Lemmy: Welcome to my AWESOME RACE. Twelve teams of two are about to begin a race around Lemmy's Land for a prize of one million gold coins. However, teams have no idea where in Lemmy's Land they must go next. They will need to use clues found in sealed envelopes to figure out how to reach the next blue route marker baring my perfect, enviable face. The RACE will be divided into thirteen legs, each with a pitstop at the end. Nine of the legs will result in elimination; the team to arrive at those pitstops last will be eliminated from the RACE. The team that wins the final leg will receive the one million coin prize. So now, let's meet the teams! First we have Team Scheme, brothers Ludwig and Larry.
Larry: Those other teams had better watch out. They have no idea who they're dealing with!
Ludwig: With my genius and my sibling's quick wit, we're sure to emerge victorious.
Lemmy: Next we have Team Mean, brothers Bowser and Wart.
Bowser: When this race is over I will command respect from those pesky plumbers and those ungrateful kids of mine. Even more respect, that is.
Wart: This is the first time Bowser and I have worked together. If this goes well, maybe I can get on his good side. And then...
Lemmy: Third, Team Queen, the mother and daughter team, Wendy and Clawdia.
Wendy: My brothers think I have no chance, but I'll show them! We're the only all-female team, and we're taking it all the way.
Clawdia: I may not be as well-traveled as some of the others in the race, but I'm very practical and can keep a cool head. I'm looking forward to the chance to bond with my daughter.
Lemmy: Now another set of brothers, Team Steam, Roy and Iggy.
Roy: I can't believe I got stuck with Paperweight here. Doesn't matter, I'm so good that I don't need a partner. I'll just drag him around.
Iggy: I wasn't too sure about this race at first, but I'm kind of excited about it now. Plus, I think I have a special skill that nobody knows about...
Lemmy: Coming out of literary retirement, it's Team Dream, Playful and Bagels, house pets.
Playful: I have no idea why I'm running this race. I hate running! And if I want a million coins, I'll just get my slaves to give it to me. But, I have heard Lemmy's Land is an interesting place...
Bagels: I really wanted to race with Master Bowser, but Playful said he'd scratch my eyes out if I wouldn't be his partner, and then I wouldn't be able to see Master. I'll do my best, but I won't do anything to hurt my Bowser!
Lemmy: We're only up to team six already?! Oh... ahem, next up, you know 'em as the Mario Brothers, going by the name of Team Mario, it's Mario and Luigi.
Mario: It's-a me, Mario! Woohoo! I got it!
Luigi: Something tells me this is another example of when I get as small an appearance as possible. I mean, Mario isn't even trying to mask who's the star of this team.
Lemmy: Oh, this will be a fun team. Father and daughter, it's Team What, The King and Daisy.
The King: What?
Daisy: I wanted to name the team, but noo! My father just had to write his name on the sign up form first, so he got to name it. I'll probably be remembered for this stupid name until I die, and afterwards as well.
Lemmy: These teams just keep getting weirder. With a relationship of princess and slave, it's Team Cream, Peach and Toad.
Peach: Isn't peaches and cream the perfect food? And I'm the perfect team! Uh, I mean we're, that is. Of course.
Toad: Peach underestimates my abilities... maybe because I like to shout "OK!!!" in an annoying voice. But by the time this race is done, she'll respect me as an equal... in my dreams, at least.
Lemmy: Love is in the air with Team Cute, Yoshi and Birdo, the obligatory dating couple.
Yoshi: Yoshi hope run race, find out if really love Birdo. Also hope find out Birdo real name. Is not Birdo name of species?
Birdo: Ah, me and Yoshi, alone at last. I really don't care how the race goes, I just want to spend time with my husband-to-be. He's perfect! Although, I wish he could get it straight that Birdo really is my name.
Lemmy: We just had to let them in, didn't we? Expect lots of cheating, folks, because next up is Team Cheat, Wario and Waluigi, partners in crime and maybe brothers... I dunno, does anyone know if they're really related?
Wario: Heh heh heh-heh! Wario's a-gonna win! Rules don't matter to this team, so we'll skip straight to the finish!
Waluigi: I'm afraid of Lemmy's Land! I'm especially afraid we'll go to the Mysteries and have to act out a death scene, only it will end up being real and I'll be the victim. I don't want to go, you can't make me!
Lemmy: I don't know why they're separated from the rest of the Koopas, but here's Team Talk, Morton and Susan, cousins and... well, you'll decide if there's anything more.
Morton: I really wanted to race with Iggy or Ludwig or even Roy I mean he's not so bad but instead I got stuck with Susan who I definitely don't like no not at all well ok maybe a little but only because she listens to me and nothing more that's it no more well maybe no I don't like her I think.
