The Good, the Bad, and the Torte

By Chef Torte

Little Lemmy's Land Qualifier

Prologue: Facing the Evil Within...

Lightning flashed, thunder roared, and Chef Torte was frantically preparing his ultimate dish. Though the storm outside was severe, the Mushroom Kingdom Cook-Off continued. Chef Torte, Tayce T, and Chef Spore were the contestents. The first three rounds had already commenced. Round one was crafting a fine meal, which Chef Spore had won. Round two was who could come up with the best dish using limited ingredients; Tayce T had won. The third round was who could make the best dessert. Chef Torte won the contest with the utmost of ease. Now the tie breaking round was occurring. Chefs were instructed to make the most delicious dish, and Chef Torte knew he would win if he didn’t add too much yeast to his cake. After all, the judges, Yoshi, Gourmet Guy, and a weird pink alien that didn’t speak, gobbled up his fruit pie in round three.

Tayce T was using her best culinary skills to create her masterpiece, Bigga Blurp a la Yuum. She had a Great White Blurp for her main dish and was currently seasoning it before cooking. She noticed that the judges were eyeing Torte’s cake. Tayce T knew she had to do something if she wanted to win. She set the Blurp to cook, and started scheming.

Chef Spore was boiling his veggie soup. He noticed that he was in trouble. The other two cooks would definitely win with him making just a side dish.

“Okay! Our chefs have only five minutes left!” Crazykoopa, the host, said.

“Mon dieu! Vat to do? Vat to do!” Chef Torte panicked.“Maybe I should add more yeast? NO! Zat vill make za cake move! Oh! I know! I’ll go get za icing!”

Seeing Chef Torte go into the kitchen, Tayce T went over to his work station and packed his cake chock full of yeast. Sensing Torte would return soon, Tayce T returned to finish her Blurp.

Chef Torte iced the cake and it looked beautiful. Soon Crazykoopa blew the whistle and now the judges would decide who was to be named Mushroom Kingdom’s Finest! First up was Chef Spore. Out of the three judges, the pink alien enjoyed it the most, but the others definitely liked it too. Torte got nervous. Tayce T’s Blurp was next, delighting all three judges. Then Chef Torte brought in his cake, which the judges drooled at. Right as Gourmet Guy went for a piece, the cake... moved. It bopped Gourmet Guy in the face.


“VAT?!” Chef Torte panicked.

“Tayce T wins! Tayce T, you are the Mushroom Kingdom’s Finest Chef!”  Gourmet Guy announced. “And Chef Spore, you are the Alternate Mushroom Kingdom’s Finest! As for you, Chef Torte, you can go back to cooking school!”

Everyone began laughing and pointing and mocking Chef Torte. “Do not mock my accent! How utteirly rude!” They persisted until Torte spazzed out and ran out of the studio yelling his shell off.

When he ran out of breath, Chef Torte was far away from the studio, the town, from anywhere remotely familiar. He breathed deeply, and looked angered. He clenched his fists and jumped to the ground, punching with his fists. He roared in hatred. He continued until he was tired. He looked at the darkness in front of him, behind him, all around him. All was quiet now except for Chef Torte’s breathing, until finally that stopped, as the darkness closed in...

Chapter 1: Family Reunion

Larry Koopa stood in front of Bowser’s fourth newly constructed castle, an aquatic fortress hidden in the vastness of the Shitake Sea, still shaped like Bowser’s head of course. The mighty fortress stood tall and Larry felt nervous as his dingy drove back to the shore miles away. He wished one of his siblings was with him, but sadly, they had been separated for a long time. Larry was now sixteen and his hair had grown out quite a lot, he had white and red tips at the ends of his blue hair. His horns were coming out in mid size, and his size was over double what it had been when he last saw his family. Larry clutched the letter in his hand. He read it over again:

Dear Larry:

It’s me, your pop. I know it’s been a long time since all of us got together, and well, I admit it, I miss my kids, and I want you all to join me at my new castle in the Shitake Sea. The longitude and latitude are on the opposite side of this paper. I’ve missed you all and I hope if this letter reaches you, you will agree that it is time we pass this ugliness and be a family again. I hope you and your siblings will join me here at Lemmius, seventh day.

