Round 4 (Elite 8): Part 1
Crazy Packers Fan: Welcome back here
to Mario Madness, here at Wario Stadium! We’re here for Round 4,
otherwise known as the Elite Eight!
We’re having the Super Koopas championship game this week, and here
with me are Roy and Larry. Roy, tell
us the storyline for this match.
Roy: After Sandslash seemed to have pulled off the upset of the century by knocking off an invincible, unbeatable opponent, he finds himself up against Rachelle, who barely eked out a victory in her close race against Misty Koopa. So it’s #5 Rachelle vs #10 Sandslash for the Super Koopas title! Larry?
Larry: What am I supposed to say?
Roy: Who’s going to win, moron!
Larry: Which moron?
Roy: That’s what I’m asking you!
Larry: Tell me.
Roy: No, you- come on, loser!
Larry: Oh, oh, who’s going to win.
Roy: Right. And who’s going to lose, too.
Larry: We all know who’s going to win. It doesn’t take Ludwig’s brain to figure it out.
Roy: Who?
Larry: Ludwig, you tell him.
Ludwig: Although I may be hated, despised, abhorred, and loathed by the host of this thing...
Crazy Packers Fan: I don’t hate you, okay? But what does that have to do with anything?
Ludwig: Nothing! Now, let’s continue
on. The most unlikely winner to this tournament would be a low seed, but
it appears to the unaided eye that one would assume that a higher seed
stands a better chance of
becoming the victor of such a highly
esteemed-
Crazy Packers Fan: Who are you, Morton?
Morton: You want my advice? Do you, do you, do you? Do you want to hear what I have to say? Huh? Huh? Well, since you didn’t let me be in your tournament, championship, bracket, series, thing, I will not, won’t, I’ll not, help you out at all!
Crazy Packers Fan: How did we get to Morton from Larry?
Lemmy: Psst!
Lemmy whispers something to Crazy Packers Fan.
Crazy Packers Fan: Not that!
Lemmy whispers again.
Crazy Packers Fan: All right, all right. Attention, everyone! If we don’t get back to business, Lemmy will have to downgrade this to just a Scribble. Now, Larry, who’s going to win?
Larry: Sandslash! You want him to win yourself! Ha! Gotcha there!
Crazy Packers Fan: *sigh* Why do I always tell Larry those secrets...
Larry: Wait, you don’t want Sandslash to win as much as you want Rachelle to lose! Exact words! Ha ha!
Crazy Packers Fan: Pay no attention to the Koopaling named after one of the Three Stooges.
Roy: Come on, anyone with any sense knows that Rachelle will win! It has to be destiny that she is the only one to defeat a #1 seed in this tournament! She’s come a long way, and she won’t be denied! I made an earlier 100-coin wager with Larry, with my pick being Rachelle.
Rachelle: Thanks for the support, Roy!
Roy: Why am I supporting her? Can I change my vote?
Crazy Packers Fan: Let’s get it on before something bad happens to this tournament. Our contest will be-
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep, beep, beep! Beep beep! BEEP BEEP!
Crazy Packers Fan: What’s he saying?
Ludwig: Let the brains of the family interpret!
Crazy Packers Fan: Go ahead.
Ludwig: Mister Game and Watch, the flat, black-colored character originally from the Game and Watch systems, has dictated to us a message that must be heeded at all costs.
Crazy Packers Fan: Maybe I do hate Ludwig...
Ludwig: His message is: Go, go, go! Go go! GO GO!
Roy: WHAT?! He said: Get it on, you morons. Right now!
Larry: No, he didn’t. He said-
Crazy Packers Fan: THAT’S ENOUGH!!! Good luck to all the participants, especially you.
Rachelle: Me?
Crazy Packers Fan: No, not you.
Rachelle: Favoritism already!
Crazy Packers Fan: I mean good luck to Roy.
Roy: Why me?
Crazy Packers Fan: You’re going to be the target!
Roy: Target?
Crazy Packers Fan: You’re going to sit
on this chair here. The other two are to bring back as many enemies
as possible in twenty minutes. Each
of them will then throw the enemies at you, hoping to knock you over. Of
course, you can fight off the enemies
if you wish. Whoever knocks you over first wins!
Sandslash: How is order decided?
Crazy Packers Fan: I flip a coin, and then you each take turns throwing enemies. Do you understand?
Everyone Else: NO!!!
Crazy Packers Fan: As I thought. Ready, set, go!
Rachelle jumps in a pipe marked “To Pipe Land”. Sandslash jumps in a pipe marked “To Yoshi’s Island”.
Roy: This should be funny!
Larry: Why’s that?
Roy: Oh, I- kind of, sort of- mixed up all the signs on the pipes.
Crazy Packers Fan, Roy, and Larry all
look up at the duel big screens and see Rachelle freezing in Ice Land
and Sandslash all washed up in Water
Land.
Roy: This is actually entertaining!
Rachelle: As I thought, the signs would
be wrong. I didn’t know there were Flurries in Ice Land, though. I
thought those were only in Sub-con.
