Cardboard Mario

By Apple Kid

Little Lemmy's Land Qualifier

Just to let you know, I own nothing owned by someone else.


It is a beautiful day in the Mushroom Kingdom. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and there isn't a cloud in the sky. Not that Mario cared. He is to busy watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"!

Mario: D! Choose D!

Luigi is sitting at the table, playing Solitaire.

Luigi: You know, he can't hear you.

Mario: Ooh, choose D, you moron!

Guy on TV: I'll choose A, and that's my final answer.

Regis: Oh, I'm sorry. The correct answer was D. You only get $1,000.


Outside, Parakarry comes to deliver the mail.

Parakarry: MAIL CALL!


Mario throws an encyclopedia at Parakarry. It falls pathetically short.

Parakarry: Gotta go!

He flies away.

Luigi: Mario, will you go get the mail?

Mario glares at Luigi.

Luigi: Fine, I'll get it.

Luigi steps outside to get the mail.

Regis: And don't forget, tomorrow at noon, there will be a very special episode! That's tomorrow, 12:00, on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"!

A few seconds later, Luigi walks back in looking excited.

Luigi: Hey, Mario! I'm invited to Peach's Castle for a party!

Mario: What about me?

Luigi: I don't see anythi- Wait! On the back it says, "Bring your stupid brother, if you must."

Mario: It does not!

Luigi: Does so!

Mario: Then let me see it.

Luigi: No.

Luigi pulls out his lighter and burns the invitation.

Luigi: There, now you'll never know.

Mario: I don't want to go, anyway.

Luigi: But why?

Mario: I have to stay here until after I watch my show tomorrow, that way I don't get roped into doing any adventures that keep me from seeing "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" tomorrow.

Luigi: Nothing like that is going to happen!

Mario: You're sure?

Luigi crosses his fingers behind his back.

Luigi: I promise.

Mario: Let's just get to the stupid party then.

Mario and Luigi step outside the house, but are stopped by an invisible wall.

Luigi: What the-

Apple Kid: Excuse me, but I have a special announcement, and you can't continue your adventure until I say it.

Mario: Did you just say adventure?

Apple Kid: Uh, no. No. Of course I didn't say adventure! Why would I say adventure? Don't be ridiculous!

Mario: Ok, I guess...

Luigi: So, what's the special announcement?

Apple Kid: EAT AT JOES!

A rain of confetti falls around Mario and Luigi.

Mario: Excuse me, but we have a party to get to.

Apple Kid: Oh, right!

They continue towards the castle, but are stopped again outside the gate by the guard.

Mario: Hey! We're here for the party!

Guard: The party is by invitation only.

Luigi: So? We were invited!

Guard: Then where's the invitation?


Guard: If you don't have an invitation, then get lost.

They walk away.

Mario: Great, now what?

Luigi: I have an idea...

A short while later...

Guard: So, you got an invitation, huh?

Luigi: Sure do!

Luigi hands over the fake invitation.

Guard: Ok, go on in.

Luigi goes in. The guard stops Mario.

Mario: HEY!

Guard: Where's your invitation?

Mario: My brother just gave it to you!

The guard rereads the invitation.

Guard: It doesn't say anything about you. Sorry, buddy.

Mario grabs the guard's spear and stabs him.

Mario: Have a good day.

Mario walks into the castle and goes to Peach's bedroom.

Mario: Oh, Peach!

Peach: Mario! Where's Luigi?

Mario: Who cares! You have me, my little Peachie.

Peach: But I REALLY want to talk to Luigi...

Suddenly, the glass window behind them explodes and Bowser climbs in.

Bowser: Hi, everyone! Where's the party?

Peach: Downstairs.

Bowser: That was sarcasm. Right now, my castle is floating in space, your castle is on top of it, and I'm about to beat up your boyfriend.

Peach: Boyfriend?! Him?!

Peach starts rolling on the floor laughing.

Mario: It would be polite if you didn't do that until AFTER I'm gone.

Peach: Hehehe! Sorry! Hehehehe!

Bowser: Anyway, shouldn't we fight, Mario?

Mario: Why, so I can beat you to a pulp and save the day?

Bowser: Not this time.

He pulls out the Star Rod.

Bowser: I stole this from some other video game! I'll use it to become invincible!

Bowser becomes invincible.

Mario: You still look weak.

Bowser: Really?

Bowser strikes Mario with a bolt of lightning.

Mario: O.O

Bowser picks Mario up and throws him out the window.

Bowser: So, Peach, now we're alone...

Peach: By any chance, do you know where Luigi is?

Bowser: No. Why?

Peach: Oh, no reason...

Meanwhile, Mario lands in a clearing.

Mario: I'm fine, I'm ok, I'm ERK!

Mario dies. The Star Spirits appear over his head.

Eldstar: Now we need to revive him so that he can save us.

Mistar: If we have the power to revive him from in our prisons, why can't we save ourselves?

Klevar: Because, our contract says, "Mario must save you, even though you have the power to blast your captors to dust and set yourselves free."

