Joshua: THIS IS MY TENTH SOLO INTERVIEW!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Inferno: Still… so... busted up… from crash…

(For those who don’t know/forgot, Techno Guy accidentally mutated Eely-Mouth last Interview and blasted them to Ricco Harbor. It was painful.)

Techno Guy: You don’t say.

Joshua: Who are you talkin’ to?

Techno Guy: The voices in the sky that tell me to do things! ^_^

(Burn John with fire.)

Techno Guy: Yes, master.

(He shoots John with fire from his special ray gun.)

John: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRNNNSSSSS!!!

Joshua: (It IS fire…) Here, I’ll help you, loser!

(He blasts him with liquid nitrogen.)

John: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! IT DOESN’T BUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRNNNNNNNN!!!

(That’s what he was going to say, but he got as far as “A” before freezing over.)

Joshua: Anyway, that’s enough filler. Inferno, you’re interviewing.

(Joshua heals him.)

Inferno: What am I interviewing?

Joshua: Nothin’ big, just a Blooper.

Inferno: Lame.

Joshua: Allow me to explain: YOU WILL INTERVIEW, OR YOU WILL BE BLASTED WITH A LOT OF ICE COLD WATER!!!

Inferno: … I guess I’m interviewing a Blooper. But NO Goombas in the audience.

Joshua: I can’t promise that, Inferno. You’ll just have to kill them.

Inferno: … Sweeeeet…

***

Joshua: LIVE! From Ricco Harbor! I-

Lemmy: Lemmy’s Interview Show!

(Everyone in the audience and Joshua’s Interview Crew beats up Lemmy.)

Lemmy: … That’s it, the author hates me.

Author: Duuuuuuh.

Joshua: Hey, who’s that Koopatrol still beating up Lemmy?

(Yeah, a Koopatrol in white armor is still beating up Lemmy.)

Lemmy: I love Daddy’s cookies made of Dry Bones…

Shady: I KNEW it!

Koopatrol: Meh, I just like beating up people.

Joshua: You got a name?

Koopatrol: It’s Engarde.

Joshua: A job?

Engarde: Well, since I just beat up one of the heirs to the Koopa Throne, and therefore, my boss’ son… Probably not.

Joshua: Wanna join the Crew?

Engarde: Sure.

(Engarde joined the party!)

Joshua: This Interview hasn’t even started and it’s already stupid.

Engarde: Doy.

John: Huh. You don’t get a lot of “Doy” these days.

Engarde: Yeah…

Inferno: Can I just do my first Interview?

Joshua: I haven’t said the line yet! Ahem. Joshua’s Traveling Temporarily Super Interview Show!

(The fanfare plays.)

Inferno: Today, I’m interviewing a Blooper.

(A blue and black Blooper with a mechanical tentacle and a sword comes out. He puts the sword away as he sits down.)

Blooper: Call me Touché.

Inferno: You’ve got to be kidding me. Engarde and Touché? Is that the best you could come up with?

Author: Silence, non-believer! And he’s joining the Crew whether he likes it or not!

Joshua: Oh boy…

Inferno: Anyway… So, when did Bloopers make their first appearance?

Touché: Are you kidding? Bloopers have been around since the good ol’ days of Super Mario Bros. We are just AWESOME! It does my heart good to see a Blooper in a recent Mario game…

Joshua: (Last Blooper I saw was in Paper Mario 2…)

Touché: We’ve even got seats on the high council of SMBVUARF!

Inferno: Wha?

Touché: It stands for Super Mario Bros. Villains United Against Red Forks!

Inferno: Why red forks?

Touché: Why not? Red forks are EVIL!!!

Inferno: … Ok… So what’s up with the different color Bloopers in Ricco Harbor?

Touché: Oh, that’s easy. If you have a rare color like that, it means you’re a racing Blooper. Purple is the slowest, yellow is in between, and green is the fastest.

Inferno: What about your color?

Touché: I’m a fighting Blooper. That means I prefer to fight. I can use my tentacles, ink, and of course, swords.

Inferno: Why swords?

Touché: Why not?

(He pulls out a sword and grasps it in his tentacle. Engarde also pulls out a sword that looks quite similar to Touché’s.)

Joshua: Oh boy… After the Interview, fellas.

Inferno: Yeah! Death to all Goombas!

(He shoots a fireball that somehow kills all the Goombas in the audience and misses everyone else.)

Joshua: AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! ENOUGH RANDOMNESS!!! INTERVIEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!

