The Five Castles
An Epic Tale of Magic and Deceit

By Crispy

Summer 48th, 1717

Setting: Studio 7A at Lemmy's Land Studios in Ice Land

Narrator: Previously, on The Five Castles: An Epic Tale of Magic and Deceit, Mario was kidnapped, so his brother Luigi set out with four companions- Toad, Wart, Lakitu, and Bill Clinton- on a quest to save his sibling. They traversed the deadly meadows of Grass Land and beat back the beastly Boom Boom. Will they rescue Mario from the evil Five Magi? Will they liberate the world of Plit from their dangerous presence? Will our ratings get any better?! Find out this week on... The Five Castles: An Epic Tale of Magic and Deceit.

Crispy: Cut, and print! Great! At this rate, we'll have all 100 episodes done in no time!

Lakitu: Are you serious?

Crispy: Not really. I'm as hopeless about this Fun Fiction as you guys are.

Luigi: But how did you manage to convince Lemmy to put us back on the air?

Crispy: Well, to tell you the truth, it wasn't my idea...

Flashback to Summer 47th, 1717- yesterday

Lemmy (over intercom): Crispy! Report to the executive suite, on the double!

Crispy (exasperated after running up 28 flights of stairs): What's up, boss?

Lemmy: Fetch me another ball. This one popped.

Lemmy holds up a deflated beach ball.

Crispy: Oh, okay.

Lemmy: By the way, I need to talk with you about that Super Luigi Bros. thing or whatever it was.

Crispy: Don't worry- I scrapped it. I'm working on a fourth Survivor downstairs as we speak.

Lemmy: You're off Survivor 4- I can't have you screwing that up, too. I need you to head that other project again- what was it, "The Five Castles"?

Crispy: Yeah, but I thought you canceled it.

Lemmy: I thought I did, too, until I found out that King Dad loved the idea. When I told him I was going to cancel the bloody thing, he threatened to ground me in the dungeon until I was 20. I decided that, despite the ratings, it was worthy enough to remain on contract for ten more episodes, at which point YOU would decide to end the story.

Crispy: But...

Lemmy: NO BUTS! You either do this, otherwise I'm not putting up ANY of your work, you can forget about being a Super Koopa, and King Dad will be on YOUR tail about this whole business!

Crispy: Well, in that case, I'd be honored to do this Fun Fiction!

Lemmy: One more thing: I won't accept any more of those dang pictures. They're a pain to deal with, and I can't have this little appeasement for King Dad hogging more precious space than is absolutely VITAL.

Crispy: Will do.

Lemmy: Remember- you're on contract for ten more episodes. If you break that contract, kiss any chance of promotion here goodbye. Now get to work! The first one's due tomorrow morning at two.

Fade back to Studio 7A.

Wart: So here we are, stuck doing this stupid story for the next nine weeks. I wonder if we can make the show really stink so Lemmy HAS to fire us.

Crispy: Not really, because I still need the job, and look who's in our live studio audience today.

Cut to studio audience.

Bowser (wearing a Super Luigi Bros. t-shirt and baseball cap): Woohoo! I've never been to a taping before! This is going to be great, right, Wendy? Just you and me, father and daughter, enjoying the show! Isn't this wonderful?!

Wendy: Yeah. Sure. Wonderful. Whatever. Hey, I need to go to the bathroom- I'll be right back.

Bowser: Okay, see you soon, sweetie. WOOHOO!!!

Cut back to staff members.

Crispy: See what I mean?

Lakitu: Gotcha.

Clinton: Wow! A talking turtle! I've never seen one of those before! Isn't that cool?!

Lakitu: I'm a talking turtle.

Clinton: No, you're not! You're a cloud!

Lakitu: No, I'm a turtle.

Clinton: Well, that depends on what your definition of "turtle" is. If you define "turtle" as "cloud", then you are correct.

Lakitu: ...

Wart: Ahem... Let's get on with this, shall we? I have better things to do with my life- like reconquer Sub-con.

Luigi: ...

Wart: Well, maybe not. Those Shy Guys have some new weapon they got from the Real World- they call it "The Bomb". Maybe those Real Worlders figured out how to build even bigger Bob-ombs now?

Crispy: ...

Wart: What?! Does everything I say sound ridiculous?

Crispy: Truthfully, yes. Okay, everyone, places!

Bowser: Woo boy, I hope Wendy gets back soon! HERE WE GO!

Crispy: 3... 2... 1... Action!

Narrator: We join our heroes, stranded in the desert, after they have triumphed over the tyrannical Boom Boom of Grass Land. Little do they know what's in store for them in... the Koopahari Desert!!!

Luigi: Yeah we do. It's in the script.