Mistar: Oh.

The Star Spirits revive Mario, then vanish. A little female Goomba walks up.

Goombaria: Hey! An unconscious guy! Just what I needed!

She puts a hammer in his hand, then runs back to the house.


Mario regains consciousness. A bunch of Goombas run toward him, brandishing sharp objects. Mario faints.

When Mario regains consciousness (again), he is lying in a bed. A Star Spirit appears above his head.

Eldstar: I'm Eldstar. You must go to Shooting Star Summit.

Mario: Why?

Eldstar: Because if you don't, I'll vaporize you with my powers!

Mario: Ok.

Eldstar vanishes. Just then, a Toad runs into the room.

Toad: You're awake!

Mario: Where am I?

Toad: Goomba Village. But you have to leave and rescue Peach!

Mario: After my TV show. This thing gets "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?", right?

Toad: No. We only get the all Telletubbies network.


Apple Kid: Will Mario be able to rescue Peach before his show? Find out, after this short intermission.

A pair of Hammer Bros. walk out onstage and begin juggling hammers. A pair of police officers walk in.

Officer Carl: You can't do that here!

Officer Frank: This is a No Hammer zone!

Officer Carl: You two are under arrest.

The Hammer Bros. are dragged off stage kicking and screaming.

Apple Kid: ... Well, back to our show.

Mario runs out of the Toad House, screaming.


He stops and looks around. The house is painted black, and there's a pile of burning books in the middle of the yard.

Mario: What the-

A Goomba runs out of the house.

Goompa: Ey! Air you zee one hoo broke zee vence?

Mario: No.

Goompa: You lie! Zee vence was broken viz zee hammer you air holding!

Mario: I didn't break your stupid fence!

Goompa: Zen hoo did?

Mario: Uh, the Nazis!

Goompa: You lie! Vee air Nazis!

Mario: Oh. Uh, hyle Bowser!

Goompa: Vamily!

The rest of the Goomba family comes out of the house.

Gooma: Iz zees zee vun hoo broke zee vence?

Goompa: Yez!

Goompapa: Git heem!

Mario: Oh @*%&!

He starts running in circles around the yard, being chased by the Goomba family. Kammy Koopa swoops down.

Kammy: His vileness has ordered that I kill you, Mario. Take this.

She creates a large yellow block and drops it. It misses Mario, but crushes the Goomba family.

Kammy: Dang.

Mario: Who are you supposed to be?

Kammy: I'm Kammy Koopa, Emperor Bowser's right-hand Koopa.

Mario: Whatever.

He throws his hammer at Kammy, knocking her off of her broom.

Kammy: #$@$! Give me back my #@!% broom!

Mario rides the broom towards Toad Town.

Mario: At this rate, I'll be done with this adventure in no time!

A muffled sound comes from Mario's pocket.

???: Mmmmph!

Mario: What the-

Two small Goombas pop out of his pocket.

Mario: Ah!

Mario loses his balance and falls off the broom, followed by the two young Goombas.




An innocent Toad is just closing his Toad House when he looks up.

Innocent Toad: Oh shoot.

The three characters fall on him and survive.

Innocent Toad: I need to find a safer job. Ugh.

He dies.

Mario: Who the #@$^ are you?!

Goombario: I'm Goombario, and this is my sister, Goombaria.

Goombaria: Hehehe!

Mario: What, pray tell, were you doing in my pocket?

Goombario: You wern't following the script so I decided to hitch a ride, and my sister wanted to come along too!

Goombaria: Hehehe!

Mario: Script? What script?

Goombario hands Mario a stack of papers larger then the Encyclopedia Britanica.

Mario: This is the script?! This will take weeks to do!

Goombario: That's why I'm here to help!

Mario: No $@3! way!

Goombario: But the script says you need to!

Mario checks the script.

Mario: $@#^! Fine! But what about your sister?

Goombario: She isn't in the script.

Mario: Good.

He crushes Goombaria with the hammer.

Goombaria: Hehehe!

Mario: So let's look around.

They look around. Mario goes into a little alleyway and finds a shop.

Link: Excuse me, but do you have anything for removing annoying fairies?

Rowf: Nope, sorry.

Navi: Hey! Look! Listen!

Link: Well, do you have any sacred swords that lock people in the Chamber of Sages? I broke my last one on a rock.

Rowf: What do you think this is, the 18th century?! Rowf Jr.!

Rowf Jr. pulls out a bazooka and blows Link and Navi up.

Rowf: Thanks, son. NEXT!

Mario: Hi, what do you sell here?

Rowf: Used weaponry. We have everything from A to Z.

Goombario: I thought you sold badges.

Rowf: Badges? We don't have no stinkin' badges!

Mario: Well, what's cheap?

Rowf: Glad you asked.

He reaches under the counter and pulls out a crate.

Rowf: I recently bought a bunch of leftover weapons from some worms who had just finished their war. I have about 20 cases of dynamite, a flamethrower, and a holy hand-grenade.

Mario: Well, how much do they cost?

Rowf: Everything's $5.

