One day the Koopas got a letter in the mail. Bowser read it.
Bowser: Kids, you’ve got mail! (not an advertisement for AOL)
Larry, Morton, Wendy, Iggy, Roy, Lemmy, and Ludwig come in.
Koopalings: What is it?
Bowser: Your great-aunt twice removed died and left you a will. You all get 1,000,000 coins-
Koopalings: Cool!
Bowser: - split among the seven of you! (I get whatever’s left over.)
Koopalings: Aww...
Bowser: Unfortunately, you have to spend
one week in the Haunted House. Whoever’s left at the end of the week gets
their part of the money. So, if only two are left, each gets 500,000 coins.
If you leave for any
reason, you don’t get any.
Larry: Boy, this sounds a lot like Survivor...
Bowser: Well, you have to get there by tommorow.
One day later...
Weird Old Creepy Guy: Okay, everyone. Get into the house. All of the exits will be watched, so if one of you leaves, you’re gone for good. Oh, Susan was included in the will.
Roy: What?!
Susan: Yay!
Weird Old Creepy Guy: I didn’t write the darn will. Now everyone get inside. You can do whatever you want inside it. Oh, there’s no cable TV.
Everyone: AAAAHHH!!!
Weird Old Creepy Guy: But you’ll still get the money.
Lord Seth pushes Weird Old Creepy Guy out of the way and takes over.
Lord Seth: I shall take it from here if you don’t mind. Hellloooo, Koopalings! Welcome to the Haunted House. Actually, I’m not sure if it’s haunted or not, because when I checked it for paranormal activites (that’s my job) I didn’t find anything. I only got to check half the house, though. So, you’re in it for a week. Anyone left over will get all, or at least part of the million coins! If, at any time, there is only one person left, the game ends right then and they get the million coins. Oh, pushing people out of the house is against the rules.
Roy: Darn!
Lord Seth: So, I hope you have a good (or bad) time. You’ll be the only ones in the house, except for anything else that’s there already. Well? What are you waiting for?! Get in there!
The Koopalings go in.
Lord Seth: Of course, I took the liberty of installing hidden cameras in the house. Of course, the Koopalings don’t need to know that. Heh heh heh-heh.
Wario: SHUT UP! That’s MY laugh.
Lord Seth: But we won’t intervene, no matter how spooky things get. Well, everyone, let’s activate the cameras. This should be good!
Day 1
Morton: Whoa! This sounds kind of like
Survivor, although it isn’t, and people aren’t voted off. It kind of reminds
me of that book And Then There Were None, although there weren’t any prizes
involved in that, but
there are here. Personally, I think
that I’ll be able to stay, unless there are some zombies, of course.
Voice in the Attic: Whooooo...
Susan: What was that?
Voice in the Basement: Grrooowwwwlll!!!
Lemmy: I have no idea. Well, let’s find the bedrooms!
Everyone goes upstairs. The stairs creak as they go up. There are, of course, spiderwebs everywhere. There are four bedrooms, each with two beds.
Ludwig: Well, it’s a simple mathematical equation. There are eight of us, and four bedrooms. There will be two to each.
Iggy: But who gets with who?
Susan: I’m with Larry!
Larry: WHAT?!
Susan: Oh yes, my love, I shall share my bedroom with you!
Larry: No way!
Lemmy: Look, let’s just put a bunch of pieces of paper in a hat, and number them 1-4, with two of each. People will draw them, and whoever gets the same number is with that person. Okay?
Everyone Else: Okay.
Everyone goes and draws a piece of paper out of the hat. The line-ups are this:
Room 1: Susan and Morton
Room 2: Larry and Roy
Room 3: Lemmy and Iggy
Room 4: Wendy and Ludwig
Larry: Well, at least I didn’t end up with Susan.
Roy: Darn! I wanted to be with Iggy so I could beat him up.
Lemmy: Great!
Iggy: Great!
