Bowser's Apprentice

By Crazy Packers Fan

Episode 10

Bowser: Sorry for the long wait… Without the great sponsorship of Emerald Nuts, we were unable to produce high-quality reality TV for the last four weeks. I know “high-quality reality TV” is an oxymoron, but let’s just skip over that and get to the facts. There are only four candidates left to become my apprentice. After Ludwig died last time, but really didn’t, we have only four contestants left. They are… uh, they are… well, I forget. Fortunately, they’ll be here any moment now, so I remember who they are.

Fiery, Panser, Tubba Blubba, and Sumo walk in.

Bowser: Right! You four are in for a real treat today! You’re going to take part in an all-out invasion of Water Land!

Fiery: Fun, fun!

Bowser: Seriously, though, this is no fun. Wendy has done a terrible job in Water Land, not watching the skies, and Lakitus have decided to invade Sky Land by pouring in Spinies. Now Water Land is totally overrun by Spinies, and you must restore normalcy in the land.

Panser: Normalcy?

Bowser: Oh, come on, it isn’t that hard to understand! Kick out the Spinies in four hours!

Tubba Blubba: Four hours?!

Bowser: You want to become my apprentice, don’t you? Well, it’s not going to be easy anymore.

Sumo: It hasn’t been easy!

Bowser: True, but it’s going to be even less easy than it was before.

Tubba Blubba: This is ridiculously hard!

Bowser: It’s not that hard! They’re only Spinies!

Tubba Blubba: They hurt!

Bowser: Oh, come on, Blubba! I’m sure that fat stomach of yours could use a popping!

Tubba Blubba: No!

Fiery: Enough already! Let’s go!

Panser: What about Roy and Larry?

Fiery: We don’t need them!

Roy: We’re here!

Larry: We’ll be your eyes and ears, King Dad!

Bowser: I hate that phrase.

Sumo: Let’s get going!

Bowser: Timeout. The team leader this episode is Sumo, who is at a disadvantage because he has the pressure on himself yet doesn’t get to choose who he keeps in the meeting room with him, as you three will have to stay anyway.

Fiery: Too bad! Let’s go!

Bowser: Not yet. Because of this, I’m letting Sumo have this opportunity: if he is not fired this episode, he cannot be fired next episode.

Panser: No fair!

Bowser: This is the hardest challenge yet, so the pressure’s on Sumo big time. There’s now even more pressure thanks to my offer.

Tubba Blubba: Enough already. Let’s go to Water Land!

Sumo: Wait! I want to name our team!

Fiery: Do you have to?

Sumo: Yes!

Panser: Hurry up and name the team!

Sumo: I can’t think of a name, though… Uh, uh… Our team…

Bowser: “Our Team” it is! Now go!

Sumo: But-

Bowser: Go!

The four players, Roy, and Larry hop in a warp pipe to Water Land.

Our Team

Fiery: What Spinies?

Panser: There aren’t any Spinies here!

Tubba Blubba: Don’t worry, we’ll find them soon enough.

The four players take a raft around some small islands in Water Land, finding no Spinies. Then they cross over onto the main island, but still are not finding any Spinies.

Sumo: Aren’t we forgetting something?

Fiery: What are you talking about?

Sumo: I have the feeling we forgot… Roy and Larry!

Panser: Oops.

The four players see Roy and Larry desperately swimming away from a hungry Boss Bass, trying to catch the players. They finally reach the shore safely.

Roy: You idiots forgot to let us on!

Larry: It’s not your fault! Roy distracted me by pointing out some coconuts, and you guys took off. It was his fault!

Roy: They should have waited regardless!

Fiery: Who cares? Where are the Spinies?

Larry: Oh, the Spinies… They aren’t here. They’re at Wendy’s Castle.

Tubba Blubba: But Bowser said Water Land was totally overrun by Spinies!

Roy: If you had any brains at all, you would know that Bowser tends to lie from time to time. He wanted to scare you guys. Why would Lakitus want to toss Spinies in a non-populated area like this?


Roy: Ouch!

Larry: Oh no.

Spinies come raining down like crazy.

Tubba Blubba: We- ow! – must- ouch! – escape – yeow! – these stupid- yow! –Spinies!

Fiery: Find shelter!

Panser: You moron! Just use your firepower to kill the Spinies!

Fiery and Panser start fireballing every Spiny they see.

Sumo: How come it seems like the Spinies aren’t decreasing at all?

Evil Voice: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Tubba Blubba: What was that?

Evil Voice: I am Captain Lakitu, with my new Buzzy Spinies! I have found an old invention of Ludwig’s and tweaked it to mix Buzzy Beetles and Spinies! The result- fireproof Spinies!

Panser: Now find shelter!

“Our Team” and the two Koopalings find a small hut.

Voice: Boo!

Tubba Blubba: Run!

The pathetic players and the two Koopalings escape the hut and hop into a warp pipe. Inside the hut…

Stretch: What was that all about?

