BLAZE interviews GOOMBA KING

By Shady Parakoopa

Hammer Sis: Hey guys. Sorry I’m late. When I was at the store I ran into Dark Koopa, so I…

(She falls into the pool of blood.)

Hammer Sis: (gasping for air) What, the…? Slim! Did you go on a murderous rampage?

Slim: (swimming in the pool) Maybe…

Hammer Sis: Slim, the first rule you have to learn about being an interviewer is that you can’t kill everyone.

Slim: Why?

Hammer Sis: Because they pay after the show.

Slim: Oh.

Hammer Sis: Now help me clean this place up before someone sees it.

???: (knocking on the door) This is the police! Random dead body search!

Slim: @#%&!

Police Toad: Ha! I was only pulling your leg. You left your purse at the grocery store, ma’am. Good thing I found it or you would have been in troubl…

(He notices a dead body floating by.)

Police Toad: … (on walky-talky) I’m going to need backup.

Two seconds later…

Hammer Sis: (being handcuffed and forced into a van) I’m innocent! That’s not even my blood!

Police Toad #2: That may be so, but look what I found in your purse!

He holds up a bag of white powder.

Hammer Sis: … That’s a bag of sugar.

Police Toad #3: Tell it to the judge!

Police Toad #4: Hey! This one’s got a gun!

Slim: You planted that gun on me!

Police Toad #4: Prove it!

Slim: It has the words “Property of Police Toad #4” written on the side of it.

Police Toad #4: … This one’s hostile!

(The Police Toads dogpile Slim, then throw the two of them into the van and drive away.)

Blaze: *yawn* What’s going on…?

(He notices that he is alone in a studio full of blood and corpses.)

Blaze: (looking around) Sweet…

A knocking sound is heard on the door.

Goomba King: Hello? I’m here with about a thousand people for my Interview today.

Blaze: Not sweet. Cue montage!

(Nothing happens.)

Blaze: … Nuts.

Three hours later…

Blaze: You can come in!

(They enter the studio, which is now twice as messy with more corpses.)

Goomba King: What the…?

Blaze: Don’t ask.

Goomba King: I can’t be seen in a place like this! Goombas!

(A thousand Goombas storm the studio and clean it up, then they leave.)

Goomba King: That’s better.

Blaze: … Right, let’s begin.

Goomba King: Wait! Where’s my intro?!

Blaze: Your intro?

Goomba King: You need to introduce me to the audience by saying, “Come on down, King!”

Blaze: … Come on down, King?

Goomba King: Hello, New Jersey!

Everyone: …

Blaze: … First question…

Goomba King: How did I become king? Bowser gave me powers above that of a normal Goomba so all the Goombas obey me.

Blaze: … How did…

Goomba King: I know about that last question? Well I’m a master of reading lips, so I guessed it.

Blaze: Great… Next question!

Goomba King: Where did I get this crown? The Goombas gave it to me so they would know that I am their king!

Blaze: Stop doing that! Next…

Goomba King: Question! What’s with the Red and Blue Goombas that follow me around? They’re close friends of mine who decided to follow me when I became the king.

Blaze: Will you cut that…

Goomba King: Out?! If Goombas can’t beat people in a fight then we’ll beat you in a mind game! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Blaze and the Goomba King: SILENCE! KNOCK THAT OUT!!!

Blaze: … N…

Goomba King: -ext question! Why am I so fast? That’s one of the things I asked for from Bowser when he gave me my powers. That’s why I was able to outrun Toad in the Mario Kart DS boss battle thing.

Blaze: I hate you so…

Goomba King: Much! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Blaze: … How can you create…

Goomba King: Goombas? I just do the same thing Paragoombas do when they make Microgoombas. I shed some of my skin, and it comes to life!

Blaze: Then…

Goomba King: Why didn’t I make Goombas in the boss battle in Paper Mario? I just got my powers so I didn’t know I could do that until later.

Blaze: I’m going to kill…

Goomba King: Me! If you kill me than the Interview will end, and if it ends, then you’re out of a job! Hahahahaha!

Blaze: Says who?!

Goomba King: Says me, the great Goomba King!

(Blaze’s hand radiates with an unholy flame but he quickly cools it off after thinking of a better way of killing him later.)

Blaze: Hahahah…

Goomba King: I don’t like where this is going.

(Hammer Sis is seen getting thrown into a small cell with Slim and a few shady characters.)

Hammer Sis: Ow! And you hurt my feelings, too!

Slim: Um, Sis? I wouldn’t scream stuff like that if I were you…

Hammer Sis: Why?

Slim: (whispering) Look who we’re locked up with!

