Bowser's Apprentice

By Crazy Packers Fan

Episode 3

From Castle Koopa's throne room...

Bowser: Welcome back to another episode of Bowser's Apprentice! We are down to ten minions, all trying to become my apprentice, which would pay them a million-coin salary and put them in as high as a position as Ludwig, who has been off doing who knows what these days.

Ludwig can be seeing in the background putting on a purple ghost costume.

Bowser: Last time, Chibobo made stupid mistakes and got fired, despite the imbecility of his teammates. He leaves five minions on each team, the Old-School Obtuse Ones and the New-School Nonsensical Novices. It is time for these 10 minions to arrive, as well as Roy and Larry, who will play an even more important part in this episode than usual.

The ten minions and the two Koopalings come out of a warp pipe.

Bowser: I can't seem to get even half of you to work in the same episode, but this time, I hope for that to change. A very important part of beating Mario is creating difficult levels for him to pass through. You may think that Mario is simply racing through naturally-existing levels when he completes an adventure, but this is not true. It is the job of the boss of the area to set up such a layout that Mario will have a difficult time making it through. Now, in a recent Mario game that will remain nameless, there were levels that were so difficult Mario couldn't make it through, at least not in Crazy Packers Fan's opinion, but those were not the doing of any of us, as none of us are capable of doing something like that. Those were twisted by some virtual-reality computer system thanks to Nintendo, making levels of that extreme difficulty. Anyway, I don't expect to see levels of that difficulty again, but I do expect in this challenge for each of your teams to use objects such as pipes, blocks, and Mario's enemies to create your own level, one that you feel would be very difficult for Mario to pass through. The team that makes the harder level in the 3-hour time limit, in my expert opinion, wins the challenge, and escapes my wrath for at least one episode.

Koopa Troopa: Wait a minute! Mario's coming here?!

Bowser: No, he's not. Instead, in order for me to be able to tell which level is harder, Roy and Larry will test out the levels.

Roy: WHAT?!

Larry: We're not being paid for this!

Bowser: There are some certain alternate levels I could make you two try to make it through instead... they're from this game known as-

Roy: Alright, alright, you win!

Larry: Yeah, we'll do it, but this is still outrageous!

Roy: And what's going on, anyway? With all the references to that game from you, I'd think that you are that Crazy Packers Fan in disguise!

Bowser: Well, I'm not! That idiot's over there!

Roy: Oh no!

Crazy Packers Fan appears to be talking to some different girl, a red-haired girl named Kasumi (from the Dead or Alive series).

Roy: Well, I'm glad to see that Colette joke is over. I knew it wouldn't last long... he must have given up on the Packers' season! Hahaha! Finally, some revenge for me!

Bowser: Cut this out, you losers! I'm trying to do a reality show here, and you two are talking about this other stuff! Anyway, this week's team leaders are Koopa Troopa for the Old-School Obtuse Ones and Whomp for the New-School Nonsensical Novices. Roy will have to go through the Old-School Obtuse Ones' level, while Larry will have to go through the New-School Nonsensical Novices' level. So they don't know any secrets to your levels, they'll be staying here with me. Any questions?

Whomp: Are we going to get minions to use in our level, or are we going to have to be the minions in the level?

Bowser: You are the minions, unless you find Goombas and Troopas or others who want to help you out. If you do, that's fine, but I'm not giving them to you. I want you to actually work, and all of you!

Koopa Troopa: I don't know how this is possible.

Bowser: Well, it is, and that's all you need to know.

Whomp: Where are our levels going to be located?

Bowser: Enter these warp pipes and find out.

Whomp: Uh oh.

The Old-School Obtuse Ones and New-School Nonsensical Novices hop into separate warp pipes for each team.

Old-School Obtuse Ones

Fiery: I knew it!

Panser: It's just like Bowser to choose Ice Land for those of us who are accustomed to heat.

Sumo: We'll freeze before we can build this level!

Koopa Troopa: Hey, don't panic! Everything will be all right! As soon as I find some sort of furnace, that is.

