Paper Mario Characters, as told by Luigi, understudy to a plumber

So, you’re looking to see what sort of characters appear in this here "fantastic" game, huh?  Well, seeing as the Mushroom Kingdom’s Most Wanted appears only on cable, I think I might just give you the low down.

The Hero

Mario

What, you haven’t heard of him? Why do you think the game’s called Paper Mario, then? This heavyweight plumber could possibly be the best-known video game character today, and he sure lives up to that regard.  I hear he’s able to jump and hammer, and upgrades can be found to increase the strength of each attack. Of course, he would have to find them, and that’s extremely unlikely.

The Villain

Bowser

This guy’s almost as notorious as Mario. Ruthless, deceitful, and strong, he’ll likely kick the fat behind of my lesser brother, unless, of course, his earlier defeats discourage him. You’d think Bowser would learn, wouldn’t you? At least he doesn’t have to go up against me this time- maybe he actually has a fathomable chance with that fabled "Star Rod" do-dad. Nah.

Party Members

What kind of Mario Party is this, without me. Gosh, I can jump higher than every one of these guys, but you don’t see Luigi following Mario around like he’s the Pied Piper, do you? Of course, I’ve probably done enough of that already…

Goombario

A young, simple Goomba, this guy’s so innocent, it’s tough for even me to find something wrong with him.  He idolizes Mario, and has great fashion sense. His moves also come in handy for attacking air enemies as well as those on ground. Of course, it is odd that he knows so much about the Mushroom Kingdom, since he’s lived in Goomba Village all his life.

Kooper

Now this guy’s stylin’.  Look at that natty shell, suave kerchief, and neat bandage. If anyone’s going to be useful, it’ll be this little Koopa from Koopa Village. I hear he also brings the group together well, and has some useful moves with an emphasis on attacking ground enemies. With a wish to someday become an archaeologist, ala Kolorado, Kooper’s almost as cool as me- though not quite.

Bombette

This bomb’s had a tough life, being imprisoned in the Koopa Bros.' Fortress all the time. Of course, she’s ready to assist Mario in defeating Bowser with her explosive personality. I could’ve probably escaped her cell faster than she did, but hey, I’m not dumb enough to get caught ticking off one of Bowser’s minions while he has the Star Rod. Apparently she’s great for inflicting a ton of damage upon enemies anywhere, but I fail to see what all of the hype is about.

Parakarry

This reject of society was more or less useless at everything from cooking to cleaning, thus it’s difficult to fathom why he ever thought he’d succeed working for the Mushroom Kingdom Postal Service.  Nevertheless, he fails to deliver letters at every opportunity, and needs Mario to find the dropped papers and deliver them for him. What a freeloader. He’s lucky he can do some serious damage to airborne enemies. Koopa the Quick tried out for this job, but he was far too good at it- the folks at Nintendo didn’t like the idea of anyone skilled going along with Mario’s party. I think I’m beginning to see why I was passed over…

Bow

This self-serving Boo has only one care: her own well-being, and that of her fellow Boos. Her initial goal may be a personal vendetta against Tubba Blubba (not Mario, another character with the same nickname), but I’m sure she’ll take pity on my brother and end up helping him full-time. Specializing in strategic moves, Bow can still do the most damage of anyone with her painful Fan Slap. I would insult, but for fear of that fan. Ouch.

Watt

Watt is a boring, albeit bright, light, with approximately four lines during Mario’s adventure. Pah! Even I speak more than that. This lack of personality almost makes me laugh, knowing she was incased in the light of Lantern-wielding Ghost inside Shy Guys’ Toy Box. Of course, Watt does have an excellent nack for paralyzing enemies and breaking through defenses, not to mention attacking armored baddies. Of course, anyone can do that, right?

Sushi

She may be the eldest of the group, but Sushi’s not adept to sit back and watch the young ones do the work. A dutiful Yoshi babysitter, Sushi got the short end of the stick when the kids played a trick on her, but I’m sure my "good Samaritan" brother will be glad to help her out. She’s great with fire enemies, and has quite a diverse arsenal of attacks. The only problem is that she’s boring, as I have little more to say about her.

Lackilester

The last (and least) member of Mario’s troop, this guy must spend most of his time staring in the mirror.  That would explain his lack of strong moves. I don’t know how he ever managed to find a girlfriend, but somehow he did, and he’s always trying to impress her. He even calls himself Spike to try and impress people. Likewise, I’ve started calling Mario "Fido". Spinies are the real attackers here, as without them, he’s pretty useless. I hear Mario even beat him up!

Other Characters

Kammy Koopa

This Magikoopa’s strong, all right. I hear she creates a block to block Mario’s path at the beginning of his adventure. If this were my role, I’d simply dangle a long thread of spaghetti in front of Mario, and tire him out. Apparently Kammy Koopa isn’t that bright- hopefully Peach will take full advantage of that fault in escaping.

Peach

Princess Toadstool’s still going by her first name, but with her sneaky parasol, the badguys ought not to think things are peachy around Castle Koopa. She’ll probably end up doing the bulk of the work, maybe even escape herself- that would teach Mario a lesson, wouldn’t it?

Twink

Twink is simply a cute little Star Kid- he just ascended to Star Haven a little while ago, you know. I can’t possibly see what help he’ll be in Mario’s adventure, though no doubt there’ll be some morality involved.  These new-fangled games always need some kind of lesson, it seems. A nice lesson would be "how to stand up to your fame-stealing brother", but the Nintendo geeks would never buy it.

Koopa Koot

Yes, you read correctly. This guy is one grouchy old Koopa coot, and it’ll be all Mario can do to keep his greedy tendencies appeased. Of course, in return for coming all the way to Koopa Village to help him out, I hear Mario gets some nice pennies. Worthless if you ask me, though the grizzly old guy might have some other, more useful stuff, if the plumber’s cap fits.

Tayce T.

Apparently she can make any dish in the Mushroom Kingdom, assuming the appropriate items are supplied.  Of course, she really can’t be that great, if one needs to find a cookbook for her to make any really great recipes. Regardless, I wouldn’t be surprised if Mario spends the whole game in her kitchen, then- I think I’ll stop by, if only to mock him.

And Finally…

Luigi

This handsome, young, athletic hero is simply to good to be included in any "paper" game, though I shall certainly have a few cameos, just to appeal to the gaming public’s true wishes. Please, feel free to stop by and visit my house, since I’m sure there won’t be much else to do with that pathetic rag-tag excuse for a party. We could even share some lasagna.

Have a different opinion on the Koopas or want to introduce your own characters? Email me!
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