Boo: I don’t know. We can’t even haunt a hut anymore without someone bothering us.

Meanwhile, “Our Team” finds itself trying to dodge tons of Spinies that are walking around. These too are of the fireproof variety, thus making it difficult on the players.

Sumo: What are we supposed to do again?

Fiery: I don’t know, team leader, what are we supposed to do?

A red-faced Sumo tries to remember what the mission was.

Panser: Yes! Sumo’s getting fired! We don’t even have to do anything for the rest of the day! Let’s just sit around and-


Panser: -get nailed by falling Spinies.

Sumo: Oh yes! We’re supposed to return Water Land to “normalcy”!

Tubba Blubba: What’s “normalcy”?

Fiery: I have a hunch it has something to do with being normal.

Tubba Blubba: Like making Wendy normal?

Fiery: No, like removing all the Spinies.

Panser: What?!

Fiery: Well, what else do you think he means?

Panser: But that’s impossible!

Fiery: Look, have we ever passed a mission as one team before?

Panser thinks for a few moments.

Panser: Not that I can remember.

Fiery: So there you go. We pretend to do stuff, then Bowser fires Sumo because he’s the team leader.

Tubba Blubba: If he heard you say that, you’re fired.

Fiery: Let’s look into that camera over there.

Fiery sees Bowser taking a nap.

Fiery: Good.

Roy: Wrong! He did hear you say that!

Larry: Remember, we are his eyes and HIS EARS!!!

Fiery: I hate that phrase.

Sumo: Why don’t we actually try to win, and then maybe if you help me, you’ll stand a better chance of winning it all?

Tubba Blubba: That’s not that bad of an idea… I’d like to see Fiery or Panser get fired anyway. What’s your plan?

Sumo: Go to Wendy’s Castle, get her to strike a deal with Captain Lakitu to remove his Spinies, and go home happy.

Tubba Blubba: Brilliant!

Sumo: Brilliant!

Tubba Blubba: What else are you working on?

Sumo: See this Fire Brother here?

Tubba Blubba: Yes.

Sumo: Well, I’ve created a way that lets you hurt him!

Sumo picks up a Spiny and tosses it at Fiery.

Tubba Blubba: Brilliant!

Sumo: Brilliant!

Fiery: Brilliant, you say?

Fiery fireballs Sumo and sticks the Spiny in his mouth.

Fiery: Now that’s what I call brilliant!

Panser: All right, you done having fun and games?

Sumo: (taking the Spiny out of his mouth) Not at all! I’ve created a way of killing that Fire Brother over there!

Panser: Enough! Let’s go to Wendy’s Castle and end this thing immediately!

Fiery: How do we get there?

Panser: Oh, there’s probably a warp pipe around here somewhere…

Sumo: There’s one!

Tubba Blubba: “To Castle!” Brilliant!

Sumo: Brilliant!

Panser: Oh, shut up!

“Our Team”, as well as “Bowser’s eyes and ears”, enter the warp pipe.


Fiery: Good job, Sumo.

The six characters came out of a downward pipe in the ceiling, landing in a dungeon cell in Wendy’s Castle. The pipe quickly closes up.

Panser: Now we’re stuck.

Roy: Not really…

Roy figures out a way to loosen the jail door and open it up.

Tubba Blubba: Been here before?

Roy: Oh yeah.

The six characters walk through the castle and eventually find Wendy.

Wendy: What are you two losers doing here? To the dungeon!

Larry: Go!

Roy: Back to the dungeon!

Fiery: What?!

Panser: We’re not scared of her!

Larry: Seeing Wendy in a bad mood is not good, believe me!

Roy and Larry run back to the dungeon, while the others stare at an angry Wendy.

Wendy: Going too?

Sumo: No!

Wendy: Then have a snack!

Wendy throws Candy Rings at all four players, knocking them out.

Two hours later…

Fiery: What happened?

Panser: We got hit with… Oh no!

Wendy: Welcome to my feast! I have invited Big Berthas from all over Water Land to have a great meal, and I’m glad for you four to join me!

Sumo: What are we eating?

Wendy: You aren’t eating anything! They get the meal!

Sumo: Okay, so what are they eating?

Wendy: You!

Tubba Blubba: I’m poisonous!

Fiery: Wait a minute. We only came here to help you.

Panser: Yeah! Don’t you know that your land is being overrun by fireproof Spinies?

Wendy: Don’t you know that I want those Spinies there for my citizens to eat? They love them! In fact, I have roasted 1,000 of them for this meal! Captain Lakitu is doing this to me in order to try to get me to pay him a debt I owe him, but he’s only hurting himself! Eventually, he’ll give up, but until then, these Big Berthas are going to enjoy them! And they’ll enjoy you, too!

Sumo: She’s gone nuts!

Tubba Blubba: Hey, I can’t get up!

Fiery: Obviously not, because we can’t either. We’re in some stupid sort of goo.