Croco: What's everyone complaining about? This is perfect for us. By using this ice, we can make this level very difficult. Think of the possibilities.... icy platforms leading to Rotary Lifts, and Panser shooting up fireballs as Roy's trying to make his jump across, while Fiery is on the other side of the Rotary Lifts, spitting fireballs... this will be awesome!

The other four just stare at Croco.

Croco: Or we could just do it the stupid way and not work, like last week.

New-School Nonsensical Novices

Tap Tap: Yes! Pipe Land!

Whomp: Let's not get too excited... there's got to be a catch.

King Boo: How about this? This place is basically already a built-in pipe maze! Half our work is done for us already!

Whomp: There's got to be a catch!

Petey Piranha: These Venus Fire Traps are living in their pipes, so as long as we get them mad, they'll work for us free of charge!

Whomp: Where's the catch?!

Fawful: This Muncher field will make it an extreme challenge for Larry. I'll go to work on setting it up so Larry must find a way over these.

Whomp: Okay, so there's no catch. King Boo and I will go to work on setting up the pipe maze. Petey, you get the Piranhas to come out of their pipes at the right moments. Tap Tap and Fawful, you make that Muncher field part of our level, and find some Note Blocks or something to make it more challenging.

Old-School Obtuse Ones

Koopa Troopa: Sitting around isn't going to do anything except keep us cold.

Croco: Thanks for someone agreeing with me!

Sumo: Alright, we'll try to do something. Actually, Croco's idea sounds great, but next to impossible to pull off, especially for those of us who aren't that smart.

Panser: Hey, I'm smart! I'll show you how it's done!

Fiery: That's what you think, SURFer! I'll show you that Desert Land minds are the most brilliant around!

Panser: How come you lost last episode, team leader of last episode?

Fiery: Because Chibobo messed us up and because you refused to help!

Panser: So you needed my help to win!

Fiery: No, but you helped us lose!

Croco: Alright, alright, stop arguing, you two. Let's start making this level.

Koopa Troopa: Right. Let's use these floating ice platforms as a big part of our level, and Croco, go get that Rotary Lift so we can put it between the platforms.

Croco: Sure.

Koopa Troopa: Sumo, you go get that Bullet Bill cannon and bring it over here.

Sumo: Sure thing.

Sumo picks up the Bullet Bill cannon, but notices that there are no Bullet Bills inside it.

Sumo: What's the use of this if there are no Bullet Bills?

Fiery: Simple. Shoot out Ice Blocks. When Roy's trying to do something, you'll be sitting next to this cannon, and push the button to shoot Ice Blocks at him.

Sumo: Good thinking.

Panser: I was just about to give that idea myself.

Fiery: I'm sure you were.

New-School Nonsensical Novices

The team has constructed a pipe maze, with about 30 or so pipes going in different directions.

Whomp: There's only one way through this maze, and any other way will force Larry to be backtracking like crazy to get through.

King Boo: This should eat up a lot of time... but are these timed levels or not?

Whomp: It shouldn't matter. Bowser will see how difficult we made the pipe maze.

Petey Piranha: Hey, I have an idea!

Whomp: *groan* What?

Petey Piranha: I can come out of this giant pipe and spit mud at Larry!

Whomp: Okay, if you think that's going to work.

Tap Tap: We have a perfect setup!

Whomp: Oh no... what is it?

Fawful: Note Blocks hovering over Munchers.

Whomp: So what? They tried it in Mario 3, and it didn't work.

Tap Tap: Those were alternative Munchers. These Munchers are all out of their pipes at the same time.

Fawful: And I'll be hiding behind this pipe shooting at Larry as he jumps by.

Whomp: Wait a minute... this is actually sounding like we're going to win.

King Boo: Not yet. We need more Piranhas.

Whomp: I told Petey to work on that!

Petey Piranha: They're asleep!

Whomp: Wake them up!

Petey Piranha: Why do I always have to do the hard jobs?

Petey Piranha knocks on a pipe.

Petey Piranha: Wake up!

