Goomba: What time is it anyway?
Koopa Troopa: It's 3 PM.
Goomba: Well, I guess we might as well kill time until it's time to go to bed.
Some time later...
Goomba: Man, that was weird! We saved the world from an evil villain, destroyed a planet, and even went into an alternate universe!
Cheep Cheep: That's not what happened! That's just all there was on the TV!
Koopa Troopa: *yawn* Let's just go to bed.
Lakitu: Hey, want to take bets that someone will disappear in the middle of the night?
Everyone stares at Lakitu.
Lakitu: ... What?
Day 3
Lakitu: I was right! Someone disappeared!
Goomba: TWO people disappeared! Koopa Troopa and Cheep Cheep!
Lakitu: Why two?
Goomba: I don't know.
Outside...
Roy: Yeah, why were two gone?
Lord Seth: Koopa Troopa wasn't even a contestant! He just sneaked in because he wanted to win!
Morton: Wouldn't it be funny if Koopa Troopa actually won? Because he wasn't even a contestant, I mean?
Lord Seth: But wouldn't it be more funny if he didn't win, because people would think he was going to win, because he wasn't really a contestant?
Morton: Oh yeah... I guess that does kind of make sense in its own strange kind of way.
Back in the house...
Spiny: I can't wait to vanish! I hope I'm next!
Everyone stares at Spiny.
Spiny: What?
Goomba: *sigh* What do you want to bet Spiny wins this, just to be comical?
Boo Diddley: I'd bet, but I don't have any money. Ghosts don't get paid much.
Bob-omb: Ghosts don't get paid anything!
A pause.
Bob-omb: Grrr... that makes me so mad...
Lakitu: ... Run.
Everyone runs away.
Bob-omb: What? All I said was that I was getting angry. Why does everyone run? Grrrr... that makes me SO ANGRY!
Bob-omb blows up. Everyone comes back.
Goomba: Phew! I think we're out of the danger zone.
Bob-omb: Now I feel sad! WAAAAAAHHH!
Everyone runs.
Bob-omb: Why am I so unpopular?
Back to where the others are...
Boo Diddley: Uh-oh! I'm getting a baaaaaad feeling.
Lakitu: What do you mean?
Boo Diddley: It's just a feeling I have in my bones.
Lakitu: You don't have any bones!
Boo Diddley: Well, I mean it's a gut feeling.
Lakitu: You don't have guts, either! And I mean that both figuratively and literally!
Boo Diddley: Why you little...
Boo Diddley tries to strangle Lakitu, but ends up going right through him.
Lakitu: OW!
Spiny: How can ghosts hurt people when they go through them anyway? I mean, ghosts aren't solid!
Lakitu: Ectoplasm isn't compatible with organic material.
Spiny: Oh.
Another pause.
Spiny: What's ectoplasm and what's organic?
Goomba: I wish Cheep Cheep were here. It's getting a little boring without him.
Cheep Cheep: Did someone mention me?
Goomba: What? I thought you disappeared!
Cheep Cheep: No, I didn't.
Goomba: Wait, let me think. (under his breath) Let's see... Day 1, Snifit, Day 2, Yoshi... Day 3 is Koopa Troopa, but there were 9 people, so that means two disappear today. So who's the second?
Cheep Cheep: Oh, please don't tell me...
A loud explosion is heard.
Goomba: Let me guess, Bob-omb is gone, right?
Bob-omb: Hi everybody!
Spiny: Exactly how many false alarms are there going to be today?
Lakitu: Too many. Anyway, I'm tired of being at this low altitude-
Cheep Cheep: We're on the third floor!
Lakitu: Still too low! Anyway, I'm going up to the attic.
Boo Diddley: Don't! I've seen every single horror movie ever made, except for all the ones I haven't seen! The attic is the second-worst place to be in a haunted house, after the basement!
Lakitu: Aw, that's just an urban legend factoid.
Lakitu leaves.
Cheep Cheep: I am now taking bets he will disappear!
Goomba: Why? We just know this will be a false alarm.
Later...
Goomba: Okay, maybe it wasn't. We've looked all over and can't find Lakitu. Guess he's today's disappearing... thing.
Spiny: He's not a thing! He's a turtle that floats in a cloud!
Cheep Cheep: How can turtles float in clouds anyway?! They're too heavy!