Susan: I wanted to be with Larry!
Morton: Oh well at least I’m with someone who at least kind of appreciates all the interesting things I have to say you know? I’m glad I didn’t get Roy because he would beat me up all the time and-
Wendy: Well, I suppose my line-up is okay.
Ludwig: Just refrain from damaging my precious creations!
Wendy: You can’t make inventions, you don’t have the proper materials.
Ludwig: You would be astonished as to the inventions one could create with simply the small quantities within this household.
Thunder claps.
Morton: You know it’s getting late we’d better get to bed because we’re probably tired and it’s always spooky at night and we’ll have a whole day tomorrow and that section of the story will be longer.
Everyone goes to bed. In the middle of the knight, Morton gets a strange visitor.
Goomba Ghost: Mooooorrton! You have disturbed the resting place of us.
Morton: Well, duh! But I’ll be gone in one week, because I’ll have all the money, or at least some of it.
Goomba Ghost: You will pay for your selfishness!
Morton goes back to sleep. When he wakes up, he decides it was just a dream.
Day 2
Susan: Morton? Helloooo... Morton?
Morton is gone.
Susan: Well you don’t need to tell me that!
Everyone else is already downstairs eating the very bad breakfast Lemmy created.
Susan: Anyone see Morton?
Larry: The question is rather whether someone heard him.
Morton’s Ghost: Whooo! Leave this place, or you shall suffer the same fate as me!
Morton looks all white and stuff.
Wendy: AAAAHHH!!! I’m getting out of here, not because of this, but because I can’t stand roughing it like this.
Wendy leaves.
WENDY IS DISQUALIFIED.
Morton: Ha! I just covered myself in flour and she ran away. That was a great strategy on my part, because that’s one less person to be here, and one less person to worry about. Anyway, even if we are all here, I’ll stoill have more money than if there were eight, because when you divide a million by eight you get a smaller amount than if you divide a million by seven. Anyway, I-
Larry clonks Morton on the head.
Larry: I’m glad we got rid of Wendy, but SHUT UP!
Outside...
Lord Seth: Well, anything to say? Why’d you leave?
Wendy: Because I can’t stand life without cable and my bows and my make-up!
Lord Seth: I thought so. Oh well, you can go back to Koopa Castle. The quickest way is that way.
Lord Seth points to the dark, scary woods, similar to those in The Peach Witch Project.
Wendy: Maybe I’ll stay out here.
Lord Seth: Fine! I’ll get a car here by tomorrow and you can go back.
Back in the house...
Scary sounds are heard all over.
Larry: This sure is spooky.
Roy: Who cares? $#$# ghosts don’t exist, you know.
A growl is heard.
Iggy: Werewolves might, though. Uh oh, it’s going to be a full moon!
Larry: How the heck did you know that?
Iggy: It says right in this newspaper!
Larry: Let me see that!
Larry grabs the newspaper.
Larry: This newspaper is dated October 31, 1950!
Ludwig: So obviously no being has resided within this providence for a large quantity of time.
Roy: Speak English!
Ludwig: I am speaking English, although I am refraining from using the more common everyday words, instead conversing with more complicated ones.
Roy: Grr...
Lemmy: For The Haunted House, you think it would be a bit more haunted.
Morton: But there’s no such thing as
a haunted house except for theme/amusement parks where it’s just a fake
old thing with bad costumes of skeletons that wouldn’t scare anyone because
they don’t look anything
like the real McCoy although there
is no real McCoy in this case, because skeletons and witches don’t exist,
and witches are-
Roy: How about we tie him up and lock him in the basement for the night?
Ludwig: His low quality and quantity of conversing compels me to agree.
Roy: What’s that supposed to mean?
Larry: He talks too much so Ludwig agrees.
Morton: Uh oh I don’t want to be tied up you know I really don’t think that’s fair just because I talked a little more than the others and MMPHMH!