A Venus Fire Trap comes out of the pipe and shoots a fireball right down Petey Piranha's mouth.

Petey Piranha: I'm on fire!

Tap Tap: Bruce Springsteen, right?

Petey Piranha: No, I really am! Help me out here!

Whomp: How?

Petey Piranha: Water, moron!

King Boo: We don't have any!

Petey Piranha: Get some, and now!

As Fawful goes running toward a pipe, hoping to find some water there, he accidentally kicks a Fiery Walking Piranha. Of course, it starts shooting fireballs like crazy, several of which hit Petey Piranha.

Petey Piranha: What are you guys doing? Help!

Old-School Obtuse Ones

Koopa Troopa: Why aren't you working, Fiery? And what are you just sitting there for, Panser?

Fiery and Panser do not answer.

Koopa Troopa: Come on, imbeciles! Why does one of you always have to quit?

Croco: I don't think that's why they aren't talking.

Koopa Troopa runs over to Fiery and Panser, seeing that they have been frozen solid, apparently in the middle of an argument with each other.

Koopa Troopa: It isn't that cold, is it?

Koopa Troopa looks over to see Sumo lying on the ground, frozen solid as well.

Koopa Troopa: This is a half-finished level! How are we going to finish the level without their help?

Croco is now frozen as well.

Koopa Troopa: Okay, how am I going to finish the level without their help? And how is everyone just freezing by the instant?

Koopa Troopa then sees Lemmy with a freeze gun.

Koopa Troopa: Why are you freezing us?

Lemmy: I hear you're planning an insurrection by trying to make an extremely hard level to hurt Roy. Not that I would mind that, but you may start doing it to all of us Koopas, and I'm stopping it right now!

Koopa Troopa: Wait!

Lemmy shoots the freeze gun at Koopa Troopa.

New-School Nonsensical Novices

Petey Piranha: Aaaaahhhhh!

King Boo: I never thought that would put out the fire.

Petey Piranha: Mud is tasty... but it... it...

Tap Tap: It what?

Petey Piranha spits the mud all over the other team members.

Petey Piranha: It makes my stomach upset.

King Boo: Well, clean us off!

Petey Piranha: I don't know how to do that.

Whomp: Good job!

Fawful: I guess we'll have to work like this.

King Boo: I'm not! I'm getting this off!

Petey Piranha: You're a Boo! How come the mud doesn't go right through you?

King Boo: I don't know... but just like Boo could get hit by tennis balls in Mario Tennis 64, this much bigger Boo can get mud stuck to him.

Tap Tap: I think if we just throw rocks at these Fiery Walking Piranhas and the Venus Fire Traps' pipes, they'll get mad and shoot fire. If we do it at the right moment, Larry will get blasted like Petey Piranha did.

Whomp: Good thinking.

Fawful: Where is the finish of this excellent level going to be?

Whomp: I didn't think of that.

King Boo: You're the leader! Do something!

Whomp: Alright, all we need is one of those Mario 3 cards.

Petey Piranha: Oh, that's good news. Those are just layng all over the ground everywhere.

Whomp: Shut up! I'll find one, Mr. Sarcasm!

Old-School Obtuse Ones

Koopa Troopa: You stink!

Lemmy: My aim is off today... but I'll get you yet.

Koopa Troopa: We're not rebelling against Bowser! In fact, we're working for him!

Lemmy: Then why are you trying to make things hard on Roy instead of Mario or Luigi?

Koopa Troopa: That's what Bowser told us to do!

Lemmy: I'm sure. though maybe he's just mad at Roy. Alright, I'll unfreeze your pals, but if I find out you're lieing, you'll all be frozen solid!

Lemmy unfreezes the formerly frozen team members.

Fiery: What was that about?

Koopa Troopa: Lemmy thought we were rebels.

Panser: Let's hurry up and get this finished. I think we're down to one hour to go.

Sumo: One hour?! We'll never finish this by then!

Croco: Just hurry up and work! Put a whole bunch of these Frozen Munchers over there where Roy will have to run, and we'll have Fiery unfreeze them with his fireballs.

