Chapter 5
Apple Kid: And so, our continuing saga of Mario's effort to rescue Princess Peach from the evil King Bowser continues. Our heroes have just arrived at Toad Town Docks.
Mario and company have just arrived at the Toad Town docks.
Bombette: The author just said that.
Goombario: Hey, a bar! Let's get a drink.
Mario: That may be the first time you said something good.
They go in to find the residents of Koopa Village already there.
Kooper: THERE THEY ARE!
Koover: GET 'EM!
They run like a pair of pediatricians durring flu season down to the end of a dock to find themselves cornered on three sides by water and the Koopas on the other.
Bombette: I can't swim! I don't have any arms!
Goombario: Speak for yourself...
Mario shoves Goombario into the water.
Goombario: *gasp* HELP! ANYONE! HOMICIDAL PLUMBER! SAVE ME!
A whale comes up underneath Goombario and swims to the edge of the dock. The Koopas stop.
Kooper: ACK! WHALE!
Koover: THEY HAVE A PET WHALE! RUN FOR IT!
They run off.
Watt: The funny fish scared away the bad people!
Whale: Since I saved you, you need to do me a favor.
Mario: What?
Whale: I have a stomache ache. Go kill whatever gave it to me.
Mario: Fine.
The quartet goes in and finds Fuzzipede hopping around like mad.
Fuzzipede: Lemme go, yer darn varmint!
Goombario: What's with the accent?
Fuzzipeed: Oi cums from de cuntreee, ye stupid ushroom.
Goombario: I'm not stupid!
Everyone Else: Yes, you are.
Fuzzipede: Anyoo, oim stuck in des durn vishie, an oi kant git out.
Mario: No problem, just a sec.
Mario and friends climb out of the whale's mouth.
Whale: Well?
Mario: Open up.
Whale: What?
Mario: OPEN UP!
The whale opens it's mouth, and Mario tosses a box of Ex-Lax in.
Bombette: You may feel some slight discomfort...
The whale omits a bodily function considered rude in many parts of the world.
Goombario: Whoo! That stinks!
Just as another blast comes from the whale, Kolorado walks up behind them.
Kolorado: I'd say, old chaps, what's making the awful stench?
The whale does it again.
Kolorado: I'd say, old chap. Would you mind stopping that?
Whale: Blame this #$@& plumber!
Kolorado: Plumber, eh? You wouldn't happen to be Mario, by any chance?
Mario nods.
Kolorado: How would you like to accompany me to Lavalava Island?
Mario: Sure.
Fuzzipede pops out of the whale.
Fuzzipeed: THAT STUNK! I'LL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN!
Goombario: What happened to the accent?
Fuzzipeed: Shut up, shroomy.
He hops away.
Whale: I guess I owe you one. You need a lift to the island?
Mario: Well, there arn't any boats around...
Kolorado: Hop aboard, old chap! Not a moment to lose!
Everyone climbs on, and the whale takes off.
Kolorado: (singing very badly) She pulled
up into the drivethrough,
he said, "Welcome to Burger Bell".
She said, "I would like a cheeseburger.
And maybe, a milkshake as well."
He said, "Sorry, but I can't
give you neither."
She said, "Isn't this Burger
Bell?"
He said, "Yes it is, but we're
closed now.
We open tomorrow at 10."
She said, "Sir, I am extremely
hungry,
But I guess, I'll wait until
thennnnnnnn."
'Cause you're my cheeseburger,
My precious cheeseburger,
I'll wait for you-oo,
I will wait for you-oo.
Don't be so long cheeseburger,
My precious cheeseburger,
I'll wait for you-oo,
Yes I will wait for you.
She looked up into the sunrise,
She may have dozed of, once or
twice.
But then she saw a billboard
for Denny's,
Bacon, and eggs for half price.
She couldn't resist such an offer,
She was in desperate need of
something to munch.
Cheeseburger, please do not be
angry.
Because she will be back for
luuuuuuuuuuuunch!
'Cause you're her cheeseburger,
Her precious cheeseburger,
She'll be back for you-oo,
She'll be back for you-oo.
Don't be so long cheeseburger,
Her precious cheeseburger,
She'll be back for you-oo,
Yes she'll be back for you.
'Cause she loves you, cheeseburger,
with all her heart.
And there's nothing gonna' tear
you two apart!
And if the world suddenly ran
out of cheese,
She would drop down on her hands
and knees.
And if someone dropped a piece
of cheese in the dirt,
She would wash it off for you!
Wash it off for you!
Wash that dirty stinking cheese
off just for youuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
... 'Cause you're her cheese,
bur, geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer.
