TV Reporter: The crazed interviewer Shady Parakoopa has kidnapped the Princess!

Random Guy: Um wwe already knew that.

TV Reporter: Oh. Well… He’s armed!

Random Guy: With what?

TV Reporter: Arms!

Random Guy: …

TV Reporter: More news as it unfolds!

Random Guy: This is why I stop watching the news.

Hammer Sis: Turn down that TV and help me over here.

Blaze: Sorry.

(He turns down the volume and floAts over to Hammer Sis, who's currently sitting at a table looking over some papers.)

Hammer Sis: Look outside and tell me how many people have lined up.

Blaze: Um… About 1,000.

Hammer Sis: Wow! A lot more people came to audition then I thought!

Paratroopa: Audition? This isn’t the line for the bathroom?

Hammer Sis: No, this is the line for auditions to see who will take Shady’s place in the show.

Paratroopa: Then where’s the bathroom?

Blaze: Down the hall.

(Everyone but five people run towards the bathrooms.)

Blaze: …

Hammer Sis: *sigh* Oh well. Send one of them in.

(A Piranha Plant follows Blaze inside.)

Hammer Sis: Name?

Piranha Plant: Chomp!

Hammer Sis: Ok, Chomp, we’re going to simulate a stupid Interview and see how you do.

She takes out and opens a can with the words “Goomba in a can” and throws it to the ground. A type of gas fills the room, then forms into a small Goomba.

Goomba: Who?! What?! Where?! When?! How?!

Hammer Sis: We’ll sit right here and watch your progress.

Blaze: You may begin… now!

Chomp: Hello and welcome to another Interview! This week we’re in a small studio located between Toad Town and Goomba Village! Today I will interview Goomba!

Goomba: That’s me!

Chomp: Hello there, Goomba. How are you today?

Goomba: Pretty good.

Hammer Sis: That was a good start, Chomp. Now start asking real questions.

Chomp: (drooling) What do you taste like?

Goomba: Like a potato, I guess.

Chomp: Sounds delicious!

(He tries to eat the Goomba but Blaze burns him to a crisp first.)

Blaze: Next!

(A Toad walks in.)

Hammer Sis: Name?

Toad: Sam T.

Blaze: You may begin… now!

Sam: Begin with what?

Hammer Sis: Interviewing.

Sam: Oh yeah. Why don’t you have arms?

Goomba: Because this is how DAD made us.

Sam: Um… Who do you work for?

Goomba: We work for the great Goomba King, and the Goomba King works for Bowser, so we do what he says, too.

Blaze: You’re doing good, Sam.

Sam: Is it true that you’re a Poison Mushroom?

Goomba: Well we are Mushrooms, but we’re not poisonous.

Sam: If you're Mushrooms then how can you talk and walk and stuff?

Goomba: Thousands of years ago a Toad like yourself got his mushroomed head cut off by a Magikoopa, but he didn’t realize that he'd left his wand behind when he left the Toad to die. With the Toad’s last bit of strength he grabbed the wand and was given new life as the first Goomba.

Sam: Cool.

Hammer Sis: Thank you for coming, Sam T, but you're not what we’re looking for.

Sam: What? But I did that perfectly!

Hammer Sis: Yes, but you forgot two things. One thing you forgot was to be funny. For example, let's redo that last question, ok?

Goomba: Sure, I guess.

Hammer Sis: If you're Mushrooms then how can you talk and walk and stuff?

Goomba: Thousands of years ago…

Hammer Sis: What is it with people and thousands of years ago?! People back then were either destroyed by great, evil killing machines or they were evil killing machines! I bet your great ancestors didn’t have one of these!

(She pulls out a cell phone which starts ringing the victory music to a Final Fantasy game.)

Hammer Sis: Wait… This isn’t mine! Mine plays that stupid Ridin’ Dirty song.

(Blaze and Hammer Sis trade their phones back.)

Hammer Sis: See how much different that question was from your boring question, Sam?

Sam: But the Goomba didn’t get to answer the question! No one learned anything from that question at all! And another thing, that wasn’t funny!

Hammer Sis: Well that brings us to the second thing you forgot. You forgot that we have a pro death policy on Toads. Next!

(Blaze charbroils the Toad and sends in the next candidate.)

Hammer Sis: Name?

Luigi: You know my name!