(She looks around and notices that they’re in a small cell with Doopliss, Crump, Grodus, some guys in Smithy’s gang, the hat from Monopoly, Daisy, and Link, who’s getting beaten up by some other Mario characters.)

Hammer Sis: So? I can take these guys on.

Slim: That’s not the point! Look over there!

(He points to Shady Parakoopa.)

Hammer Sis: %#@$! He must’ve got thrown in here after the whole kidnapping the princess thing.

Slim: If we keep quiet, maybe he won’t notice us…

Hammer Sis: Um, Slim?

Slim: What?

Hammer Sis: He’s right behind you.

Shady: Hello…

Hammer Sis and Slim and for some reason Shady: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Blaze: All right, smart guy, next…

Goomba King: …

Blaze: … Well?

Goomba King: Well what?

Blaze: Aren’t you going to…

Goomba King: Finish your question? Well I would, if it wasn’t time for audience questions!

Blaze: Stop ruining my first…

Goomba King: Interview!

Blaze: Anger… rising… must… kill!!!

Goomba King: Seat 512!

Koopa: How did you grow so big at will in all those other games, but not in Paper Mario?

Goomba King: Well when I shed some skin to make Goombas, the skin swells up and grows bigger. I just suck in the Goombas I just made back into my body and I grow bigger. And like I said earlier, I didn’t do that in Paper Mario because I didn’t know back then that I could do that.

Blaze: Why didn’t you…

Goomba King: Interrupt him? I just wanted to drive you crazy.

Blaze: And you succeeded!

Goomba King: What are you going to do about it?

(Blaze holds up a picture of Goomba King at that Christmas party. Everyone gasps and the Goomba King cries.)

Blaze: Are you going to …

Goomba King: (crying) Stop?! Yes! Just put it away!!!

Blaze: That’s a good boy.

(Goomba King wipes his eyes with a tissue. At the same time, Blaze uploads the picture to the Internet.)

Blaze: Hahaha… Seat 266!

Toad: Why are your pants red and white?

Goomba King: *sniff* They make me look royal.

Toad: Yeah, a royal pain.

Blaze: Seat 2006!

Mario: Cheese! Why are you so stupid?!

Goomba King: I’m not stupid!

Mario: Cheese!

Goomba King: No! You are!

Mario: Cheese!

Goomba King: You!

Camera Boos #1, 2, and 3: You’re both idiots.

Blaze: Seat 29!

Goomba: Why did you only run around in circles in Super Mario 64 DS?

Goomba King: Well it wasn’t like I could maneuver too well in that small area, but I had you guys watching my back so I thought everything would turn out ok.

Goomba: But we gave Yoshi the ammo he needed to finish you off!

Goomba King: …

Blaze: Idiot. Seat 3,533!

Dark Yoshi 123: Why…

Blaze: Are you a Yoshi?

Dark Yoshi 123: Yes.

(Blaze starts charging up a huge fireball.)

Dark Yoshi 123: I mean no!

Blaze: (throwing the fireball at another Yoshi) Never mind then.

Dark Yoshi 123: … Anyways. Why did you leave the ? Switch outside where Mario could find it?

Goomba King: I didn’t leave it out there! Red and Blue Goomba did that!

Dark Yoshi 123: Sure they did.

Goomba King: …

Blaze: Seat 3!

Yoshi who got turned into Ashes: How did you get that bridge folded up and turned into that tower thing?

Goomba King: Kammy used her magic to do that so Mario couldn’t cross that gap.

Blaze: Last question, seat 3,434,534,535,363!

Yellow (still in a coma): …

Blaze: … Well, that’s all folks!

(A siren goes off.)

Blaze: *gasp* It’s time for…

Audience: CHEF BLAZE!!!

Blaze: Stop interrupting me!!!

(He pulls out a huge pot and forces the kicking and screaming Goomba King into the pot.)

20 minutes later…

Blaze: I give you…

Audience: A Royal Goomba cookie!

Blaze: …

(He forces the kicking and screaming audience into another pot and sets it on fire.)

Blaze: (watching the burning fire) LIVE LONG AND PROSPER!

Did you like this submission?
If you would like to send some feedback to the author of this submission, please complete this form.

What's your name?
This is required.

What's your Email address?
Only enter this if you would like the author to respond.

How do you rate this submission?
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 10, 10 being best.

Does this submission belong in Little Lemmy's Land?
Little Lemmy's Land is designed to include the top ten percent of submissions.

Would you like to see more from this author?

Comments and suggestions:

 
ZY.Freedback.com: Stunning, fast, FREE!
FREE feedback form powered by Freedback.com
Freedback.com

Have an Interview or a suggestion of your own? Email me!
Go back to Lemmy's Interviews.
Go back to my main page.