Sincerely, Bowser, King of the Koopa “King Dad”

PS. If you have anyone that you now consider family, bring them along.

Larry had wanted to bury the hatchet with his father for a long time, and now he was there, at the castle. Though he was still angry at his father, he wanted to see him and all of the other six Koopalings. The last time he saw one of his siblings was when he was twelve, a year after the big split of the Koopa clan. He met Iggy at Game Guy’s Casino, in big debt. Larry had heard that all of his family had problems since they went their separate ways. Iggy had his gambling problem and lost any part of any castle he ever had. Morton tried uncovering a great treasure he heard about when he was ruling over the Koopahari Desert only to find the property belonged to the RVF (Rejected Villain Federation), where some of the major baddies of past adventures were having a meeting and Morton got the snot beat out of him.

Lemmy had vanished off the face of the planet but was known to still be alive by due to his running an online carnival. Ludwig had played piano in a few concerts, but after the publicity of being Bowser’s son irritated him too much he went into the shadows on his own adventure. Roy had become ruler of a tiny land, and a glutton. Roy could barely be considered a glutton anymore because of his enormous weight. He was so fat he couldn’t walk. Wendy had gotten into some bad situations and criminal stuff, and had been doing time for the past few years.

As for Larry, he started his own punk rock band which fell apart when Larry started dating Noko Ono. After the band fell apart, Larry and Noko didn’t do much but keep their own forest of a garden, which tourists to Flower Fields could visit. Larry and Noko had moved into the sun tower in Flower Fields, but soon Noko and Larry broke up and a month later while grieving Larry received the very letter he held in his claws. He read the last line again.

Larry forced back some tears and walked up to the large red bolted door.

Chapter 2: Mysterious Message

The sun was slowly setting across the vast ocean view from Yo’ster Isle. The sky was red and orange, truly a beautiful sight. On the island’s coast, five friends were sharing a long awaited reunion. Mario, Luigi, Princess Toadstool, Toad, and Yoshi all lay silently on the beach’s blanket of sand. The peaceful villagers were playing the famous Yoshi’s Ballad in the distance. The five friends looked on at the sky and were all very happy. They had not been together at peace for so long. Now they were relaxing after a big celebration at the town, where they had danced and enjoyed themselves immensly. Suddenly the calming silence was broken.

“Well, we should do-a this-a more often, don’t you-a think?” Luigi asked.

“Yeah, it’s real fun hanging out like this,” Toad said.

“I agree,” Peach agreed.

“Uh huh,” Mario mumbled.

They looked over to see if Yoshi was going to respond. “Huh? Oh sure! It big time fun! Oh boy! I was just thinking about dat time I was on TV about a month ago being a judge.”

They all had a good laugh. After the sun went down, they returned to the Yo’ster Island village. That night an even bigger party and festival was happening. Everyone was joining the fun. From wearing flower necklaces to hula skirts, all around it was a party. Luigi, Toad and Yoshi were at the fruit bar, while Mario and Peach were out dancing on the beach. Mario and Peach laughed together and stared up at the stars. “Well-a Peach, what do you-a think of our-a vaction after a vacation?” Mario asked.

“Well I like this one much better, because all of our good friends are here. But Isle Delfino was nice, apart from Bowser kidnapping me again.”

“Yeah, that-a was hard, but luckily, with FLUDD’s help, I was able to-a save you!”

“Hey, whatever happened to FLUDD?”

“Oh, I put FLUDD in a safe spot in case we need it again. The Poltergeist 3000's there too.”

“Mario... you’re always saving me... I really should thank you more.”

“You could bake me-a cake again-a!”

“No, I mean, not like a reward. It’s that the Mushroom Kingdom would be overrun by Bowser if it wasn’t for you. I mean it. You’re really important and special to the world... and to me.”

Mario and Peach looked at each other and slowly moved towards each other when Luigi, Yoshi, and Toad burst out of nowhere to stop the romantic scene.

“Hey Mario! You gotta see-a this!” Luigi said.

Mario sighed. “What is it?”

