Bill Gates begins to do a dance of avoiding the bullets.

Auto Locker Machine: Now you must die!

A guy begins to walk into the locker room.

Guy: Hey, is this Roy’s Wrestling Arena?

The machine shoots out an AOL free trial disk from its drive and Bill Gates jumps out of the way. The disc decapitates the guy.

Iggy: This is getting very repetitive!

Auto-Locker-Machine: Resitanc-

Iggy chugs some PowerAde at the machine and the machine shorts out.

Auto-Locker-Machine: Last words... um, I- .

ZCH!

Iggy: Thank goodness! I couldn't stand another running gag! Now where's Cammi? Hmmm, well, I'm sure she'll show up later in the plot.

Then Iggy goes to a woman’s clothing store.

Iggy: Yeah baby!

Shopkeeper: Sir, I think you have the wrong store.

Iggy: Nah, I just want a dress.

Shopkeeper: ...

Iggy: What?

Shopkeeper: Um, sorry mister cross dresser, but we can't sell you anything till my dad comes back He’s always at the bar

Iggy: What? That’s the most insane thing I ever heard! How can you make money? Wait, he wasn't wearing black, was he?

Shopkeeper: Yeah.

Iggy faints and has a flashback. Iggy runs out of the store. He runs into the bar.

Iggy: Whew...

Iggy gets a seat right in front of the bartender. The bartender’s back is facing him.

Iggy: Hey, can I have a drink?

Bartender: ...

Iggy: Excuse me-

The bartender spins around quickly. Its eyes flash.

Auto Bartender Machine: Windows ninety-eight! Didn't expect to see me here, did ya'? Fool, your ways are irrelevant! Resistance is futile.

Iggy: Huh?

Auto Bartender Machine: Dance rummy!

A machine gun pokes out of the machine and aims at Iggy’s feet.

Iggy: Aw, crud.

Iggy begins to do a dance of avoiding the bullets.

Machine: Now you must die!

A guy in a black shirt begins to walk into the shop.

Guy: Hey, is this Roy’s Bar?

The machine shoots out an AOL free trial disk from its drive and Iggy jumps out of the way. The disc decapitates the guy. Iggy wakes up from his flashback.

Shopkeeper: You back? So, you gonna go get my dad?

Iggy thinks for a moment, and it hurts.

Iggy: Duuuuhhhh... Ok.

Five seconds later...

Iggy drags the decapitated body back to the shop.

Shopkeeper: Wow daddy, you’re looking pretty today! What’s all that red stuff?

Iggy: Uh... er... Raspberry jelly!

Shopkeeper: Yummy!

The shopkeeper gets a cracker.

Iggy: Anyways, can I buy a dress no-

Shopkeeper: Ew, this jelly tastes like blood.

Iggy: ... Yeah.

Shopkeeper: Anyway, what kind of dress are you looking for?

Iggy: Uh...

Iggy thinks for another eight seconds.

Iggy: A cheap one!

Shopkeeper: Okie dokie!

The shopkeeper goes to the back.

Shopkeeper: Oh! Ow!

BOOM!

Shopkeeper: Whoa!

The shopkeeper comes out with a miniskirt with a bunch of holes and tears.

Shopkeeper: Enjoy! That will be 1,000 Gil! *Scrambled noises* That will be 10,000 noises.

Iggy: &)*^&*%!

Iggy escapes in the nick of time just as the shopkeeper bursts through his skin.

Auto Shopkeeper Machine: Window's Ninety-Eight! AOL!

Iggy: This whole town’s being taken over by auto-salesmen! Maybe because Roy sold out to Microsoft.

Anyway, Iggy continues his cross dressing quest for some makeup.

Iggy: Now where haven't I gone that wasn't taken over by a robot.

Iggy goes to the Materia shop.

Iggy: Hey, do you have any makeup?

Shopkeeper: Aw, darnit! Another cross dresser!

Iggy: I want makeup!

Shopkeeper: Geez dude! You're freaking me out! I'm feeling so many emotions! I... I...

The shopkeeper begins to cry. Then sparks fly out of his neck and his head melts. A small boy walks in.

Small Boy: You killed dad!

Iggy: No I didn't!

Small Boy: Yes you did!

Iggy: Gimme makeup!

Small Boy: No!

Iggy picks up the boy and shakes him. Some Gil falls out of his pockets.

Iggy: Score!

Then the shopkeeper turns into an Auto Seller Machine after his skin had melted off.

