DB: What a crazy several month-long chase that was, eh Zed?

Zed: ... Shut up.

DB: You should've known me exploding wouldn't kill me.

Zed: I know, I know, but was it really necessary to put this collar on  me? It's so degrading!

DB: Uh, that was the idea.

Zed: ... I hate-

DB: Don't say that anymore. It's gotten so old-

Audience: HOW OLD IS IT?

DB: Too old, my new audience.

Shy Guy: ... That wasn't funny!

DB: ... EJECTED!

(DB presses a button and the Shy Guy is ejected from his seat. He slams into the ceiling.)

DB: Good. The new cement ceiling should keep the ejectees from wrecking my studio. Though you're going to need to peel him off,  Zed.

Zed: Just as violent as ever...

DB: That's common knowledge! FRIED!

(DB presses another button and the collar electrocutes Zed.)

Zed: EAAGGHHH!

DB: What did you learn?

Zed: I learn nothing!

DB: We'll see about that. EDUCATED!

(Yet another button is pressed. A trapdoor in the ceiling opens,  heavy textbooks pouring out and burying Zed.)

Zed: ... Ow.

DB: Well. That was certainly obscure. But back to the reason I'm  here. Does anyone know what that is?

Audience: FREE COOKIES!

DB: Ha ha ha ha. NO! It's Interview time!

Goomba: The sign said there would be free cookies!

(Another button pressed, and the Goomba bursts into flames.)

DB: I heart this new universal remote so much. INTERVIEWEE!

(A button is pressed and one of the seat ejects a Lakitu onstage  face first.)

Lakitu: Ow!

DB: Huh. I was hoping for something more... exciting.

Lakitu: Lakitus are popular!

DB: Says who?

Lakitu: Lord Bowser does!

DB: Pff, he just says that so you stop whining and complaining  about the dangerous work conditions.

Lakitu: Lies!

DB: That's not our joke. Anyway, let's start. Back for the first time in  who knows how long, it's me interviewing Lakitu! Pretend you're  entertained!

(The audience does as they're told.)

DB: Yes. Good minions. Gyah hah.

Zed: You shouldn't call them minions...

DB: Aren't you supposed to be buried?

Zed: Aren't you supposed to be doing an Interview?

DB: Point taken. I almost feel bad about doing this.

Zed: Doing what?

(Button is pushed, Zed is electrocuted again.)

DB: First question!

Lakitu: 'Bout time I got some attention here.

DB: Don't make me remotify you. Now, how does a Lakitu rank in  the Koopa Troop?

Lakitu: Well, we're not quite up there with Hammer Bros. and  Magikoopas, but we're definitely better off than Koopa Troopas  and Paratroopas.

DB: What does it take to become a Lakitu, exactly?

Lakitu: Three primary factors. One, you have to have excellent aim.  Two, you need to properly know how to maneuver a cloud. And  three, a decent amount of stamina.

DB: Stamina?

Lakitu: Hey, hucking Spinies at Mario isn't a walk in the park!  Those little guys can be heavy!

DB: Heh. You just called Spinies fat. They'll be sooo mad...

Spiny: I'm furious!

DB: FANCY TRICK!

(A click is heard, and the seat next to the Spiny, containing a  Thwomp, is ejected into the air.)

Spiny: Ha! You misse-

(The Thwomp lands on top of the Spiny.)

Zed: I'm taking that remote away, you do realize that.

DB: Pff, you and what army?

Zed: All I need is-

DB: Shut up.

(Electrocution of Zed.)

DB: So... Is the cloud alive?

Lakitu: Say what?

DB: The clouds that Lakitus ride always have a face. That creepy  face... Always smiling... Always happy... Always carrying a sniper  turtle on its back... The horror... So is it alive or not?

Lakitu: Technically speaking, yes. However, the clouds that most  Lakitus use are so well tamed that they act like machinery, and will  even respond to commands from people like Mario if he happens  to steal a cloud. The more vicious, unruly living clouds that are  unrideable often take the form of Ruff Puffs.

DB: So all Lakitu clouds are alive, they're just timid and let  everyone walk all over them?

Lakitu: Hoo boy, not Lakithunder's cloud. An evil storm cloud?  Anyone else who got near it was fried!

DB: And why would they go near it?

Lakitu: Hello? Cloud that shoots lightning? Totally awesome.

DB: What about Dark Lakitus? They have thunder clouds.

Lakitu: Those are the thunder clouds that just look nasty but never  actually do anything.

DB: I hate those clouds... they make everything depressing. Hey, I  have a good question!

Lakitu: Shoot.

(Gunfire.)

Zed: LAME.

