Minion Melee

By Crazy Packers Fan

Episode 4

Crazy Packers Fan: Sorry to keep you waiting so long for this fourth episode, all two of you. This next challenge is based on Luigi's Mansion, and it is completely simple. Just catch three gold mice, and your team wins. If you catch four before the other team catches three, you get a tiebreaker point. Place them in a green pipe to win. It can't get any easier than that.

Roy: Who thought of that idea?

Crazy Packers Fan: A tourist named Smithy Junior.

Larry: Hurry up! The fans out there aren't the only ones sick of this game.

Crazy Packers Fan: The first matchup is between SMB3 and Paper Mario. The mansion is located on the other side of that warp pipe, so please enter it for this contest to begin.

After 15 minutes of coaxing the players to enter the pipe...

Rocky Wrench: How are we supposed to catch those gold mice without a vacuum?

Boom Boom: Maybe we aren't.

Angry Sun: This is to be expected... once a show goes downhill, they start using gimmicks like this to try to save the sinking ship.

Stretch: But in this case, the already-sinking ship has hit an iceberg and has snapped in two.

Fire Chomp: Hold on! I have some insight for everyone!

Angry Sun: What's that?

Fire Chomp: If we get the stupid game over with, no one will be annoyed, and maybe even the show will be

Stretch: We were hoping for that last week, but apparently there is still barely enough revenue coming in to keep it afloat... for now.

Fire Chomp: Now... what are we supposed to do to win?

Boom Boom: Catch mice!

Fire Chomp: I'm not a cat!

Rocky Wrench: Then we lose, because no one else is either.

Meanwhile, with Paper Mario's group...

Tutankoopa: It was a great idea to elect Tubba Blubba as our mouse catcher.

Crystal King: I didn't know someone could be so into pouncing on mice.

Tubba Blubba: That's four!

Huff N. Puff: Great! What do we do now?

General Guy: Put them in a green pipe.

Tubba Blubba: Here's one! We win!

Tutankoopa: No, we don't. Are you colorblind or something?

Tubba Blubba: This is a green pipe, isn't it?

Tutankoopa: It is, but how about those mice? They're gray! Those are mini-Mousers!

Tubba Blubba: Mini-Mousers?


Tubba Blubba: They must have mini-bombs with them, too.

However, no progress is being made with the Super Mario Bros. 3 characters.

Fire Chomp: I've come to the conclusion that none of us are cats.

Stretch: Great! How does that help us?

Fire Chomp: It doesn't.

Stretch: Even better!

Angry Sun: This dumb contest is going to tire me out. I'm sick of thinking.

Rocky Wrench: There are tons of these gold mice circling our feet. Can't one of you just take the time to pick one up?

Boom Boom: Fine, I will. Here's one.

Rocky Wrench: That's an orange mouse!

Boom Boom: No, it's more of the saffron color.

Rocky Wrench: It's certainly not gold!

Boom-Boom: It's close enough. Yellow, gold, they're all the same.

Angry Sun: Not really.

Boom Boom: What is this, a coloring contest? Look, everyone, I caught one! I caught one!

Stretch: Yippee!

Back to the Paper Mario debacle...

Tubba Blubba: Here's two gold mice. Let's just get one more and get this contest over with.

General Guy: We need four mice! We need to get one of those tiebreaker points in order to have any chance of advancing to the playoffs!

Huff N. Puff: Any time a team goes for the tiebreaker point, they lose!

Tutankoopa: I agree with you, 100 percent.

Crystal King: Let me tell you why I disagree with you.

A few hours later...

Rocky Wrench: We lose!

Boom Boom: Yes!

Stretch: Wait a minute... I think we accidentally won.

Angry Sun: How?

Stretch: Fire Chomp stupidly caught us four mice.

Angry Sun: That loser!

Crazy Packers Fan: Super Mario Bros. 3 wins, and also takes a tiebreaker point! They will be in the playoffs
no matter what! As for Paper Mario... *cough*

Roy: It's not looking good.

Crazy Packers Fan: Next up is Super Mario Bros. 2 against Super Mario RPG. Go!

Panser: Already?

Crazy Packers Fan: All of the sponsors pulled their ads.

Panser: Oh.

Inside the mansion...

Triclyde: I can't sssstand thosssse micccce!

Clawgrip: Just catch them and get this over with!

Mouser: I don't feel like it.