Iggy: I am really hating this.

Anyway, Iggy throws the kid at the robot and steals some Materia. Then Iggy runs out.

Iggy: Dude, this stuff is stupid!

Iggy goes to another shop.

Iggy: Geez, how many are there? Gimme makeup!

There is this caged chimp in the corner doing some sweat housework.

Shopkeeper: Hey stranger, you say you need some makeup (hu-yuck)?

Iggy: Aw, a bumpkin!

Iggy hits him with a stick.

Shopkeeper: Ouch! Anyways, if you want some makeup pay me 5 Gil!

Iggy: Ok!

Iggy gives the shopkeeper 5 Gil.

Shopkeeper: You… You really paid! I'm feeling so much... emotion!

Iggy: Snap out of it!

Shopkeeper: Oh! Ok! Here you go!

The shopkeeper hands Iggy some makeup. It has tons of different color shades but none of them are orange.

Iggy: Aw, crud! I'm gonna be a clown!

Shopkeeper: I'm sorry... That was the last I had. *Sniffle*

Iggy darts out of the shop. Minutes later it catches on fire from the inside. Anyway, Iggy puts on the makeup. He ends up looking pink and girlish as intended. Then he put the dress and the high-heeled shoes on. He finds Cammi back at the door to the mansion.

Guard: Whoa, a couple of retarded chicks! The boss'll want to see you!

Cammi: Excuse me?

Iggy: Poit.

This large vacuum thing sticks out of the wall and sucks Cammi and Iggy up into it. They land in the basement.

Iggy: Well...

Well, then some guards come down the stairs and grab them and throw them into the wall a few times. Then they take them out of the basement. Eventually, that is, after they were knocked down the stairs a few times.

Iggy: Where the heck did you guys work before here?

Guard: Postal service.

Then another guard comes down the stairs with Yoshiki. She seems to be wearing the same stuff as Iggy.

Iggy: Oh really?!

Yes, really...

Yoshiki: Iggy!

Iggy: Yoshiki! Nice clothes...

Yoshiki: Who's this?

Iggy: She's my new housewife. We aren't married and we don't love each other but she gets all the work done while I watch her. I occasionally throw the remote on the floor sometimes just to-

Cammi: Iggy!

Yoshiki: Iggy!

Cammi: Shut up!

Yoshiki: You!

Cammi yanks Yoshiki's hair.

Iggy: Wait, didn't we settle earlier on that you didn't have hair? You're bald! Haha!

Iggy: Uh, Yoshiki? What are you doing here anyway? Did Toad find out that Roy has something to do with Smash?

Yoshiki: No, I just came here to find a little fun. I was sure you were dead so I decided I should find a new man.

Iggy: Oh.

Yoshiki: But I guess we could interrogate him for no reason at all. We could pretend like he works for Smash!

Iggy: Excellent!

The doors open and the guards come out.

Guard: Time to go. I told Roy you would at least be in fair condition.

The guard grabs Yoshiki’s arm and rips it off.

Guards: Whoops.

Yoshiki: Ow!

Yoshiki falls over in pain and then passes out from blood loss.

Iggy: Ouch, there goes her only weapon.

The guard tries to grab Cammi but she runs up the steps screaming. The guards grab Yoshiki and takes her downstairs. They duct tape her to a surgery table and super glue her arm back on with the aid of even more duct tape and then pump some more blood into her.

Guard: Hey, it’s good enough for Bob Green.

Iggy: Can I borrow a scalpel?

Guard: No.

Iggy: Dang.

Anyway, Yoshiki wakes up with the duct turning red.

Guards: Now you have to take an IQ test to see if you’re retarded enough for Roy.

The guards pull back a large curtain to reveal lots of plot devices.

Guards: Oops.

The guards bring out a barrel of IQ testing stuff.

Player: How is that possible? That makes no sense!

PSX: Fool, your ways are irrelevant! Resistance is futile!

Anyway, back to the game…

Guard: Iggy, your IQ test came back negative.

Iggy: Yippee! What’d I win?

Guard: You get to see Roy!

Cammi: No way! I’m way better looking than him! Cammi pulls down the shoulder of her shirt to reveal some elbow and then she pulls her dress over her kneecap and puts her leg out.

Cammi: Now, watch this little trick I learned.

SCREEN BLANKS OUT

This part has been censored for your viewing pleasure.

Bip.

Bip.

POP!

Guard: Whoah! What the *(&% was that?

POP!

POP!