Koopa Troopa: Let's also add in some of these spikes, so Roy may slip and step on them.

Fiery: I'll throw in this moving gate to mark the end of the level.

The players start hurrying around adding all sorts of things to the level. By the time they are finished, only five minutes before time is up, the level looks so haphazard and crazy, it isn't funny. Okay, so it is, but not to the players.

Koopa Troopa: This is a joke! Why didn't you guys try to make this thing look good?

Croco: Don't worry, everything will be alright.

The team members watch in horror as one platform's ice starts to crack from all of the objects placed on it (cannons, spikes, Ice Blocks, Frozen Munchers, you name it).

Sumo: So, Dr. Everything-Will-Be-Alright, what do you have to say now?

Croco: We're going to lose.

New-School Nonsensical Novices

Whomp: This mud is so sticky! How can you stand it, Petey?

Petey Piranha: It tastes good, but that's about it.

Fawful: Do you have the card yet?

Whomp: Not yet.

Tap Tap: Wait! I have an idea! Someone dresses up as Boom Boom, and then he fights Larry at the end of the level!

King Boo: That's brilliant!

Tap Tap: So, who's going to be Boom Boom?

Everyone looks at Tap Tap.

Tap Tap: I should have figured.

King Boo: Go get in your Boom Boom suit.

Tap Tap: But I don't have one!

Whomp: Well, why did you bring up that idea, then?

Tap Tap: Maybe Bowser won't care if there's an end to the level!

Petey Piranha: Don't worry, he will.

Tap Tap: Then what will we do?

Fawful: Just draw a line on the ground. That will be the finish line.

King Boo: Great idea!

Petey Piranha grabs a stick and makes a line on the ground with it.

Whomp: Good enough! I think time's up, so let's go to Bowser.

The contestants from both teams jump into warp pipes, finding Bowser, Roy, and Larry eagerly awaiting their arrival.

Fiery: What is with you new-school guys?

Whomp: We got a little muddy thanks to this Piranha here.

Bowser: Now it's time for the fun. First, I will go with Larry to the New-School Nonsensical Novices' level. The rest of you stay here, and I'll come back for your level.

New-School Nonsensical Novices

Larry: Yikes!

Bowser: You've already got Larry to cringe... that's a good sign. Now go!

Larry starts out in the pipe maze. He takes quite a long time trying to get through it, getting confused a couple of times.

Larry: This level is already pretty difficult.

Larry then has to dodge fireballs being spit by Fiery Walking Piranhas and Venus Fire Traps, who are mad because they are being attacked by rocks thrown by Whomp. He has quite a bit of trouble with this, before getting blasted with mud by Petey Piranha. He finally makes it to the field of Munchers.

Larry: I have to jump across the Note Blocks to get to the other side?

King Boo: You said it.

Larry sighs, then starts jumping. Fawful starts shooting his gun at Larry, but fortunately for Larry, Fawful misses, and Larry is able to make it across the Muncher field safely.

Larry: Where's the finish?

Tap Tap: You just passed it.

Larry: What?!

Tap Tap: Hey, we needed a finish line, and that's it.

Bowser: Alright, not bad. You didn't blow it yet, so let's see if your opponents can do just that.

The team, Bowser, and Larry head back in a warp pipe to Castle Koopa, where Bowser joins up with Roy and the Old-School Obtuse Ones to head to their level.

Bowser: Let's see if you guys were able to do better.

Old-School Obtuse Ones

Roy: This is the level?!

Koopa Troopa: Unfortunately, yes.

Roy: Wow... maybe it will be hard because it's so stupid-looking.

Bowser: Go ahead!

Roy jumps onto the first floating ice platform, finding all sorts of spikes, frozen Munchers, and Ice Blocks waiting for him.

Roy: This is pretty slippery.

Roy gets pelted with an Ice Block coming from a Bullet Bill cannon.

Roy: Hey! What was that for?

Roy jumps to the next floating ice platform by using a Rotary Lift, avoiding Panser's fireballs along the way.

