Round 3 (Sweet 16): Part 2
Crazy Packers Fan: Welcome to the second
half of Mario Madness’s Sweet Sixteen round! After receiving some fan support,
and some particularly wild voting for characters, it’s become clear to
me that there are
certain characters no one likes and
certain ones everyone likes, and maybe a couple of tough choices for match
winners. And about that fan support, it may or may not have an effect on
the matches today.
Roy: We’ve got a line of angry players who lost and are filing protests!
Crazy Packers Fan: Ignore them. I want to actually have some contests. Let’s go to match number one: #1 Roy vs #13 Mario!
Roy: What a mismatch!
Mario: You want to miss the match?
Crazy Packers Fan: Like last week, these will all be Mario 3 levels. The level this week: World 7-7!
Roy: Which one is that?
Ludwig: It happens to be the field of
Munchers! You must collect four Starmen along your journey towards
the exit pipe-
Crazy Packers Fan: Shh! This is there contest!
Ludwig: It’s “their”, not “there”!
Crazy Packers Fan: How did you- never mind you. Ready, go!
Roy and Mario jump into a pipe and find themselves looking at another warp pipe dead ahead.
Roy: I’m going to get a big lead early like this!
Roy grabs Mario and enters the pipe. Then he carries Mario to the Munchers, tosses him into the munching Piranhas, then hits a block.
Roy: Now to wipe Mario out!
But instead of a Starman popping out, a Fire Flower comes out!
Roy: Oh no! Pack’s gone crazy again and decided to make this level hard.
Back at Wario Stadium, Crazy Packers Fan, Larry, and Mr. Game & Watch are sitting at their usual table.
Crazy Packers Fan: I really rigged this course to test Roy’s patience. I knew he’d kill Mario if I didn’t.
Larry: But look at Mario! He might get killed anyway!
The screen switches to a close-up of Mario getting mauled by Munchers.
Crazy Packers Fan: You know, if I didn’t know that was Mario there, I’d actually get worried about those Munchers killing someone.
Larry: But what’s so different about Mario?
All of a sudden, Mario jumps into the air, leaping all the way back to the beginning of the field of Munchers.
Crazy Packers Fan: Mario always gets himself out of trouble. Now let’s see if Roy uses his noggin...
Roy: This is impossible! I can’t get across that field if there aren’t any Starmen! Come on, Roy, use your head!
Roy jumps and hits an invisible block. Out comes... a Starman!
Roy: YES!!!
Mario grabs the Starman and starts to race off, across the field of Munchers.
Roy: NO!!!
In desperation, Roy starts chasing Mario
while jumping continuously and hoping that the Munchers won’t
chomp off his feet.
Roy: I’ll never catch that loser if he gets another Starman!
Mario hits the next ? Block, and a Starman comes out. With absolutely no contest whatsoever, Mario grabs the next Star and keeps going.
Roy: ARRRRRGH!!! How did I let him do this to me?
Larry: You wouldn’t do this to Roy, would you?
Crazy Packers Fan: Hey, I’m not picking the winner for this one. If Mario wins this one, that’s going to be too bad.
Mr. Game & Watch: BEEP! BEEP!
Crazy Packers Fan: What’d he say?
Larry: Look! Look!
Roy has hit an invisible block by accident, and a Super Leaf has come out.
Roy: Well, this may not be as good as I wanted, but I can work with this.
Roy jumps as high as he possibly can. Of course, Roy can’t jump that high, so he doesn’t get very far.
Roy: If I could only jump onto that invisible block...
Roy tries jumping to the very right of the block, but he ends up hitting another block. Out comes a Hammer Brothers Suit.
Roy: This is ridiculous!
Crazy Packers Fan: Let’s check Mario’s progress, because watching Roy is useless.
Mario has just grabbed the third Starman and is still running fast.
Larry: You think Mario’s going to win, or choke?
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep beep.
Larry: Me too.
Crazy Packers Fan: I wish I could understand Mr. Game & Watch...
Roy is jumping up and down like mad.
As he moves from one Muncher to another, he’s hitting his head and
hurting his feet constantly, but he
can’t catch a break. Although he wants a Star, he keeps getting other things,
ranging from good (Tanooki Suit) to bad (Magic Feather).
Roy: If I could only get a Star... arrrrgh!!!
Crazy Packers Fan: I wonder if Mario’s ended this madness yet...
Mario grabs the fourth Star and appears to be home free.
Larry: Uh, CPF, you wouldn’t let Mario win, would you?
Crazy Packers Fan: I wouldn’t, but...