Spiny: Tengo no idea, pero siempre quiero saber.
Bob-omb: Wow! You speak Spanish?
Spiny: I was speaking Spanish?
Everyone stares at Spiny.
Spiny: What?
Goomba: How many repeating gags will there be today?
Boo Diddley: Too many. And what do you want to bet the question "How many repeating gags are there going to be today?" will end up being a repeating gag?
Cheep Cheep: Actually, the question was "How many repeating gags WILL THERE be today?" not "How many repeating gags ARE THERE GOING to be today?".
Boo Diddley: Look, let's just forget about that and put it all behind us. Oh yeah, and be sure to do it without any "forgetting" or "putting it behind us" jokes.
Goomba: Well, nothing to do but go to bed.
Spiny: BED?! It's still morning, right?
Boo Diddley: Based on this clock that should no longer work but somehow does anyway, it's actually 9 PM.
Cheep Cheep: Time flies when you're having fun!
Goomba: What are you talking about? We didn't have fun at all!
Cheep Cheep: Fine! Time doesn't not fly when we're not having fun.
Goomba: I am NOT going to try to figure that statement out.
Cheep Cheep: You mean you won't not try to not figure it out?
Goomba: ARGH!
Day 4
Goomba: Ah! Nothing like a good night's sleep!
Spiny: What about a good day's sleep? I'd say that's pretty similar. So I don't think it's fair to say there's nothing like a good night's sleep.
Everyone stares at Spiny for the who-knows-what time.
Spiny: What?
Cheep Cheep: It's so obvious he's going to win. Everyone loves the moron.
Spiny: You mean Bob-omb's going to win?
Cheep Cheep: Huh?
Spiny: Well, he IS the moron of the group...
Bob-omb: That makes me ANGRY!
Everyone screams and runs away, including Bob-omb.
Bob-omb: Why does everyone run away from me?
Boo Diddley: Besides the obvious?
Bob-omb: Yes, besides the obvious.
Boo Diddley: No reason, then.
Bob-omb: Why are you all running away for no reason, then?
Goomba: You are so thick...
Spiny: Why, thank you!
Bob-omb: He wasn't talking to you. And that's not a compliment.
Spiny: Oh.
A pause.
Spiny: Thank you!
Bob-omb: *sigh*
Boo Diddley: I'm hungry!
Bob-Omb: You're a ghost! You don't eat!
Boo Diddley: Really? Guess I shouldn't have entered all those pie-eating contests then.
Everyone else, a la animé, faints.
Boo Diddley: Was it something I said?
Spiny: YAHOO! I WON A TRILLION DOLLARS!
Goomba: Huh?
Spiny: What? Did I say something wrong?
Goomba: Uh...
Spiny: WAAAAAH! YOU HURT MY FEELINGS!
Goomba: ...
Bob-omb: How do you say that anyway? I mean, the "..."
Goomba: I don't know.
A strange, hooded figure appears.
Cheep Cheep: Let me guess. We're all supposed to run away from the figure and whoever is the first to be caught loses?
Outside...
Lord Seth: No, the person who's last to be caught loses. You know, being the one to "mysteriously disappear" for today.
Inside...
Cheep Cheep: How are we having this conversation anyway? It makes no sense.
Outside...
Lord Seth: Probably in some way that causes reality itself to shift.
Roy: No wonder Morton turned into Larry!
Lord Seth: Oh yeah, I'll have to fix that sometime.
Inside...
Cheep Cheep: This inside/outside gag is getting old, but why would the LAST person to be caught lose? I mean, wouldn't everyone try to lose this contest, then? What's to prevent us from doing that?
Outside...
Lord Seth: Enh.
Inside...
Cheep Cheep: Good enough an answer for me! RUN!
Everyone starts running. The hooded figure, who's supposed to be Death-like, starts chasing after them.
Cheep Cheep: Uh oh! I'm not underwater, so I can only floparound!
The hooded figure touches Cheep Cheep and Cheep Cheep collapses.
Hooded Figure: Too bad my touch doesn't kill them. It's supposed to, but we had to tone it down. Grrr... stupid censors.
Goomba: If we all run around together, whoever is last is always going to be the one to get caught! So let's split up!
Boo Diddley: You're only saying that because you're in the back.