Morton can’t talk because he's tied up and gagged.
Roy: Okay, now let’s push him into the basement.
Everyone pushes Morton into the basement and locks him in.
Susan: Poor Morton.
Roy: Are you sympathizing with him?
Susan: No, I just said that someone took all his money.
Larry: What’s wrong with this TV?
Ludwig: Nothing is malfunctioning, except that it does not have the necessary additions to pick up additional channels.
Larry: No, I mean that there’s all this weird stuff appearing.
Iggy: What the?
On the TV, the words“Get Out Before” keep appearing, but unfortunately the screen is too small to show the rest.
Roy: I know how to fix malfunctioning TVs!
Roy kicks the TV and it breaks.
Roy: Well, that always worked on ^#@# TV!
Iggy: I appreciate the irony.
Roy: Irony this!
Roy starts mutilating, pounding, crushing, hurting, punching, beating, demolishing-
Morton: Stop imitating me you stupid narrator!
MORTON! YOU’RE LOCKED IN THE BASEMENT, REMEMBER?!
Morton: Oh, sorry.
Anyway, Roy did all of that stuff to Iggy.
Iggy: Ow. This always happens if I’m in one of Lord Seth’s stories. Every time! WHY?! And why am I your favorite if you keep doing this?
Lord Seth: You’re not. I only use my votes for you because I feel sorry for you.
Iggy: And another thing, how can I talk to you?
Lord Seth: You can’t. Right now I’m outside, waiting for the next one to come out. The one you’re seeing right now is just a figment of your imagination.
Iggy: Doh!
Homer Simpson: Stop doing that! Why does everyone mimic me?
Susan: Great. Now we don’t even have TV.
Ludwig: Perhaps I could fix the broken television set.
Roy: Sure, if you don’t blow it up in the process, Kooky.
Ludwig: The name is Ludwig! It is spelled L-U-D-W-I-G, not K-O-O-K-Y.
Roy: Whatever you say, Kooky.
Iggy: I’m hungry.
Lemmy: I’ll cook again.
Larry: NO! I got enough in that Survivor parody, I’m not doing it again!
Lemmy: I’ll cook anyway. You don’t HAVE to eat it...
Iggy: Can anyone else cook?
There is a silence.
Lemmy: Where’s the silence?
You just broke it.
Lemmy: Oops.
Susan: So let me get this straight. Lemmy’s the only one that can cook, but his cooking’s horrible, so either we starve or eat that, right?
Everyone Else but Lemmy: Right.
Larry: I think I’ll starve.
Susan: Morton’s still in the basement, isn’t he?
Roy: So?
Susan: Don’t you think he would have been able to free himself and get out by now?
Larry: You have a point...
Everyone goes to the basement and opens the door, but no one is down there.
Lemmy: I don’t see Morton... maybe he’s someplace where we can’t see him.
Roy: Who cares if we can’t see him? All that matters is whether we can hear him or not! Does anyone hear him? No, no one hears him! Therefore, he is not down here.
Ludwig: Amazing! Roy, you actually managed to, through the process of deduction, figure that out?
Roy: Um... is that a compliment?
Iggy: Okay, now, WHY are we looking for Morton? Personally, I think we’re all better off without his annoying chatter.
Lemmy: Because if something really bad happened to him, King Dad would get mad, and then ground us for the rest of our lives and beyond, and would make us give him all the money we won as further punishment.
Iggy: That’s a good reason.
Ludwig: Anyone bring a flashlight?
Lemmy: I did.
Larry: Excellent!
Iggy: Could we hurry up? This basement gives me the creeps.
Roy: Oh, what’s wrong Iggy, scared of a little darkness?
Iggy: This is a little darkness?
Suddenly a light switches on.
Ludwig: How did that occur? The only
way a light can be activated is if someone hits the light switch. The only
person who could do that is Morton, but we know he is not in the basement,
at least not in the
immediate vicinity, because we do not
hear his annoying chatter.