Roy: This isn't that hard... as long as I stay on this ice platform, I'm safe from those spikes beneath.

Fiery starts spitting fireballs at Roy's platform, trying to melt the ice around the Frozen Munchers. He is missing badly, however, just fireballing the platform itself instead.

Roy: You can't hit me!

Sumo: He's actually not trying to hit you, but he's still failing miserably.

However, Fiery's fireballs are actually melting the platform Roy is standing on. Roy is just about to reach the end of the platform when the entire platform melts into water, sending him plunging into the field of spikes below.


Bowser: I've seen enough. Let's go.

Croco: I think I know what that means.

Koopa Troopa: Yeah, we lost badly... again.

Bowser and the team members head back to the warp pipe.

Roy: Hey! Someone help me out of here!

Fortunately for Roy, Fiery comes back and helps Roy out of the spikes.

Roy: Your stupid fireballing nearly killed me!

Fiery: I was that close!

Back in Castle Koopa's throne room...

Bowser: Well, I have made up my mind on the winner of this contest. The New-School Nonsensical Novices had some interesting ideas on how to make the level hard. The pipe maze was especially impressive, as was the throw-rocks-at-Piranhas idea. As for the Old-School Obtuse Ones, I don't know what they were trying to do, but I'll tell you this... they won!

Koopa Troopa: What?!

Bowser: Yes, that trap you set for Roy was a touch of brilliance. I was especially impressed by the fact that you made it seem like you were in a hurry and not working together, but then had that trap set up for Roy near the end. You win, Old-School Obtuse Ones! Koopa Troopa, you're immune from having to come to the special meeting the next time you have to go there! And for your reward, Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door!

Fiery: I can't wait to play this game!

Bowser: What game? This is a wooden door made out of a tree that people tell me was a thousand years old when it was cut down. Taped to the front of it is a paper picture of Mario with a target on it, so you can have target practice with it. Now take your door and get out of here!

The angry and disappointed Old-School Obtuse Ones exit out a warp pipe, while the rest head into Bowser's meeting room.

Bowser's Meeting Room

Bowser is seated in his usual throne, with Roy and Larry in even cooler-looking seats, while the pitiful seats for the team members have been reduced to mere one-foot-high stools.

Bowser: What went wrong, Whomp?

Whomp: You just used a sentence with all words that start with W!

Bowser: You're fired!

Whomp: Seriously?

Bowser: Not yet, but a statement like that is one that will get you on the chopping block easily, as you are dodging my question. WHAT WENT WRONG, WHOMP?!

Whomp: Uh, well, uh, you see, uh-


Whomp: We didn't lose! I thought ours was a much better level! They just got lucky to win, from the way it seemed to me!

Bowser: Well, guess what, Whomp? You did lose! So now that you lost, there's a reason you lost. Whether it's your failure or their success, it's still a win for them and a loss for you.

Whomp: Okay, okay!

Bowser: Now I'll take that as your pathetic answer to my question. As for you, Fawful, what was with the line-drawing?

Fawful: We had no card for the end of the level, and no Boom Boom suit for one of us to dress up as Boom Boom and fight at the end. So we had to think fast, and that's what we came up with.

Bowser: A pretty pathetic thing to come up with, if you ask me.

Fawful: Well, maybe.

Bowser: Yes! And how come you missed on your shots?

Fawful: I'm not perfect!

Bowser: There are times to step up and come through in the clutch.

Fawful: I guess so.

Bowser: And what was with the mud?

Petey Piranha: I swallowed a fireball, so I needed mud to wash out the burning in my throat.

Bowser: Fireballs aren't exactly that tasty, from what I last heard.

Petey Piranha: It wasn't my fault! A Venus Fire Trap shot it down my throat!

Bowser: Then why was the mud on your teammates?

Petey Piranha: I sort of... spit it up.

Bowser: Disgusting. Well, overall, this was the best losing performance I've seen yet, but someone must be fired. Petey Piranha, it can't be you, thanks to your immunity from last week. Who would you fire if you were me?