Narrator: No, you're not supposed to.

Toad: Hey, I get a line! But we already know.

Narrator: I mean you, the characters, not you yourselves!

Luigi: We are ourselves.

Narrator: No, you're not!

Wart: Yeah, we are.

Narrator: (groans) Fine... just... fine. Whatever. Our heroes will have to face the perilous quicksand, puzzling pyramids, and the scorching sun! Will they survive this treacherous desert and retrieve the mystic crystal? Or will they perish at the hands of this sultry wasteland?

Wart: I'd bet money we'll survive. We have a contract for at least two more episodes.

Narrator: Urrgg... I'm done. Crispy, where's my money?

Crispy: You don't get paid unless you finish Episode 3, too.

Narrator: What?! You're kidding me!

Crispy: No, it's in your contract.

Narrator: That does it! I'm suing! See you in court, bub!

The narrator stomps out in murderous fury.

Crispy: Bub? I haven't heard that one for a while. Anyway, I need another narrator. Who wants the job?

Wart: I'll take it.

Crispy: No, you're an actor. You can't act and narrate at the same time. It's unethical.

Toad: Why don't you do it, then?

Crispy: Because I do enough work on this Fun Fiction as it is. I have to write all the freakish lines and hope they come out funny without pictures, while you guys just have to say stuff and look stupid, which comes naturally to most of you.

Clinton: Hey!

Crispy: Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you...

Clinton: What? I meant those doughnuts over there. Are they for us?

Crispy: No, those are for me.

Clinton: Aww...

Crispy: I still need a narrator... Is anyone here not doing anything important? ... Hey, you! Get down here!

Bowser: Who, me?

Crispy: Yeah, how would you like to be our new narrator?

Bowser: Why, that'd be GREAT!!!

Crispy: (covering his ears from the noise) Ahh! Okay... just come down here and sit on this stool and talk into the microphone on your cue.

Bowser leaps into the narrator's chair.

Lakitu: I've never seen him so giddy before.

Crispy: Places, everyone! Action!

Bowser: We join our heroes as they travel the barren wastes of the Koopahari.

Lakitu: Well, according to the map-

Bowser: Will they survive the test of this desolate wilderness?

Lakitu: ... Ahem. Well, according to the map-

Bowser: What dangers await these brave adventurers?!

Lakitu: (glaring at Bowser) As I was saying, according to the map-


Lakitu: Okay, I've had enough! CUT!

Crispy: What's wrong?

Lakitu: Every time I start to say anything-

Bowser: What will Lakitu say?

Lakitu: ... See what I mean?

Crispy: Truthfully, Lakitu, if you look at the script, you're the one who's missing his cue. As you can see, Bowser is supposed to finish off with "What will Lakitu say?", but if you'd rather me change the script real quick...

The clock on the wall strikes 1:30 AM.

Wart: Look, we've only got a little time left before we have to get this to Lemmy. Let's just ditch the script and just pretend we know what we're doing, much like what we're already doing.

Crispy: *sigh* Fine. I'll just roll the camera, and you guys improv. Your objective is to get to the castle and defeat the guardian. You have until 2:00- that's half an hour. Places!

Toad: Yay! Until now I had only a few lines this episode! It's like Crispy forgot about-

Crispy: Toad, I forgot. Lemmy also told me to nix you from the show. After the episode begins, fall off a cliff somewhere.

Toad: %&*$ @*($) !_~*@!!!

Crispy: No obscenities, either. We got a Y-7 by the ratings board. Okay, everyone! Action!

Lakitu: Well, according to the map-

Bowser: What will Lakitu say?

Lakitu: ...

Luigi: (whispering) Uh, Lakitu, it's your line...

Lakitu: Forget this! I hate this job!

Wart: I'm with you! I hate it that we are stuck on this contract for another nine weeks! I, former king of the Sub-conians, hereby declare war on Lemmy's Land!

Lakitu: Me too!

Crispy slaps his forehead.

Luigi: But what about my show?

Lakitu: Forget it. We're going to conquer Lemmy's Land and force Lemmy to let us out of the contract!

Luigi: But... my big chance...

Toad: Hey! Does that mean I can be in the story again?!

All: No.

Toad: Aww...

Toad jumps off the "prop" cliff and lands in a "prop" Piranha Plant.

All: (Lucille Ball, Queen of Comedy, style) Eww...

Musical flourish, commercial break.

Announcer: Are you plagued by Piranha Plants overgrown in your yard or pipe network? Fear not! Introducing... Piran-away!

Toad climbs out of a pipe, battered and scraped.

Toad: (weakly) Heeelllpp meee...

A Piranha Plant grabs Toad's leg and pulls him back into the pipe.