“It’s a letter for you! Parakarry just stopped by,” Toad said.

“Well, let’s-a see what it-a is.” Mario said, grabbing the letter.

He opened it up and it read:

Dear “Super” Mario,

I have heard of your amazing adventures. I also know you to be quite strong. Where I am from I am known as the strongest being, and I’ve always been looking for a challenge. You seem to be my only worthy opponent left. If you defeat me, you will recieve a great prize. But before you can reach me, there are three things you must collect to prove yourself worthy: the Crystal Shine, the Crytsal Star, and the Crystal Moon. These three magical items are hidden somewhere across your world. Find them and you will be able to locate me. But there is a catch: you must find them within two weeks or I will send out an army of my followers to destroy your world. You can journey with two other beings to help you, but when it comes time for our fight, you must be alone. Those are the only rules.

Sincerely, Lord Vuljiin


Chapter 3: Maze Craze

Larry entered the monstrosity of a castle, and started walking down a long dark hallway. In the distance he saw a fireplace. He reached the fireplace and was in a large room. He looked for an elevator, a sign, anything. He found nothing. Just then a Boo popped out of nowhere and floated up to Larry. It looked him up and down. “You must be Larry Koopa. I am Boo Blue! I will take you to Bowser,” Boo Blue said.

“Um, okay. Hey, when did my dad get you ghosts working for him again?” Larry asked.

“Well, we’re not working for him!” Boo Blue screamed as he turned to Larry. Huge fangs, red eyes, and a large tongue appeared on his face as he closed in on Larry.

“NO!!! I’m too young to die!” Larry yelled.

Larry saw the Boo slowly fade away, and heard snickering in the distance. Iggy Koopa walked out from behind a curtain holding a high-tech projector.

“Ha ha ha! You screamed like a wuss!” Iggy laughed.

“Why you! I’ll smack you one good!” Larry said, jumping at his older brother. The two Koopas wrestled until they started laughing.  “It’s good to see you again Iggy!” Larry exclaimed.

“You too, Larry,” Iggy responded.

“Okay, where do we go from here?” Larry asked.

“How should I know? I hid when I heard you coming. I just got here!” Iggy answered.

“Oh. Well let’s start looking for some secret path, I suppose,” Larry said.

They searched the room up and down. Nothing was found. “Darn! If only it was lighter! Larry, go put some more wood on the fire,” Iggy suggested.

Larry grabbed a log and put it on the fire, but the log just went right through the fire. Larry touched it and his hand went through it. “Hey! This fire’s a hologram! There’s a tunnel we can crawl through!” Larry announced.

The two Koopalings crawled through the small and tight pathway.  “I think Dad’s forgot that we have grown!” Iggy complained.

They crawled out of the tunnel and were in some bathroom. They heard a toilet flush, and a stall door opened. Wendy O. Koopa walked out and screamed. “HEY! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE IN HERE! THIS IS THE LADIES ROOM!” Wendy yelled.

“Sorry Wendy! We didn’t know where we were going, we just went through that tunnel,” Larry said.

“Oh, I thought you were already inside. Yeah, I had to crawl through that too. I’m not even sure this is the ladies room,” Wendy replied.

“Oh, well let’s go and find our dad!” Larry said.

“In a second!” Iggy yelled, rushing into one of the stalls.

The three of them ventured out of the bathroom and into a hall. This hall was also very dark. They walked down until a split, a staircase upwards or a staircase downwards. From above they heard a deep, ominous moaning. Larry and Iggy both trembled and agreed to go downstairs. “Oh come on you wimps! It’s probably just King Dad trying to scare us,” Wendy said.

The three nervous Koopas climbed up the staircase and into the next room. The moaning got almost unbearable. Wendy, shaking, opened a door and let in a beam of light which hurt the Koopas’ eyes. They walked outside the door and onto the ship’s deck. Outside, the moaning was coming from Morton, who looked really green in the face. “Morton?” they all said in unison.

