Shady: Hello, and welcome to today’s Interview!

Hammer Sis: … That’s it? No off screen conversations, no crazy objectives that don’t relate to the Interview at all, no killing sprees?

Shady: I wanted to try something fresh.

Lemmy: You mean concentrating on your job?

Shady: Exactly, that and the fact that it’s the end of this season and I want to end it quickly.

Blaze: Season?

Shady: You know, the little break between odd numbered Interviews where I sit on my butt, play video games, and think of side projects for the summer.

Shadow Mario: Shadow Paper Mario 2! Woohoo!

(He jumps out a window.)

Shady: … Yeah.

Hammer Sis: Should I bring in Peach?

Shady: Sure.

(She brings Peach onstage in a body bag, then she dumps her out of the bag and into her chair.)

Peach: Zzz…

Shady: … Blaze, you know what to do.

(He explodes right next to Peach, causing her to wake up.)

Shady: I meant pour water on her head, but that works to0.

Peach: Where am I? Am I being kidnapped again?

Hammer Sis: In a way, yes.

Shady: I would like to ask you a few questions, please.

Lemmy: Lemmy’s Interview Show!

Shady: I don’t do that. I’m original.

Lemmy: Ah man.

Shady: Anyways, about those questions…

Peach: Fine. I’m selling weapons to the Beanbean kingdom, drugs to Dark Land, secretly married to Wario, and I have a bomb implanted in Mario’s brain that will go off if he disobeys me.

Shady: 0_0!

Hammer Sis: 0o0!

Audience: (.)_(.)!

Blaze: (--)__(--)!

Shady: What kind of face is that?

Blaze: A Chinese one.

Hammer Sis: Well… Let’s just start asking questions. Why do you get kidnapped a lot?

Peach: I have really lazy security.

Guard Toad: Zzz…

Shady: What is your relationship with Toadsworth?

Peach: He’s my grandpa, duh.

Shady: But he’s a Toad and you’re a… um… Anti-Toad?

Peach: No.

Blaze: A slightly taller Toad?

Peach: No.

Hammer Sis: A mutated Koopa who's not wearing his shell?

Peach: No!

Shady: Then what are you?

Peach: Human.

Hammer Sis: What is this hu-Man of which you speak?

Peach: Let’s just say I’m the same species as Mario and leave it at that.

Blaze: So you’re a monkey?

(Peach hits Blaze with her frying pan.)

Blaze: Ow.

Hammer Sis: You deserved it. In tons of the Mario games you carry around a parasol as a weapon but at the beginning of those games you don’t have it. What do you do with all those parasols?

Peach: I sell them online to nerds who don’t need them.

Nerd: It keeps me out of the sun.

(Peach easily takes the parasol out of the nerd’s hands. He quickly melts.)

Shady: Wouldn’t it make more sense to hold on to them so when you do get kidnapped you can defend yourself?

Peach: Yeah, it would.

Shady: …

Hammer Sis: … Ok then. If Mario couldn’t save you how would the Mushroom Kingdom get you back?

Peach: By paying the kidnapper a large number of coins.

Shady: You mean there’s money to be made in this?

Peach: Yup.

(Shady grins with a disturbing smile.)

Hammer Sis: … Anyways, why are you so… so…

Blaze: Fat?

(He gets hit in the head with the same frying pan.)

Blaze: Again I say, ow.

Hammer Sis: And again I say you deserved it, oh and I was going to say pretty but I don’t care about it anymore. How did you float in the air in Super Mario Bros. 2 without your parasol?

Peach: I actually had my parasol in that game but they didn’t put it in because of the lack of pixels.

Shady: So you can kind of fly while using your umbrella thing but you still don’t carry it around.

Peach: Yup.

Shady: …

Blaze: Audience time!

Hammer Sis: Ok, seat…

Shady: Hey! I’m the only one who says when it’s audience time!

Blaze: Oh, sorry.

Shady: Audience time!

Blaze: …

Shady: Seat 21!

Koopa: How did you like your first real game?

Peach: I hated it! They made me walk for long periods of times, they gave me a rude, talking parasol, and my powers were lame! (sarcastically) Oh how cool! I can make fire appear out of nowhere just by getting angry! Oh! I can make pretty flowers grow by crying like a baby!

Hammer Sis: But I like flowers.

Peach: Luigi got a way better game than me, and I’m not talking about his stupid mansion game!

Shady: Super nerd in seat 678!

Super Nerd: *snort* Hello. Where did you get all those stars during the boss fight with Elder Princess Shroob?

Peach: I can make them out of thin air and use them as weapons.

Shady: So you do have a way to defend yourself in a kidnapping!

Peach: Yep.

Shady: …

Peach: …

Shady: That’s it! I can’t take this retard anymore. I’m going to the bathroom, you two finish this thing up.

(He leaves in the opposite direction of the bathrooms.)

Hammer Sis: … Whatever. Seat 493626!

Yellow: Why was your nose so big at the end of Super Mario Bros?!

Peach: The stupid programmers messed up my design! They also made me shorter and changed my dress from pink to white!

Blaze: Seat 2!

Toad: Are the rumors about you killing Toads to make Mushrooms true?

Peach: What?! No! I would never do a thing like that!

Toad: Phew!

Peach: I would get Toadsworth to do it for me! There’s no way I’m dirtying up this dress!

Hammer Sis: Why do you care about your dress so much? No one likes it.

Peach: … They don’t?

Hammer Sis: Nope.

(Peach starts to cry with anime-like fountains of water coming out of her eyes.)

Blaze: Hey, don’t cry.

Peach: *sniff*

Blaze: You’ll look uglier.

Peach: What, did, you, say?!

(Flames form around her as she pulls out a huge frying pan.)

Blaze: *gulp*

Hammer Sis: Hit the deck!

Audience: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

BOOOM!!!

…

(The studio is now destroyed and everyone is dead except for the major characters.)

Peach: I’ve had enough of this abuse! I’m leaving!

(She leaves through what’s left of the door. Lemmy comes out of what’s left of the bathroom.)

Lemmy: What did I miss?

Hammer Sis: Oh nothing.

Hole in ground where Blaze was: My legs!

Hammer Sis: You didn’t have any.

Hole: Oh yeah.

Lemmy: Those last four sentences had a lot of H’s in them.

Hammer Sis: Well I guess that raps up my 19th Interview.

Lemmy: Hey, where did Shady go?

Cameraboo #1: Hey! Be quiet! I’m trying to watch TV over here!

TV Announcer: We interrupt this far more interesting show to give you this news bulletin. An armed Koopa is seen on top of this abandoned building with Princess Peach as a hostage!

Shady (on the TV): Give me the money or you’ll never see your princess again!

Cameraboo #1: Gasp!

Hammer Sis: Gasp!

Hole: Ow and gasp!

Lemmy: Gasp!

Everyone Else: Yawn...

Hammer Sis: What’s going to happen next?!

Hole: Find out next time!

Lemmy: Ah man.

Hammer Sis: LIVE LONG AND PROSPER!

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