Mario runs into the last warp pipe.
Crazy Packers Fan: ... the fans would.
Larry: Unbelievable. Just totally outrageous. I mean, it’s just... unspeakable. Unheard of.
Roy finally catches a break by getting a Switch Block to appear.
Roy: Yes! This could help...
Roy hits the Switch Block and all the
Munchers turn to coins. Seeing a last chance, Roy uses every bit of
running speed he could ever possibly
use, and gets all the way to a tight squeeze beneath a low pipe and
coins, collecting them, but afterward
the coins suddenly turn to Munchers.
Roy: ARRRRRRGH!!! My only chance at winning!
Mario is still running towards the card.
Mario: Was-a that supposed to be-a hard?
Mario jumps toward the card, then hears someone yell, “Nope!”
Mario: Wha?
Roy comes shooting out of a pipe straight above the card and touches the card first.
Roy: I win!
Larry: How did that happen?
Crazy Packers Fan: Roy jumped up in
frustration and went through the pipe, which shot him out there. I set
up certain pipes to warp ahead, and
that was one of them. Roy wins!!!
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep BEEP!!!
Larry: I guess Mr. Game & Watch was cheering for Roy.
Crazy Packers Fan: Either that, or he was afraid of getting beat up by a sore loser.
Roy (from the screen): I heard that!
Crazy Packers Fan: Anyway, Roy wins that match, bringing us to the next one: #3 Daisy vs #7 Yoshi! Any comments, Larry?
Larry: Well, here comes the true conflict. While Yoshi’s a fan favorite, Daisy’s a Packer favorite. And since I don’t know which one of these two has the advantage physically, it’s too hard for me to guess.
Crazy Packers Fan: So you aren’t giving either an edge?
Larry: No, I’ll just watch and see what happens.
Crazy Packers Fan: All right. Now, you
two, you’re going to race through Pipe Land’s second fortress. You
know, the hard one?
Daisy: I wasn’t ever in to that NES and SNES stuff.
Yoshi: Yoshi no care. Yoshi want to win. So say go!
Crazy Packers Fan: Then go!
Daisy and Yoshi take off, jumping into the warp pipe. They come out on the first staircase of the fortress. Yoshi makes a long leap and lands on the Piranha, bouncing off it and onto the next pipe. Daisy makes a jump, but comes nowhere near landing in the pipe.
Daisy: Why do these challenges have to be so- ouch!
Daisy bounces off the lava, as you always see the Mario Party characters doing in those games. For once, this works to her advantage, as she lands on the first pipe.
Daisy: For once. I won’t get that lucky again!
Yoshi, with his great jumping ability, gets all the way to a stretch of five pipes in a row before Daisy can even jump off the first pipe.
Daisy: This is so unfair! I’m sitting down and quitting!
As Daisy sits down, she goes down the pipe, coming out one pipe ahead of Yoshi.
Yoshi: Daisy cheater!
Daisy: It’s all part of the game!
Larry: You did that on purpose, didn’t you, just like Roy’s warp thing?
Crazy Packers Fan: I’m not saying anything...
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep, beep...
Yoshi jumps, bounces off Daisy’s head, and lands on a pipe a little bit ahead of Daisy.
Daisy: I hope no one out there is thinking “that’s using her head”. Ouch...
Yoshi keeps on going through the fortress getting a bigger and bigger lead.
Daisy: I’ve had it. Maybe I’ll go down a pipe and come out further ahead again.
Daisy sits down, and suddenly she is warped to a different pipe!
Daisy: It worked again!
Unfortunately, she is back at the first pipe of the level.
Daisy: Arrrrrrgh... wait, this one takes me ahead.
This time, she cannot go down the pipe.
Daisy: What’s this note... one-time use only!
Yoshi jumps into the final pipe of the upper floor, entering the lower floor with Roto Discs and Dry Bones.
Yoshi: Yoshi love to eat Dry Bones!
Yoshi eats the boned turtle.
Larry: That’s gross!
Crazy Packers Fan: So are vegetables.
Larry: This isn’t even a race!
Crazy Packers Fan: Yeah, some suspense would be nice, wouldn’t it?
Larry: You wouldn’t. You just wouldn’t. Come on, now, you can’t pick favorites.
Crazy Packers Fan pushes a button.
Larry: Cheater!
Just as Yoshi enters the Boom Boom chamber, Boom Boom clones appear and start running and jumping at Yoshi.
Yoshi: AAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Attack of clones!
All ten of the Boom Booms, nine being clones, jump at Yoshi at once. BOOM!!!