Iggy: Let’s just find Morton and get out!
After searching various parts of the basement, the Koopalings come back to each other.
Larry: I didn’t see Morton. Actually, what’s more important is that I didn’t hear him.
Lemmy: I didn’t either.
Iggy: Neither did I.
Meanwhile, in the exact same spot that they are...
Morton: Hello? Where is everyone? I’m looking for you! It’s kind of annoying to be shut into this basement, but I heard you come down but I can’t hear you because you aren’t talking but I am but you should be able to hear me because I’m talking fairly loudly.
Morton walks through the exact same place where Larry is.
Morton: Anyone around here, in the vicinity, close to this area?
In the EXACT same room where Morton is...
Susan: So essentially we can’t find Morton. Let’s look around ONE more time before we give up.
Morton: Helloo?
In the same room...
Larry: Did you just hear something?
Ludwig: I didn’t, and therefore there isn’t anything. How could there have been anything if I did not hear it?
Iggy: I’d say it, but it’s almost too easy.
Susan: I give up! Let’s just go upstairs. Morton’s probably just playing a trick on us, like before.
Everyone goes upstairs.
In the basement...
Morton: Whoa! The door’s open!
Morton dashes upstairs.
Lemmy: Morton! Where have YOU been?
Morton: In the basement looking for you guys, because you locked me down there, which was annoying because it was dark and spooky.
Larry: Don’t be ridiculous! We were looking for you for hours downthere.
Morton: Well, I was calling for you! Why didn’t you answer if you were also down there in the basement with me? You would definitely have heard me if you were really down there with me, but you didn’t hear me. Why?
Iggy: They must not call this "The Haunted House" for nothing!
Roy: You Waluigi!
Larry: Waluigi?
Roy: A word for "Scaredy-Cat".
Larry: Whatever.
Lemmy: What’s today?
Ludwig: Day 2.
Lemmy: No, what day of the week?
Ludwig: Saturday.
Lemmy: Oh no! I do my updates on Saturday!
Lemmy runs out.
LEMMY IS DISQUALIFIED
Outside...
Lord Seth is waiting for someone to come out. Wendy is waiting with him for her car ride home.
Lord Seth: So another loser has left.
Lemmy: I’m not a loser!
Lord Seth: My mistake. I thought you were Iggy. Why’d YOU leave?
Lord Seth, Paranormal Expert: I know
because of the hidden cameras, but THEY don’t need to know that. What?
Why’s my occupation listed after my name? This isn’t Survivor. Fortunately,
no one can hear me while
I’m talking directly to the camera,
although this one isn’t hidden. Well, no one except the cameraman and anyone’s
who’s watching.
Lemmy: Because it’s time for my Lemmy’s Land update.
Lord Seth: That’s the second stupidest reason I’ve heard.
Lemmy: It’s not stupid. Besides, it IS the second reason you’ve heard. Oh, and if the updates are stupid, maybe you would not like your work added, mmm?
Lord Seth: I take that back. Updates are important. So, now there are-
Wendy: Who are you talking to?
Lord Seth: The camera. See it over there?
Wendy and Lemmy: Yes.
Wendy, Beauty Queen: I’m on camera? I don’t have my make-up on! Turn this off!
Lord Seth pushes Wendy out of the way.
Lord Seth: If you stay out of its viewing range YOU WON’T BE SEEN!
Wendy: Okay.
Lord Seth, Paranormal Expert: There are six people left. If no one else leaves, then each will receive $166,666! Bowser will get the remainder of the money, because it doesn’t come out even. And how many times must I tell you this ISN’T Survivor?! Stop listing my occupation!
Cameraman, Cameraman: Sorry.
Lord Seth: Well, let us wait and see who will come out next.
Back in The House...
Iggy: Oh yeah! I’ll get more money.
Ludwig: We all will.
Crunch.