Porcupo: Again?!

Panser: Yes, again.

Mouser: The real reason for it is because I don't want to hurt my fellow species.

Porcupo: No excuse.

Clawgrip: For once, let's make it look like we're trying!

Panser: Yes, we're trying really, really hard!

Trying hard doesn't actually do much for this pack of imbeciles.

Clawgrip: What are we looking for again?

Meanwhile, almost everyone's favorite game's characters are looking for mice, but only almost everyone's favorite character has found one.

Smithy: I don't like mice!

Yaridovich: You're a robot. Or at least you look like one. Or at least Crazy Packers Fan thinks you are one. YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MICE! YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FEELINGS ABOUT THEM!!!

Rob-omb: That's wonderful to know.

Croco: Is this supposed to be that big Porcupo/Rob-omb matchup?

Mack: It is, but it sure doesn't feel like it.

Rob-omb: Come on, guys, win it just for me!

This statement causes all of Rob-omb's teammates to quit working and purposely leave the mansion and
Rob-omb behind.

Rob-omb: Thanks.

In the meantime, about 100 gold mice come rushing to Mouser, as they smell some sort of cheese on him.

Mouser: I'm actually doing something for my team!

Panser: Mark your calendars!

Mouser puts three of the gold mice into the green pipe. Why not four, no one knows, but it's Mouser. He couldn't actually put a full-hearted effort into this game.

Porcupo: Sort of like the author.

Crazy Packers Fan: Super Mario Bros. 2 wins! Time for our final matchup: Super Mario World vs. Luigi's
Mansion! Let's go!

Inside the mansion...

Chargin' Chuck: We haven't won yet.

Porcu-Puffer: Obviously. The contest hasn't started yet.

Chargin' Chuck: No, what I meant is that we haven't won one single contest, and if we lose this match, it's all over for us, totally. Didn't you understand what I meant, Mega Mole?

Mega Mole: No.

Chargin' Chuck: What about you, Banzai Bill?

Banzai Bill: Don't talk to me.

Chargin' Chuck: What about-

Sumo Brother: SHUT UP!!! Find those mice or else!

Such an order given by Sumo Brother gives quite a great response. All of the players purposely do not try to chase mice, instead purposely trying to fool around and do nothing. Meanwhile, as for the Luigi's Mansion players...

Chauncey: I hate this place!

Mr. Luggs: So do I. I never want to see a portrait again in my life.

Shivers: I never liked those mice, either. Any time a mouse was around, a vacuum was lurking nearby, also.

Madame Clairvoya: We can be fine if we only stay calm and watch out for any flashlights or vacuums.

A light switch is bumped by a mouse.

All Five Ghosts: AAAHHH!!!

Neville: Don't worry, it's only a stupid light switch.

Shivers: Only one stupid light switch can get us in a portrait again!

Mr. Luggs: What's this mouse here for?

Shivers: Pick it up!

Mr. Luggs: I can't. I'm a ghost.

Shivers: Just pick it up anyway!

Mr. Luggs picks up the golden mouse and places it in a green pipe.

Madame Clairvoya: Only two more!

Neville: Only two more? Why didn't you tell me we needed mice? I have two right here!

Chauncey: Get them in that pipe and let's get out of here!

Neville places the two golden mice in the green pipe.

Crazy Packers Fan: Luigi's Mansion wins!

A vacuum is heard in the distance.

All Five Ghosts: HELP!!! GET US OUT OF HERE!!!

Crazy Packers Fan: That's all for this episode, and I'll see you all in two weeks for the final episode of the regular season of Minion Melee! Here are our standings:

y-Super Mario Bros. 3, 4-0, 3 TP
Luigi's Mansion, 3-1, 0 TP
Super Mario RPG, 2-2, 1 TP
Super Mario Bros. 2, 2-2, 0 TP
Paper Mario, 1-3, 0 TP
Super Mario World, 0-4, 0 TP
y-has a spot in the final match

We have only one more week to go, and here are the final matchups:

SMB3 vs. LM
SMB2 vs. SMW

Super Mario RPG automatically has a spot in the first-round playoff game if they win, as does Luigi's
Mansion. Super Mario Bros. 2 has a more complicated way of making it into the playoffs, and Paper Mario
needs a miracle. Everything will be clear after the final episode, one based on the Mario Party series. Until next time, goodbye!

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