Hundreds of Flurries skate at Rachelle.
Rachelle: Another thing. How am I supposed to bring all these enemies back? One at a time? That makes this contest practically pointless. But nevertheless...
Rachelle picks up a Flurry, jumps back in the pipe, and arrives back at Wario Stadium.
Roy: Come on, that’s all you could get? Boo!
Rachelle: Want me to lose and blow your bet with Larry?
Roy: Good job! Keep on getting them!
Larry: Are there any rules prohibiting Roy from cheating?
Crazy Packers Fan: No.
Larry: Isn’t that a surprise!
All of a sudden, Sandslash appears,
holding a fishing rod with five Big Berthas and Lil Cheep Cheep stuck
on the hook.
Lil Cheep Cheep: Hey, next time use live bait!
Fortunately for himself, Lil Cheep Cheep gets off the hook and is able to get away, but the other fish stay on the hook.
Sandslash: Ready to get killed, Roy?
Crazy Packers Fan: Hey, hey, no death threats allowed! We’re on a family program!
Sandslash: Ready to get bumped by cute fish, Roy?
Crazy Packers Fan: Better.
Sandslash follows Rachelle into a pipe marked “To Sky Land”,
Rachelle: I really don’t want to go to Sky Land, so I’m entering this pipe. Hey, why are you following me?
Sandslash: Oh, no reason.
Rachelle and Sandslash arrive in Sky Land.
Roy: Oops, I guess I did miss one pipe.
Rachelle: This hasn’t been fun this round, which leads me to believe that this is the end of the run for me.
Sandslash: I haven’t had more fun in my life! Well, maybe I have, but still...
Sandslash grabs a Chain Chomp, places
a Buster Beetle in its mouth, and warps back to Wario Stadium.
Rachelle tries to grab a Nipper, but...
Rachelle: Ouch! I’m going somewhere else.
Rachelle warps back to Wario Stadium,
then hurries into the first pipe she sees, one marked “To the
Valley of Bowser”. In the meantime,
Sandslash places his newly-caught enemies and gets going into another
pipe, one marked “To Grass Land”.
Rachelle: This match has a curse on it. I know it!
Rachelle appears in the Forest of Illusions. She quickly grabs a Wiggler and returns to Wario Stadium.
Rachelle: How much time is left?
Crazy Packers Fan: Three minutes!
Rachelle: Yikes!
Rachelle hops into a pipe marked “To Desert Land”. She appears in Pipe Land.
Rachelle: What’s that big- AAAAHHHH!!!
A gigantic Piranha Plant wraps Rachelle up in its vine. As for Sandslash...
Sandslash: I knew I’d end up in Desert Land! I’m so glad, too. But what enemy can I grab?
A Pile-Driver Micro-Goomba jumps right into Sandslash’s arms.
Sandslash: Perfect!
Sandslash warps back to Wario Stadium, places his enemy with the rest of his pile, and then hears an alarm go off.
Crazy Packers Fan: Time’s up! Where’s Rachelle?
Larry: Look!
On the Wario Stadium screen, Rachelle
is seen trying to escape from the Lava Piranha, with which she is
tangled up.
Rachelle: Get off me!
Crazy Packers Fan: Larry, hit that orange button on that machine by the side of your chair!
Larry hits the button, and the Lava Piranha disappears. Rachelle hurries to the warp pipe and runs over to her pile of enemies.
Crazy Packers Fan: That’s all the time we have. Now I’ll flip a coin. Call it, Sandslash!
Sandslash: Tails!
Crazy Packers Fan: Of course, it landed on heads. Rachelle, you can throw your first enemy.
Rachelle picks up her Flurry and gets ready to throw it at Roy.
Larry: Hey, Crazy Pack!
Crazy Packers Fan: What now?
Larry: I’m slipping out of my chaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiirrrrrrr!!!
Crazy Packers Fan: What a moron.
Larry touches the orange button again
as he falls out of his chair, and all of Rachelle’s and Sandslash’s
enemies disappear.
Roy: Look what you did, you little jerk!
Larry: What?
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep beep...
Crazy Packers Fan: I have an alternate
challenge ready in case something like this would happen. You two have
been fixtures at Lemmy’s Land over the years, but maybe not that adjusted
to Lemmy’s other land: Ice
Land. There’s a hockey rink over here,
with the coldest ice we could find, imported from Ice Land. Both of you
must stand on the ice. The first to fall, loses. That means sitting down,
leaving the ice, or having any other part of your body hit the ice besides
your feet. You may walk around the ice, or jump, if you wish. If you touch
your opponent, you are disqualified. I don’t know how I’d figure who would
win or lose if you touched, but just don’t touch each other, okay? Ready?
Rachelle: Let me get to the ice first before you start!
Rachelle and Sandslash stand on the ice.
Crazy Packers Fan: GO!!!
Rachelle: Why did he have to scream it? Oh well, this could be easier than he thinks. Hey, aren’t ground-type Pokémon weak against ice?
Sandslash: Yes, but I don’t feel like being weak against it today.
Rachelle: Does that matter?
