Lemmy: Welcome to-

Count Blacula: OH, OH, can I say it?

Lemmy: Ugh, fine.

Count Blacula: Welcome to-

Swooper: Lemmy’s Interview Show!

Count Blacula: …

Swooper: Blah?

(Swooper gets savagely beaten.)

Count Blacula: Lemmy’s Interview Show!

Lemmy: …

Count Blacula: Time for my first Interview… Wait, who am I interviewing again?

Roy: (whispering) Morton.

Count Blacula: Right, well bring him out.

Lakitu: (whispering) Umm, we can’t find him.

Count Blacula: Ugh, Roy! Find him!

Roy: Ugh, Plop! Find him!

(Morton falls from the ceiling.)

Plop: Found him.

Count Blacula: Uh, thanks.

Morton: Ow, that hurt.

(Roy glares at Plop.)

Plop: What? I didn’t do anything.

Count Blacula: Anyway, let's start with a question.

Roy: I think it’s a little late for that…

Count Blacula: …

Plop: …

Morton: …

Swooper: …

(Roy begins beating Swooper.)

Count Blacula: Can we get on with this Interview, please?

Roy: Yup.

Morton: Waiting on you.

Count Blacula: Okay, first question, why did you decide to place your castle in the Donut Plains in SMW?

Morton: I’m actually afraid of all the Boos flying around the haunted houses, and it seemed a safe distance away from any.

Count Blacula: Mmhm…

Morton: Umm, that was all.

Count Blacula: Oh, sorry, I wasn’t paying attention.

Morton: …

Count Blacula: Okay, if this starts another … chain someone’s gonna get hurt.

…

Count Blacula: Roy!

(Roy beats the narrator. Ow!)

Count Blacula: Thank you.

Roy: No problem, I really hate that guy.
 
Count Blacula: Anyways, Morton, how were you able to walk up the walls when fighting Mario in SMW?

Morton: Well I actually have those climbing claws ninjas use on the bottom of my feet.

Count Blacula: Aren’t you a little, well… fat to be a ninja?

Morton: Did you just call me fat?

Count Blacula: Nope.

Koopa: (shouting from the audience) Yes he did!

(Count throws a chicken sandwich at the Koopa.)

Roy: Chicken Sandwich!

(Roy dives after the sandwich, landing on the Koopa.)

Morton: Can we continue please? I have an important liposuction appointment to go to.

Count Blacula: Sure thing, fatty.

Morton: Wait-

Count Blacula: Moving on. How did you manage to shake the ground below Mario when you landed?

Morton: Despite what people may think, it’s not because I’m fat.

Count Blacula: Then how?

Morton: I was actually landing on small buttons that triggered small explosions underground.

Count Blacula: Well, why couldn’t Mario accidentally press them down when he would run under you?

Morton: He doesn’t weigh enough, obviously.

Count Blacula: In other words, you’re fat.

Morton: I AM-

Count Blacula: Audience Questions… Seat 32.

Mario: Why was I able to beat you so easily?

Morton: I resent that remark…

Count Blacula: Answer please.

Morton: Ugh, fine, because I’m fat. Is that what you all wanted to hear?

Audience: Hahaha.

(Morton sighs.)

Count Blacula: Seat 78.

Kurt Angle: Morton, do you like milk-

(A sandbag falls on Kurt.)

Lakitu: Whoops?

***

Lemmy: Roy, why are you sitting at the snackbar? Shouldn’t you be helping Count with the Interview?

Roy: Probably.

Lemmy: And why is Plop here…

Roy: Dunno, guess she followed me.

Plop: I’m here to help Roy, who is helping Count, who is in turn helping you by keeping people coming to read Interviews.

Roy: Wow, did you think of that by yourself?

Plop: Yes, so I guess in a way I’m helping you also.

Lemmy: Well thanks, I suppose, but I haven’t seen you severely injure anyone today.

Plop: I haven’t?

(Plop runs off.)

Roy: Hmm, wonder where she went.

(Screams can be heard coming from the other room.)

Lemmy and Roy: Oh.

***

Count Blacula: Seat 65.

Swooper: Bla-

Count Blacula: Seat 66.

Morton: Yes, why are you so bald? WAIT!

Count Blacula: Get back up here!

Morton: Sorry.

Count Blacula: Seat 88.

Waluigi: Wah!

Count Blacula: Okay, you know what? No more audience questions.

Audience: Yay!

Count Blacula: Morton, I’ve always wondered, why is there a Jr. in your name?

Morton: Well Count, my grandfather, Dad’s dad, is named Morton.

(A sandbag falls on Count.)

Count Blacula: Come on guys, can’t we run anything professionally around here?

Lakitu: Sorry.

Count Blacula: (distraught) Okay, Morton, I heard you had a different name in the Mario cartoon, is this true?

Morton: Yes, my name in the cartoon was Big Mouth.

(Roy throws Plop into one of the cameramen.)

Count Blacula: Now what’s going on?!

Roy: She stole one of my fries!

Plop: Did not!

Count Blacula: Okay, you know what? This Interview is over, bye.

Plop: This was all your fault.

Roy: Was not.

Plop: Was too.

(The audience leaves while Roy and Plop are arguing onstage.)

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