(Veggietales, "Cheeseburger Song")
Mario: Never sing that song again.
Kolorado: Why so, old chap? Just a bit of good-humored fun. Oh look, there's the island.
They go ashore and walk to the volcano.
Kolorado: Bit of a sticky wicket, eh, old boy? No way to get in. But I shall persevere!
They head to Yoshi Village to find it in chaos.
Yoshi Leader: Mario, it's terrible! Our little ones are gone! Sushie went looking for them, but she hasn't returned either! Please rescue them!
Mario: Why should I?
Yoshi Leader: If you do, I'll give you something you need.
Mario: And if I don't help?
All the Yoshis around him pull out sharp metal objects.
Goombario: *gulp*
Mario: Uh... point taken.
Mario and his friends set out into the jungle and wander around aimlessly.
Watt: Look at the funny fishie!
They look up and see Sushie in a tree.
Sushie: Come back, you fascist anarchists! I'll kill you!
She notices the group watching her.
Sushie: Oh, could you please get me down?
Mario: ... Sure.
He smacks the tree with his hammer and knocks the fish to the ground.
Sushie: Thanks. Name's Sushie. Would you mind helping me look for those runaway Yoshi kids?
Mario's stomache rumbles.
Mario: What'd you say your name was?
Sushi: Sushie.
She notices Mario begin to drool.
Bombette: Are you okay, Mario?
Mario: So... hungry...
He dives upon Sushie.
Sushie: HELP! SOMEBODY SAVE ME!
Goombario: This isn't in the script...
Bombette: Mario! Control yourself!
Mario: FFFFFFFFFFFFFFOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDD!
A short while later, Mario is turning Sushie on a spit over the fire.
Watt: Mario gets to eat the fishie!
Goombario: Mario, we're doomed now, you realize.
Mario: What?
Goombario: How are we supposed to get across any water around here without Sushie?
Mario: Are you stupid or something?
Goombario: Yes. I mean no. Uh...
???: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
Bombette: What was that?
???: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
They start looking around and find a Yoshi Kid sleeping in a tree.
Watt: I'll get him down!
She goes up and tries to pick up the Yoshi Kid. There's a loud zapping sound and Watt comes back with a pile of ashes.
Mario: Who would have known that Yoshis are flammable?
Goombario: So, how do we cross this water now, Einstein?
Mario jumps in and swims across with Bombette riding on his back.
Goombario: ... I CAN'T SWIM!
Bombette: Well, too bad for you, then!
They find another Yoshi kid trapped by Piranha Plants.
Yoshi Kid: Hey, it's Mario!
He runs past the plants to Mario.
Yoshi Kid: THANK YOU FOR SAVING ME!!! I'LL GO HOME NOW!
Mario: But I didn't save you.
Yoshi Kid: Oh, uh, right.
The Yoshi kid starts to walk away. The Piranha Plants look at each other, then run forward and eat the Yoshi kid.
Mario: O.O'
They find the third Yoshi kid in a tree.
Yoshi Kid: I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS! GET ME DOWN!!!
Watt: I'll do it!
Everyone Else: NO!
Watt: YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO BE SO MEAN!
Watt bursts into tears.
Mario: I have an idea. Bombette, blow the tree down.
Bombette: All right...
She blows up at the base of the tree and knocks it down. It goes the wrong way and lands in the water. The Yoshi kid drowns.
Goombario: THIS ISN'T IN THE SCRIPT! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO RESCUE THEM, NOT KILL THEM!
Mario: How'd you get here?
Goombario: I told the author I'd sue if you ditched me again!
Bombette: You can do that?
Goombario: Honestly, I don't know. But it worked!
They search around and find a dark underground room in a pipe.
Mario: Wish I could see... WHOA!
He trips on something in the dark. The something squeals and falls to the ground.
Mario: I think I found the Yoshi kid.
Watt: Let's see!
She lights up the room. The Yoshi kid is lying on the ground with its neck snapped.
Mario: My bad!
They find the last Yoshi kid on an island.
Yoshi Kid: Where's all my brother's and sisters?
A cricket chirps in the background.
Yoshi Kid: You killed them all in nasty ways, didn't you?
Goombario: How'd you know that?
Yoshi Kid: *shrug*
Bombette: So, I guess we'll rescue you.
Yoshi Kid: I think not.
Mario: Why not?
The Yoshi kid dies for no apparent reason.
Mario: ... Uh oh.
They return to Yoshi Village.
Yoshi Leader: Well?
Mario: We sort of killed them all.
Chief: And Sushie?
