Mr. Ignorable (Shady Parakoopa’s Interviews): Interview 18!

Techno Guy: What’s he doing here?

Joshua: He’s on loan from Shady Parakoopa until a special Interview I’m planning.

Techno Guy: … Can I kill him?

Joshua: … No.

Techno Guy: Aww…

Joshua: Ok, I haven’t done a joint Interview with any of you guys yet, Steelix hasn’t interviewed at all, and Princess Shroob is going to do it with us… just because.

Steelix: Ok.

Princess Shroob: Dang, I was going to go and destroy Spain.

Joshua: Why?

Princess Shroob: No reason.

Everyone: …

(Bobbery’s ship pulls into port.)

Bobbery: What happened to the town?

Joshua: … GET HIM!!!

(Petey Piranha and Crump knock out Bobbery and tie him up. Petey spits mud on his fuse to stop him from exploding.)

Joshua: You’re smarter than I thought, Petey.

Petey: Stroke of genius. Too bad that’ll never happen again L…

Joshua: … Well, whatevs.

Everyone: …

Joshua: Yeah. That was kind of dumb. Maybe I’ve been talking to Mint too much in Animal Crossing: Wild World.

(The fanfare plays. It is revealed that it’s Inferno playing a trumpet.)

King Boo: …

Joshua: It’s Joshua’s Travelling Temporarily Super Interview Show! Live from Keelhaul Key! Today, we’re interviewing Admiral Bobbery! Arguably the best party member in Paper Mario 2! I’ll start. So, for those who didn’t play PM2 (fools) or aren’t very far yet (losers), who are you, what was your ability, and what were your stats?

Bobbery: I am a Bob-omb sailor who was married to a beautiful Bob-omb named Scarlette before she passed due to illness. I joined in Chapter 5: The Key to Pirates, on Keelhaul Key. I wear a white captain’s hat with an anchor on it, and I have a fine mustache. By pressing X, Mario could throw me; I would walk a few steps, and then explode. This could destroy cracked walls and rocks, revealing pipes, items, exits, whatever. When I joined, I had 20 HP, but I never had any defense. My Bomb did 4 damage, or 5 to fire- or explosive-based enemies, and I could use Bomb Squad for 3 FP. This allowed me to throw 3 time bombs that would explode 3 turns later, each doing 3 damage. The power of this move never increased. At Super Rank, my HP increased to 30, Bomb’s power increased by 1, and I could use Hold Fast for 4 FP. This allowed me to explode if an enemy touched me, and return some of the damage. The amount of time this lasted depended on how well the Action Command was done. At Ultra Rank, my HP increased to 40, Bomb’s power increased by 1 again, and I learned the almighty Bob-ombast for 9 FP. This did 8 damage to all enemies.

Joshua: So… boring… Must… stay… awake… and… stop… talking… in… short… bursts… Where… did… you… meet… Scarlette?

Bobbery: We met in Fahr Outpost. In PM2, I said that I’d been to Fahr Outpost before, and that was how I knew the cannon was there. This is also where I met Scarlette. I was on leave from my sailing and was visiting my grandparents. Scarlette was running the inn where I was staying, and we fell in love. The rest, as they say, is history.

Joshua: Zzz… Huh? Oh, right, Interview. So, why can Bob-ombs like you and Bombette explode without hurting yourself?

Bobbery: During one of my sailing voyages, I found a treasure. This was the Mystic Powder Keg. Any Bob-omb who touches it gains that power.

Princess Shroob: That doesn’t explain about Bombette.

Bobbery: I was just getting to that. Bombette is my daughter. She still doesn’t know that her mother has died. She has been travelling for several years. I do intend to tell her some day.

Princess Shroob: Bo-RING! What do you do now?

Bobbery: I continue my sailing duties, making port, sometimes even ferrying travellers overseas.

Princess Shroob: What do you do when sailing? What’s the point?

Bobbery: Well, we can be escorts for an important ship, couriers, even sometimes battleships. It just depends on who needs us.

Steelix: Do you have a crew?

Bobbery: Yes. Nobody can run a ship alone. I have a crew of loyal Toads, Bob-ombs, and a few Koopas, Goombas, and Shy Guys.

Steelix: Does that make you captain?

Bobbery: Yes. I am now Captain Bobbery. But everyone still calls me Admiral Bobbery, because they’re used to it.

Steelix: Ok, this is the final question.

(DAN, DAN, DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!)

Steelix: … How strong are your explosions?

Bobbery: Strong enough to blow holes in walls, but…

(Bobbery explodes and KO’s Steelix.)

Joshua: *GASP* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

Inferno: … End Transmission.

Joshua: ...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- I forgot what I was screaming about. So, how do we get rid of him?

Shady, Inferno and Scorch: I’ll do it! No, me! ME! MEEEEEE!!!

(Shady, Inferno and Scorch get into a cartoon cloud fight.)

Joshua: …

John: I’ll do it.

Joshua: You’re capable of murder?

John: Sure. Watch. REDUCTO!!!

(John fires a ball of magic at Bobbery, reducing him to a pile of ashes.)

Everyone: 0_0

John: I saw Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix last night.

Joshua: … Where? We destroyed the town.

John: Portable DVD player in my cloud.

Joshua: …

John: …

(John picks up Joshua with his psychic powers, and slams him against the wall of the Pirate’s Grotto.)

Joshua: Ow. Just for that, you’re doin’ the next Interview.

John: Dang. Hey… They’re still fighting.

Joshua: Oh. Super Smash Brothers Melee POWAH!!! Star Rod!

(Joshua uses the Star Rod form of his wand.)

Joshua: Triple Star Blast!

(Joshua uses Captain Falcon’s Smash Attack with the Star Rod to stop Inferno, Scorch, and Shady.)

Joshua: Hey… That’s the first time I’ve done that! Cool! Oh yeah, Scorch, you’re doing the next Interview with John. Cookies to anyone who can guess who it is…

END TRANSMISSION

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