Morton looked over at his siblings. “Ohh... hey guys! I wasn’t sure if I was going to be the only one to show up or not, you know how it is when, ohhh... you ... .ugh... can’t be sure if you’ll be the only one at something which is em... em... embarrassing, like when... ohh... when you’re not wearing your shell and people see you or something and ohh... then I got lost when I came and ohhhh... I... I... I came out here looking for anyone and got just... ugh... just a... ohh... litt- little bit sea... ohhh... sick. Blagh!

“GROSS!” Wendy shouted.

“That’s sick!” Iggy yelled.

“Yuck, well let’s try the basement staircase instead. C’mon, Morton,” Larry said.

They traveled down the basement and ended up in a circular room with three paintings. One was a picture of Bowser, one was a picture of Princess Toadstool, and another was a picture of a spiked green shell, the symbol of the royal Koopa bloodline. “Maybe this picture’s a warp!” Iggy said.

The four of them touched it and were transported into a large, well-lit room, with a large table and many chairs. They saw a large laptop computer at one spot of the table, it had a meter filling up at about halfway currently reading 'Downloading Realtime Image'. At the head of the table, they saw someone occupying Bowser’s throne. “D-dad?” Larry asked.

“BWA HA HA! I AM NOT YOUR DAD! I AM YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE! I AM... ROY KOOPA!!!” Roy roared, spinning the chair around.

The four Koopalings laughed at Roy’s immense girth, for he was even fatter than Bowser. “That’s hilairious, I heard you put on some weight, but I never thought that much!” Larry laughed.

“YEAH! You’re really really really fat! It’s so funny! Like when you just can’t hold in your laughter because something's so funny that you just burst out laughing and,” Morton gasped, “you just keep laughing until you’re red in the face and are about to wet your shell, until you either finally stop and go to the bathroom, or you go in your shell which would smell awful, and it’s funny because you’re FAT!”


“I bet he’s even too fat to walk! HEY! I bet he can’t beat us up now because he can’t catch us!” Iggy said happily.


After everyone settled down, Roy got out of the chair. The Koopalings started exchanging stories and information about how their lives were going. Eventually they sat in their appropriate spots at the table, which they had memorized years ago, when they still lived with their dad.

The room went silent when a door opened, and King Bowser Koopa walked to his seat. He sat down with tears in his eyes. “I’m so glad that those of you who are here could make it. And now that you’re here..." Bowser turned away. When he looked back he had an evil grin across his face. “... we can finally defeat those Mario Brothers once and for all!”

Chapter Four: Gathering of Evil

A heavy storm settled in at Merrymore late at night. But only one of the houses had on a light. In the house was an event of a nasty sort. For this is the home of that evil Chef Torte.

“HEY! Stop rhyming you fool! You’re making my serious evil plot look stupid und somezing to laugh at!” Chef Torte shouted.

“Sorry misuer but my master’s gone evil, don’t make him mad,” his apprentice bouted.

“Vat did I tell you just before?”

Suddenly a knock was heard on the door. Chef Torte went to answer the call, only to find it just some guy named Paul. Chef Torte slammed the door with might. He looked like he was gonna fight. The chef puleds out a gun, and with one shot... ohh... I’m done... X_X

After hiring a new narrator, ^_^, Chef Torte and his apprentice began their secret meeting. Only two of the chairs were used for seating.

“Vat did you say?” Chef Torte asked.


“Okay. Apprentice, as I haf told you, I haf seen za darkness und embrace it. I am now evil. I am a great dangeir to zis vorld, vaiting for unleashing,” Chef Torte said, briefing.


“Idiot,” Chef Torte muttered.

“But are you sure you want this? You were such a good chef. Why become evil?” his apprentice stuttered.

“How does zat keep happening?!” Chef Torte spazzed. “First zing I do ven I rule za vorld ist get rid of all rhyming narrators.”

“Well, I’m with you all the way. But how will we take over the world, may I say?"



“I haf a few people in mind to help moi start an evil organization. Zees people vill be essential to my ultimate plan.”

“Eliminate Tayce T?”

“Bigger zen zat.”

“Uh... win a Grammy?”

“NO! I am going to rid ze entire vorld of its supply of fruit!!!”

Suspense music plays with lightning and thunder. Somwhere a Yoshi is screaming in utter terror.