Sandslash: No, but you don’t see me falling to pieces!
One hour later...
Rachelle: Is this ice cold?
Sandslash: I think you can’t feel your feet anymore.
Rachelle: What about you?
Sandslash: I’ve never been able to feel my feet! Oh, wait, maybe I have... I just forget how they feel.
Rachelle: Oh brother.
One hour later...
Rachelle: I’d start jumping, but since I can’t feel my legs, I don’t know how to.
Sandslash: I’d try making fun of you, but I’m too cold to think.
One hour later...
Rachelle: Is this Survivor or something?
Sandslash: It’s close enough.
Crazy Packers Fan: Survivor... I used to like that show. Now I hate the show but still like the concept. I’m starting to feel nostalgic, as it was one year ago that I started telling everyone my version of Survivor...
Roy: And it was one year ago I started to hate you for not letting me win!
Larry: And it was one year ago I made it to the Final Four, even though I did nothing but hate Susan.
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep beep...
Roy: Oh, be quiet! You weren’t even here one year ago!
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep beep.
Roy: I forgive you.
One hour later...
Rachelle: Is it me, or is it cold?
Sandslash: It’s just you.
Rachelle: That wasn’t funny.
Sandslash: I’ve given up on trying to make fun of you.
Rachelle: You did two hours ago!
Sandslash: True...
One hour later...
Rachelle: Stop the suspense already! Fall, Sandslash!
Sandslash: I’ll fall you!
Rachelle: How?
Sandslash: I don’t know how, but I will!
Rachelle: You’re so stupid, it’s funny, but I’m too cold to laugh!
One hour later...
Crazy Packers Fan: All right, that’s it, I’ve had it. We’re making this quick and painless. Here’s one trivia question, and I’ll flip a coin to see who answers it first. What’s the call, Sandslash?
Sandslash: Tails!
Crazy Packers Fan: It lands on heads, of course. So Rachelle, this is your question. If you get the correct answer, you win. Who is the most powerful character in the original Super Mario Bros.?
Rachelle: Uh, that’s a tough one. My
two best guesses would be Mario or Bowser. Mario could beat Bowser,
but... uh, I’ll choose Bowser.
Crazy Packers Fan: That’s incorrect!
Rachelle: There goes the tournament!
Crazy Packers Fan: Sandslash?
Sandslash: Mario?
Crazy Packers Fan: Wrong! Rachelle?
Rachelle: Oh, a minion, he means. Then I’d have to say Fire Bar, because he can’t be beaten.
Crazy Packers Fan: Wrong again! Sandslash?
Sandslash: I don’t know! Uh, I’ll just say Princess Toadstool.
Crazy Packers Fan: That’s right!
Rachelle: WHAT?!
Crazy Packers Fan: Princess Toadstool
is the only one with the power to release her people from Bowser’s
magic spell, making her power stronger
than his. She may be physically weaker than Bowser, but Bowser’s
also weaker than Mario, but Mario doesn’t
have any magic, which brings it back to Princess Toadstool. So
Peach actually is very powerful, although
many people don’t know it. Sandslash is the Super Koopas
champion!!!
Sandslash: YES!!! At last I have revenge!
Crazy Packers Fan: With that, Sandslash is in the Final Four! He will take on the SMB3 Minions champion for the right to go to the championship match!
Rachelle: Do I get anything for my performance?
Crazy Packers Fan: Actually, everyone does. Here’s how the coin table works:
Round 1 loser: 1 coin
Round 2 loser: 10 coins
Round 3 loser: 100 coins
Round 4 loser: 1000 coins
Round 5 loser: 10,000 coins
Round 6 loser: 100,000 coins
Round 6 winner: 1,000,000 coins
So you get 1,000 coins! Roy and Larry have been paying the other players secretly, while the competition isn’t going on. They’ll pay you, too!
Sandslash: But for once, I beat all these other stupid morons who call themselves Super Koopas. No one can beat the mighty Sandslash!
Crazy Packers Fan: Well, no Super Koopa could, and you went from a #10 seed to a champion of your bracket! Congratulations!
Sandslash: I’d like to thank my four opponents for... how can I put it nicely... CHOKING so I could win easily!
Rachelle: How nice.
Crazy Packers Fan: Well, that wraps it up for this week. Hold on a second!
Roy: Oh, I was making a joke about that bet, Larry!
Larry: Pay up!
Mr. Game & Watch: Beep beep!
Roy: Fine, I will. This is all your fault, Larry! If you wouldn’t have hit that button, I could have faked a fall from an enemy thrown at me by Rachelle. Then Rachelle would have won, and I would have the 100 coins! Ha ha!
Crazy Packers Fan: Next week, we’ll have the other three championship games, which I still am taking votes for until Tuesday. If you really want someone to lose or win, you’d better vote, because the races are always close! Anyway, for Roy, Larry, Mr. Game & Watch, and the rest of the competitors here at Mario Madness, this is Crazy Packers Fan, saying so long for now, inviting you to join us for next week-
Roy: Oh, shut up already!