Goomba: Yeah, but still!
Everyone splits up. Goomba runs up to
the attic. Boo Diddley runs, er, floats, into the basement along with
Spiny. Bob-omb stays on the ground
floor, and Spiny just runs in random directions.
Spiny: Where to go? Think, Spiny, think... uh oh, thinking hurts...
Spiny, unable to think, runs straight into a wall. The hooded figure touches him (and for the first time we see it has skeletal arms) and Spiny collapses. Outside...
Roy: How'd you get Death to come in for this little contest anyway?
Lord Seth: I have friends in high places. VERY high places.
Roy: That didn't exactly answer my question.
Lord Seth: It wasn't supposed to.
Inside...
Boo Diddley: I forgot. Am I in the attic or basement?
Footsteps are heard coming up the stairs.
Boo Diddley: Oh. Attic.
The footsteps continue, nevermind the fact that the hooded figure just floats and doesn't actually walk.
Boo Diddley: Uh oh! Better hide!
Boo Diddley hides behind a curtain. The figure comes in.
Figure: Hmmm... well, I sense no living beings up here. Better go downstairs.
The figure leaves.
Boo Diddley: Phew! Being dead has its advantages!
The figure goes into the basement, where Goomba is hiding.
Goomba: (Please don't find me. Please don't find me. Please don't find me.)
Figure: I found you!
Goomba: Uh oh.
Goomba looks out but it turns out the figure is really just talking about Bob-omb.
Goomba: Phew!
Boo Diddley, for no apparent reason, floats down.
Figure: Aha! I found you!
The figure touches Boo Diddley but its hand goes right through him/her/it.
Figure: Um, could you just pretend to collapse?
Boo Diddley: Sure!
Boo Diddley collapses.
Boo Diddley: Oops, I accidentally did a real collapse...
Goomba: Yay! I was the last person to be caught! Wait, isn't that a bad thing?
Figure: Now I just need to find Goomba... Using my special X-Ray vision I didn't have until now, I see him!
The figure finds Goomba. The camera cuts away for a commercial.
Iggy: Buy Super-Muscles! The only workout program guaranteed to make you have... um... super muscles! Before trying this, I was really weak and was beat up by Roy all the time. After trying this, I am really weak and am beat up by Roy all the time. So be sure to try it out! You won't not dislike the results!
The commercial ends and we return to the show. Goomba has disappeared and everyone else has woken up.
Spiny: I had the weirdest dream! There was a weird hooded figure that looked suspiciously like Death, and he was chasing us all over, and-
Bob-omb: That DID happen!
Spiny: Let me finish! Anyway, after chasing us all over the house, the house disappeared and it turned out we were really in an Intergalactic Zoo!
Bob-omb: Uh...
Spiny: It was true?! I knew it! Quick,
pretend you don't know they're watching you... or else they'll wipe our
memories clean to make sure that we
never object to their rule again!
Boo Diddley: It'll be a loooooooong... um, how many days do we have left?
Cheep Cheep: Um... let's see... this is day 4... subtract 4 from 7... oh, I can't do it! I don't have fingers!
Boo Diddley: Does ANYONE here have fingers?
Spiny: Nope.
Bob-omb: Nope.
Cheep Cheep: Nope.
Boo Diddley: Nope.
A pause.
Boo Diddley: Isn't someone supposed to say "Yes" to somehow make a joke?
Cheep Cheep: Enh.
Slightly over 3.141592654 seconds later...
Cheep Cheep: Look! A pie suddenly and unexpectedly appeared!
Spiny: Yum... pie.
Boo Diddley: You flesh beings get all the fun. I never get to eat!
Cheep Cheep: You can go straight through walls! That more than makes up for it!
Boo Diddley: Actually, I don't go straight through walls. I kind of go through them diagonally.
Bob-omb: Grrr... constant jokes make me SO MAD!
Boo Diddley: You'd better not explode. Because if you do...
Bob-omb: WAAAAAH! No one likes me!
Bob-omb explodes, destroying one whole room in the house.
Bob-omb: Ah. Isn't it so great to be able to relieve tension so easily?
Everyone else is covered in ash.
Cheep Cheep: Some people might disagree with you there.
Bob-omb: SOME MIGHT DISAGREE?! That makes me so angry...
Cheep Cheep: Um... forget I said anything.
