Chapter 7
A random guy in a suit comes out.
Random Guy in Suit: And so, our heroes saved the flowers of Flower Fields from almost certain annoyance. Mario, feeling that he was rather tired, decided to return to his house, only to discover that-
Mario walks by and clobbers him.
Random Guy In Suit: Fine, read the $*&@ fic!
Mario: Thank you.
As he was saying, Mario's house is overrun with Koopas.
Kooper: THERE HE IS!
Koover: Give it up already.
Kooper: Huh?
Koover: We're tired of chassing that dude. We just wanna party!
Mario: Not with MY lampshade!
The Koopas pull out various blunt objects.
Mario: Hehehe. Go ahead.
Mario leaves his house and see's Merlon waiting for him.
Merlon: Mario, come to *hick* my house!
Mario: Uh...
Merlon: I'll turn you *hick* into a *hick* cockroach!
Mario: Fine, fine.
Mario goes to Merlon's house and sees a Ninji waiting inside.
Ninji: I'm Ninji! I'm a Ninji!
Goombario: Duh.
Ninji does some weird ninja stuff and Goombario is laying on the ground rolling in pain.
Mario: Could you teach me that?
Ninji: Come to Starborn Valley.
Bombette: Why should we?
Ninji: Because if you don't, I'll do more random ninja stuff.
Bombette: Point taken.
Ninji: I'll lead you to Shiver City. Starborn Valley is just beyond there.
Random Guy In Suit: And so they went to Shiver City, but were halted by a strange penguin.
The audience glares.
Random Guy In Suit: Uh, I was just going.
Penguin: I won't let you leave for Starborn Valley unless you get the mayor's permission.
Mario: KAY-O!
Lakilester: You play too much Earthbound, Mr. Author.
Apple Kid: BoINg! zOOm!
Mario: oO
Mayor's Wife: OHMARIOHOWI'VELONGEDTOSEEYOUTHEMAYORMYHUSBANDISINTHENEXTROOM
GOONIN!
Watt: Am I the only one who didn't understand anything she said?
Mayor's Wife: WHATWHATDOYOUMEANYOUCAN'TUNDERSTANDMEJUSTPUTSPACESWHERETHEYFIT
INMYTEXTSTUPID!
Mario: Okay...
They go to the next room and notice a body on the ground.
Mario: Mr. Mayor?
Mario touches the body.
Bombette: %*&#! THE MAYOR'S DEAD!!!
Mario, realizing he just touched a dead body, throws up on the mayor just as his wife walks in.
Mayor's Wife: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!
HE'SKILLEDMYHUSBANDMURDERMURDERSOMEONEHELPHE'SAPSYCHOPATHSOMEONESAVE
MEHELPHLEP!
Goombario: You said the last help wrong.
Everyone beats Goombario.
Police Chief: Did you kill the mayor?
Goombario: (whispering) Deny everything.
Police Chief: What?
Goombario: I said, "Penny Eddiking".
Police Chief: Uh, okay. Find the real murdurer, and I'll let you go. If you don't, I'll kill you!
Mario: Gotcha.
Mario wanders around town until he finds a locked door.
Mario: Hmm... a door locked with a padlock that is larger than me... something fishy here...
Bombette: Mario?
Mario: Quiet, I'm thinking.
Bombette: But, um, Mario?
Mario: QUIET!
Bombette: MMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOO!
Mario: WHAT?!
He turns around and Kooper is standing right there with a bazooka.
Kooper: I followed you all the way here, and now I'll kill you, then join the party in your place!
Mario: Why me?
Kooper: Goodbye, Mario.
Kooper pulls the trigger. The recoil launches him backwards, runing the aim. It blows the side of the building next door off, revealing Herringway sitting at his typewriter.
Kooper: Dangit.
Mario throws Kooper into the lake, then looks up again.
Mario: I KNEW there was something suspicious.
Goombario rolls his eyes. Mario then picks Goombario up and throws him at Herringway. He hits Herringway on the head, and they both fall into a snow bank.
Mario: You're under arrest for the murder of Mayor Penguin. You have the right to remain silent. If you give up that right, you may dance, sing, impersonate Elvis, or do whatever you want. Now come with me, you suspected fellon, you!
Herringway: Whatever.
They go to Mayor Penguin's house to find Mayor Penguin sitting in a chair reading.
Mayor Penguin: Oh, hello Mario. Hello, Herringway.
Herringway: BUT I POISONED YOU! Oops.