Larry: Gruesome. Absolutely horrifying. That’s the most violent scene I’ve ever seen.
Crazy Packers Fan: It’s all part of the game.
Larry: And with that, I guess it wraps up the match.
Crazy Packers Fan: You bet! The winner is... Yoshi!
Yoshi: Yay! Yoshi win!
Larry: How did he hear you?
Crazy Packers Fan: Look! All the Boom Booms, nine of them clones, jumped into each other. Nine exploded and the tenth got knocked out. So Yoshi knew he won! He’s not stupid!
Daisy: *sigh* I hate all those Yoshi fans making me lose...
Larry: How did she know she lost?
Crazy Packers Fan: Uh, I don’t know that. But it doesn’t matter, as #7 Yoshi will move on to the Elite Eight to take on #1 Roy!
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep! Beep!
Crazy Packers Fan: On to our next match,
which no one expected: in the SMW Minions bracket, #1 Chargin’
Chuck vs #13 Porcu-Puffer! For a really
fun match, you two will be in the Desert Land Desert level, complete with
the Angry Sun and whirlwinds!
Angry Sun: I’m really angry because I got left out of the tournament!
Crazy Packers Fan: Sorry, I just realized that I left you out, Angry Sun.
Larry: Uh, Pack-Man, he can’t hear you.
Crazy Packers Fan: Quiet! And another thing, Angry-
Chargin’ Chuck: Go!
Both Chargin’ Chuck and Porcu-Puffer jump in the warp pipe and land in the desert.
Chargin’ Chuck: Time for your playing days to end!
Chargin’ Chuck pulls out a baseball
and throws it at Porcu-Puffer, who flops into the quicksand and starts
to sink.
Chargin’ Chuck: That ought to make his spirits sink! Ha ha ha!
Chargin’ Chuck charges ahead, making it all the way to a lone Koopa Troopa.
Chargin’ Chuck: What’s this guy doing in my way?
Chargin’ Chuck hops on the harmless turtle and punts the Troopa over the incoming whirlwind.
Chargin’ Chuck: Time to get going!
Chargin’ Chuck charges right into the
whirlwind, only to get blown back and tossed into the quicksand, right
beside the still-sinking Porcu-Puffer.
Porcu-Puffer: Great for you to join me.
Chargin’ Chuck: Oh, be quiet!
Porcu-Puffer struggles to get out of the quicksand, and finally does, but he promptly falls in the next quicksand pit.
Larry: This is pathetic!
Crazy Packers Fan: I know. I wish I could get them out of this, but they’ve got to show their true talent.
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep beep.
Crazy Packers Fan: What did he say?
Larry: That should take a while.
Suddenly, Chargin’ Chuck bolts out of
the quicksand, hopping over the again-sinking Porcu-Puffer, running
towards the Troopa, and jumping on
the poor turtle.
Chargin’ Chuck: This time, I’ll do it right!
Chargin’ Chuck carries the Troopa to the whirlwind, but by the time he gets there, he decided to stop.
Chargin’ Chuck: I forget what comes next... do I kick the Troopa into the whirlwind?
Chargin’ Chuck boots the Troopa into
the whirlwind, and he quickly gets swept up in the wind and carried
back a bit, this time landing right
on the Porcu-Puffer’s back.
Chargin’ Chuck: YEOW!!!
Porcu-Puffer: Come on, Chuck, you can find a better place to sit!
Chargin’ Chuck: I’ll agree with you there!
Chargin’ Chuck rolls off Porcu-Puffer’s back, into the quicksand.
Chargin’ Chuck: Hey, how come you haven’t sunk yet?
Porcu-Puffer: I keep barely swimming in the sand to keep myself afloat. Why haven’t you?
Chargin’ Chuck: Oh, same reason, that’s all.
Larry: Please end this madness.
Crazy Packers Fan: What am I supposed to do?
Larry: Hit a button so a warp pipe appears to take them to the end of the level. I’m getting so bored with this.
Crazy Packers Fan: So am I, but none of these buttons do that.
Larry: What about this button?
Larry pushes a button with the Angry
Sun’s face on it. Instantly, the Angry Sun starts chasing after the two
sinking competitors, who have no way
of escaping his fiery wrath.
Chargin’ Chuck and Porcu-Puffer: YEE-OWCH!!!
Crazy Packers Fan: Some help that was!
Larry: Then how about this one?
After Larry presses another button,
tons of Piranha Plants start to spring up from the quicksand. They all
start to bite the competitors.
Chargin’ Chuck and Porcu-Puffer: YEE-OWCH!!!
