Hammer Sis: Hey guys. Sorry I’m late. When I was at the store I ran into Dark Koopa, so I…

(She falls into the pool of blood.)

Hammer Sis: (gasping for air) What, the…? Slim! Did you go on a murderous rampage?

Slim: (swimming in the pool) Maybe…

Hammer Sis: Slim, the first rule you have to learn about being an interviewer is that you can’t kill everyone.

Slim: Why?

Hammer Sis: Because they pay after the show.

Slim: Oh.

Hammer Sis: Now help me clean this place up before someone sees it.

???: (knocking on the door) This is the police! Random dead body search!

Slim: @#%&!

Police Toad: Ha! I was only pulling your leg. You left your purse at the grocery store, ma’am. Good thing I found it or you would have been in troubl…

(He notices a dead body floating by.)

Police Toad: … (on walky-talky) I’m going to need backup.

Two seconds later…

Hammer Sis: (being handcuffed and forced into a van) I’m innocent! That’s not even my blood!

Police Toad #2: That may be so, but look what I found in your purse!

He holds up a bag of white powder.

Hammer Sis: … That’s a bag of sugar.

Police Toad #3: Tell it to the judge!

Police Toad #4: Hey! This one’s got a gun!

Slim: You planted that gun on me!

Police Toad #4: Prove it!

Slim: It has the words “Property of Police Toad #4” written on the side of it.

Police Toad #4: … This one’s hostile!

(The Police Toads dogpile Slim, then throw the two of them into the van and drive away.)

Blaze: *yawn* What’s going on…?

(He notices that he is alone in a studio full of blood and corpses.)

Blaze: (looking around) Sweet…

A knocking sound is heard on the door.

Goomba King: Hello? I’m here with about a thousand people for my Interview today.

Blaze: Not sweet. Cue montage!

(Nothing happens.)

Blaze: … Nuts.

Three hours later…

Blaze: You can come in!

(They enter the studio, which is now twice as messy with more corpses.)

Goomba King: What the…?

Blaze: Don’t ask.

Goomba King: I can’t be seen in a place like this! Goombas!

(A thousand Goombas storm the studio and clean it up, then they leave.)

Goomba King: That’s better.

Blaze: … Right, let’s begin.

Goomba King: Wait! Where’s my intro?!

Blaze: Your intro?

Goomba King: You need to introduce me to the audience by saying, “Come on down, King!”

Blaze: … Come on down, King?

Goomba King: Hello, New Jersey!

Everyone: …

Blaze: … First question…

Goomba King: How did I become king? Bowser gave me powers above that of a normal Goomba so all the Goombas obey me.

Blaze: … How did…

Goomba King: I know about that last question? Well I’m a master of reading lips, so I guessed it.

Blaze: Great… Next question!

Goomba King: Where did I get this crown? The Goombas gave it to me so they would know that I am their king!

Blaze: Stop doing that! Next…

Goomba King: Question! What’s with the Red and Blue Goombas that follow me around? They’re close friends of mine who decided to follow me when I became the king.

Blaze: Will you cut that…

Goomba King: Out?! If Goombas can’t beat people in a fight then we’ll beat you in a mind game! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Blaze and the Goomba King: SILENCE! KNOCK THAT OUT!!!

Blaze: … N…

Goomba King: -ext question! Why am I so fast? That’s one of the things I asked for from Bowser when he gave me my powers. That’s why I was able to outrun Toad in the Mario Kart DS boss battle thing.

Blaze: I hate you so…

Goomba King: Much! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Blaze: … How can you create…

Goomba King: Goombas? I just do the same thing Paragoombas do when they make Microgoombas. I shed some of my skin, and it comes to life!

Blaze: Then…

Goomba King: Why didn’t I make Goombas in the boss battle in Paper Mario? I just got my powers so I didn’t know I could do that until later.

Blaze: I’m going to kill…

Goomba King: Me! If you kill me than the Interview will end, and if it ends, then you’re out of a job! Hahahahaha!

Blaze: Says who?!

Goomba King: Says me, the great Goomba King!

(Blaze’s hand radiates with an unholy flame but he quickly cools it off after thinking of a better way of killing him later.)

Blaze: Hahahah…

Goomba King: I don’t like where this is going.

…

(Hammer Sis is seen getting thrown into a small cell with Slim and a few shady characters.)