The police drag Herringway away.
Mayor Penguin: Sure, I'll open the way to Starborn Valley for you.
Mario: But I didn't even ask yet.
Mayor Penguin: I read minds. Here, you'll need this.
He hands Mario a bucket.
Mayor Penguin: You never know when you'll "need to go".
Mario: Umm... okay.
As soon as they step outside town, they hear a scream.
Jr. Troopa: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
MARIO! Now I'll finish you off once
and for all!
Mario shoves Jr. Troopa into a nearby pond, freezing him.
Mario: Well, that was easy.
After a long walk through the barren wasteland, they are suddenly confronted by a ghost made of stars.
Monstar: BWAHAHAHA! I'll defeat you! I'll destroy you! I'll-
Luigi: LUIGI TO THE RESCUE!!!
Luigi runs up and sucks the ghost up using his Poltergeist 1000.
Luigi: Glad to help. Now, back to rescuing Mario-
Mario: I'm right here.
Luigi: Than who's in the painting back at the mansion?
In the portrait back at the mansion...
Wario: Man, this Mario suit is hot.
Back in the Shiver Region...
Luigi: Ah, well. I'll rescue him, and save the world!!!
Luigi runs off.
Merle: Ah! Welcome, welcome! Here's a scarf. Now scram.
Lakilester: You meet the weirdest people.
Goombario: You'd better believe it.
They walk back across the barren wasteland. Just as they're walking past a bunch of snowmen, one of them speaks.
Snowman: You have a BUCKET and a SCARF!
Mario: Yeah...
Snowman: Give me the BUCKET and the SCARF.
Mario: Sure.
Mario gives the bucket and scarf to the snowman.
Snowman: Ohhhhhh... so warm...
The snowman melts, revealing a new path. They follow it until they find a secret shrine.
Mario: Coooooooooooooooooooooooooool.
Merlon's ancestor appears.
Luigi: LUIGI TO THE RESCUE!
Bombette: Not again.
He runs up and sucks up Merlon's ancestor.
Mario: Why're you still here?
Luigi: I killed the Boo king.
Mario: That fast?
Luigi: Why not?
He leaves. Mario shrugs, then runs to the Crystal Palace.
Mario: Ooooooooooh!
Echo: Ooooooooooh!
Mario: Hey, there's an echo!
Echo: Echo!
Goombario: Hmm...
Echo: Hmm...
Bombette: Icki icki icki petang!
Echo: Petang!
Watt: BOOM!
Echo: BOOM!
Lakilester: I'm stupid!
Echo: You're stupid!
Goombario: O.O'
Mario: Hey, there's a switch over here.
He jumps on it and discovers it moves the wall to reveal a different door.
Mario: THIS IS FUN!
Mario has endless fun jumping on the switch over and over. After about the 20,000th time, the wall breaks and begins to fall.
Bombette: RUN!
The wall falls on Goombario.
Goombario: I'm okay, I'm okay.
The section of floor Goombario is on falls out from underneath him.
Goombario: I'm not okay, I'm not okay.
He falls down the hole.
Mario: HE'S GONE! BREAK OUT THE CHAMPAIGNE!
Lakilester: Did you spell that right?
Mario: How can I tell? I said it!
Bombette: Moving on...
The group progresses until they find a wall with a small hole in it.
Mario: How're we supposed to get in there?
Bombette: The mirror over there says to kick a Koopa shell into the hole.
Mario: Where are we going to get one of those?
Kooper runs up.
Kooper: NOW I'LL GET YOU!!!
Before he can pull out a weapon, Mario throws him into the hole. The wall explodes and seven Koopers fall from the sky.
Kooper: HEY! WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?!
Kooper: I should ask you the same thing, idiot!
Kooper: I bet we're confusing the readers.
Kooper: Well, DUH!
Kooper: Oh, can't we all just get allong?
The other Koopers gangbeat that Kooper.
Kooper: So, who's the real Kooper?
All Koopers: I AM!
Kooper: Hmm... let's let Mario pick! Hit all the fake Koopers with your hammer.
Mario: I have a better idea!
Kooper: What?
Mario: Why don't you have a fight to see who the real Kooper is?
All Koopers: YAY!
They dive at each other as Mario and his friends escape.
Bombette: Well, that was relatively fun.
Watt: I havn't gotten to say stuff in a while!!!
Lakilester: You just did.
Watt: Oh. Sorry!
They find themselves in a room with three statues and three dinosaurs.