Larry: Well, at least there weren’t any Venus Fire Traps... I take that back.
Chargin’ Chuck: Stop the torture!
Porcu-Puffer: We surrender!
Crazy Packers Fan: That button-pressing got us nowhere!
Larry: Well, maybe one last button will solve the match’s problems...
After pressing yet another button, whirlwinds fly through, just as Porcu-Puffer springs out of the quicksand. Instantly, he is dropped off back at the beginning of the level. A few seconds later, Chargin’ Chuck jumps out of the quicksand, and a whirlwind takes him the whole way to the end of the level, dropping him off on the card.
Chargin’ Chuck: I’m the winner!
Crazy Packers Fan: Chargin’ Chuck wins!
Larry: Finally!
Crazy Packers Fan: So we know that Chargin’
Chuck will now join the Elite Eight, along with Rachelle,
Sandslash, Roy, and Yoshi! Who will
be our sixth member?
Larry: One of the following two, who
will participate in this match: #3 Banzai Bill vs #2 Sumo Brother! I
should point out, Sumo’s the only #2
seed remaining, which is a big surprise.
Crazy Packers Fan: Yes, it sure is, but let’s get a move on! This match shall be held at the Dark Land Fortress!
Banzai Bill: Oh-
Sumo Brother: No!
Larry: You guys aren’t twins or related or anything like that, are you?
Banzai Bill: Why would-
Sumo Brother: You think that?
Larry: This joke’s not funny anymore!
Crazy Packers Fan: Ready, go!
The two racers get into a humongous pipe and enter the Dark Land Fortress.
Larry: This looks like it could be an epic battle, with each competitor fighting back and forth, fighting tooth-and-nail, neck-and-neck, down to the wire...
At the same time Larry is saying this, Banzai Bill just coasts right through the fortress, destroying everything in his path. Sumo Brother is sitting on his back.
Banzai Bill: That Sumo Brother will never find the exit now!
Sumo Brother: Hello!
Banzai Bill: Get off me!
Sumo Brother: No!
Banzai Bill: I said, get off me!
Banzai Bill goes crashing out the back
end of the upper floor of the fortress. He leaves Sumo Brother
behind as he continues to coast onward.
Sumo Brother: Now that Banzai Bill’s gone, this race should be a cinch!
Banzai Bill: Where am I going? I wish I could turn around! Wait, maybe I can go in reverse...
All of a sudden, Banzai Bill shoots backward, right into Sumo Brother.
Banzai Bill: AAAAHHHH- why am I screaming? Sumo, you should be screaming!
Sumo Brother: Oh yeah, I forgot. AAAAHHHH!!!
Sumo Brother opens a door and enters it. He finds himself very near the Switch Block which opens up Boom Boom’s door.
Sumo Brother: Good thing that Banzai Bill can’t open doors!
BOOM!!! Banzai Bill goes crashing downstairs, which is where Sumo Brother is and also where Boom Boom is. He enters Boom Boom’s room and simply blows the fortress’s guardian away.
Crazy Packers Fan: Banzai Bill wins!
Banzai Bill: Is that a win? I guess it is!
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep beep beep beep, beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep beep!
Crazy Packers Fan: What was that?!
Larry: The F-Zero X end-of-race music.
Crazy Packers Fan: Time for the Super Mario Brothers Three bracket matches! First up, we have...
Larry: #1 Tony vs #5 Boom Boom!
Crazy Packers Fan: Your match will be a race through Ice Land’s Third Fortress!
Boom Boom: What, am I to beat up a Boom Boom?
Crazy Packers Fan: What’s wrong with that?
Boom Boom: I am a Boom Boom!
Crazy Packers Fan: All right, I give in.
Boom Boom: So we can go somewhere else?
Crazy Packers Fan: No, I give in to letting you race against #1 Tony in this match!
Boom Boom: What? Oh, forget it.
Crazy Packers Fan: That’s right. Now go!
The two racers jump in the pipe and get going.
Tony: Hey, Boom Boom!
Boom Boom: What is it?
Tony: Want a hammer?
Boom Boom: Sure!
Larry: Boy, is he dumb.
Crazy Packers Fan: Yeah, I didn’t think he’d be that stupid to actually say yes to wanting a hammer.
Tony: Here you go, buddy.
Tony hands Boom Boom the hammer gently.
Tony: Now make sure you don’t get hurt, you hear me?
Larry: This can’t be happening.
Crazy Packers Fan: This is one of the
most shocking moments I’ve ever seen. In that case, Tony’s supposed
to throw the hammer at Boom-Boom, not
hand it to him! What is this, a G-rated movie?