Larry: What the heck’s that?
Roy: Who cares? It’s probably just some monster coming to eat us all.
Iggy: And that’s something NOT to care about?
Crunch!
Morton: It’s coming closer this’ll be interesting we’ll probably all die but I think that’ll be interesting although not for us but what the heck is that think I want to see what it is even if it’s the last thing I see but-
Roy hits Morton.
Roy: SHUT UP!
CRUNCH!
Ludwig comes in.
Ludwig: What’s going on?
Suddenly, a Dry Bones zombie comes in.
Dry Bones: Groooooooaaaaaaa!!!
Several Goomba, Koopa Troopa, Buzzy Beetle, and Hammer Brother zombies come in.
Iggy: Can I make a suggestion?
Larry: What?
Iggy: RUN!
Everyone runs upstairs to their rooms and lock themselves in. They all stay just behind the doors, shuddering. Strange noises are heard outside, from buzzing chainsaw sounds to eerie creaks to loud footsteps and more!
Meanwhile, outside...
Lord Seth: (looking at the cameras) Hmm. Looks like I missed a lot of things in my inspection.
Back inside...
Larry: Why’d you run, Roy? You weren’t... SCARED, were you?
Roy: Of course not! I just, um, thought that I should help you guys fight off the zombies if they were upstairs, too.
Larry peeks out the keyhole.
Larry: They’re not outside, at least.
In another room...
Iggy: I hate being alone like this. It’s... it’s so spooky! What if something comes in? I won’t be able to defend myself. Even being with Roy would be better than being by myself.
Although everyone is too scared to sleep, it is dark, and they are tired, so they fall asleep anyway. The clanking noises and the others get louder and louder, but at the stroke of midnight they stop all at once.
Day 3
Everyone wakes up and heads downstairs slowly, because they’re worried about whether the zombies are still there. They aren’t.
Larry: It’s okay. The zombies aren’t here.
I JUST SAID THAT!!!
Larry: Sorry.
Iggy: Uh oh! I just thought of something.
Ludwig: What?
Iggy: Lemmy’s the only one who can cook, so what are we going to eat?
Susan: I’m happy as long as it isn’t his cooking!
Larry: Even if it’s five-year-old broccoli?
Susan: With a few exceptions.
Ludwig: I will attempt to create a consumption.
Roy: Say what?
Iggy: He’ll try to create food.
Ludwig tries to create some food. Unfortunately, it keeps exploding.
Morton: We shouldn’t’ve tried to have
Ludwig cook of course it explodes all his inventions explode so his food
which is something he created like the inventions also explodes, because
it was created by Ludwig
which-
Roy: SHUT UP and let Kooky try again!
Ludwig: Ludwig! Not Kooky, it’s Ludwig!!!
Roy: Sorry, Kooky.
Ludwig: Will Roy ever stop this?
Larry: At least there’s only four more days of this...
Goomba Ghost: AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH!!!
Everyone: AAAAAHHHHHH!!!
Ludwig: Don’t be silly. To get rid of ghosts you only have to scare them.
Ludwig makes a scary face.
Goomba Ghost: AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
The Goomba Ghost runs, I mean floats, away.
Susan: I can’t believe I have to take four more days of this madness!
Morton: Man I haven’t been allowed to talk for a while you know that so now I’m talking more than often to make up for that small fact but I can’t think of too many good topics for this you know so I have to wing it, play it by ear, make it up as I go along-
Roy pummels Morton into oblivion.
Morton: Now I seem to remember why I didn’t talk back then and why I shouldn’t talk now but I never learn about these things so I don’t know when to shut up I mean I know I should but I don’t which is what-
Everyone: SHUT UP!!!
Will Morton ever shut up? Will I ever stop writing these ridiculous questions?
Larry: They’ll probably stop at the same time.
Will they stop at the same time? Who will be the next to leave? Even more importantly... why am I asking YOU?