Hammer Sis: … Link?

Luigi: NO!

Hammer Sis: …Mario?

Luigi: NO!

Hammer Sis: … Waluigi?

Luigi: NO!

Blaze: This will take awhile.

(He turns up the volume on the TV.)

…

TV Reporter: So what are your plans on how to rescue the princess?

Cop: Well we can’t find Mario… so we’re going to try something sneakier.

TV Reporter: How so?

Cop: Well right now I have some of my men sneaking in through the back door, so unless he has a TV in there or can hear my loud talking…

(A thudding noise can be heard, followed by Shady throwing the unconscious bodies of Police Toads out of the window.)

Cop: …

TV Reporter: … More news as it unfolds!

…

Hammer Sis: … Luig…

Luigi: Yes?! Go on!

Hammer Sis: e?

Luigi: AHHHHHHH!!!

(He jumps out of a window.)

Hammer Sis: What's his problem? He got the job.

Blaze: Who knows?

Hammer Sis: Yeah… Next!

(A Yoshi walks in.)

Hammer Sis: Name?

Yoshi: Dark Yoshi 123!

Hammer Sis: NEXT!

(Dark Yoshi 123 leaves with his head to the ground. At the same time a green-shelled Koopa with reading glasses on slowly walks into the room and takes a seat.)

Koopa: Hello there. Lovely day we’re having, isn’t it?

Hammer Sis: Just shut up and interview.

Koopa: Very well then. Where do Goombas live?

Goomba: Well the ones who work for Bowser live in his castles. The rest of us live in trees or dirt or beds of flowers.

Koopa: Then why is it that Goombas have been seen in Rogueport, Glitzville, and other towns?

Goomba: Those Goombas were lucky enough to find work and used that money to buy houses in those areas, but a Goomba finding a job is very rare.

Koopa: I know how you feel. This is the fourth job interview I’ve gone to this month!

Goomba: What were the other jobs?

Koopa: I tried out as a mailman, an ice cream man, and even fast food worker, but each time I got rejected.

Goomba: Sorry to hear that, man.

(Blaze notices a news report about separate incidents where all of the workers at a post office, an ice cream shop, and a Burger King were mysteriously butchered to death. He thinks about it for a minute but quickly forgets about it.)

Koops: This would be about the time to start asking audience questions, but we have none so let's continue. Care to explain why the Goombas in Super Mario RPG could shoot thorns out of their mouths?

Goomba: Well, first of all those are not thorns, their fangs. The Goombas who fired them were a special breed who could eject their fangs at will and then grow them back in five minutes. Unfortunately, they all died out.

Koopa: Ok then. Next…

Goomba: Aren’t you going to ask how they died out?

Koopa: Oh, I already know. Most of them accidentally choked on their own fangs and suffered a wonderfully horrible death.

Goomba: You sound like you enjoyed saying that.

Koopa: Oh, well… Next question. How can you hold stuff if you don’t have arms?

Goomba: We balance ourselves on one leg and use the other one to grab stuff.

Koopa: Then why is it that in some Mario games the stuff you're holding just floats around you?

Goomba: The programmers are very lazy.

Koopa: Last question, why is it that you're so squishable?

Goomba: Well we have no bones, so I guess that’s why.

Koopa: But you do have organs… right?

Goomba: Yeah.

Koopa: So when you're squished, your blood would flow like the red sea?

Goomba: Y-yeah. You're starting to freak me out.

Koopa: Oh… Sorry about that. Well I guess that’s it.

Hammer Sis: Close enough. You're hired…. What was your name again?

Koopa: The name's Slim.

Hammer Sis: Whatever, Slim.

(Blaze squishes the Goomba and leaves the room with Hammer Sis. Slim starts to follow when suddenly he hears something coming from the TV.)

TV Reporter: This just in! The psycho maniac killer Koopa, named Slim, has escaped from the Dark Land crazy house and has been spotted near Toad Town! Suspect is armed and very dangerous and must not be approached!

In about .05 seconds, Slim’s arm disappears, reappears with a butcher knife, chops the TV in half, and then returns the knife to his shell.)

Slim: (evilly) LIVE LONG AND PROSPER! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Blaze: What's so funny?

Slim: Oh, um… Family Guy was on.

Blaze: Ok then.

Slim: …

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