(Button press. A Boo in the audience explodes.)

DB: Eh... Wrong button.

(Right button.)

Zed: GYAGGHHHH!

DB: How come when a Lakitu has been knocked off its cloud, it  usually disappears with it? And in the event that someone steals  the cloud, why does it just vanish in seconds?

Lakitu: The force that takes out a Lakitu is usually strong enough  to make the cloud lose its form. They get hit so hard that the cloud  can't take the pressure. Or... something.

DB: Don't try to sound smart if you know you aren't.

Lakitu: Also, there's nothing more disgraceful to a Lakitu than to  have a cloud stolen. So if we're knocked out, we try to take the  cloud with us. And as for people stealing our clouds, they only  vanish because most people are too heavy for the cloud to hold.  Lakitus have very small bodies. The cloud can handle that. Not a  fat plumber. Too much weight makes it break.

DB: A cloud... breaking.

Zed: You shouldn't criticize the fact that clouds can break over the  fact that people can even stand on clouds.

DB: ... Aren't you dead yet?

Zed: ... I am a Dry Bones.

DB: Aren't you dead again yet?

Zed: No. And stop shocking me!

DB: Oh... Very well.

(A button is pushed and the collar explodes, scattering Zed around  the studio.)

DB: ... Hey, wait! You said that Spinies can be heavy!

Lakitu: Yeah? And?

DB: You carry them around with you so often, how come the cloud doesn't "break" from their weight?

Lakitu: Um... Why don't hammers weigh down Hammer Bros. any? How can heroes always carry such an unbelievable amount of weight in games without being hindered in the least? 'Tis a question of logic, and you aren't getting a logical answer.

DB: Try me.

Lakitu: ... They... weigh... less... when in our shells?

DB: Poor answer, and you also said you place them on the cloud in front of you when you plan to throw them.

Lakitu: Um, okay. I think I have the answer.

(Thirty minutes later, there's a chalkboard onstage covered with several indecipherable equations and words, Lakitu trying to explain it all.)

Lakitu: And that is how Spinies don't make the cloud break!

DB: ... I'm sorry, did you say something?

Lakitu: Okay. Let's start-

DB: You have glasses on.

Lakitu: Um, yes, but the logic-

DB: ... Say, a lot of Lakitus have glasses. Why is that?

Lakitu: I'm soiry, are you making fun of my glasses somehow?

DB: No, I'm just saying-

Lakitu: YOU MAKIN' FUN OF MY SCHWEET GLASSES?!

DB: I can't take you seriously if you say “schweet”. And why do so  many Lakitus have them?!

Lakitu: Because without them we look stupid!

(The Lakitu takes off his glasses.)

DB: Huh. You're right. Those beady little eyes don't really do  anything for you.

(He puts them back on.)

DB: What about the shell?

Lakitu: What about it?

DB: A Lakitu shell is designed differently than a normal Koopa  shell.

Lakitu: Only official Lakitus are to be assigned a shell like this. The bulls eye pattern thing is our license. Without this shell, we can't  officially be given a cloud, or even Spinies. Of course, there ARE a  few exceptions to the rule. That was a rule instated by the Koopa  Troop, not worldwide.

DB: Lakithunder has a silver shell.

Lakitu: Well he's an exception.

Zed: There are so many problems with that. Anybody can probably  steal a Lakitu shell and go for a joy ride.

DB: So true- Hey! I blew you to pieces!

Zed: Once again, Dry Bones. I can just reassemble.

DB: ... ZAPPED!

(Button pushed several times, no response.)

Zed: You destroyed the collar, idiot.

DB: True, but I always have a backup!

(Button pushed. I'm getting really tired of saying that.)

DB: Too bad.

(Blagh. A laser cannon comes down from the ceiling and blasts  Zed several, several times.)

Zed: ... Major ow.

(He collapses.)

Lakitu: How do you afford all these things for that one remote?

DB: Hey, I'm the interviewer here! And now you must tell me,  where do you keep all those Spinies?!

Lakitu: In our shells. Just like Hammer Bros. Although for  convenience, any Spinies we plan to throw are first placed in front of  us, hidden in the cloud. Defying logic is fun.

DB: Something we can actually agree on, I suppose. Next  question! What's with the fishing rod you guys always have?

Lakitu: One of our best tools, I must say. From so high above, we  can lure people into traps without them seeing us, we can steal  stuff with the hook without being seen, carry stuff around we don't  want to use our arms for, and we can fish too!

DB: I never quite understood the Lakitu that had a 1-Up Mushroom  on the fishing line.

