(A 16-year-old boy in jeans and a blue T-shirt, a pink Bob-omb, a metal Cleft, a torpedo, and the Crystal King all walk onstage.)

Boy: Hi, I’m the Crystal King Fan!

Bob-omb: Hi, I’m Bombette!

Cleft: Hi, I’m Iron Cleft!

Torpedo: I’M A TORPEDO!!!

Crystal King: And I’m the Crystal King himself!

All: And this is our first Interview!!!

Cortez: Hi! I’m the interviewee!

Lemmy: And this is my show! It’s Lemmy’s Interview Show! Now start this thing, Crystal King Fan!

CKF: You got it, Lemmy! So, why did you have three different forms?

Cortez: I use spectral energy to manipulate my bones. This allows me to take on more than one form. I’ve been practicing new forms for a while now.

(He manipulates his bones into the shape of Bowser and puts on a shell.)

CKF: Why?

Cortez: I’m bored.

CKF: …

Cortez: Did I mention that I appeared in New Super Mario Bros. as the Bowser Bones?

CKF: No.

Cortez: Well, you hardly expected Bowser to plunge into the lava? I found it to be just like a hot bath. ^_^

CKF: … Bombette, your turn.

Bombette: Why are your weapons able to fly on their own?

Cortez: What makes you say that?

(Cortez’s weapons are seen flying around the studio.)

Bombette: No reason.

Cortez: They’re imbued with spectral energy. It’s both a blessing and a curse; I can control them, but when I’m not, they go wild.

Bombette: I see. Iron Cleft?

(Iron Cleft is seen singing the DK Rap.)

CKF: Hey! That’s Joshua’s joke!

Joshua: Darn skippy.

(Joshua hits Iron Cleft with the Beam Sword, then goes back to wherever.)

Iron Cleft: Ow. Walnuts, peanuts, pineapple smells!
Grapes, melons, oranges, and coconut shells!

Everyone: …

(An eagle tries to claw out Iron Cleft’s eyes.)

Iron Cleft (screaming): AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-WHY WERE YOU BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Cortez: I made a deal with Davy Jones. After I died I went to the locker-

Crystal King: Foot Locker?

Cortez: … No. But I couldn’t face it. The torture was terrible! I made a deal with Davy Jones. As soon as I find for him a particular treasure, I go back to the locker.

CKF: You DO realize he died in Pirates of the Caribbean 3, right?

Cortez: … I’m FREE!!!

CKF: And was replaced by Will Turner.

Cortez: Dang. Well, after this Interview, I'd better get back to finding the treasure of the Thousand-Year Door.

Iron Cleft: -AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I forgot what I was screaming about. I think Professor Frankly has it.

Cortez: … He’s goin’ DOOOOOOOOWWWWNNNNNNN!!!

Torpedo Ted: I’M A TORPEDO!!!

(He explodes, then reforms.)

Torpedo Ted: And my name’s Boom! Get it right!

Cortez: Just ask the question.

Boom: What happened to your Spanish accent?

Iron Cleft: Hey! Get MY name right!

CKF: What IS your name?

Iron Cleft: Iron Cleft.

CKF: …

Cortez: Aw, Nintendo just added that for fun. Personally, I thought it was sort of a generalization.

Miyamoto: Die!

Cortez: … I AM dead.

(Miyamoto shoots Cortez and he falls apart.)

Cortez: … Peachy.

Crystal King: Did you have any pirates on your ship before you died?

Cortez: Yeah, of course. It takes more than one man to run a ship. Mostly Koopas and Bob-ombs, but we had a couple of Shroobs too. Flavio’s ancestors were part of my crew but left once they stole the Skull Gem and left me stranded at sea. Davy Jones turned them into Embers once I was brought back. Flavio’s ancestors were part of my crew but left once they stole the Skull Gem and left me stranded at sea. That’s how I died.

CKF: Seat CLOWN PRINCE!

Lemmy: I thought you were the pirate king. What happened?

Cortez: That was just an untrue rumor invented by some random guy. I wonder who it was.

(Iron Cleft is seen whistling.)

CKF: So you’re nonchalant already, I get it!

Everyone Else: …

CKF: Seat CHAMPION!

Rawk Hawk: Rawkin’ pirate guy! How did you get so much rawkin’ treasure?

Cortez: It was just treasure I amassed while I was alive. Jones gave me the Sapphire Star to help me get the treasure of the Thousand-Year Door. I didn’t realize that I needed to open the door at the time.

Boom: Man, it would be bad if Bowser fell onto my head right now. Also, I’M A TORPEDO!!!

(Bowser falls out of the sky, onto Boom’s head.)

Boom: WHOALY ZEN!!!

Maguskoopa: My joke!

(Crystal King freezes Maguskoopa.)

CKF: Seat PSYCHIC LEGENDARY CLONE!

Mewtwo: If you can take other forms, can you use their attacks?

Cortez: I’ve never tried. I’ll check.

Cortez turns into Bowser Bones's form and does Whirling Fortress, then Fire Breath (SSBM).

Cortez: Yep.

(Crystal King Fan catches Mewtwo with a Master Ball.)

CKF: Go, Mewtwo!

Mewtwo: Dang. Well, I guess I’ll join your crew.

CKF: There you have it! Mewtwo has joined my crew! Remember, I’m the Crystal King Fan!

Bombette: I’m Bombette!

Iron Cleft: I’m Iron Cleft!

Boom: I’M A TORPEDO!!! Named Boom!

Crystal King: And I’m the Crystal King!

CKF: Time to spin the Wheel of Interviewees!

(CKF spins a wheel. The Iron Adonis Twins’ faces come up.)

CKF: And the interviewer is…

(He spins another wheel. Iron Cleft’s face comes up.)

CKF: That’s appropriate. Next time, Iron Cleft interviews the Iron Adonis Twins! End transmission!

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