Larry: Even G movies have some violence...
Tony and Boom Boom take out lots of enemies with their hammers. Tony keeps handing Boom-Boom hammers to use.
Tony: All right, I’ve got something important to tell you, Boom Boom.
Boom Boom: What’s that?
Tony: I didn’t kill your father.
Boom Boom: You are my father!
Tony: No, no, no. I’m not your father either.
Boom Boom: Then who are you?
Tony: Oh, just some Sledge Brother!
Boom Boom: Oh, that’s all!
Larry: This is really scaring me.
Crazy Packers Fan: I know, I’ve never seen this before.
Tony: Now just because I’m paying you
to throw this match doesn’t mean you can’t try, Boom Boom. At least
make it look like you’re trying.
Crazy Packers Fan and Larry: So that’s their evil plan!
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep?
Crazy Packers Fan: No wonder he’s being so kind. They should both be bounced from the tournament!
Larry: But who’s going to be the winner?
Crazy Packers Fan: I guess if they’re both cheating, and there are no rules against this kind of cheating in Mario Madness, then I’ll just let them go and see what happens. I have something, or someone, they aren’t expecting...
The two competitors walk side-by-side into the first door, entering a room with three Boos.
Boom Boom: Enough of Mr. Nice Boom Boom!
Tony: Huh?
Boom Boom: I was planning to let you win for a large sum of money, but it’s nothing compared to the one million coin prize! I’m winning this match!
Tony: What?
Boom Boom enters the door first, followed by Tony. They race down the hall towards... Bowser!
Boom Boom: What are you doing here?
Bowser: In case you two decided to cheat,
Pack-Fan wanted me to be here and give you a big beating. But
since you aren’t, the winner has to
beat me!
Boom Boom starts swinging his fists at Bowser. Tony watches and waits, then tosses one hammer towards Bowser.
Bowser: No! Not that! I quit!
Bowser dodges the hammer.
Bowser: That Sledge guy wins!
Crazy Packers Fan: It looks like Tony wins!
Larry: Which leaves us with only one match to play here in the third round, the Sweet Sixteen, which is...
Crazy Packers Fan: #3 Fiery vs #7 Thwomp!
Fiery: All right!
Thwomp: Oor!
Crazy Packers Fan: This match will be the hardest level ever... Grass Land, Level 1!
Fiery: What?!
Thwomp: Oor?!
Crazy Packers Fan: Go!
The two enter the warp pipe and land in World 1-1. Fiery runs ahead of Thwomp, fireballing everything in sight.
Thwomp: Oor! Oor! Oor!
Fiery: What’s he “Oor”-ing about?
Thwomp crushes the ground to make an
underground pathway. Slowly but surely, he catches up to Fiery. Since Thwomp
can move over gaps, he passes over the pits with no problem. Fiery can
feel the ground
shaking underneath him, but he has
no idea what it is.
Fiery: This is scaring me... some kind of earthquake...
Fiery now stands directly underneath the card.
Fiery: One jump away from a win!
WHOOSH!!!
Thwomp: OOR!!!
Thwomp comes up from the ground, crushing all the way into the card!
Crazy Packers Fan: Fiery wins!
Larry: Huh?
Crazy Packers Fan: Look and see! Thwomp
came up underneath Fiery, pushing Fiery into the card. Thwomp
thought he had a victory, but instead,
he comes up with an embarrassing loss.
Larry: Oh. I see.
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep!
Fiery: Yes! Victory is mine!
Crazy Packers Fan: Now we know who’s in the championship games, for every bracket:
Mario/Koopas
#1 Roy vs #7 Yoshi
SMW Minions
#1 Chargin’ Chuck vs #3 Banzai Bill
SMB3 Minions
#1 Tony vs #3 Fiery
Super Koopas
#5 Rachelle vs #10 Sandslash
For those of you who keep score, here are the final vote totals:
Roy 5-0
Yoshi 5-0
Chargin’ Chuck 3-2
Banzai Bill 4-1
Tony 3-2
Fiery 3-2
I’m also leaving the option open for
next week’s matches, that you may vote again for winners. For the final
time, you’ll be able to vote for the winners of three of the four games,
just not the Super Koopas one. Those
votes will determine who gets to the
Final Four!
Larry: I can’t wait for next week.
Crazy Packers Fan: Next week is the Super Koopas championship, followed by the other championships in two weeks. Until then, this is so long for Larry, Mr. Game & Watch, and I, hoping to see you again the next two weeks for the Elite Eight!