Minion Melee

By Crazy Packers Fan

Episode 3

Crazy Packers Fan: Welcome back to Minion Melee! We have record crowds here for today's matches, as you can tell from looking at the stadium.

Five Goombas sit in the top row of the stadium, while the rest of the stadium is completely empty.

Crazy Packers Fan: Stupid Cameraman, give us the shot of the cardboard cutout of a stadium I gave you!

Stupid Cameraman: Oh, right!

Crazy Packers Fan: Anyway, our matches today are:

SMW vs. PM
SMB2 vs. LM

I thank the ten of you who voted for voting and making this at least partially exciting. Larry has the winner
of the challenge suggestions on a piece of paper over there.

Larry: It's... it's.... I can't pronounce it!

Roy: How can you not pronounce a name?

Larry: Can you even read?

Roy: I- well, I- okay, you win.

Crazy Packers Fan: Let me see that... this week's winner is Ingvar Steinnes!

Roy and Larry: Who?!

Crazy Packers Fan: Yes, that's the name of the winner. This will be a ghost house competition. In this house
there are lots of different Boos as well as a normal exit. The first team across the exit wins. However, if you find the secret exit, you win a tiebreaker point, which may be useful later on.

Larry: That sounds easy enough.

Crazy Packers Fan: Maybe so, but you'll see eventually. Also, I am interpreting a rule about voting a little differently, due to a team finishing with a tie for the most favorite votes and the most least favorite votes. For this vote and for all others, I will subtract the least favorite votes from the favorite votes, in order to make it more fair for a team that is both loved and hated the most. However, it is better to have three favorite votes and two least favorite votes than just one favorite vote and no least favorite votes. Understand?

Roy: No, but just get the thing going!

Crazy Packers Fan: First we have SMB3 vs. SMRPG!

Angry Sun: This is not the team I want to be up against.

Smithy: You guys have no chance against our might and power!

Crazy Packers Fan: Go!

Both teams race into the ghost house. Instantly each team gets attacked by Big Boos.

Stretch: You guys don't hurt me!

Fire Chomp: Who cares about you? We'll get scared to death!

Yaridovich: What day is this competition taking place on?

Croco: In Earth days, it's October the 31st.

Yaridovich: That just makes things even better... say, how can you kill ghosts?

Rob-omb: Maybe exploding will help!


Mack: That sure helped. Now the walls are about to collapse on us.

Boom Boom: You ghosts can't hurt me! I'm the one who rules these fortress-like things!

Big Boo: That means nothing to me! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Boom Boom: Stop! No! Ack!

After about an hour of stupidity, which gives everyone the privilege of seeing and hearing nine losers get
scared and hit by ghosts, Stretch has found the way out of the ghost house, as well as a key.

Stretch: This key obviously goes to a keyhole, which should lead us all out of here. However, I need my
team with me in order to win, so I have to somehow get them past these Boos. Maybe some grab blocks will

Stretch tosses some grab blocks at the Big Boos nearby the mass of players. Some of them disappear.
Unfortunately, the ones who are disappearing are the players, not the ghosts.

Stretch: That's not good... maybe some hammers will work.

Boom Boom: YEOW!!! What was that?!

Stretch: Maybe not.

Angry Sun: Come over here and help us, Stretch! Fire Chomp and Rocky Wrench have already disappeared
mysteriously, and Boom Boom almost got knocked out by a hammer!

Stretch: Coming!

Rob-omb: What's that in your mouth?

Stretch: A key.

Rob-omb: I'll hold onto it while you coax this ghost into leaving us alone.

Stretch: Okay. Hey, pal, why not just stop the fighting and let us continue with the challenge?

Big Boo: Sure!

Big Boo lets the SMRPG players escape, and Rob-omb is still holding onto the key.

Angry Sun: Boy, are you smart!

Stretch: Thank you!

The SMRPG players find a keyhole, and Rob-omb turns the key.


The keyhole caused the ceiling to fall down on top of the players, not a secret exit to open up.

Yaridovich: Who... opened... that... keyhole?

Croco: It... doesn't... matter.

In despair, Angry Sun attacks the Big Boo attacking him with all of his heat, which lets him go. He then gets Boom Boom off the ground by burning him lightly, and tells Stretch to run ahead. Both Rocky Wrench and
Fire Chomp appear again, as they had been attacked by a ghost that made them invisible. All five run like crazy toward the place where Stretch saw the exit, but now a wall is in their way.

Rocky Wrench: What can we do now?

Fire Chomp: Who knows?

Boom Boom punches the wall, opening up a staircase. Climbing the staircase, the SMB3 squad crosses the
secret exit, winning the match.

Crazy Packers Fan: SMB3 wins the match, and a tiebreaker point!

Roy: That was some match, I have to say.

Larry: Very strange... but that's how they've all gone.

Crazy Packers Fan: Our next match is SMW vs. PM! Who do you think will win this one, Roy?

Roy: Definitely Paper Mario. Who can stop that team of bosses?

Larry: Super Mario World's squad can. Chargin' Chuck and Sumo Brother will not let the SNES faithful down, and they'll take this one in a landslide.

Crazy Packers Fan: All right, the ghost house's second entrance has been opened up, and there is a new normal exit as well as a new secret exit. Are you ready? Then go!

The two teams head towards the house in a hurry. Open entering, they find no one home.

Chargin' Chuck: I guess they want to make this easy on us.

Sumo Brother: Don't be so sure.