“Why get rid of all the fruit?”

“Because Yoshis love it. Und fruit actually makes people happy! If I neutralize it all, eveiryone vill be too sad to stop moi from taking oveir ze vorld!”

“I see... but then you can’t cook fruit dishes.”

“YOU FOOL! VE vill haf all of za fruit hidden! So ve can keep it all to ourselves und use it as currency or vhatnot. You haf a lot to learn. I’ll haf to take you undeir my ving und teach you ze ropes.”

Torte’s apprentice’s face lit up.

“Now, before ve can start gazairing my crew, I vill need a new outfit to complete za transformation!”

Torte crafted a suit out of a towel for a cape, long rubber gloves, and an all-purpose, nuclear powered, complete with ion and plasma guns frying pan! Chef Torte held up his two frying pans, the new weapon of mass destruction and his old frying pan dubbed “The PAN OF POWER!”, given to him by some Yoshi known as Ryan-oshi. He threw out the PAN OF POWER, and held his new one up high.

“From now on zis shall be known as my, PAN OF PAIN!!!”

Lightning, thunder, suspense music, the whole enchilada.

“Now, let us go! Ze night ist still young!”

Sometime and someplace later.....

The coldness of the Shitake Sea was all around. The storm from the Mushroom Kingdom even affected this far away. It was foggy and windy and cold. The only time you could see was when lightning lit the dark and heavy sky. It was truly a terrifying place to be with all of the Great White Blurps and Behemoth Bloopers legend to swim in these areas.

“HEY! I DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW THAT!” a frightened voice cried from somewhere in the deep thick fog.

In a small and practically useless lifeboat, shivering and sneezing was a practically useless Magikoopa named Changling. Though Changling could change anyone’s form, including his own, he was useless because the plans formed by Bowser and Kamek to use Changling backfired. Bowser sent him sailing on a little ship from the Koopa king’s new floating fortress for dead. Changling, though in a bad shape, was not out. If only he hadn’t dropped his wand when trying to fish with it. Just then, a bright beam of light from behind a thick fog harmed Changling’s eyes.

“Oh... please be a boat that will bring me to my safety! Please!” Changling cried.

A medium-sized barge swam into view. The light was coming from someone’s hand, in which was a frying pan-shaped object. Chef Torte jumped out and looked down at Changling.

“Velcome. I heard you vere fired from Bowseir. Come jumpship to my side und ve’ll show him who’s really useless!” Chef Torte said.

“Who’re you?” Changling asked.

“I am za new evil mastairmind bound for vorld domination. I am, Chef Torte!” Chef Torte announced.

“Chef Torte? Oh yeah! The guy who always messes up his cakes and junk!” Changling replied.

“I could leave you out heir to die you know,” Chef Torte spited.

“SORRY! I will join your evil group, just don’t leave me to die, master!” Changling begged.

“Hmm, mastair already, ay?” Chef Torte questioned.

“Sorry, force of habit... I mean, yeah! You seem like the master type...” Changling said.

“Come aboard. Ve still haf many places to go,” Chef Torte informed.

Changling jumped up and into the ship. The ship went back to shore speedily, not noticing the large tentacle reaching up out of the water...

The storm seemed to be everywhere that night, even deep in the thicket of the Fungi Forest, where Genius Guy’s laboratory was hidden. Deep down in his laboratory, the mad scientist was currently playing god, trying to combine the DNA of a Goomba, and a Bob-omb. If it was successful, it would be called a Goom-Boom. The request came from an anonymous person known only as “VGP”. A loud knock was heard from above.

“Flohoyven! How does anyone know of my hidden lab?” Genius Guy said, walking up the stairs.

He opened the door and lightning flashed with thunder and suspense music, introducing our hero... err... villain, Chef Torte!

“Chef Torte! How did you find my secret lab with the secretism and the forest and the OH I tried hard!” Genius Guy asked.

“Relax, I created you in RoboKoop, remembeir?” Chef Torte said.

“Oh right. Do come in,” Genius Guy invited.

“Hey master Torte,” the apprentice asked.

“Yes, Apprentice?” Chef Torte replied.

