Joshua: Welcome to… Joshua’s Super Interview Show! Today I get to Interview someone relatively sane… Vivian!

Vivian: Relatively sane?

Joshua: Well, you did travel with Mario… Anyway, let’s get this over with. Which of your sisters do you like more?

Vivian: Gotta be Marilyn! I mean, Beldam just punishes me all the time and blames me for everything!

Joshua: Uh huh. You attack with fire, yeah? Well, why not use those powers to just torch Beldam?

Vivian: I may not like her, but she’s still family. I could never do that.

Joshua: Ah, the old family ties. Everyone’s excuse for everything.

Beldam: Where’s my shampoo? Vivian, you must have stolen it!

Joshua: Eat hot wand blast!

(Using a wand stolen from Josh Koopa, Joshua blasts Beldam and she turns into a pile of ashes. Beldam reforms somehow and strikes back with a Blizzard move.)

Joshua: Woah! I challenge you to a random magic duel after the Interview!

Beldam: I accept!

Joshua: Soooooo, Vivian, what was it you wanted to say to Mario at the end of Paper Mario 2?

Vivian: I don’t remember that…

Joshua: Sure, and Paratroopas die whenever I snap my fingers.

Vivian: Ok! I wanted to say something, but I won’t tell you!

Joshua: Fair enough.

(Joshua snaps his fingers. A Paratroopa somewhere dies.)

Joshua: 0_0! Oooooookkkkkkkkk… Anyhoo, tell me your stats.

Vivian: When I fought Mario in Boggly Woods, I had 10 HP, 1 attack, and 0 Defense. When I joined him, I had 15 HP, my Shade Fist did 3 damage and could burn, and I had the Veil attack for 1 FP, which hid Mario and I for one turn. It was similar to Bow’s Outta Sight from the first game. When Mario upgraded me, I had 20 HP, Shade Fist became able to do 4 damage, and I learned the Fiery Jinx move. It had an easy action command, did 5 damage to all enemies, and could burn them for 6 FP. When Mario upgraded me a second time, I had 30 HP, Shade Fist did 5 damage, Fiery Jinx did 6 damage, and I learned Infatuate, or Infatuation, I forget which. It cost 4 FP and could confuse enemies. It was quite useful.

Joshua: So… boring… Chargin’ Chuck, bring in the Super Number Randomizer!

(Chargin’ Chuck brings in the Super Number Randomizer. It is a massive, yellow machine with many beeping, colorful buttons and 3 slots like a slot machine.)

Joshua: It’s different, isn’t it?

Chargin’ Chuck: It’s different, yeah. There’s a tiny dent in the back.

Joshua: UNACCEPTABLE!!! DIE!

(He blasts him with the wand. Chargin’ Chuck turns into a pile of ashes.)

Lakitu: (Psycho.)

Joshua: I heard that!

(A Lakitu ash pile lies on the ground in half a second.)

Joshua: And now… RANDOMIZE!!! Block 1, Row 1, Seat 1!

Boo: Will you go out with me?

Vivian: No.

Boo: Aww…

Joshua: RANDOMIZE! Block 6, Row 75, Seat 7!

Waluigi: I’m afraid of randomizing!

Joshua: Security!

(1,000,000,000,000,000 Hammer, Boomerang, Fire, and Sledge Bros. come in and pretty much murder Waluigi, Mario, Luigi, and Bowser for no reason.)

Bowser: Why are Hammer, Fire, Boomerang, and Sledge Bros. raining on me?

Joshua: RANDOMIZE! Block 6, Row 75, Seat 5!

Sumo Brother: Why does Beldam punish you more than Marilyn?

Vivian: Marilyn does get punished, but hardly ever, and they’re pretty soft, such as only eating half a bar of chocolate. I think it’s because she’s jealous of me. I’ve no idea why. She’s much prettier than I am.

Joshua: What are you talking about? You’re way cuter, anyone with eyes can see that! Including blind people! Anyway… RANDOMIZE! Block 5, Row 6, Seat 67!

Torpedo Ted: I’m a torpedo! And my question was just answered.

Joshua: You wanted to know why Beldam punished her?

Torpedo Ted: No, I wanted to know if she still had an inferiority complex, like it said in PM2. TORPEDO AWAY!!!

(He explodes, killing his row.)

Joshua: RANDOMIZE! Block 10, Row 76, Seat 8!

Lord Crump: What do your eyes look like?

Vivian: What do you mean?

Crump: Well, in PM2, your hair always covered your eyes. And what just happened to the “Lord” in my name?

Joshua: Budget cuts.

Vivian: I guess I could show you.

(She lifts her hair above her eyes. They sparkle brighter than the sun.)

Joshua: Aaahhhh! It burns!

(Beldam hits him with an ice spell for no reason.)

Joshua: Aaahhhh! It doesn’t burn!

(When the light is gone, Crump is a pile of ashes.)

Joshua: RANDOMIZE! Block 8, Row 47, Seat 6!

Anti Guy: You’re ugly and fat! You and Marilyn need to go on several diets!

Joshua: Tag team?

Vivian: Nah, I got him. Eat hot MOLTEN LAVA!!!

Joshua: You’ve learned some new tricks.

(A stream of stupidly hot lava spews at Anti Guy.)

Anti Guy: MY MASK IS ON FIRE! MY MASK IS ON FIRE! *scream* I’M ON FIRE! I’M ON FIRE!

Joshua: I’ll put it out with this!

(He throws rocket fuel and petrol on Anti Guy. He explodes. The studio is in ruins and a lot of people are dead.)

Joshua: Hey! Anti Guy exploded! That’s one less mouth to blast! One last question.

Vivian: Yeah?

Joshua: Do you think I can beat Beldam in the duel I’m about to fight?

Vivian: No problem.

Joshua: YAY! Now, I hate to steal someone else’s line but… Live long and prosper!

END TRANSMISSION

(The camera cuts as the coolest magic fight in the history of all universes begins: Joshua Vs. Beldam! Which, due to budget cuts, we won’t show. HA HA!)
 

JOSHUA interviews GENERAL GUY

Joshua: Y’know, Chargin’ Chuck, we need to do another Interview. Soon.

Chargin’ Chuck: Boss, you’ve still got three incomplete FFs to do.

(Joshua blasts him with a wand “borrowed” from his Koopa clone, Josh Koopa.)

Joshua: Never suggest that I have to work hard!

CC’s Ashes: Yes, sir. Shall I fetch a random interviewee then?

Joshua: Make it so.

Lakitu: Say, uh, Boss, how’d the magic fight go?

Joshua: She thought she was tough, but I stomped her into the ground. She kept trying to regenerate herself, so I blasted her while she was trying to regenerate. VICTORY!

Lakitu: Is she dead?

Joshua: Oh, yeah!

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