Mario: Well, I was sort of hungry, and in the mood for fish, soooo...
The Yoshis start playing celebration music and run around happily.
Yoshi Leader: THANK YOU! YOU GOT RID OF THAT STUPID FISH!
Goombario: This isn't supposed to happen...
The Yoshi Leader picks Goombario up and throws him into the ocean.
Yoshi Leader: Right. Here's a little statue. Go visit Rafael Raven.
So, they go visit Rafael Raven.
Rafael: You'd like to go to the volcano?
Watt: Yes, please!
Rafael: I don't know, it's sort of expensive...
Mario hands Rafael a small bag of coins.
Rafael: I think we'll manage. Let's go.
They go to the volcano and find a bridge already built.
Mario: HEY! I WANT MY MONEY BACK!
Rafael: ... Gotta go!
He runs off. Kolorado comes up behind the group.
Kolorado: I say, old boy! A bridge! Onward to Mt. Lavalava!
He dashes into the volcano. The others look at each other, then go in.
Apple Kid: And now, just for old time's sake, let's do an intermission! Today's intermission will be a group of Shy Guys in a skit they call, "Darts".
Red Shy Guy: I'm bored.
Blue Shy Guy: Let's play darts!
Yellow Shy Guy: Okay!
Green Shy Guy: So, does anyone remember the rules?
Red: No.
Blue: Nope.
Yellow: Sorry.
Green: Neither do I.
Blue: I think I remember something about a blindfold...
Blue runs off to get a blindfold.
Yellow: Don't we throw the darts at something?
Red: The dartboard?
Yellow: I think so.
Red runs off to find a dartboard just as Blue comes back with the blindfold.
Blue: I found one!
Green: ... That's my bandana!
Blue: So?
Green: ... Good point.
Red comes back with a book.
Red: Couldn't find a board, but I found a book titled "Mario's Guide to Darts". It was written by someone named B. O. Wser.
Green: What's it say?
Red: Step One: Choose a person to be "IT". In this game, "IT" is called Mario.
Yellow: I'll be Mario.
Red: Step Two: The other players must then be blindfolded. Blue and Green, put on blindfolds.
Green: But we only have my bandana.
Blue: I can fix that!
He rips Green's bandana in half.
Green: MY BANDANA! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Green runs off crying.
Blue: Well, I guess it's just me then.
Blue puts on the blindfold.
Blue: Now what?
Red: Step Three: Now Mario must stand in one spot talking about how much he likes Mushrooms as loud as he can. The other players must try to use the darts to stop Mario from talking.
Yellow: I like Mushrooms. They're so yummy. They make me grow big and strong. Plus they ERK!
Yellow falls to the ground due to an aptly thrown dart.
Red: Step Four: If the Mario stops moving, making noise, and breathing, then the thrower wins.
Blue: YES!
Apple Kid: Now, wasn't that fun?
Audience Member: No.
Apple Kid: Whatever. Now, back to our story.
Kolorado, Mario, and everyone else have just dashed into the volcano.
Kolorado: I say, it's a bit hot in here, eh?
Goombario: Duh, it's an active volcano.
Kolorado: Don't get snooty with me, boy!
Goombario: That Brittish accent doesn't make you sound smarter, by the way.
Kolorado picks Goombario up and throws him into a nearby pit of lava.
Goombario: OUIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE! IT BURRRRNS!
Bombette: (in Goombario's voice) Duh, it's an active volcano!
Everyone rolls on the floor laughing hysterically while Goombario simply glares at them.
Mario: Well *giggle* shouldn't we get moving?
They're about to move on when a Piranha Plant pops out of the ground in front of them.
Piranha Plant: Affirmative. Target identified as Mario. RED ALERT! RED ALERT!
Watt: Why's the funny plant talk like a robot?
Piranha Plant: Because I have nothing better to do.
It dives back underground. They procede to the zipline section.
Kolorado: Stand back, everyone! I'm a professional zipliner!
He jumps up to grab the zipline, but falls off the platform.
Kolorado: IIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Mario: Showoff.
He grabs the zipline and goes down a nearby tunnel.
Bombette: Why are we going this way?
Mario: Because I want to.
Watt: But it's dark and scary!
They spot a large chest.
Goombario: LOOK! A large chest!
Mario: Really? It's not like I lift weights or anything-
Goombario: Not you, there!
He indicates the large treasure chest.
Mario: ...
Watt: How can someone say ...?
Bombette: Haven't we already had this conversation?
Goombario: I think we have.
Mario: Whatever.
He grabs the Ultra Hammer, then heads to the blocked tunnel.
