Hammer Sis: (watching TV) … Oh, it looks like Shady forced them to use the big guns.

(Two Toads are seen on TV pushing a huge crate with the word “Warning!” printed all over it, towards the building Shady’s currently has Peach kidnapped in. The Toads open the crate and run away.)

Shady (on TV): This can’t be good…

Mario pops out of the crate.

Mario: Cheese!

Shady: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Toad #1: This creature of pure destruction is brought to you by, “Monster in a Box!”

Toad #2: Bringing unimaginable horror to people since the 1980s!

Hammer Sis: Well it looks like Shady’s a goner. Hey, do we have any milk in the fridge?

Blaze: (with a milk mustache) Nope.

Hammer Sis: *sigh* I’ll get some. Oh wait, we have an Interview scheduled for today. You’ll have to do your first Interview without me, Slim. I’ll go tell the audience real quick…

(She runs to the studio.)

Slim: By the way… How can you get a milk mustache? You’re made of fire!

Blaze: How should I know?

…

Hammer Sis: Hello, and welcome to yet another pointless Interview!

Audience: …

Hammer Sis: Your silence only means that you’re too happy to reply. Anyways. Today I’m going to be gone so I won’t be able to be with all of you, I know how much you’ll miss me…

Audience: (dancing to crazy fiesta music) YAHHHHHOOOOOOOO!!!

Hammer Sis: Who keeps bringing that thing in?

Mexican Toad: I don’t know, seniorita.

Hammer Sis: … Please welcome our new interviewer, Slim!

(Blaze and Slim enter the studio.)

Slim: Hello.

Hammer Sis: If you have any questions, just ask Blaze, ok?

Slim: Ok.

(Hammer Sis leaves the studio.)

Blaze: Can you handle this?

Slim: I assure you that these people will be filled with knowledge by the end of the day.

Blaze: Great.

(Blaze floats over to the couch and falls asleep on it, causing it to burn to a crisp.)

Blaze: ZZZZZZZZ…

Slim: Isn’t that cute? He’s sleeping so soundly.

Audience: …

Slim: And I think it’s time for all of you to take a dirt nap! *insert maniacal laugh*

(Suddenly two butcher knifes appear in both his hands.)

Audience: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Mexican Toad: Ay ay ay!

Slim: Silence!

(He kills the first two row’s audience members, including Mexican Toad. The rest of the audience remains silent, with only a few people crying.)

Slim: Now that’s better. Please welcome Paragoomba!

Audience: *scared out of their minds) Y-yay!

Slim: I said silence!

(After killing another row, the audience remains dead silent as Paragoomba flies in.)

Paragoomba: Hello, everyone!

Audience: …

Paragoomba: … Did I miss something?

Shift: Hello there, Mister Paragoomba.

Paragoomba: Well hello there, Mister… What’s with the blood-soaked butcher knives?

Slim: I was cutting raw meat earlier.

Paragoomba: That makes sense, but why is half the audience dead?

Slim: Remember who’s the interviewer here. (demonic voice) Or you might regret it!

Paragoomba: What was that?

Slim: *cough* Oh nothing. Let’s begin. How did you get your wings?

Paragoomba: I was born with them.

Slim: What happens to your wings when Mario knocks them off?

Paragoomba: They just grow back.

Slim: That is the wrong answer!

(He cuts off one of Paragoomba’s wings.)

Paragoomba: OUCH!!! What are you doing?!

Slim: (pulling out a magnifying glass) Observe, simpleton. When the wing happens to separate from the host’s body, a single feather remains in its place. After four to five hours the feather will combine with the host body’s special duplication skin and then on command it will instantly clone the wing back in all its glory. Understand?

Paragoomba: Y-yeah.

Slim: Good. Next question, can you explain how only Paragoombas can create Microgoombas?

Paragoomba: Um…

Slim: Think faster if you want to keep your legs.

Paragoomba: (panicking) Um… Because, um, of our… duplication skin?

Slim: That is correct.

Paragoomba: Phew!

Slim: But only halfway correct.

He cuts off one of Paragoomba’s legs.

Paragoomba: AHHHH!!! What is wrong with you?!

Slim: You see, all Goombas have a type of skin, called duplication skin, that they inherited from their original Mushroom forms. It is mostly used for healing minor cuts or injuries made on the host body, but Paragoombas have a higher percentage of this kind of skin. This means that they are able to recreate missing body parts, and they can shed some of this skin in order to create Microgoombas to do their work for them for about 10 to 15 minutes before disintegrating.

Paragoomba: So… my leg will grow back?

Slim: Yes. If you live through this Interview, and the odds of you doing that are “Slim” to none. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Paragoomba: (whispering) He’s crazy!

Slim: (also whispering) I know. Next question. Care to explain why Paragoombas haven’t been seen in towns or cities?

Paragoomba: You know the answer to this, don’t you?

Slim: Yes.

Paragoomba: And you’re going to punish me if I don’t answer correctly, right?

Shift: That is correct.

Paragoomba: Just checking. Well most of us work for Bowser so we live in his castle, but there are some of us who actually live in Rogueport and other locations.