Announcer: Uh... we'll be right back after a word with our lawyers...

Musical flourish.

Bowser: Welcome back to The Five Castles: An Epic Tale of Magic and Deceit! Tonight, in a stunning turn of events, Wart and Lakitu have declared war on Lemmy's Land, Inc.! What will become of this shocking incident?! Stay tuned...

Cut to Wart, Lakitu, Bill Clinton, and Luigi traveling through the Props Department, filled with such hazardous materials as instant quicksand, endless pipes, and fake ? Blocks. Following behind are Crispy, carrying a camcorder, and Bowser, with a bullhorn.

Wart: So, how are we going to get up to Lemmy's suite? I hear it's guarded by twenty Sledge Brothers!

Luigi: I heard it was booby-trapped with exploding beach balls!

Lakitu: I was told it had a hundred Superspikes strategically hidden throughout the entrance chamber!

Crispy: Actually, it's right there.

Crispy points to a big, red door placed overtly in the center of the hallway.

Clinton: Who's Lemmy?

Everyone Else: ...

Lakitu: Anyway, we're going to need to get some of these props so we can battle him.

Wart: Maybe some of these pipe cannons...

A Cobrat unexpectedly pops out of a tank of instant quicksand.

Cobrat: Hiya!

Clinton: Who are you?

Cobrat: I'm a Cobrat. I pop out of sand and jars unexpectedly and shoot deadly projectiles.

Clinton: No kidding!

Lakitu: So... are you attacking us?

Cobrat: Not really, because Lemmy canceled a Fun Fiction that was supposed to star me and Mouser in a trip around Sub-con; he said it was "too expensive" and "too stupid". He took me out of acting and stuck me here in props, and I've resented it ever afterwards.

Wart: You got any good stuff for us?

Cobrat: Maybe I do, maybe I don't. What's it to ya?

Lakitu: We need to see the goods, first.

Cobrat: Okay, here's a nifty little thing called a door. You walk through it to enter and exit rooms. As a one-time special offer, I'll let you exit this room for no charge at all!

Luigi: Fine. Here's 50 coins.

Cobrat: For that, I'll sell you two "broken" Bullet Bill cannons.

Lakitu: The quote marks representing what sarcastic statement?

Cobrat: I told Lemmy they were broken so I could have more weapons to sell.

Clinton: You're a regular Iranian arms dealer!

Cobrat: Actually, Sub-conian. Now, do you accept the deal? Or do I have to offer my special deal on drop kicks?

Wart: You? Drop kick? Ha! I'd like to see you try!

Cobrat: Oh, I don't have to. *whistle*

Enter Chargin' Chuck.

Chargin' Chuck: Yeah, boss?

Cobrat: Five drop kicks, to go.

Luigi: No, no, no, no, no! Wait! We'll take the deal!

Cobrat: Oh! Goody! They're over there on that table. Want anything else?

Lakitu: No, I think we're out of coins.

Cobrat: Oh, well. Since you bought something, though, I'll offer you the door again; that is, of course, unless you WANT a drop kick...

Clinton: What's that?

Chargin' Chuck: It's this!

Chargin' Chuck drop kicks Clinton out of the room.

Clinton: Wow! That was fun! Can we do it again?!

Cobrat: (aside) Wow! I can profit off of a guy like this! (aloud) Sure, for ten coins a pop.

Clinton: Aw, I'm out of coins.

Cobrat: Well, too bad!

Wart: After that crazy scenario, I don't know what else to expect.

Luigi: Hey, Crispy, you're writing this! What's up with all of this goofballing around?

Crispy: Goofballing?

Luigi: You wrote it.

Crispy: Well, I... uh... this hurts my head, so I'll fire you if you ask me about this again. Get a move on, now.

Exeunt, except for Cobrat and Chargin' Chuck.

Cobrat: If I want to keep my paycheck, I'd better call Lemmy and tell him these fools are on the way. Chuck, get me my phone.

Chargin' Chuck: My name's not Chuck. It's Fred.

Cobrat: Whatever, Chuck. Get me my phone!

Scene cuts to the party outside of Lemmy's suite.

Wart: Okay, on three, me and Bowser charge at the door and bust it down.

Bowser: But I'm the narrator. I can't take part in the story!

Wart: Fine, then. On three, I charge at the door and bust it down. Then you, Lakitu, take one of those cannons and start firing warning shots. Bill, you and Luigi take the middle path. Crispy, you write this so we win.

Crispy: Sure thing.

Wart: Bill, give me a three-count.

Clinton: (exceedingly loud) ONE!!!

Wart: No, no, no! Keep it quiet! If he hears you, he'll know we're coming! Quietly.

Clinton: Okay.

Wart: I'm waiting...