Kolorado: It appears that a large block is blocking the way.
He chuckles at his own pun. Mario crushes the block and proceeds.
Kolorado: Good show, old boy! Onward to the treasure!
He dashes through the hole. Mario and Co. follow.
Mario: Where'd he go?
A large spiked ball falls from the roof behind him.
Mario: *gulp*
He runs. The camera shifts to the front of Mario and the Indiana Jones theme starts playing.
Goombario: We're not going to make it!
Mario pulls out a whip, grabs Bombette, and swings across the chasm. Watt flies over to them.
Goombario: SAVE MEEEEEEEEEEE!
The spiked ball crushes Goombario and pulls him down into the chasm.
Goombario: NNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooooooo...
Mario: What a waste of good special effects.
They proceed through the rest of the volcano as normal, until-
Kolorado: What's that rumbling?
Bombette: LOOK!
Lava Piranha pops out of the pit.
Lava Piranha: It's intruders! I'll saute you all!
Goombario falls from a hole in the ceiling.
Goombario: WAIT! To saute, you need to have fat.
Lava Piranha: Shut up.
He picks up Goombario and drops him down another hole.
Goombario: NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTT AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnnn...
Lava Piranha: Where were we?
Mario: We were about to fight.
Lava Paranah: Oh. Right.
Kolorado: I think I'll just mosey along, then.
He dashes from the room.
Lava Paranah: HAHAHA! Your friend has deserted you!
Mario: I still have Bombette and Watt!
He turns around and they're gone.
Mario: ... Drat.
Lava Piranha: Bring it on, chump.
He leaps forward and dives into the Piranha's mouth.
Lava Piranha: Well, that wasn't so *GASP*
Inside Lava Piranha's throat, Mario is strangling him.
Kolorado: KOLORADO TO THE RESCUE!!!
He dives at the Piranha's stomache, successfully dislodging Mario, who flies across the room into a wall.
Mario: Oh, my head.
Kolorado: Sorry, old chap.
Lava Paranah: REVENGE!!!
Goombario falls from the same hole as before and lands in Lava Piranha's mouth. Lava Piranha chokes to death.
Goombario: Well, this certainly isn't very appetizing.
The Piranha dies, and Mario rescues the Star Spirit.
Kolorado: Look at the size of that starfish!
Misstar: I'm a Star Spirit, you insolent clod!
Bombette and Watt run up.
Bombette: It's erupting! Lets go!
She blows the wall up, and they all dash through.
Kolorado: THE TREASURE!!!
The treasure is sitting up on a ledge. He runs over to it, but he can't jump high enough to reach it.
Kolorado: MY BEAUTIFUL TREASURE, COME TO PAPA!
Misstar: Let's go, you moron!
Kolorado: NOT WITHOUT MY PRECIOUS BABY!!!
Mario: Leave him!
Misstar: ... Okay!
She grabs everyone but Kolorado and takes off. Kolorado somehow manages to get up to the ledge and is now opening the treasure chest.
Kolorado: What is it? Gold? Diamonds? MARIO SUNSHINE?!
He opens it to find the Ten Commandments.
Kolorado: Well, this is a disappointment.
He throws them into the lava, which is now about to engulf the platform.
Kolorado: I know! I'll climb into the chest and be launched to safety!
He climbs in and is launched to safety. Only one problem...
Kolorado: HELP! I'M LOCKED IN THE BLOODY CHEST! LET A CHAP OUT!
Just outside the volcano...
Misstar: Here's my power, sweetums!
She takes off. Mario and Co. go back to the whale.
Whale: Let's go back to Toad Town, shall we?
Bombette: Why else would we be here?
Whale: To make a tuna sandwhich out of me.
Mario: O.O'
Jr. Troopa swims up.
Jr. Troopa: No you don't! I swam all the way here, just to fight you people! ... COME BACK, YOU %$#^!
He dives into the water and swims after them. Later, about halfway across the ocean...
Jr. Troopa: *pant pant* I'll *pant* catch them...
Goombario: IEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Mario throws Goombario at Jr. Troopa and, as luck would have it, Goombario lands just on top of him.
Jr. Troopa: *gurgle* Ge- *gurgle* off!
Goombario: Hey, you're the stupid little turtle!
Jr. Troopa: *gurgle gurgle* I'm *gurgle* drown- *gurgle gurgle*
Goombario: It just isn't your day, is it?
Jr. Troopa: *gurgle* @ YOU!!!
He swims the rest of the way to Toad Town with Goombario standing on his head.
Apple Kid: Well, this concludes the Lavalava Island section of our story. Next up, Flower Fields!