Dinosaur 1: It's a plumber!
Dinosaur 2: He looks more like an electrician.
Dinosaur 3: Or a dentist!!!
Dinosaur 1: Unless he solves the puzzle, we won't show him the door!
Dinosaur 3: YEAH!
Dinosaur 2: Hey, that was MY line!
Dinosaur 3: Oh, shut up.
Mario glances from the dinosaurs to the statues and back to the dinosaurs.
Mario: I'm confused.
Goombario: Never fear, Goombario's here! I'll solve the puzzle!
Mario: Just leave us alone!
Goombario: NEVER! I'll solve the puzzle, then you'll like me and I'll be the special one! Anyway, talk to the dinosaurs to get them to face the direction you want to push the statues, then push the statues onto the colored squares.
Dinosaur 1: CHEATER!
Dinosaur 2: Let's eat him!
Dinosaur 3: But I'll get heartburn!
Dinosaur 1: SHUT UP!
They charge at Goombario, who runs around in little circles. He eventually finds himself pressed against a wall.
Mario: Hmm... This could be fun.
Bombette: More popcorn, anyone?
Lakilester: I'm out of Bon-Bons.
The dinosaurs plow through Goombario, hitting the wall. The wall shatters, revealing a path.
Mario: Ooooh, pretty.
Watt: I hope we don't get charged for breaking that wall...
Mario: Don't worry, it was just a wall. It's not like the entire building-
The entire building collapses.
Mario: I hope my insurance covers that.
Lakilester: What insurance?
A duck falls from the sky.
Duck: AFLAK!
Mario: Oh, I can't remember what's it's called...
Duck: AFLAK!
Bombette: Oh, who cares. I'm hungry.
Mario: Let's eat that duck over there!
Duck: AAAAAAAAAAFFFFFFFFFFFFFFLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!
Mario and his friends have a cookout, then move on to the end of the peninsula.
Crystal King: Ah, Mario. You finally made it.
Mario: Of course I made it! I'm... SUPER MARIO!
Crystal King: Well, this is the end of the line for you and your pals. I, the almighty Crystal King, am invincible!!!
Mario: Oh, really?
Mario dives at him and takes his crown.
Crystal King: NO! NOT MY CROWN! MY MOMMY GAVE THAT TO ME LAST YEAR!
Goombario: Does anyone care that a bunch of dinosaurs just trampled me?
Bombette: No.
Crystal King: Give me my crown, or else I'll, I'll, I'll...
Mario: Or else what?
Crystal King: I'll, I'll say NI!
Sound Effects Dude: Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!
Mario: NO!
Crystal King: NI! NI NI NI!
Mario: Please... stop...
Crystal King: NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NINI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI!
Mario: No... more... stop...
Crystal King- NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI!
Bombette: You know the author loves cut and paste.
Crystal King: NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI NI!
Mario is rolling on the ground, crying.
Goombario: WAIT!
Crystal King: What?
Goombario: If you said all those NIs without taking a breath, you must have died of suffocation!
Crystal King: Oh, you're right! Thank you, little mushroom dude.
The Crystal King then keels over and dies.
Kalmar: Mario.
Mario: Oh... the... pain... stop... no... more...
Kalmar picks Mario up and shakes him.
Kalmar: MARIO! GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN!
Mario: Oh, hello.
Kalmar: Here's your Star Spirit power. Go to Shooting Star Summit, we'll be waiting for you there.
Kalmar flies all the way to Star Haven without realizing that he forgot to put Mario down.
Mario: Cool! Nice place you've got here!
Kalmar: Oops.
Eldstar: Oh, well. We can't help it now. Mario, here's the last Star Spirit Power. Now go to Bowser's Castle.
Mario: What about my friends?
Eldstar: *sigh* Whatever.
Goombario, Bombette, Watt, and Lakilester appear.
Mario: You could have left Goombario behind.
Eldstar: Where's the fun in that? Anyway, get in this Mystical Flying Vehicle. It will take you to Bowser's Castle.
Goombario: Mystical Flying Vehicale? It's an upside-down shell with wings!!!
Suddenly, Goombario bursts into flames.
Eldstar: Don't taunt all-mighty entities!
Apple Kid: And so, the group climbs into the upside-down shell with wings.
Eldstar: Ahem.
Apple Kid: Er... the "Mystical Flying Vehicle" and goes to Bowser's Keep. What happens there? What ever happened to "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"? Find out in the exciting conclusion to Cardboard Mario!