Hammer Sis: Ow! And you hurt my feelings, too!

Slim: Um, Sis? I wouldn’t scream stuff like that if I were you…

Hammer Sis: Why?

Slim: (whispering) Look who we’re locked up with!

(She looks around and notices that they’re in a small cell with Doopliss, Crump, Grodus, some guys in Smithy’s gang, the hat from Monopoly, Daisy, and Link, who’s getting beaten up by some other Mario characters.)

Hammer Sis: So? I can take these guys on.

Slim: That’s not the point! Look over there!

(He points to Shady Parakoopa.)

Hammer Sis: %#@$! He must’ve got thrown in here after the whole kidnapping the princess thing.

Slim: If we keep quiet, maybe he won’t notice us…

Hammer Sis: Um, Slim?

Slim: What?

Hammer Sis: He’s right behind you.

Shady: Hello…

Hammer Sis and Slim and for some reason Shady: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

…

Blaze: All right, smart guy, next…

Goomba King: …

Blaze: … Well?

Goomba King: Well what?

Blaze: Aren’t you going to…

Goomba King: Finish your question? Well I would, if it wasn’t time for audience questions!

Blaze: Stop ruining my first…

Goomba King: Interview!

Blaze: Anger… rising… must… kill!!!

Goomba King: Seat 512!

Koopa: How did you grow so big at will in all those other games, but not in Paper Mario?

Goomba King: Well when I shed some skin to make Goombas, the skin swells up and grows bigger. I just suck in the Goombas I just made back into my body and I grow bigger. And like I said earlier, I didn’t do that in Paper Mario because I didn’t know back then that I could do that.

Blaze: Why didn’t you…

Goomba King: Interrupt him? I just wanted to drive you crazy.

Blaze: And you succeeded!

Goomba King: What are you going to do about it?

(Blaze holds up a picture of Goomba King at that Christmas party. Everyone gasps and the Goomba King cries.)

Blaze: Are you going to …

Goomba King: (crying) Stop?! Yes! Just put it away!!!

Blaze: That’s a good boy.

(Goomba King wipes his eyes with a tissue. At the same time, Blaze uploads the picture to the Internet.)

Blaze: Hahaha… Seat 266!

Toad: Why are your pants red and white?

Goomba King: *sniff* They make me look royal.

Toad: Yeah, a royal pain.

Blaze: Seat 2006!

Mario: Cheese! Why are you so stupid?!

Goomba King: I’m not stupid!

Mario: Cheese!

Goomba King: No! You are!

Mario: Cheese!

Goomba King: You!

Camera Boos #1, 2, and 3: You’re both idiots.

Blaze: Seat 29!

Goomba: Why did you only run around in circles in Super Mario 64 DS?

Goomba King: Well it wasn’t like I could maneuver too well in that small area, but I had you guys watching my back so I thought everything would turn out ok.

Goomba: But we gave Yoshi the ammo he needed to finish you off!

Goomba King: …

Blaze: Idiot. Seat 3,533!

Dark Yoshi 123: Why…

Blaze: Are you a Yoshi?

Dark Yoshi 123: Yes.

(Blaze starts charging up a huge fireball.)

Dark Yoshi 123: I mean no!

Blaze: (throwing the fireball at another Yoshi) Never mind then.

Dark Yoshi 123: … Anyways. Why did you leave the ? Switch outside where Mario could find it?

Goomba King: I didn’t leave it out there! Red and Blue Goomba did that!

Dark Yoshi 123: Sure they did.

Goomba King: …

Blaze: Seat 3!

Yoshi who got turned into Ashes: How did you get that bridge folded up and turned into that tower thing?

Goomba King: Kammy used her magic to do that so Mario couldn’t cross that gap.

Blaze: Last question, seat 3,434,534,535,363!

Yellow (still in a coma): …

Blaze: … Well, that’s all folks!

(A siren goes off.)

Blaze: *gasp* It’s time for…

Audience: CHEF BLAZE!!!

Blaze: Stop interrupting me!!!

(He pulls out a huge pot and forces the kicking and screaming Goomba King into the pot.)

20 minutes later…

Blaze: I give you…

Audience: A Royal Goomba cookie!

Blaze: …

(He forces the kicking and screaming audience into another pot and sets it on fire.)

Blaze: (watching the burning fire) LIVE LONG AND PROSPER!

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