Cardboard Mario

By Apple Kid

Chapter 6

Apple Kid: We last left Mario as he had just arrived at Toad Town Do-


Hundreds of angry people are waving picket signs and throwing things outside of Apple Kid's house.)

Dan Rather: As you can see, hundreds of angry readers have come together to protest against the author, known under the alias Apple Kid, to get him to write shorter chapters. Earlier, I managed to get an interview with the author. Let's view the tape.

Apple Kid is sitting at his computer typing when Dan Rather and his camera crew fall down the chimney into the room.

Apple Kid: What the-

Dan Rather: So, why are all these people surrounding your house?

Apple Kid: Why are you IN my house?

Dan Rather: Actually, we came to do an interview.

Apple Kid: Oh, I see. Anyway, they've come to force me to make the next chapter of Cardboard Mario shorter.

Dan Rather: Really?

Apple Kid: Yep. The last chapter was WAY too long, so I think they're justified.

Dan Rather: Have you given in to their rioting?

Apple Kid: I wasn't going to, until they started doing the most hideous, vile thing in the world.

Camera shows dozens of televisions outside the windows playing old Telletubbies reruns.

Apple Kid: As you can see, I'm sort of stuck.

Dan Rather: When are you going to write this next, shorter chapter?

Apple Kid: Right now, stupid! Now beat it! GO! BEGONE!!!

Dan Rather: One last queston.

Apple Kid: What?

Dan Rather: Do you like my hair?

Apple Kid: OUT!!!

Dan Rather: Okay, jeez, you don't need to be so pushy...

Dan Rather: So there you have it. People get what they want. This is Dan Rather, good night.

Apple Kid: So, with that strange intro, onto our story.

Mario and Co. are standing on the docks as Jr. Troopa swims up with Goombario on top.

Jr. Troopa: GO AWAY YOU *#$% GOOMBUT!

Goombario: What's the magic word?

Jr. Troopa grabs Goombario and throws him into the ocean.

Mario: THANK YOU!!!

He runs forward and hugs Jr. Troopa.

Jr. Troopa: You pervert!!! Get off me!

He shoves Mario off of him, loses his balance, and falls into the ocean. Mario runs off but is stopped by Kolorado.

Kolorado: Leaving someone stranded on a tropical island simply isn't polite, old chap.

Bombette: How'd you make it back?

Kolorado: I honestly don't know.

Innocent Toad walks by and hears Kolorado's statement.

Innocent Toad: Don't question things you can't explain.

Everyone look up reverently. A hole in the ground opens up underneath Innocent Toad, who drops through it. The hole closes.

Mario: Ooooookaaaaaaaay.

Kolorado: Yes, as I was saying. Somehow, I have come into the possesion of four magical seeds that are necessary to-

Goombario runs up.


Kolorado: No, to make a better salad garnish.

Mario: WHY must you follow us around, Goombario?

Goombario: I have a one-year contract with the author.

Watt: I wanna contract, too!

Kolorado: Anyway, I will be willing to give you these four magical seeds if you can get me to Koopa Village. You see, Kent C. Koopa is blocking the path.

Mario: No problem for SUPER MARIO!

He runs up the road, then promptly lands headfirst in front of Kolorado.

Mario: Why didn't you tell me he was so big?

Kolorado: Where'd the fun in that be?

Goombario: Why don't you take him through Toad Town Tunnels?

Bombette: Well, duh!

They take Kolorado through Toad Town Tunnels and get the seeds. They then visit Minh T.'s flower garden.

Minh T.: Oh, what lovely little flowers grow in my lovely little garden! They ever so help to relieve the hurts.

Watt: What hurts?

Minh T.: Oh, that flower over there told me that Flower Fields is being-


Minh T.: No, infested with irritating dancing hamsters.

Horror film music plays.

Mario: That's terrible!!!

Minh T.: Isn't it? The only way to get to Flower Fields is to plant four magical seeds.

Mario hands over the magical seeds.

Minh T.: Yes. After you give them to me, you walk to the airport and buy tickets for a flight to Flower Fields.

Mario: Then why'd I give you the seeds?

Minh T.: I'm going to sell them on the black market! See ya!

She runs off.

Goombario: You know, there are no airports in the Mushroom Kingdom.

A short while later, they are on an airplane to Flower Fields.

Bombette: Woohoo! This is great! Look at the view!

Goombario is hiding under his seat.

Mario: Acrophobic?

Goombario: N-N-N-no!

Watt: Whee! I just lit the black stuff in the tank on fire!

Mario: By "black stuff" you don't mean gasoline, do you?

Watt: Of course I do!!!

Bombette: Well, this isn't good.

The airplane enters a nosedive. They are heading for almost certain doom!

Apple Kid: And now, with all your hearts racing, it's time for intermission!