Mario: DEAL!

Mario hands Rowf five coins.

Rowf: What's this?

Mario: $5.

Rowf: $5 each, moron.

Mario: Well, how much will that cost?

Rowf: Let's see...

He pulls out a calculator.

Rowf: That'll be $110.

Mario: NO WAY!

Rowf: Oh Rowf Jr.!

Rowf Jr. pulls out his bazooka.

Mario: Fine! Deal!

Mario hands over 110 coins.

Rowf: Pleasure doing business with you.

Mario: Jerk.

They leave the store.

Goombario: Well, let's head for Shooting Star Summit!

Mario: Hey, how did you know I was going to Shooting Star Summit?

Goombario: Script, remember?

Mario: Drat.

They head for Shooting Star Summit.

Apple Kid: Now, isn't this fun? But, it's time for another intermission!

Ludwig walks out onstage with a machine.

Ludwig: For this intermission, I've been asked to show everyone my new invention. This handy-dandy device has the capability to dispense an infinite amount of coins. Allow me to demonstrate.

He pushes a button, and is promptly burried in an avalanche of coins.

Ludwig: MEDIC!

A pair of doctors come onstage and carry Ludwig away on a stretcher.

Apple Kid: Well, I think I'll be taking this.

He drags the machine offstage.

Apple Kid: And now, back to our show.

Mario and Goombario are running up Shooting Star Summit, while being hit by shooting stars.

Mario: Why- ouch- do we- ie- have to climb this- owie- stupid mountain?!

Goombario: It's in- #$@!- the- mommy- script, Mario- oy-

They reach the top, and the stars stop falling.

Mario: How mysterious.

He looks around, and only sees a cell phone on the summit.


Mario picks it up.

Mario: Hello?

Morphius: The Matrix is everywhere. It is in everything.

Mario: Uh, sorry. Wrong number.

He hangs up.


Mario: Hello?

IRS: Hello, Mr. Eldstar. This is your friendly local IRS branch, informing you that you will be audited this year. And we know about your secret Swiss bank acounts. Thank you.

The IRS hangs up.


Guy: Hello, this is a long distance phone company, with vague promises of unverifiable savings. Is this an inconvenient time for you?

Mario: No.

Guy: Oh, then we'll call back later.

He hangs up.


Goombario scans the script.

Goombario: I don't see anything about a cell phone...

Mario: Hello?

Eldstar: What have you been doing!?! I tried to call five times! Don't make me vaporize you!

Mario: Sorry. Oh, and you're being audited this year.

Eldstar: @#%$!

Mario: And they know about your secret Swiss bank acount.

Eldstar: @$%#! Now I have to move all that money to my Russian account! Anyway, I'm at the Koopa Bros. Fortress. You need to come rescue me.

Mario: Why?

Eldstar: I'll vaporize you if you don't!

Mario: But if you can vaporize me while you're in the Koopa Bros. Fortress, why don't you just vaporize the Koopa Bros.?

Eldstar: You know, you ask a lot of questions for a dead man...

Mario: Point taken. I'm on my way.

Mario hangs up.


Mario: Stop RINGING!

He throws the cell phone off the mountain. Meanwhile, at the base of the mountain, the previously-mentioned Innocent Toad is walking around.

Innocent Toad: Boy, I've had a rough day. First time I can remember being landed on by a plumber and a pair of Goombas...

The cell phone hits him in the head, knocking him out.

Goombario: So, to the fortress?

Mario: To the fortress!

However, on the way to the fortress, they're stopped in Toad Town by a group of odd toads.

Odd Toad 1: You can't go any further, Mario.

Odd Toad 2: We won't take our invisible wall down, either!

Odd Toad 3: That way you can't jump over us!

Odd Toad 4: And don't go telling Merlon.

Odd Toads 1, 2, and 3: SHUT @#$& UP!

Mario runs to Merlon's house.

Goombario: Cool roof.

They go in. Merlon is sitting at his table with a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Merlon: Oh, hello! *hick* I'm Merlon, and I'm NOT an *hick* alcoholic.

Mario: That's nice. Could you do something about some weird Toads?

Merlon: If you'll *hick* buy me a drink!

Mario: Fine.

Mario throws five coins on the table.

Merlon: Let's *hick* go.

They walk up to the odd Toads.

Merlon: Have a drink!

He throws the Jack Daniels at the Toads, drenching them in alcohol. They turn out to be the Koopa Bros. (as if you didn't already know that).

Red: Bummer! This is so STUPID!

Blue: It's all your fault, Green! You blabbed about the drunk!

Green: It's not my fault I'm stupid! Blame the programmers!

Yellow: Let's go to the fortress!

They run off, being chased by Mario.

Apple Kid: Will Mario be able to stop the Koopa Bros.? Will he be able to rescue Eldstar? Will Peach find Luigi? Will there be another intermission? Will Apple Kid use the next chapter for shameless advertising? Will Goombario just shut up? Will these pointless questions ever stop? Find out, in the next Chapter of Cardboard Mario!

Read on!

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