Wart: Come on...


Wart: Say it, fool!

Clinton: It, fool.

Wart: Agh!!!

Luigi: Hey, Wart?

Wart: Shut up! I'm waiting for Clinton to say his lines!

Clinton: His lines.

Wart: NO! Count from one to three, but quietly.

Clinton: Okay.

Wart: Well?!

Crispy: Wart, I think he's counting, only very quietly. I'm having to use the smallest font I have. Here's what he's saying, magnified a thousand times: "One, two, three."

Wart: Goomba-head! Stop being so literal!

Luigi: Wart...

Wart: WHAT?!

Luigi: The door's already open.

Wart: ...

The party enters the room, only to find that it's pitch-black inside.

Clinton: What's this red thing do?

Lakitu: No, Bill! It might be booby-trapped!

Crispy: Too late.

After hitting the block, the room's lights turn on.

Lakitu: Oh! It was the light switch.

With the lights on, Lemmy wakes up from his slumber on his bed on the side of the room.

Lemmy: What?! Who?! Lights! Bright!

Bowser: Son, these nice people have something to say to you...

Lemmy: King Dad?! Huh?! I'm blinded! It's too bright in here!

Lakitu: (aside) Oh boy! My chance to take the spotlight! (aloud, in melodramatic voice) LEMMY! WE'VE COME TO OVERTHROW YOU!!!

Lemmy: Really? That's not very nice of you...


Lemmy: That was only because King Dad liked it! I'm surprised he hasn't done anything to stop you yet!

Bowser: What? You guys came up here to cancel the show?! I thought we were just going to play Tiddlywinks! This is awful! It's the worst thing in my life! I think I might... cry! WAAAAHHH!!!

Lemmy: Now you've done it.

Wart: Nevertheless, we're still conquering Lemmy's Land and keeping it for ourselves.

Lemmy: Who's with you?

Wart: Huh?

Lemmy: I can barely make out shapes right now. Who's in your party?

Luigi: What is this? An RPG?

Lemmy: That's Wart, Lakitu, and Luigi...

Lakitu: Why do you care?

Lemmy: I just want to know who I'm not going to fire after the impending battle is over. Clinton, are you still there?

Clinton: (muffled) Hrumph?

Zoom out, showing Clinton stuffing his face with Koopa Kreme doughnuts.

Lemmy: I'll take that as a yes. Crispy, did you get rid of Toad like I wanted?

Crispy: Yeah, I think he ended up in a Piran-away commercial.

Lemmy: Oh, yeah, that was funny. I saw that before I went to bed. Too bad he's suing us, along with that old narrator you had.

Crispy: Yeah, that's too bad...

Lemmy: Anyway, before we get started, just so you all know, that Cobrat is actually one of my most loyal employees, with training from Larry in espionage. Those cannons he sold you really are broken, he called me to warn me of you guys, and I offered Crispy a bonus and a promotion for him to write me as the winner of this bout. So why don't you all just give up and go do your twenty episodes?

Luigi: Sounds good to me...

Lakitu: Twenty?! It was ten a few minutes ago!

Lemmy: Yeah, it was, but since you didn't get this to me by 2:00 AM today, you violated your contract and are forced to do ten more episodes or pay me a million coins for each incomplete segment.

Wart: This is blackmail!

Lemmy: No it isn't. It's extortion. Anyway, if you do decide to battle me, you'll end up with a total of fifty episodes when you lose. Your choice!

Bowser: Will Lemmy Koopa defeat his disgruntled employees and force them back to work? Or will the masses overtake the greedy capitalists and establish themselves as the true ruling class? Stay tuned...

Luigi: But I want to work!

Wart: No you don't.

Crispy: CUT!

Stagehands come out and put away the props, speak with the cast, etc. Zoom out to show Lemmy and Crispy standing in the executive suite, watching the episode on the screen.

Lemmy: "Capitalist"? "Ruling class"? Someone's been reading a little too much Marx.

Crispy: Not really. I had to read the Manifesto for history one year, and my teacher was a socialist. The terminology stuck in my head.

Lemmy: Hmm. Anyway, the ratings were a little better this time, even if King Dad banned any other Fun Fiction for access in Dark Land.

Crispy: Well well! We may be onto something here.

Lemmy: Don't count on it. You got little to no improvement in the Mushroomian, Sub-conian, Dinosaurian, or Hyrulian markets.

Crispy: Sorry...

Lemmy: You still have to finish the battle sequence, so you've got at least one more of the series left. I want it next Saturday. You've got a week. Get cracking!

Crispy: Yessir!

Crispy bounds out of the room.

Lemmy: At least that's what you think, as does King Dad! HAHAHAHAHA!!!

Read on!

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