“How do you make that lightning and thunder business time exactly right each time?” Apprentice wondered.

“Oh ist zat all? I haf a friend in za cheesey effects biz,” Chef Torte said, winking at an angle as if there’d be a camera.

“Oh... o...kay...” Apprentice responded.

“Wait, I forgot why I invited you in, you came unannounced,” Genius Guy asked.

“Oh yes. Ve are going to help you pack all your important supplies. You’re going to verk for my evil organization now,” Chef Torte answered.

“All right... but what if I don’t want to?” Genius Guy questioned.

“Zen you vill be put into your little cube und back in my subconcious! I created you, remember numbshell?” Chef Torte shouted.

“Oh... I DO remember with the pushing and the shoving and the OH! GLAVEN!!!” Genius Guy said. “I’ll join, willingly...”

“But of course!” Chef Torte responded. “C’mon! Grab his zings und put zem in za choppeir! Ve haf one more person to get!”

The ghosts were restless that night in the Seaside Town graveyard. Yes because of the storm, I said it was everywhere! Chef Torte’s jet landed in the town of tombstones, breaking a few of them. His band of evildoers followed him out and began looking for something only Chef Torte knew.

“Hey master Torte, how come our vehicle keeps changing? You know, first it was a boat, then a helicopter and now it’s a jet? I don’t even remembeir getting a vehicle!” Torte’s apprentice asked.

Chef Torte turned around and smiled. He pointed at his apprentice. “You haf been paying too close attention to za story!”

They continued walking in the cold and loud storm. Changling walked up to the crazy cook. “Um, Chef, what exactly is it we are looking for?” the shivering Magikoopa asked nervously.

“Zat!” Chef Torte pointed to a large tomb in the center of the graveyard. On the tomb’s door, four symbols were marked, one a bolt of lightning, one a vile of liquid, one containers of salt and pepper, and one an arrangement of three triangles. “Okay! Here’s vat ve’ll do, everyone, begin looking for zees markings.”

“I found them!” Genius Guy said, pointing at the door.

Chef Torte pulled out his PAN OF PAIN and threw it at Genius Guy. “Idiot... anyvay, as I vas saying, look for zees markings on a gravestone, ven you find one, tell moi!”

Everyone began searching. Eventually Torte’s apprentice found the first one. It was the vile of liquid symbol.

“Okay, Genius Guy, pull a vile of acid out of your lab coat und pour it oveir zis grave,” Chef Torte ordered.

Genius Guy obeyed. The grave corroded rapidly when the acid was poured on it. A blackish/purple orb of light came out of the hole and shot into the symbol of the vile on the tomb’s door. It glowed an eerie light of the same color.

“Okay, look for ze next one!” Chef Torte called.

Changling found the next one. It had the lightning symbol on it.

“Okay, Changling, use your magic to zap zis grave viz a lightning bolt,” Chef Torte demanded.

“Um... I can’t. I lost my magic wand,” Changling replied.

“Oh, okay...” Torte said, holding back his anger. “Zen ve’ll haf to do zis... Here, stand right zheir,” Torte said pointing to the ground, “und hold my PAN OF PAIN up high.”

“Okay. Like this? What do I do now?” Changling asked.


Now, who didn’t see that coming?

Another orb came out of this hole and did the same thing.

“Okay! Two left!” Chef Torte said.

Chef Torte himself found the next one, the salt and pepper. “Hey, Apprentice! Get oveir here!”

The apprentice ran over quickly. “Yes, master Torte?”

“Use your salt und peppeir on zis grave,” Chef Torte said.

The grave simply vanished and a third orb shot at the door.

“Okay, ve only haf one more to find now... Vait, vheir’s Genius Guy?!” Chef Torte asked.

“He’s way over there!” Changling pointed out.

“Zat idiot! Vell come on!” Chef Torte said.

They got to Genius Guy and saw him playing with a yo-yo. Chef Torte was about to knock him on his nugget, but he looked at the nearby gravestone.

“Oh yeah! I found the triangle one!” Genius Guy said.


“Wait, master Torte, isn’t that the symbol of the royal family of Hyrule?” Torte’s apprentice asked.

