. Come onstage, Goomba.

Goomba: I heard that, you know! I'm not completely weak either like Nintendo has portrayed me. I've been pumping steel!

The Goomba raises a flabby leg. The audience laughs.

The Hooded One: You've been pumping feathers, maybe. Now we will begin with the first question. How have you felt about your role in the Mario Game series?

Goomba: I am very furious about the way they put me in as a stepping stool. I bet you may be expecting me to quit and get a nice desk job or something, right? But it's actually a very high paying job. They pay me 30 coins an hour.

The Hooded One: Pathetic. This journalist job gets me 409 coins an hour. Isn't that right, cameraman?

Cameraman: Nuhu-

The Hooded One: ISN'T THAT RIGHT, CAMERAMAN?!

Cameraman: THAT'S PERFECTLY TRUE!

Goomba: Anyway, I have a family to feed, you hear? Next question, please.

The Hooded One: What sorts of battle tactics do you use? In the games we never see you actually attack. Mario usually gets hurt by bumping into you. And the only time I recall you actually attacking was with a tackle in Mario 64.

Goomba: The games are very inaccurate. What they portray as "Mario getting hurt by bumping into us" is actually like this. He runs close, we bite him. Our teeth are razor sharp. And then we can headbonk. So I guess you haven't played the Paper Mario series, hum?

The Hooded One: No, I can't aff- I mean, no, but mainly because the colors hurt my eyeballs.

Goomba: I thought so. And then we kick Mario in the gut, which is my favorite... Nintendo must have got an account from Mario when he was eating sugar straight out of the pack.

The Hooded One: So you guys aren't completely defenseless after all...

Goomba: You got it. Although we aren't the best at defense.

The Hooded One: All right, just one more question after this one and we go to my future sla- I mean my audience for them to ask questions. Does the Goomba King command a nation or just those two red and blue Goombas?

Goomba: The Goomba King commands more than just two Goombas like in the game. He has a nation called Goomland out in an island in the Mushroom Sea! No, the reason you don't see him commanding an army or having a bigger castle is because it would take up a hefty chunk of memory in the game if there were like one thousand Goombas on screen. Also, the Goomba King's Castle is heavily fortified with traps, cannons, magic barriers, and more. It would make for a hard trek that early in the game. And then again Goombas, even enhanced by magic or the Star Rod like he was, aren't going to be very strong.

The Hooded One: I thought you said you were strong.

Goomba: No, I said we have a variety of good attacks. Hah! In your face, plotholes!

Plothole King in Audience: Quiet, you! I'll have you ground up into fertilizer!

The Hooded One: Now for my final question. Most people think of Goombas as uncivilized barbarians incapable of getting any points on an IQ test they're so stupid. What are your views on this?

Goomba: Goombas aren't incapable of intelligence! I mean, look at that hot Goombella! She's a Goomba's Goomba and beyond in intelligence. I think the reason we have that reputation is because many of us are working for Bowser. And according to him, you don't need to be a rocket scientist or 50 years old to join. So most people send their babies off to him where they are cared for by castle servants and raised in the arts of combat only by military instructors and veteran Koopatrols who are too old to fight.

The Hooded One: So you aren't ruthless savages... Audience, feel free to ask the brown mushroom your questions.

Goomba: (growling) WATCH IT!

The Hooded One: Seat PASTA&CHEESE.

Mario: Are-a you with-a Bowser or-a Goomba King-a?

Goomba: Goomba King-a, stupid-a!

The Hooded One: I like your style. Seat NONMARIOGENIUS.

Dr. Eggman: What is your IQ level? If it's higher than mine, I'll give you a spot as head engineer.

Goomba: It's... um... 145.

Dr. Eggman: That beats mine! I scored a 144. Meet me at the pyramids in Dry Dry Desert tonight.

Goomba: I'll be there.

The Hooded One: SOMEONE WHO IS A MARIO CHARACTER!!! Huff... huff... huff... Seat... blabber...

Morton: Do you like to talk as much as I do because I love to talk the whole day and most of all do you like that white delectable treat served at a wedding called WEDDING CAKE?! It is so good, it's white and fluffy like the bride's gown and AGGH!!!

(The Hooded One is seen with a sniper rifle.)

The Hooded One: I hope he died, I missed the head... Seat YAYIHAVEMYOWNGAMENOW!

Princess Peach: What would you do for a Klondike bar?

Goomba: I'd make sure that Morton dies!

Morton: stillaliveidon'tknowhowthough...

(The Goomba throws a brick at Morton.)

Morton: ohDADthepainithurtssobad...

Princess Peach: Good boy!

(She throws a Klondike to the Goomba.)

Goomba: Yay!

(The Goomba eats the Klondike.)

The Hooded One: We have got just enough time for one last question. Seat D-A-D.

DAD: Dost thou believeth in Familikoopism?

Goomba: No, I'm a Reformagoom.

DAD: Thou shalt be punished later...

The Hooded One: Tune in tomorrow for when we interview the Mexican Pirate Spirit, Cortez. Goomba, you get to be our cameraman. The other has no personality.

Goomba: YAY!

(The Goomba runs for the camera but trips and knocks it over. The camera breaks.)

END TRANSMISSSION.

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