A guy walks out onto the stage.

Guy: We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty to ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this preamble to the Constitution of the United States of America on July 4, 1776.

The guy smiles and walks offstage.

Apple Kid: And back to the story.

Goombario: WE'RE GONNA DIE!

Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light, and they find themselves in Heaven.

God: You cannot die yet.

Goombario: Really?

God: Unfortunately, no. You must save Princess Peach.

Mario: Why? She only loves Luigi.

God: Because if you don't, I'll smite you with lightning!!!

Mario: Good reason.

God: Good. Now, I shall bring you to Flower Fields.

There is a blinding flash of light, and they find themselves in Flower Fields.


Mario: Kill me now, God, kill me now!

Apple Kid: And now for something completely different.

Mario: What?

Apple Kid: For the remainder of this chapter, it will now be a musical.

Goombario: Musical? What for?

Apple Kid: My own amusement.

Goombario: Ah.

Apple Kid: And now, without furthur ado, Apple Kid Enterprises, Ltd. presents, "Flower Fields: The Musical".

Hamsters: Oh, weeee'reeeee the dancin' hamsters!
 Dancin' hamsters is what we are!
 We love to dance we love to siiiiiiiiiiing!

Goombario: Especially in the car!

Everyone looks at Goombario.

Mario: Oh, you naughty naughty hamsters!
 Why cannot you see?
 With your annoying singing,

Goombario: You make me want to ski!

Everyone looks at Goombario.

Bombette: Oh stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
 Stop that infernal singing now!
 Do it or else I will,

Goombario: Go kiss a nearby cow!

Everyone gangbeats Goombario.

Watt: If you won't stop singing,
 As we beseach you, guys,
 Then tell us how to stop you,

Goombario: Before we lose our flies!

Dozens of tomatoes are thrown at Goombario.

Hamsters: We will tell you how to,
 Stop our singing now!
 Talk to Wise Wisterwood,

Goombario: In order to find out how!

Everyone is in stunned silence at the fact that Goombario said something good.

Wise Wisterwood: I'll tell you, tell you, tell you,
  How to stop those rodents' song!
  Destroy the rodent machine,

Goombario: And always say, "ding dong"!

Various blunt objects hit Goombario.

Mario: We'll wander wander wander,
 To, well, who knows where!
 Until we find the machine,

Goombario: And grow some armpit hair!

Security comes in and drags Goombario off, kicking and screaming. The Halleluiah Chorus playes, then our current musical continues.

Spike: Stop! You go no further!
 I shall stop you now!
 You have no clue what my name is,
 And that's how it ends now!

Watt: Well, this will be too easy,
 Your name is Lakilester,
 And I stink at rhyming,
 Almost as bad as Uncle Fester.

Security takes Watt away.

Mario: There, I have you beaten!
 And you shall help us now!
 Show us the rodent thing,
 Destroy it, show us how!

Lakilester: Okay, the machine is this way,
 But it is guarded, true!
 They should be no problem,
 For they for sure know you!

Guards: Oh no, oh dear, the hero!
 Mario's standing there!
 It's him, complete with red hat,
 And funky mustachio hair!

Bombette: We will now defeat you!
 Simply 'cause you fear!
 Now beat it, begone, and goodbye!
 Remember we were here!

Mario: Oh smashity smashity smash smash!
 Breaking machines is so much fun!
 When this thing is broken,
 Let's find another one!

Wise Wisterwood: Oh wow, oh golly, looky!
  See what's growing here!
  It's a giant beanstalk!
  And it appears I'm out of here!

Wise Wisterwood packs his bags and walks away.

Beanstalk: Oh look, my leaf is rising!
 It's not attached to I.
 How it rises? Who cares!
 I'm trying to solve Pi.

Huff N. Puff: Yes, I have the Spirit.
  The one you came to save.
  But this battle you won't win.
  This Star goes to its grave.

Due to graphic content, this next verse will be edited out.

Mario: Yay, we win, we win, we beat him!
 The Star Spirit is free!
 Oh, Star Spirit, please tell me,
 What gift do I get from thee?

Klevar: Oh plumber, Mario, hero,
 A power I give thee,
 Now go to Shiver Region,
 For Kalmar awaits ye!

Goombario walks onstage again.

Klevar: Oh, evil lamentations!
 What are they doing here?
 I'll escape to Star Haven!

Goombario: To buy yourself a beer!

Various government officials walk up and explain to Goombario why he can't say that in a public story.

Watt: What am I doing back?
 I thought I was gone!
 Oh well, let's blow this popstand.
 There is work to be done!

They leave Flower Fields and return to Toad Town.

Apple Kid: Well, that wasn't so bad, was it? Well, next time on Cardboard Mario, we have a murder mystery! Stay tuned!

Read on!

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