Inferno: So… How do you guys make and shoot ink?

Touché: By eating special plants that grow underwater. These plants have special chemicals in them that allow our stomachs to create ink. This ink goes into two stores. One store is for ink that is shot through the mouth, and the other is for tentacle-expelled ink.

Inferno: You talk almost as much as Morton.

(Morton, who is in the audience, begins that infamous speech about speeches.)

Joshua: Everyone cover your ears!

Shady: I can handle this, boss! Hey Morton! Stop or I’ll say NI.

Morton: No! Not that! Not that torture! Not that evil!

Shady: NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI-

Joshua: Keep going, Shady! He’s starting to weaken!

Shady: NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI!!!

(Morton explodes from the sheer amount of NIs.)

Joshua: The author sure loves copy and paste.

John: Aren’t you the author?

(Twilight Zone music plays.)

Everyone: YAY! All hail Shady the Hero!

Inferno: This is stupid. How do you expel the ink?

Touché: I either regurgitate it or fart, depending on where I want it to come out.

Inferno: Both incredibly gross.

(Joshua farts for no reason. John farts for no reason. Shady farts for no reason. Techno Guy farts to copy everybody else. Engarde farts because he can. Touché farts and expels ink to try and better him. Inferno spontaneously combusts, then reforms, because I say so. All the audience leaves except for a Cheep Cheep who lost his sense of smell in a boating accident. Don’t ask.)

Inferno: So random it’s lame.

John: You are about to enter a zone. A zone where the good is lame and the lame is even lamer. Welcome to… The Lame Zone.

(Twilight Zone music plays.)

Shady: Where does that keep coming from?

Inferno: What relation are you to Gooper Blooper?

Touché: He’s a rogue Blooper who was lured in by Shadow Mario’s promises of free dental and all the Cheep Cheeps he could eat. He was *sniff*… my father… I still remember the day he told me…

FLASHBACK!

(Touché is on the edge of a pier. He is clutching a sword in one tentacle. Gooper is standing over him with another sword.)

Gooper: Obi-Wan never told you about your father.

Touché: What?

Gooper: Touché, I am your father!!!

Touché: Nnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

(Gooper chops off one of Touché’s tentacles and pushes him off the pier.)

END FLASHBACK!

Touché: Good times, good times…

Inferno: That explains why you have a mechanical tentacle.

Touché: Sometimes, it has a mind of its own…

(The tentacle tries to strangle John, but fails as Joshua clobbers it with his wand.)

Joshua: NO! That’s a bad tentacle! I’m the only one allowed to strangle John!

(Joshua begins strangling John, but before that, I swear, the tentacle makes a whimpering sound.)

Touché: See?

Inferno: Which sea creature is faster: Bloopers or Cheep Cheeps?

Touché: Well, I’m biased but… GO BLOOPERS!!! WHOO!!!

Cheep Cheep: And I’m biased but… GO CHEEP CHEEPS!!! WHOO!!!

Inferno: Kill me. So… are you guys fans of fire?

Touché: Well… I don’t mind it, but my cousin Blooey… Well he had an incident that involved Luigi, a compass, a 20-foot statue, and eventually, a lava bath.

Joshua: Yeah, that was my favorite part of Luigi’s adventure…

Blooey: White Torpedo away!

(Joshua gets hit by Blooey.)

Joshua: Pain…

(Joshua falls down unconscious.)

Touché: Really, fire’s okay, I don’t mind the heat, but as for that Cheep Cheep from earlier who said Bloopers were slower than Cheep Cheeps…

(The Cheep Cheep from earlier is being burnt alive by all the fire-based creatures from every game, cartoon, and book you can think of. And yes, that includes dragons.)

John: Cool.

Techno Guy: Is it audience time yet? And how come I’ve done nothing this whole Interview?

Shady: You farted.

Techno Guy: I mean actually speak.

Shady: Really?

Techno Guy: Yes, really.

Inferno: We’re out of time, and all the audience left after all you guys farted. What do you think?

Techno Guy: Yes?

(John throws three Spiny eggs at him, knocking him out. Joshua wakes up.)

Joshua: You know, I think this was the most random Interview yet.

Shady: Yup. END TRANSMISSION!

Engarde: FIGHT TIME!!!

(He and Touché begin a sword fight, which we won’t show due to budget cuts. HA!)

(END TRANSMISSION)

Have an Interview or a suggestion of your own? Email me!
Go back to Lemmy's Interviews.
Go back to my main page.