Wendy: Into the mixer!

Panser: Mixer?!

Fiery: That’s a big mixer… and we’re on a conveyor belt!

Sumo: What does this have to do with becoming Bowser’s Apprentice?

Panser: Wait a minute… That’s it! Wendy, don’t you realize how many coins you can get off Captain Lakitu?

Wendy: What are you talking about?

Panser: Can you contact him?

Wendy: He calls me all the time bugging me… I can call him, but why?

Panser: Tell him that if he doesn’t pay you a large sum of coins, you’ll have all his precious fireproof Spinies eaten.

Wendy: How many coins?

Tubba Blubba: A lot.

Wendy: 100 coins!

Fiery: Uh, 100 coins isn’t that much anymore.

Wendy: How about 100 million coins!

Fiery: Better.

Wendy calls Captain Lakitu and makes the offer. Captain Lakitu accepts, and Wendy hangs up.

Wendy: All right, you just made me a lot of coins, so you can go. But not the Koopalings! They stay!

Sumo: Fine with us!

Wendy frees the four players, who rush to a warp pipe they see. This one puts them back on the main island of Water Land, where they see Captain Lakitu using a machine to pick up Spinies and drop coins as replacements.

Captain Lakitu: Have a nice day!

Tubba Blubba: You too!

Fiery: Let’s get to Bowser before something messes this up!

The players make it back to Bowser’s meeting room through a warp pipe.

Bowser’s Meeting Room

Bowser is seated in his usual throne, fully awake, with the players in their usual seats.

Bowser: Unbelievable! Not only did you guys succeed, but you got rid of Roy and Larry momentarily!

Tubba Blubba: Fiery should be glad you slept through those things he was saying…

Fiery: Shut up!

Bowser: Oh, don’t worry, I was awake for all of that. I had Iggy sleep in a Bowser suit and had a camera taping him in order to throw you guys off.

Fiery: Great.

Bowser: But I can’t think of much to criticize you on this time. I mean, you failed at first, but you pulled it out. You were successful in your bargaining with Wendy and Captain Lakitu, thinking of a fair number of coins.

Tubba Blubba: Actually, it was Wendy who-

Fiery: Quiet!

Bowser: I can’t complain… All four of you worked well together and hard enough to make me think that one of you can actually be my apprentice.

Panser: Is that a compliment?

Bowser: You bet it is!

Panser: I don’t believe it! I don’t-

Fiery: Enough already. Who’s fired?

Bowser: I have a special announcement to make.

Sumo: No one’s getting fired! You’ll have to wait until next episode to find out!

Bowser: Buzz!

Sumo: My name’s Sumo, not Buzz.

Bowser: No, I’m meaning that you’re wrong. Someone is getting fired, but I’d like to hear your opinions on who should be fired.

Tubba Blubba: It should be Fiery, because he tried to get Sumo fired by not trying.

Fiery: I think Sumo should be fired, because he didn’t even know what the goal was.

Panser: This is rare, but I actually agree with Fiery. Sumo should go, for the same reason.

Sumo: No way should I go! If anyone, it should be… um... well, uh- Fiery, I guess!

Bowser: Convincing argument, Sumo.

Sumo: Thank you.

Bowser: I don’t appreciate your trying to be cute, however. I also don’t like that you forgot what the goal was.

Sumo: Uh oh.

Bowser: Fiery, meanwhile, tried to aid your firing by not trying, and getting the rest of your team not to try. This is known as sabotaging your team, and I hate that as much as I hate Mario, all Mushrooms, and Luigi!

Fiery: *gulp*

Bowser: However, Fiery did help the team succeed in bargaining, so he obviously did try. Therefore, I am not firing Fiery.

Fiery: Phew!

Bowser: Nope, the one I am firing is going to be…

Tubba Blubba: Sumo!

Bowser: False start on Tubba Blubba. Five-minute shut-up penalty on Blubba, and I will repeat what I was about to say.

Panser: Go ahead.

Bowser: The one I am firing is going to be…

Tubba Blubba: Is my five minutes over yet?

Bowser: No, and for that-

Tubba Blubba: No!

Bowser: Sumo, you’re fired. Now as for you, Blubba, get out of here, with your two pals! Get going! Now!

The three other players besides Sumo exit through a warp pipe.

Bowser: Come with me, Sumo, and enter this special warp pipe.

Sumo: Where does this go?

Bowser: To the dungeon cell you will be spending the next year- at least!

Sumo: Why?

Bowser: Because you couldn’t even remember the task I gave you, and if you can’t remember that, maybe you can’t remember that you’re against Mario and for me! Thus, I am sending you to jail for at least a year! Have fun!

Bowser throws Sumo into the warp pipe, and Sumo lands in his dungeon cell.

Bowser: That’s all for this episode. Remember to vote for who you want fired in Lemmy’s Polls! Until next episode, I’m Bowser, saying so long!

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