Bob-Omb: Huh? You said something?
Cheep Cheep: Thank you!
Boo Diddley: I'm bored. Let's watch the TV. I wanna see Fear Factor.
Spiny: Great way to use up time!
Boo Diddley (after turning on the TV): Whoa! It's a Fear Factor marathon! This lasts until it's time to go to bed!
Cheep Cheep: Typical.
One marathon later...
Spiny: Wow! There are only four of us left!
Cheep Cheep: You JUST noticed that?
Spiny: Yep. I thought it was still all seven of us.
Boo Diddley: Either he's incredibly stupid, or just has no clue what's going on.
Bob-omb: I bet it's both.
Boo Diddley: Let's just get to sleep. Even though I really shouldn't be able to sleep. But I'll still be able to.
Day 5
Boo Diddley, Ghost: With only four of us left, it must be harder to use effective jokes. In order to successfully make some, you'll need more personalities. So I bet some of us will take on characteristics of others.
Outside...
Lord Seth: So how are the ratings for this show?
Morton: 1 out of every 3 people we asked
liked this show. That's 1/3 or
33.33333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333%.
Actually, it's slightly higher than that percent, but you get the idea.
Lord Seth: Um, how many people did you ask?
Morton: Three. You know, as in one times three or one plus two or two plus one or four minus one or-
Lord Seth: I thought we were getting
over your talkativeness, Morton. But anyway, who were these three
people asked anyway?
Roy: Triclyde.
Lord Seth: Everything suddenly makes sense now.
Inside...
Spiny: To pass the time until the next
person is mysteriously abducted, how 'bout we talk about what we're
going to do with our million coins?
Boo Diddley, Ghost: See? What did I tell you? Spiny's suddenly acting really smart. And why am I the only one to be talking to the camera anyway?
Cheep Cheep: I don't know.
Spiny: I know the password! It's zebra spots nacho extreme time!
Everyone stares at Spiny.
Spiny: What?
Bob-omb: Anyway, if I win, I'm going to use the million coins to invent a way to let myself feel extreme emotions without blowing up!
Boo Diddley: Wow! That might actually be a good idea!
Bob-omb: Or maybe I'll just take some anger management classes and squander the remaining money. You never know.
Cheep Cheep: *sigh*
Bob-omb: WHY ARE YOU SIGHING?! That makes me angry...
Boo Diddley: Stop this stupid repeating gag with Bob-omb already!
Bob-omb: Okay.
Everyone stands there for a few hours, saying nothing.
Spiny: ... I don't get it.
Cheep Cheep: What were we talking about?
Boo Diddley: This is boring. I wish something spooky would happen. Except without all the, you know, spooky stuff.
Cheep Cheep: That might be tough.
Bob-omb: Why do I have a feeling that this is going to be a super-short day? Or at least a short day. Or maybe just a day. Any one of the three should work.
Meanwhile, in a completely different story...
Nell: I won the lottery again? What a surprise!
Andy: Nell, you've won every lottery you've ever entered.
Ma: Well, her winning streak has to end sometime, right? No one can be THAT lucky. Right? Right?
Back in our original story...
Boo Diddley: What were we doing?
Spiny: I forgot.
Cheep Cheep: I'm running out of things to do. Let's just watch TV.
Bob-omb turns on the TV. The words "Your cable subscription has been cancelled because of the fact you haven't paid for it for years. Actually, your entire TV subscription has been canceled." appear.
Spiny: What?
Boo Diddley: Well, this house is old. After the previous owners left in whatever way they did, the bill must have gone unpaid.
Spiny: So we're stuck looking at fuzz?
Boo Diddley: We COULD do something else.
Cheep Cheep: Like what?
Boo Diddley: Like... die?
Cheep Cheep: Let's just watch this fuzz. And then fall asleep.
Day 6
Boo Diddley: *yawn* What a short day the previous one was! But who knew fuzz could be so fun to watch? I mean, it seems boring at first, but after an hour you begin to see all the underlying themes.
Bob-omb: Roll call! Raise your hand if you're not here!
No one raises their hand.
Bob-omb: Okay, so maybe that didn't work.
Spiny: This gag lost interest with... you know, that thing people lost interest in a long time ago.
Boo Diddley: The Republican party?
Spiny: Exactly!