JOSHUA interviews VIVIAN

By Joshua

Joshua: Welcome to… Joshua’s Super Interview Show! Today I get to Interview someone relatively sane… Vivian!

Vivian: Relatively sane?

Joshua: Well, you did travel with Mario… Anyway, let’s get this over with. Which of your sisters do you like more?

Vivian: Gotta be Marilyn! I mean, Beldam just punishes me all the time and blames me for everything!

Joshua: Uh huh. You attack with fire, yeah? Well, why not use those powers to just torch Beldam?

Vivian: I may not like her, but she’s still family. I could never do that.

Joshua: Ah, the old family ties. Everyone’s excuse for everything.

Beldam: Where’s my shampoo? Vivian, you must have stolen it!

Joshua: Eat hot wand blast!

(Using a wand stolen from Josh Koopa, Joshua blasts Beldam and she turns into a pile of ashes. Beldam reforms somehow and strikes back with a Blizzard move.)

Joshua: Woah! I challenge you to a random magic duel after the Interview!

Beldam: I accept!

Joshua: Soooooo, Vivian, what was it you wanted to say to Mario at the end of Paper Mario 2?

Vivian: I don’t remember that…

Joshua: Sure, and Paratroopas die whenever I snap my fingers.

Vivian: Ok! I wanted to say something, but I won’t tell you!

Joshua: Fair enough.

(Joshua snaps his fingers. A Paratroopa somewhere dies.)

Joshua: 0_0! Oooooookkkkkkkkk… Anyhoo, tell me your stats.

Vivian: When I fought Mario in Boggly Woods, I had 10 HP, 1 attack, and 0 Defense. When I joined him, I had 15 HP, my Shade Fist did 3 damage and could burn, and I had the Veil attack for 1 FP, which hid Mario and I for one turn. It was similar to Bow’s Outta Sight from the first game. When Mario upgraded me, I had 20 HP, Shade Fist became able to do 4 damage, and I learned the Fiery Jinx move. It had an easy action command, did 5 damage to all enemies, and could burn them for 6 FP. When Mario upgraded me a second time, I had 30 HP, Shade Fist did 5 damage, Fiery Jinx did 6 damage, and I learned Infatuate, or Infatuation, I forget which. It cost 4 FP and could confuse enemies. It was quite useful.

Joshua: So… boring… Chargin’ Chuck, bring in the Super Number Randomizer!

(Chargin’ Chuck brings in the Super Number Randomizer. It is a massive, yellow machine with many beeping, colorful buttons and 3 slots like a slot machine.)

Joshua: It’s different, isn’t it?

Chargin’ Chuck: It’s different, yeah. There’s a tiny dent in the back.

Joshua: UNACCEPTABLE!!! DIE!

(He blasts him with the wand. Chargin’ Chuck turns into a pile of ashes.)

Lakitu: (Psycho.)

Joshua: I heard that!

(A Lakitu ash pile lies on the ground in half a second.)

Joshua: And now… RANDOMIZE!!! Block 1, Row 1, Seat 1!

Boo: Will you go out with me?

Vivian: No.

Boo: Aww…

Joshua: RANDOMIZE! Block 6, Row 75, Seat 7!

Waluigi: I’m afraid of randomizing!

Joshua: Security!

(1,000,000,000,000,000 Hammer, Boomerang, Fire, and Sledge Bros. come in and pretty much murder Waluigi, Mario, Luigi, and Bowser for no reason.)

Bowser: Why are Hammer, Fire, Boomerang, and Sledge Bros. raining on me?

Joshua: RANDOMIZE! Block 6, Row 75, Seat 5!

Sumo Brother: Why does Beldam punish you more than Marilyn?

Vivian: Marilyn does get punished, but hardly ever, and they’re pretty soft, such as only eating half a bar of chocolate. I think it’s because she’s jealous of me. I’ve no idea why. She’s much prettier than I am.

Joshua: What are you talking about? You’re way cuter, anyone with eyes can see that! Including blind people! Anyway… RANDOMIZE! Block 5, Row 6, Seat 67!

Torpedo Ted: I’m a torpedo! And my question was just answered.

Joshua: You wanted to know why Beldam punished her?

Torpedo Ted: No, I wanted to know if she still had an inferiority complex, like it said in PM2. TORPEDO AWAY!!!

(He explodes, killing his row.)

Joshua: RANDOMIZE! Block 10, Row 76, Seat 8!

Lord Crump: What do your eyes look like?

Vivian: What do you mean?

Crump: Well, in PM2, your hair always covered your eyes. And what just happened to the “Lord” in my name?

Joshua: Budget cuts.

Vivian: I guess I could show you.

(She lifts her hair above her eyes. They sparkle brighter than the sun.)

Joshua: Aaahhhh! It burns!

(Beldam hits him with an ice spell for no reason.)

Joshua: Aaahhhh! It doesn’t burn!

(When the light is gone, Crump is a pile of ashes.)

Joshua: RANDOMIZE! Block 8, Row 47, Seat 6!

Anti Guy: You’re ugly and fat! You and Marilyn need to go on several diets!

Joshua: Tag team?

Vivian: Nah, I got him. Eat hot MOLTEN LAVA!!!

Joshua: You’ve learned some new tricks.

(A stream of stupidly hot lava spews at Anti Guy.)

Anti Guy: MY MASK IS ON FIRE! MY MASK IS ON FIRE! *scream* I’M ON FIRE! I’M ON FIRE!

Joshua: I’ll put it out with this!

(He throws rocket fuel and petrol on Anti Guy. He explodes. The studio is in ruins and a lot of people are dead.)

Joshua: Hey! Anti Guy exploded! That’s one less mouth to blast! One last question.

Vivian: Yeah?

Joshua: Do you think I can beat Beldam in the duel I’m about to fight?

Vivian: No problem.

Joshua: YAY! Now, I hate to steal someone else’s line but… Live long and prosper!

END TRANSMISSION

(The camera cuts as the coolest magic fight in the history of all universes begins: Joshua Vs. Beldam! Which, due to budget cuts, we won’t show. HA HA!)
 

JOSHUA interviews GENERAL GUY

Joshua: Y’know, Chargin’ Chuck, we need to do another Interview. Soon.

Chargin’ Chuck: Boss, you’ve still got three incomplete FFs to do.

(Joshua blasts him with a wand “borrowed” from his Koopa clone, Josh Koopa.)

Joshua: Never suggest that I have to work hard!

CC’s Ashes: Yes, sir. Shall I fetch a random interviewee then?

Joshua: Make it so.

Lakitu: Say, uh, Boss, how’d the magic fight go?

Joshua: She thought she was tough, but I stomped her into the ground. She kept trying to regenerate herself, so I blasted her while she was trying to regenerate. VICTORY!

Lakitu: Is she dead?

Joshua: Oh, yeah!

Did you like this submission?
If you would like to send some feedback to the author of this submission, please complete this form.

What's your name?
This is required.

What's your Email address?
Only enter this if you would like the author to respond.

How do you rate this submission?
Please rate on a scale of 1 - 10, 10 being best.

Does this submission belong in Little Lemmy's Land?
Little Lemmy's Land is designed to include the top ten percent of submissions.

Would you like to see more from this author?

Comments and suggestions:

 
ZY.Freedback.com: Stunning, fast, FREE!
FREE feedback form powered by Freedback.com
Freedback.com

Have an Interview or a suggestion of your own? Email me!
Go back to Lemmy's Interviews.
Go back to my main page.