Slim: Then why haven’t we seen them in the RPGs?

Paragoomba: That’s because… um… they’re hiding their wings?

Slim: Under what?

Paragoomba: Um…

(He looks into the audience and notices a Goomba pointing to his hat.)

Paragoomba: They hide them under their hats!

Slim: That is correct.

(He throws one of his butcher knives at the Goomba in the audience.)

Slim: Now that that distraction’s out of the way, let’s move on to the last question before the audience has a whack at asking things, and I whack them for answering them wrong.

Audience: …

Slim: See! I told Blaze that I would fill you with knowledge, and I have! The knowledge of when to shut up. Here’s your question. What makes red Paragoombas red in Super Mario Bros Three?

Paragoomba: Well… they were born that way?

Slim: *sigh* You never learn, do you?

(He cuts off Paragoomba’s arm.)

Paragoomba: But I don’t have ar… I mean ahhhhhh. The pain.

Slim: Yes, your pain and misery gives me fuzzies. You see, Red Paragoombas are Goombas with high levels of duplication skin. This gives them a reddish coloring. But these types of Goombas are very rare.

Paragoomba: You’re so smart… PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!!!

(Suddenly Blaze starts moving around like he’s going to wake up.)

Paragoomba: YAY! Blaze will take you down and we’ll all be saved! In your face, loser!

Audience: HURRAH!!!!

Blaze: (drooling a little but) Zzz… DQ, Butterfinger, Blizzards… Yummy… Zzz…

(He falls back asleep.)

Everyone: …

Slim: What was that I heard about me being a loser?

Paragoomba: PLEASE DON’T KILL ME!!!

Slim: Kill you? I wouldn’t dream about killing you.

Paragoomba: … Really?

Slim: Well… not yet. You need to be alive so I can interview you. But don’t worry, I’ll kill you later. And don’t think I forgot about you, my captive audience.

Everyone: Whaaaaaaa!!!

Slim: (killing another row) Silence!

Everyone: …

Slim: That’s better. Seat 73!

Koopa: Can I leave?

Slim: No. Seat 830!

Paratroopa: Can I use the bathroom?

Slim: No. Seat 109!

Toad: Can…

Slim: This better be a question for the interviewee, or else.

Toad: … Do Paragoombas work for the Goomba King too, like regular Goombas?

Paragoomba: Yes we do. We also work for Bowser.

Slim: You answered that correctly. Good for you. But now I have to kill you for being a know-it-all.

Paragoomba: Oh come on!

Slim: Seat 5! Oh, silly me, I forgot! I killed that row. Oh well. Seat 2,627,263!

Yellow: Um… (Think, Yellow, THINK! You’ve got to come up with a question that
won’t get us all killed.) Where were you guys in Super Mario RPG?

Paragoomba: We were watching over Bowser’s castle while he was at Bowser’s Keep.

Yellow: Phew!

(Slim cuts off Paragoomba’s other leg and knocks Yellow into a coma for no reason at all.)

Paragoomba: I feel dizzy.

Slim: Probably because of the lack of blood. Seat 509!

Pianta: Why don’t you appear in the first two Super Mario Bros. games?

Paragoombas: Well Bowser ordered us to guard his castles in Sky Land.

(Slim cuts off Paragoomba’s other wing.)

Paragoombas: What was that for?!

Slim: You answered that wrong. He ordered you to guard Sky Land and to get him a doughnut.

Paragoomba: Oh yeah, now I remember.

Slim: One more question, then I’ll decide your fates. Seat 7.

Bowser: Yeah, I would like three cheese burgers, a large order of fries…

Slim: Um… sir. This is an Interview.

Bowser: Oh. Then I’ll have two tacos, and a large Diet Coke.

Slim: … Are you aware of your impending doom?

Bowser: (not paying attention) Yeah.

Slim: And yet you still come to me with stupid questions?

Bowser: (not paying attention) Sure, why not?

Slim: You, sir, are an idiot, and idiots ANGER ME!!!

Everyone but Bowser: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Bowser: Your service stinks. I’m going to Dairy Queen.

(He leaves.)

Slim: YOU WILL ALL PAY FOR HIS STUPIDITY WITH YOUR LIVES!!!

Everyone: AHHHHHHHHHHHH…

TV Announcer: We interrupt this Interview for an important announcement from The King!

King: Tacos rule!

TV Announcer: And now back to the show!

(Everyone is dead and Slim is standing in a knee-deep pool of blood.)

Slim: Mawhahahahahahahaha!!!

Camera Boo #1: Good thing we’re dead or I’d be freaking out right now.

Camera Boo #2: (eating a Taco) What?

Camera Bo o#1: … Nothing.

Slim: How dare you interrupt my evil laughing?!

He vacuums them up into a spike-lined vacuum cleaner.

Slim: (still laughing insanely) SUFFER AND DIE!!!

(A frying pan knocks him out.)

Blaze: SHUT UP!

(He ignores the corpse-filled pool of blood and goes back to sleep.)

Blaze: (sleepily) LIVE LONG AND PROSPER…

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