Susan: Larry is my favorite of course, but he teamed up with Ludwig before I could even ask him out- I mean, to be my partner. So I guess I'll just have to go with Morton, even though he annoys me with his lovely speeches.
Lemmy: I don't know what the deal is with this last team, but I try not to ask too many questions. Our last contestants, Team Bean, Kolorado and Bowyer, two random guys who just met today!
Kolorado: I say, old bean, this is sure to be good fun! I don't care about winning so much as finding new places to look for treasure! I trust my partner Bowyer will be a good sport.
Bowyer: Nyah, win I will, a thousand thousand coins will I receive, so the more arrows I will shoot, nyah! Look weird Kolorado does, faster than he looks I hope he is.
Lemmy: Alright teams, I believe you've all had ample time to meet, so-
Kolorado: Excuse me, old sport, but I can't understand a thing my partner is saying.
Bowyer: Idiot you are, nyah!
Lemmy: I guess you'll figure it out on the way. Now-
Wendy: Oh no! I broke a nail! This is no job for one as beautiful as I.
Lemmy: Well, you did volunteer...
Wendy: I DON'T CARE!!! I want the money now!
Lemmy: Um, yeah. Listen, teams, when I fire my wand-
Waluigi: Please don't shoot me!
Lemmy: Uh... I was gonna fire it straight up into the air.
Lemmy: Um... behind me?
Waluigi: It might come back and hit me!
Lemmy: If that happens, I'll give you an hour's time credit. How's that?
Waluigi: I'd rather you didn't fire the wand.
Lemmy: Too bad. When I fire my wand, you're all going to race over to those blue envelopes and-
The King: Now when you say race, you mean?
Lemmy: Uh... hurry, go very fast, move your feet quickly, run, skidaddle, varoom, floor it, turn on the gas... is any of this getting through to you?
The King: What?
Lemmy: Yeah, you'll ask your partner.
Daisy: I can't get through to him either!
Lemmy: Then you should have picked a better partner!
Daisy: But he picked me!
Lemmy: I am not getting paid enough for this. ... Oh, wait, I am. Now, when you reach the envelopes, rip them open and-
Peach: I hate ripping paper! It's so... ugh.
Lemmy: ARGH! You'll rip them open and-
Playful: That's it, I'm starting.
Lemmy: No, that's cheating!
Playful: Cheating? Cheating?! I make the rules.
Bagels: I'm not leaving until Master Bowser does.
Bowser: Hey! Not in front of everyone, you stupid dog!
Bagels: Oh... Master Bowser loves me so.
Playful: Fine fine, but only because I know I'll win easily anyway.
Lemmy: Good, so you'll rip them open, and you'll find a clue to your next destination.
Roy: If you don't tell me how to get there, I'll pound your face in!
Lemmy: I'm sorry, that would be a three hour time penalty since my face would no longer match the lovely picture on all the route markers. Now, you'll need to figure out yourself how to get to the next blue route marker featuring my incredible face, where you'll find another clue. You'll also find some coins with your first clue, which will need to cover all expenses except airplane tickets. If you save-
Larry: Or steal...
Lemmy: Or save some coins, you can use them in future legs... if you're not eliminated, of course. So... are there any questions?
Mario: I'm-a Mario!
Lemmy: I said questions.
Morton: Will there be wedding cake because I love wedding cake and I want to eat some and injest some and otherwise consume some because it tastes so delicious and scrumptious and tasty that I may not be able to last, go on without some, at least a piece, or a bite even, a taste.
Lemmy: Um... I'll see what I can do.
Birdo: Can we use the money to go have a romantic dinner with our significant other?
Lemmy: Uh, sure, I guess... but I wouldn't advise it.
Birdo: I didn't ask your advice!
Lemmy: ... Sheesh! Alright, so are there any other questions? ... No? FINALLY!!! ... Oh, ahem! Ok, so Lemmy's Land is waiting for you, blahblahblah. On your mark, get set, GO!
Ludwig: I have you quoted as announcing you would fire your wand when we were to commense racing.
Lemmy: That doesn't seem to have stopped Team Cheat...
Wario: Heh heh heh-heh!
Waluigi: I'm glad he didn't fire his wand...
Luigi: Let's-a go!
The King: Zzz...
Wendy: They're getting away!
Playful: Oh no they don't!
Wart: Ribbit, let's go!
Susan: Move it, Morton!
Larry: No one outsneaks me!
Bowyer: Catch up we will, nyah!
Lemmy: And they're off!
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