“Yes, und luckily, my PAN OF PAIN has an ocarina attachment,” Chef Torte responded.

He put the ocarina attachment to his lips and played THIS melody: “ <   ^    >   <   ^   >”

Chef Torte and the gravestone glowed bright purple and the grave dissolved. Chef Torte looked at the now twinkling ocarina attachment in astonishment.

You’ve learned Zelda’s Lullabye!!!

The fourth and final orb shot at the tomb. The tomb’s door glowed blackish/purple. The four orbs shot out of the door, formed on giant orb, and demolished the door.

“Let’s go!” Chef Torte said.

The four fiends walked into the tomb. Chef Torte opened a door and revealed a staircase. They proceded down and got to the final chamber. There were four walls, and a painting on each one. The paintings were of Boos. NO! Not Booze... Boos! The room was filled with evil laughter as a Boo came out of each painting.

“AHHH! RUN!” Torte’s apprentice screamed.

But when he went for the door, it was gone. Chef Torte’s henchmen quivered in one corner, while Torte pulled out his PAN OF PAIN! He jumped about and shot lasers into the Boos, but they always went through them.

“Hmm, how does Mario defeat zees ghosts?” Chef Torte thought aloud. He snapped his fingers and pulled out his mirror attachment. He shot the mirror with his laser and reflected it at the Boos. The paintings oozed and the paint fell into the center of the room. The paint became an Ooey-gooey Piranha Plant (as seen in Super Mario Sunshine). Chef Torte pulled out his Supa Koopa Soaka attachment, only to find it empty. “Mon dieu! Vat to do now?” Chef Torte worried.

Just then for no reason, defying all logic, Toad walked in next to Torte.

“Aha! A solution alvays presents itself!” Chef Torte said, chucking the little Mushroom head into the paint Piranha.

The Piranha Plant became sick and evaporated, then out of the ground a coffin rose up. Chef Torte walked up to it while the others still cowered in the corner. He opened the coffin and dust flew everywhere. Out of the coffin floated a terrifying sight, a Boo wrapped in a cloak holding a sith. The only part of his face you could see was his bright green eyes.

“Fellas,” Chef Torte said. “Meet ze Grand Glum Reapeir!!!”

Though you can’t see it, I guarantee lightning and thunder was flashing outside of the tomb.

Chapter 5: Cosmos Confusion

Thunder rumbled from the still raging storm outside. It made Luigi startle and drop a book. He picked it up and looked through it. Nothing was mentioned about the three crystal items they were looking for. Mario, Luigi, Toad, Yoshi, and Peach searched the Mushroom library for ANY information on the Crystal Star, Shine, or Moon. Currently none was found. Lightning flashed and thunder rumbled once again. Peach walked up a ladder to reach the higher shelves. She looked around, but nothing would have an article relating to the items they were looking for.

Toad looked around at the back of the library, noticing three odd paintings that stood out. One picture was of a knight going off to fight a dragon. Another one was of a Goomba whose eyes seemed to follow you all around the room. The one in the middle perplexed the fungus head. It looked exactly like it was a hole to another room. In the picture there was a chest in the center of the room. There was also a table with some fruit. It almost scared Toad. It even had the correct shadow allignments and everything. Toad was spooked. He decided not to look at it anymore but, turning around, he saw Yoshi.

“What are you doing over here, Toad?” Yoshi asked.

“Oh nothin', just looking at these paintings,” Toad replied.

“Oh, it that all- hey wait! OH BOY! There it fruit in there!” Yoshi said excitedly.

“But Yoshi, that’s only a picture!” Toad squeeked.

Nonetheless, Yoshi stuck his tongue out shot it at the painting, and it went through the painting, grabbing a banana. Yoshi ate it and sang with delight.

Toad looked mystified. “How did you do that?!”

Toad walked up and touched the painting, his hand going through a liquidy-plasma like substance. Toad jumped in the picture, finding himself drenched in the gooey stuff. “What’s this icky paint-like go-" Toad stopped in midsentence, remembering he had used this line before, “-ooey stuff anyway?”