Porcu-Puffer: That looks like the exit dead ahead!

Mega Mole: The key word is "dead".

Banzai Bill: If we go there, we'll hit an invisible wall and lose!

Paper Mario, meanwhile, is looking all over for a secret exit.

Tubba Blubba: We need that tiebreaker point!

Tutankoopa: Where could it be?

Crystal King: What's this button?

Crystal King hits the button, bringing an entire load of Goombas down on the hapless players.

Huff N. Puff: "Hapless" is a pretty mean word to describe us.

General Guy: Get going! Don't be intimidated by a bunch of mushroom mulch! Move, move, move!

Paper Mario's players fool around until they finally run into the Super Mario World players, who are just
standing there, staring at the exit they think is a mirage.

Tubba Blubba: Are these statues?

Tutankoopa: They look real.

Huff N. Puff: Wait, this one's breathing!

Crystal King: The football player? Who needs him?

General Guy: Don't waste your time beating up on him! Let's move!

Tutankoopa: To where?

General Guy: About face!

Tubba Blubba: I can't even see your face!

General Guy: Forward harch!

Crystal King: March or harch?

The Paper Mario players start walking right into the exit, as General Guy leads them, shouting the whole

Chargin' Chuck: That IS the exit!

Banzai Bill: RUN!!!

Mega Mole: Too late!

Crazy Packers Fan: Paper Mario wins the challenge!

Sumo Brother: That stinks!

Huff N. Puff: Woohoo! We finally won!

Roy: How about that, Larry?

Larry: It doesn't matter! My pick of the day, Super Mario Bros. 2, will surely win this time!

Roy: Forget about it! Luigi's Mansion's ghosts are used to ghost houses. They'll have no trouble moving on to 2-1.

Crazy Packers Fan: Upcoming is our last match, SMB2 vs. LM, which Roy and Larry have already analyzed
without me first telling who's in it. But, before we go to that, it's time for another commercial.


Mario is in a kitchen with Luigi.

Mario: Here's the-a recipe for a perfect-a GameCube game!

Luigi: First-a, throw in better-a graphics!

Mario: Then-a, take out some of-a the fun.

Luigi: Next, throw-a in new items which are-a old items with new-a names and looks!

Mario: Then-a, just-a change the music a bit, and-a what do you got?

Mario Bros.: Mario Party 4!!!

Luigi: Rated E for Effortless.


Crazy Packers Fan: Welcome back to Minion Melee! We're finally ready for our third and final round between
Super Mario Bros. 2 and Luigi's Mansion! The players are ready, so let's go!

The players take off for the house, finding an even stranger setup, as the entire house is a maze. Both
teams go separate ways, trying to figure out where they are going.

Panser: Since I'm the leader here, I say we go left at this next intersection!

Porcupo: Since Panser has no common sense, I say we go right.

The team splits up, with Mouser going with Panser and Triclyde going with Porcupo, while Clawgrip sits in
the middle of the intersection. Both mini-groups find themselves in dead ends, so they both head back to

Clawgrip: I figured that would happen.

Meanwhile, the Luigi's Mansion ghosts are not doing much better.

Mr. Luggs: Is this a wall up ahead?

Madame Clairvoya: Upon further inspection, I believe it is.

Chauncey: Let's go!!!

Shivers: Where? Home?

Neville: No, we must go to the exit.

Madame Clairvoya: Of course we must! But where is the exit? That is the question.

Mr. Luggs: Here is the answer... up this vine!

The ghosts float up the vine (they can't really climb), and they find a goalpost straight ahead of them.

Shivers: What are we waiting for?

Neville: That's not the goalpost we're looking for.

The goalpost is yellow, which means it is a football goalpost, not an exit.

Mr. Luggs: Then where do we go?

Shivers: Home?

Chauncey: No! I want to win!!!

Madame Clairvoya: What happens if we go back down the vine?

Neville: We might lose, but that's okay.

The Luigi's Mansion players, with absolutely no brains whatsoever, find themselves in another dead end in no time at all. It's okay, though, because they have company.

Panser: Wonderful! Now we have ghosts breathing up our necks!

Porcupo: Do ghosts breathe?

Mouser: I don't care.

Triclyde: Don't sssstart that again.

Clawgrip: I give up!

Clawgrip smacks his claw against a wall, knocking it over. Right outside the wall is the goalpost to the
normal exit.

Panser: Get there first!

Both teams hurry to the goalpost. It is a photo finish!

Shivers: I never liked drama.

Crazy Packers Fan: The winner is...

The fans all hold their breaths, all five of them.

Crazy Packers Fan: Luigi's Mansion!

Panser: NOOOOOOO!!!

Chauncey: YAY!!!

Crazy Packers Fan: That brings our competition for today to a close, with the new standings:

Super Mario Bros. 3, 3-0, 2 TP
Super Mario RPG, 2-1, 1 TP
Luigi's Mansion, 2-1, 0 TP
Paper Mario, 1-2, 0 TP
Super Mario Bros. 2, 1-2, 0 TP
Super Mario World, 0-3, 0 TP

Super Mario Bros. 3 is very close to wrapping up a spot in the playoffs! Remember that the top three teams go to the playoffs, with the top team getting a first-round bye to the final. Let's look at the next episode's schedule:

SMB3 vs. PM
SMW vs. LM

Next episode's contest will have to do with Luigi's Mansion! Come up with the best idea, and you'll have
the honor of having your name in this story! Until next time, in two weeks, so long!

Read on!

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