Petey Piranha: Whomp, for not making the level hard enough.

Bowser: How about you, Whomp?

Whomp: Fawful, for that ridiculous line-drawing idea.

Bowser: Fawful?

Fawful: It would be Petey, if not for his immunity, because of the fire incident. I'll fire Whomp instead, because he should have done more work than he did.

Bowser: Tap Tap?

Tap Tap: I'll go with Fawful, for missing his shots in the clutch.

Bowser: King Boo?

King Boo: I guess I'll go with Fawful, because he needed to come up big by blasting Larry.

Bowser: Alright, Whomp, you get to choose two players to stay here with you. Do not choose Petey, as he may not be chosen due to his immunity.

Whomp: I choose Fawful and Tap Tap.

Bowser: Okay. Petey and King Boo, you two go in the warp pipe. Fawful and King Boo, you stay right here with Whomp, where one of you three will be fired.

Petey Piranha and King Boo jump into the warp pipe.

Bowser: So, Whomp, why these two?

Whomp: Fawful hurt us in multiple ways: by having that ridiculous line idea and missing his shots.

Bowser: Why did you go along with his ridiculous line idea, team leader?

Whomp: We had nothing better that we could do! We had better ideas, but not enough materials! We had to do something!

Bowser: You basically just defended Fawful for him. Fawful, you may want to thank Whomp for potentially saving your skin.

Fawful: Thank-

Bowser: But not yet, as you're not off the hook yourself. How can you miss those shots, when you're excellent with that gun, and when you weren't even that far away?

Fawful: I just made innocent mistakes. Everyone misses occasionally at what he or she does best.

Bowser: But the best don't miss in the big moments. Do you watch sports, Fawful?

Fawful: No.

Bowser: You're stepping into hot water now, because I run several sports franchises, and I may need some help from my apprentice with those teams. I was going to tell you about players who step up in the big moments, but you wouldn't know. Tap Tap, why do you think you're here?

Tap Tap: Because Whomp thinks that King Boo is better than me. I don't know what I did wrong.

Bowser: What did he do wrong, Whomp?

Whomp: He refused to find a Boom Boom suit!

Bowser: Did you find it, team leader?

Whomp: Well, I-

Bowser: Did you look for it, team leader?

Whomp: I-

Bowser: Would you have worn it had it been found, team leader?

Whomp: But you see-

Bowser: Look, Whomp, don't criticize others if you did the same thing yourself. My apprentice must be one who is willing to take responsibility upon himself. After all, I don't do that, so I need someone to do so.

Whomp: I see your point.

Bowser: But ultimately this comes down to whoever made the worst mistakes. Fawful, you were lazy, and you failed when your team needed your help the most.

Fawful: I at least thought of the line idea!

Bowser: They at least thought of better ideas! And you didn't even draw the line! So that's a pitiful excuse.

Fawful: None of the others even had a gun to shoot with!

Bowser: It was your job to shoot the gun. They had their own jobs, and you had yours. You failed at yours. I don't want my apprentice failing at his job. Because you were lazy and did not come through in the clutch, I have news for you, Fawful.

Fawful: Uh oh.

Bowser: You're fired.

Fawful sits in silence as the other two exit out the warp pipe.

Bowser: Now it's time for Roy to lead you to your dungeon cell.

Fawful: Dungeon? For what?

Bowser: I don't need a guy who can't shoot a gun accurately out on the streets, where my army can get shot down due to his poor aim. You're that guy, and that is why you're going to jail for a year.

Fawful: A whole year?

Bowser: Don't worry, I can always make the sentence longer. Take him away, Roy!

Roy leads Fawful to his dungeon cell.

Bowser: Did he always have poor aim?

Larry: I thought it was a lot better than that... when I heard the blast, I thought I was toast, or maybe a meal for the Munchers. He missed, fortunately for me, unfortunately for him.

Bowser: That's all for this episode. Until next time, this is Bowser saying goodbye for Roy and Larry. Remember, Enormous Nep-enuts love Emerald Nuts! So long until next episode!

Read on!

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