Lakitu: Eh, that was a bad idea. Mario would jump for it, get it, fall  in the pit, then be fine five minutes later. If we were lucky. Usually  he took what was on the line, beat us up, then kept going as if  nothing happened!

DB: One more question before we go to the audience.

Zed: They've been pretty quiet, I must-

(Beep. A Chain Chomp dashes onstage and chases Zed out of the  studio.)

DB: Man, he's resilient!

Lakitu: What do you pay him for anyway?

DB: I don't. Last question from me, are Fishin' Boos just dead  Lakitus?

Lakitu: Yes. Yes they are.

DB: Short and simple. Good. Seat 17!

Thwomp: What with Lakitus in Mario Kart, helping players so  much?!

Lakitu: What are you talking about?

DB: Well, you guys start the race, you tell players when they’re going  the wrong way, you fish them out of out-of-bounds areas, and I’m  pretty sure you do other stuff too, like show what lap it is.

Lakitu: Ohh. The Mario Kart Lakitu. Yeah, that guy kinda didn't like  the Koopa Troop. Too much getting stomped, not enough pay.  Whiner. So he decided to help out in races held by Mario and his  friends.

DB: Sell-out.

Bowser: Traitor.

DB: Seat 9.

Bowser: That traitor.

DB: Bowser.

Bowser: He's gonna burn.

DB: Bowser!

Bowser: WHAT?!

DB: Ask a question!

Bowser: Hmph. Okay, ugly purple dude.

DB: Ouch.

Bowser: What about that other coward, the one who followed  Mario around with a camera?

Lakitu: He got into movie making. He wanted to film Mario's current  adventure, Super Mario 64 as you know it, and make millions from  it. Unfortunately, when the movie came out, too many people  complained about the camera angle quality, so not a lot of people  watched it. Not to say the movie was bad, but... no one wanted to  put up with the camera quality. The video game rendition was very  popular, though.

Bowser: Bwah hah hah! As if!

Zed: I have a question.

DB: You should be so very mauled right now. What gives?!

Zed: I feel like being annoying for once.

DB: Fine, ask your question and get out.

Zed: What are those things Thunder Lakitus have and how do they  get them? And use them?

Lakitu: Those are disks that generate and gather energy from the  environment. After being charged powerfully enough, Lakitus can  form the energy into an unstable sphere above their heads and  throw it like a Spiny. Only the most elite Lakitus ever get them, and  they're extremely rare. Lakithunder was one, but he chose a violent  storm cloud over the disks. He thought it was cooler.

DB: Now leave!

Zed: I thought you'd never ask.

(As Zed is about to leave, a click is heard.)

Voice From Above: WHOMP!

Zed: Eh?

(A Whomp falls from the ceiling and crushes Zed. Followed by  another one. And another. And another. Until it's a big dogpile of  Whomps on Zed, his broken arm sticking out from underneath,  falling limp.)

DB: Fool! He should know that only I have the last laugh! Ha ha  ha! Seat 30!

Magikoopa: Do you ever have any problems with the Spinies?

Lakitu: Not really. We throw Spiny eggs, which subsequently hatch  into Spinies. Therefore, they aren't in any position to be arguing.  Unless they hatch while they're still in our shells. Not pleasant. Not  common, but still not pleasant.

DB: Ouch. And lastly... Seat 62.

Ruff Puff: What was it like working for Master Huff ‘N Puff?

Lakitu: Eh, not really that different than working for Bowser. Both  are hard on their minions, though in the end, it turns out for the  best and we still want to be on their side. Except Huff ‘N Puff is  dead now. A utopia of clouds would've been nice, though. Alas.

DB: All right then! That would be the Interview for today!

Lakitu: Well that was fun.

DB: Are you being sarcastic?

Lakitu: Mayhaps. I'll never tell.

DB: That's the last choice you'll ever make!

(Button push. Someone take that thing away from him, I'm sick of  writing that!)

DB: Never!

(A trapdoor opens beneath the Lakitu. Needless to say, nothing  happens.)

Lakitu: Maybe you should've put a little more thought into this trap.

DB: Perhaps.

(A Whomp falls and slams into the Lakitu, knocking it into the hole  in the floor and sealing it off in the process.)

DB: Perhaps not.

Zed: Are we done now?

DB: Yeah, I- HEY!

Zed: Just face it. I'm not going to succumb to such little tricks of  yours!

DB: You think that now, but I have an ace in the hole! A secret trick  of which no one would ever guess, and that is a sure-fire perfect  plan! Gyah hah hah hah! Aherm.

Zed: ... And that is?

DB: ... BEATING!

(In a display of fury, DB begins beating on Zed with the remote  very violently.)

Zed: ... End-

SMACK!

DB: Transmission.

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