Cammi: Crud! It’s out of control!

Guard: Here!

BSHUUUUUuuu…

Cammi: Geez, that’s never happened before. Can I have an icepack?

Guard: Yeah, sure…

*Click*

Guard: Here! Whoops!

Cammi: Hey! You did that on purpose!

Guard: Whoops, here.

Cammi: Hey! Ow! Ow!

Guard: Sorry! There.

Cammi: Thank you.

SCREEN FADES BACK

Cammi is holding an icepack to her elbow.

Guard: Ok, I guess you all can come.

The guards open the door and take them to yet another room. Behind some bead curtains is Roy.

Iggy: Oh my gosh, it’s a hideous blob of death!

Iggy takes out a double barrel shotgun. Then two guys barge in.

Yoshi: Hey! Yoshi want woman too!

Boshi: Cha, hand one over.

Roy: Ok, you can take the reject.

Yoshiki: Aw….

Boshi; Uh, she’s all pale dude, nasty.

Yoshiki: Shut up…

Yoshiki passes out.

Yoshi: Yea!

Boshi: Aw right, a fainted one! This is gonna be so binacious!

Yoshi: Binacious!

Iggy: Binacious?

Yoshi and Boshi drag Yoshiki off. Then the guard leaves.

Roy: So, are either of you really a man? Like Sephiroth?

Iggy: Sephiroth? Why the &()^ are we talking about Sephiroth?

Roy: Well, Sephiroth was in KOOPA TROOPA and he was the best. He could defeat anyone. The Great Seph-

Iggy: What the &*(% is this?

Cammi: (Shh! We were supposed to talk about him earlier but the writers forgot. We had a little plot gap there and we are trying to get back on track.)

Iggy: Well, anywho, you can have your fun with Cammi first.

Meanwhile...

Boshi and Yoshi run out of the room screaming.

Boshi and Yoshi: Ah! Dominant woman!

Yoshiki: Well that worked pretty well.

Then a bullet hole appears in her stomach.

Yoshiki: Oh!

Yoshiki falls over.

Meanwhile, with Roy…

Roy: Grrr!

Cammi: Hey!

Iggy: Hey! Get off my chick!

Roy: Make me!

Iggy: Well, this may shock you, but I’m really a man!

Roy: Tell me something I don’t know!

Iggy: Huh?

Roy: Don’t you remember what just happened?

Iggy: No…

Roy: … Well, anywho…

Iggy pulls out a sword.

Cammi: Hey, where did you get that?

Iggy: I don’t know. Maybe one of these days I’ll have a flashback about it.

Cammi: No, I mean you’ve never used it.

Iggy: I forgot about it and today I found it in my pocket, along with some other stuff too, like this slinky.

Iggy pulls it out and flings it at Roy, still holding on to one end. It crashes into his face in a bloody mess.

Iggy: Gee, that was fun.

Back with Yoshiki...

Yoshiki: Take this!

Yoshiki throws a brick at Boshi.

Boshi: Ah!

It hits him and he goes down with Yoshi.

Yoshiki: Time to go see Roy!

Yoshiki runs into Roy's room.

Roy: *)&_! That hurt! Aw &*()^%, not another!

All three of our heroes corner Roy by the bedpost of his bed.

Cammi: Start talking.

Roy: No!

Cammi: C’mon! Start talking!

Roy: I said no!

Cammi: C’MON! START!

Cammi starts getting frustrated and starts crying.

Iggy and Roy: Women.

Roy: Ok, I'll tell you everything even though it may kill me and you don't pose a threat. Smash has this dude named Ludwig. He is in charge of Public Safety Maintenance. Wait, that has nothing to do with anything? Why did I just say that? He's gonna kill me! Also, they are planning to destroy ERUPTION by taking out the pillar supporting Sector 3. Thank goodness I'm in sector 2! Hey? Why did I just tell you that? Shoot!

Iggy: We don't care about that! Why did you sell out to Microsoft?

Roy: I’m sorry. They had these darn trained chimps with sticks.

Iggy: That has nothing to do with anything.

Roy: Well, I sold out because... Hey, look behind you, a three-headed monkey!

Iggy: Do you really expect me to- Really?!

Iggy turns around and so does the rest of the gang. As they do Roy pulls a switch and a trap door opens beneath our heroes. Of course, because this is no stupid cartoon, no stupid suspended-in-the-air joke was used.

Iggy: Wheeeee, I'm falling to my doom!

Go read part 3.

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