He walked around and sure enough he was in the painting. He looked back where he came from to see a giant Yoshi staring into the picture. A echoing, slow “Toad?” came from outside the painting.

Toad looked around and saw the chest. He tried to open it, but unlike many in the Mushroom Kingdom, it was locked. He pulled the chest from its place and threw it out of the picture. Toad followed.

By now, Mario and the rest had found Toad and Yoshi. They watched the Mushroomer crawl out. Toad no longer had slime over him. After briefly informing the rest of his story, they started looking for a key. Everyone but Yoshi was searching. Mario came up to the green dinosaur. “Yoshi! Why aren’t-a you helping us-a look for the key-a?” Mario asked.

“That Goomba has it!” Yoshi whispered.

Mario laughed. “Yoshi! Just because the painting looks like it is-a moving its eyes, doesn’t-a mean it is-a real!”

Mario knocked on the painting with a reaction of, “OW! HEY, DAT HURT!” from the Goomba in the painting.

Mario jumped and said, “Your real?!”

“Of course I am! Now what do you want?” the Goomba spoke.

“Do you-a have the key to the chest-a?” Mario asked.

“Maybe I do. Maybe I don’t. Whatever you wanna know, you’ll need the password to get it from me!” the Goomba shouted.

“Password! Darn, where are we supposed to find a password?” Mario mumbled.

“Seashells!” Yoshi said.

“No! I have a different password,” the Goomba explained. “I’ll give ya a hint! Look at that bookshelf in front of ya! Get far enough away from it and you’ll see a red word.”

Mario backed up and saw the word, pose, spelled out in red books.

“Pose?” Mario asked.

“Right you are! Now take this stupid thing ‘n’ don’t bother me again!” the Goomba said, spitting out the key and closing its eyes.

“You guys! We have-a the key!” Mario said.

They gathered in the center of the room and unlocked the chest, after which the key disappeared. Inside the chest was an old parchment. Luigi pulled it out and noticed all the dust on it. He blew on the parchment to get the dust off, but instead the parchment broke off into millions of tiny pieces.

“Ha ha... whoopsie,” Luigi stuttered.

“LUIGI!!!” Mario said, approaching him.

“Wait! Look at this!” Peach said.

Inside the chest was also a white piece of paper. The top was titled, “In case the other one fails to do its duty. Oh, and don’t make the same mistake twice!” It read:

To whomever finds this document...

You must be searching for the Cosmos Crystals, or the Crystal Star, Shine and Moon. These three ancient treasures are near unlimited in powers, but only those chosen by the Cosmos themselves have the ability to use them. These treasures will be found in the centermost point of energy of that Sprite’s species. Each of the three Cosmos types has its own Realm. In the highest point of energy lies the Cosmos Crystal of that Realm. Each are guarded very well and it would take the best of any world to pass the defenses to get to the Realm’s heart. Each Realm has its own Gateway. There are three Gateways in this Realm to reach their's. Each Gateway is the place where that Sprite of the Cosmos species is upheld with the utmost holiness and respect. Most likely, statues are erected in the area of that Cosmos Sprite. Besides locating the Gateway there are a few keys you need to open it.

1. You must be pure of heart, mind, body, and spirit to enter.
2.  All of the Cosmos Sprites of the realm must be collected and kept safe.
3. The Gatekeeper of that realm must be awakened.

These are the requirements to enter the Realms. But be warned, the realms are much different, and are fragile. So don’t mess them up! Now you must realize the risk and danger involved in obtaining these items. Of the few who have tried to excerpt the Crystals from their Realms, only one prevailed. And the only reason I’m printing this information is because if you find it, the entirty of the Cosmos could be ripped apart and neutralized. Good luck in your journey.

Rapheal T. Raven I


“ACHOO!!!” Luigi sneezed. The paper fell to pieces.

“Luigi! Now how are we gonna know what the postscript was?!” Mario yelled.

“Oh, it was a postscript, it can’t have been that important, or Raphael would’ve remembered it in the main letter,” Luigi said.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Mario agreed.

Glass shattered and everyone looked to the broken window. To everyone’s horror, a strange ghostly figure floated in the air.

Read on!

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